LL1979

Hi all, I've found myself in a strange situation with my ex gf and I'm not sure what to do. I'd really love some advice/comments if anyone can relate... I'll bring you up to speed. We went out for a year (v.loving, healthy relationship) but she ended up cheating on me after I got a bit slack on the romance thing (sound familiar?!). I tried to reconcile things but we broke up soon after - I felt partially to blame and was pretty cut up. With the help of this forum I decided that no contact was the best thing to do. Aaaaaanyway there was no contact until she phoned a few months later, to try to get me back, but soon as i showed interest in meeting up she backed away again. I've bumped into her once or twice, just kept it friendly, there's been some texts sent back and forth etc. But I found out that she was dating that same guy, even though she never admitted it to me personally. "Screw this!" I thought to myself, I'm not gonna be her safety net, so I stopped contact once again. Then, a coupe months later, I got a missed call from her. I thought about it and decided not to return her call. A couple weeks later came the curveball - she hand delivered a small gift and note to my door, my brother saw her but she left without word, leaving it on the doorstep. It was a simple hello and a small gift (similar to one she bought me while we were dating). I won't go into detail, but its clear she has reached out to me in some way, Problem is I have no idea what the deal is with this other guy, and I'm not sure exactly what she wants from me. I've seen a couple of girls since, but if I'm honest I still miss her and in an ideal world I would like to try again. I loved her and I'm pretty sure she loved me too before all the sh!t happened. But I'm worried that if I respond, she'll back away again. I don't like the idea of being 2nd best to anyone, but if she was sincere I would be open to something developing again, in the right circumstances. So, how can I be sure of her intentions, and what is the best thing for me to do?

Yeah. Sometimes seems like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't!!

hey all. I've posted my story on here many times before, to be honest I'm not doing so well at the moment and I wouldn't mind reminding of the right things to do from here. If you'd like to read about a long complicated mess, you've come to the right place! thanks again for all the messages, this website has been a pillar of support. Before I met Caroline my longest relationship was only a few months. I was 26 when we met last year, she was 18. We went out for 9 months, her younger age kinda offset my inexperience and it worked great at first. Then I suppose it got to the point where I was in uncharted territory, relationship-wise. Naturally I fell back on previous experiences to guide me. I'd come on too strong too early in previous relationships, so I thought it was wise to keep calm and collected to make sure this girl stayed interested in me. And I felt so sure I had her completely - I knew by the way she looked at me that she loved me. So I didn't wanna scare her off. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. After 7-8 months of a problem-free, loving relationship a friend of mine "prompted" me, after talking with Caroline. "hey man, have you told her you love her yet?" ...and I replied "no not yet" "well do you love her?" "yeah I really do" "well hurry up and tell her.. (wink wink nudge nudge)." So I knew something was up with Caroline. I had a few opportunities around this time to say the magic words, laying in bed etc...but each time I got nervous and tongue tied. I found out later that she had the same problem. I'd never told a girl those words before, see. I didn't know what her reaction might be. Fear of rejection I suppose. Fear of not hearing those words echoed. So I hesitated. Around this time I sensed distance in our relationship for the first time. She'd cancel on me, make half- * * * excuses, etc. Her behaviour was getting erratic. After a week or so of turbulence, Caroline phones me up and suggests we "take a break" I got confused. She seemed set on me from day one till now, and all of a sudden she wants the dreaded "space" So I thought the only thing I could do was give her exactly what she asked for - we agreed on a week of space. Around this time I was in increasing contact with her Aunt (her main guardian), who practically wanted me to propose to her niece all along. I found out that Caroline was crying for two days since we broke, saying "why hasn't he called? he doesn't love me!". I couldn't take any more so I called and we met up, and talked about things. She said she wasn't getting what she wanted, and I said I thought I was making her happy. As we were parting I told her I loved her. But she didn't say it back. I called into her next evening and took her out to dinner. She finally told me she loved me. I stayed over and things seemed better in the morning. I sent a huge bunch of flowers to her a couple days later. Things were looking up. But when she called me to thank me for the flowers, she said she'd kissed a friend of hers the night before they arrived. She called to my house and we talked. She was in tears when she asked "is this it then?" I replied "is that what you want?" "no" "me neither, I can forgive a mistake" So we patched it up. But the turbulence continued. It only lasted a week or two more, when she cancelled on me again and said "maybe we should just break up" I got angry and slammed down the phone. I left it for a couple of days and felt bad, so I went to meet up with her one more time. I opened my heart, said I loved her and didn't know what had gone wrong. I blamed myself for her kissing the other guy, felt I should've given her more attention etc. Hoped to start fresh. This is where my inexperience in relationships really showed up! I was trying to be Mr.Cool while she was craving attention! If only I'd known then what I know now. So I left her that day, on good terms. Her aunt contacted me soon after to see how I was, and said she'd be in touch. That was it for about 2 months. After a couple of months, her aunt contacts me again. The whole conversation seemed to be "checking up on the ex boyfriend", but she was friendly and I was friendly. A week later, Caroline herself contacts me, first a friendly text then a phone call in the wee hours. She was crying on the phone telling me she "made a huge mistake" and that she wanted me back. Naturally I was happy but I didn't want to rush a decision about anything. I said I'd call during the week to meet up for coffee. I called, and we arranged the coffee. But later that evening she sent me a text saying "sorry can't make it, got a family event, catch you again. thanks for calling" No word of any future plans. So I didn't reply, being annoyed as I was. About a month after that, her aunt contacts me again. She tells me that Caroline was talking to her about me, saying how great our time was together, etc, how she'd blown it. Her aunt told me that she stopped Caroline from going to coffe with me because she didn't think she was "ready". But it brought out all my pent up emotions to hear that, so I said to the aunt that it would probably be best if we ceased contact, seeing as I was merely her niece's ex boyfriend at this point. The truth was that I missed her greatly. I didn't think contact with her aunt would do me any real favours so that was my logic for cutting off the aunt. I thought maybe Caroline would contact me herself then... Its been a month or so since that happened, and I have become really upset about the whole thing again. I suppose since the breakup I've been trying to give myself every chance of getting back together, even in cutting contact with her aunt, who was only ever good to me. Still not sure that was a good decision. I know her kissing the other guy was just a moment of drunken madness, but the timing of the whole event was just terrible. Like many guys before me, I've realised what I had only after I lost it. I've gone NC the whole way with this, and believe me it hurts. But since she was the one who broke NC first, maybe it would be ok to send a passing hello. I really miss the girl these days. I've seen a couple of other girls since but it makes me miss her more. If there's still interest, I'd like to keep the embers burning. NC has worked but its getting to the point where it feels too late, so if you've read this far, what do you think is the right thing to do? A quick hello to test the water? LL

hi, I've posted before - broke up with gf [18] of nearly a year for no good reason, lack of communication i suppose, and she ended up drunk kissing another guy. I forgave her but she broke it off soon after. Instead of begging and pleading I just decided to do NC because I felt I'd done nothing wrong and nothing else was going to work anyway.. Went NC for 2 or 3 months, then her aunt and herself began contacting me. The ex called in tears one night pleading reconciliation. I agreed to meet up but she cancelled. No word since. Last week her aunt called to ask how I was (she called a couple of times since the break), and she said the ex was talking about me recently. But she wouldn't tell me any more, only that it was good things. But it turns out the aunt had told her not to meet me that time because she 'wasn't ready'. I got a bit frustrated and annoyed, and I ended up saying there was no point in me and the aunt keeping in touch, like I was waiting in the wings or something.. it didn't feel right. She really liked the idea of us two together, but then I can't figure out why she would stop her from meeting me. I feel I've done the right thing cutting 'the family' out, but its very strange can anyone offer an outside opinion?

I remember replying to the comment 'oh he's not interested' - I said 'so you just want me back cos the other guy left' and she said 'oh no thats not it at all' that's when I said I'd be willing to meet up...

I wouldn't want to be second place, who would? Thing is she's 18 and I'm 27 and neither would have much experience in relationships, her moreso. Sure she's confused, but when the time comes around that she calls me again, I'd wanna find out where her head is at. I gotta ask the right questions, right?

I dunno of it ever took off with the other guy, she was pretty vague. But yeah it wasn't the best reply to hear.

Hi, I'll keep it short. Was with the ex nearly a year, fell in love. she kisses another guy, I forgive her, she dumps me. She goes off with the other guy. After that I don't contact her at all even though I miss her like crazy. 2 months later, her aunt (guardian) contacts me, says the ex misses me. I say 'there's nothing I can do even though I miss her too'. A Month later, the ex calls me (at 5am!) in tears. She immediately brings up the relationship, says she misses me so much, that she made a huge mistake. We talk for a half hour. Just like old times. I probably let a hint of interest slip through in conversation. I ask her bout the other guy. 'oh he's not interested' is her reply. But I tell her I'm willing to go for a coffee next week to talk. She thanks me and we hang up. So I sit on it for a week, weighing up the pros and cons. I figured I'd decide over coffee if she's just being selfish or if she geniunely misses me. Then I call and we arrange everything. She says she'll text later. She texts later alright - saying "can't make the coffee, another time for sure. thanks for calling" No word of when "another time" would be. I didn't reply to the text (kinda shocked me) cos she went from can't-live-without-me to can't-be-bothered in a few short hours!! So its been a few weeks since that episode, and its been all quiet & NC. I have a feeling she'll call again, and I can't deny I miss her. I'd be willing to work it out if she was genuine. If she calls again (which she probably will), can anyone advise me on what to say/ask?? Can anyone shed any light on her mindset?

Background: Ex gf broke it off, found another guy, so I did NC since then. Fast forward 3 mths: She breaks NC, then soon after phones me up in the middle of the night, drunk and crying. She tells me she made a huge mistake, can't live without me, etc. We talk, I say I'll call next week to arrange a coffee. She thanked me and we hung up. At this point I was prepared to hear her out, I hadn't decided if I would take her back. So a week later I phone, and we make the plans. She asks if she can call later, I say I'm busy. So she says she'll text. The text she sent later that evening basically says "actually can't make that coffee, another time for sure. thanks for the call" The coffee date she so badly wanted. I didn't reply. She went from tearful & apologetic to aloof & vague just like that. Women huh? Anything I should say at this point? Or would it be better just to ignore that s**t? And if she calls again, what would I say??

Well I've told my story before. In love, gf broke up w me after 9 months cos she kissed another guy. I ended up forgiving her only for her to dump me for the other guy. Then I applied NC for the following 3 months. Well the other night at 4am she phoned me - in floods of tears. She said she made a huge mistake and wants me back. I can't deny that I miss her a lot and I would love to give it another try - but how do I go about this? I don't want her to think I'm ready & waiting when SHE decides she misses me. I don't want to be played for a fool. I told her I'd call in a few days and we'd arrange to go for a coffee or something. I just need these few days to get things straight in my head (and to consult the forum of course). I want to be sure of what I'm doing. She was really cut up on the phone. She's a bit younger and less experienced. I've read posts like this a million times on these forums. I would appreciate some advice if anyone can help. The thought of being with her again is hard to resist. After we split I said to myself that the only way I'd go back was if SHE called ME and admitted her mistake. Well thats happened. But I want to put myself in a strong position. I would like to be sure on how fast or slow to take this. I don't want her to take it for granted if we get back together. PS No Contact is golden.

I decided not to ignore her - thought that would seem petty. So I wrote a brief text saying hi, I'm fine, hope your well, etc. Light. I got one back a while later from her, telling me how her day was, glad I was doing well, etc. Nothing unusual (apart from the fact she was contacting me at all). That's it. So, I guess its back to NC for me, until she strikes again...

Its a type of situation thats reported a lot on these forums. But she ran off with someone else, why should I even listen to her? I'd like to give her another chance if she truly wanted it, but I don't want her to think I'm a pushover. What to do...

well its been 3 months since the ex left me in her dust (we were in love) to canoodle with another, and i've applied nc throughout. her aunt contacted me a month ago, and now the ex herself just emailed a couple of days ago. the tone of the email is pretty much "hi, how are you? been meaning to email. you dont have to reply, i hope youre well, etc etc" its pretty neutral, so what do i do? And what's SHE doing?

My ex cheated on me - and I forgave her. It was right around that stage in our relationship when I was in love with her but hadn't said it - yet. One day during a 'rough patch', she rang me to say she wanted to take a break. I gave her a couple of days and then we met up to talk. She said she wasn't getting what she wanted from the relationship and I said I wanted to give her all I could. I told her I loved her and we patched things up. For a week or two, everything seemed back on track. ...until she told me on the phone how she had kissed someone else. A close friend of hers who she had known longer than me. She called over to my place and we talked. I was stuck between being angry she had done it, and wanting to reconcile. I told her a kiss was forgivable, if it was a mistake, and that I wanted to work it out. I forgave her. But after that she told me she 'didn't deserve me'. A week later she dumped me over the phone. I felt partially to blame as I wanted her to know I loved her and perhaps left it to late to show her. We met up a few times after, and she told me she had feelings for the other guy. I said she was throwing something great away for no good reason. After that, I walked away and that was that. My point is, if you forgive someone for cheating, it can backfire. It can be read as "yes you cheated on me but I don't mind being fooled around". They can lose respect for you. I should have dumped her on the spot when she told me she cheated. It would have hurt of course, but at least she might have regretted it and tried to reach out to me, I don't know. I was fooled around, I forgave her, and SHE dumped ME. I feel like a prize idiot, and a chump. This was a valuable lesson for me, and a painful one.

hi. i've been using this forum since my girl left me a few months back. Just one of those things - she didn't think I loved her as much as I really did, she kissed someone, etc... whole thing seemed to come outta nowhere. But the forum's been a big help, and I now see how I have made past break-ups worse by my actions, so I've been trying very hard to follow the advice on this forum in order to move on with minimal hurt to either of us. I've been in no contact with her since about a week after we split. It was a break up drawn over the course of a week or two, so the last time I saw her was to finish it without too much regret, tell her I love her and say goodbye sorta thing. End it on good terms. So I told her one last time, even though it felt too late in coming. After that, I've been maintaining radio silence. Then a couple months later her aunt sends me a message (she said she'd keep in touch), basically saying how her niece missed me and was 'foolish'. Almost asking me "maybe you would call her?" I basically said that I missed her too (just being honest), but it wasn't my place to pressure her any more. I will probably hear from the aunt again at some point. She had high hopes for us both. But to be honest, that family contact has sent me reeling. To hear she misses me was nice to hear at first, but its just ended up confusing me. Now a part of me wants to call her, like there's a window of opportunity there for something.. something other than nothing. But the louder voice just says NO CONTACT. I think if she wanted to reconcile, she'd let me know. But is this always true? Is it possible she could regret her decision but still feel its too late? Is there any appropriate contact that would help from my side? Is there really nothing more I can do to improve my odds? I'd like her to contact me obviously, but if she doesn't, how long before its too long to say hi? 6 months? A year?

Well daughters sometimes go for the guy their folks HATE so I'm not sure her aunt's approval is necessarily a good thing... but I did confess to her aunt that I missed her. But I also said I was gonna "respect her decision to break up" ie I'm not gonna push her anymore - THAT did not work. Even though I'd like to call, I feel I have to maintain some dignity here... but her aunt could be sending signals that if I tried calling, there might be a reconciliation. If my ex REALLY wanted to try again, she'd get in touch herself, right?

I've been keeping NC with my ex for a few months since we split. She was 18, I was 26. Loved her to bits. She suggested the break up, and after a week or two of "But I love you" and "Lets work it out", I said goodbye. She said there was another guy. So I figured I'd try to move on. Fighting for her wasn't working so it was the only option. Haven't heard a peep from her since. I was close with her aunt (who's basically her mom) during the whole relationship and during the breakup. Her aunt texted me after the breakup and said to keep in touch, that she believed it wasn't hopeless. I took some small comfort from that, but I didn't contact caroline again. But her aunt texted me again recently, after nearly 3 months of zero contact. She asked how I was, that she isn't giving up on us yet(!?), and that caroline misses me. I said I missed caroline too, but that it was her decision to end it and there was nothing I could do. So her aunt basically asked me to keep in touch and said c. was a "silly girl" and she would "mind her" for me. I thought caroline had enough of me, but now I'm being told she "misses" me by her nearest & dearest. We had a great thing going before it got complicated and I did want to work it out, to be with her. But I just want what's best for her now, what am I supposed to do? Just cos the aunt likes me doesn't mean caroline wants me back. I'm not even sure if caroline knows I was speaking to her aunt. I was doing fine with NC until this happened. Confused.... help?

hey man. i feel for your problem with this girl. My girl dumped me a few months ago. Haven't heard a word. But you want to get back with her? Well that's only one half of it cos she has to want you too. If she knew how you were obsessing over her, she wouldn't find that very attractive i don't think. I think you should let the situation breathe and leave the next step up to her. Don't start forcing the issue. No contact isn't easy but that can't faze you. You've got to show this girl your best side, whether she calls or not. Be a man, suck it up. That's what women dig - strength. Keep seeing other women. In the meantime you can get busy with your own life, you don't need a girlfriend just to be happy! I'm not saying it won't happen again with her, but my point is that you can't just sit waiting for her call. Don't put your life on hold for her. If you can't respect yourself, she won't.

Boricua - we did talk a lot one on one, they are very similar people and very close. In fact, we talked a lot during the break up. Its possible she did just contact me independently. But even so, why now?

Hi, I've posted before on my situation - basically got dumped by my 18 yo girlfriend (i'm 26) after a great relationship fell apart. I got too comfortable and she was young. She ended up kissing someone else and making a drama out of a crisis. And so I forgave her, but she ended it soon after. Anyway, she was raised by her aunt, who contacted me the other day after more than 2 months NC. She asked how i was and said caroline (the ex) misses me. I just said "it was gonna get serious or end and it ended, but we had great times". Said caroline was "only 18 after all", that I was "doing good". Then later I wrote back to say I missed her too. Whats up with the family contact??

Its been over two months since i got my * * * dumped. She was 18 and was crazy about me (I was 26). Then it got complicated after about 8 months, as it tends to do. We took a break, and she ended up kissing a guy it turns out she liked since before I met her. I forgave her, (thinking it a stupid drunken mistake at the time), but 2 weeks later she called it off completely. On hindsight I can see how I might have gotten complacent and that she might've seen that as lack of interest. I'm an easy-going kind of guy anyway. But is it all down to that? We had been on vacations together, I went to her prom, and there were plans for more trips away. But there was a lull in activity for a month or so leading up. Do women really switch off love forever when they're not getting enough attention for a while? Before I knew what was happening, the relationship was in freefall. Is this all down to my casualness? I really loved her, and I showed her that quite often, but other times I made a blunder or two. But is that all it takes to change a woman's heart? I mean by the time we got to talking about it, it was too late! She never said anything at the time! All I knew was that I was delighted to have met her and it felt good being with her. And I wanted it to keep going. I was more "myself" in this relationship than any other, and I felt that our relationship was healthy before all the bad feelings happened, and I was in shock when we broke up. I'm still learning about relationships, and I hoped my mistakes (and hers) wouldn't stop this good thing getting better. But I was wrong! I've kept no contact since the break up, even though I would LOVE to see how she's doing etc. I wonder what she is thinking, why she suddenly decided I wasn't what she wanted. I kinda fell flat on my face with this one, so any advice welcome. I'm all for moving on, but I want to learn the right lessons from this!

I agree with your views RC. I suppose I'm not really expecting a reconciliation any time soon. If she DID contact me wanting something again, I'd have my doubts because I think we'd run into the same problems since she's still young. My lingering question though: is there any kind of contact with her that would be appropriate, in the long term? I'm friends with a couple of exs which works fine (not close friends, but there is some contact -yknow, keeping the lines of communication open). I think for now, yeah, time and space... but for ever?

thanks for the input everyone, I see that many people are in a similar situation having read some posts on this site, which makes it a bit easier. I'd like to add that the guy she decided she liked won't even be around for long until he travels away again. Its amazing how women can replace one man with another so quickly! I'm moving on now, I've been there before so I have that to help me. But I'm just wondering if/when it would be ok to send an innocent little "hi" her way - if she doesn't contact me first.

I went out with caroline for 9 months. She was 18 and I was 26. She told me how great I was, and I told her how I loved being with her. We went abroad together and made all kinds of idle plans. She hadn't had much experience in relationships but then neither had I and we seemed a perfect match. I haven't felt this natural love before, and it felt like it 'should' feel. It felt easy. Then a couple of friends told me that she has been complaining to them, so I was getting a bit concerned that she didn't know how much I loved her, and wanted to fix this 'small' problem. Then days later she calls to tell me she wants a break. I thought I'd give her space, but it felt like caroline was testing me, so I arranged for us to meet up for a chat. I finally told her I loved her and that I wanted to work through the difficulties, that I thought it was too special. So we patched it up and things improved, and we both admitted our love. I treated her like a princess, but then she phoned to tell me she'd kissed a someone. But I thought it was just a stupid drunken mishap - not the end of the world - so I forgave her, just hoping to make things right. But I heard on the grapevine things like "why does he have to be FORCED into paying me attention?" Things seemed good (to me) until she called to break up. I tried reasoning, said I would miss her, etc. We agreed to meet up next day and she seemed glad to see me, which was confusing. We spent a few hours together, then afterwards she wouldn't reply to texts, so I called, but nothing changed. About a week later, after no contact, I decided to make one last effort. I went over to her place and told her I understood she wanted to be free at her age. I told her I loved her, asked her if she was sure she wanted to throw away all we had built. But she wouldn't be moved. So I left, leaving it on good terms at least. The last thing she said was "if it's meant to be it will happen" I haven't heard from her in 2 months. I know she's young and still finding herself, and it was too much to expect her to settle down. She is a bit kooky and needy its true, but there was a real bond between us. I accept this current relationship is over, but I don't want her to forget me or to fade from my life for good. It was just bad timing. Is there any glimmer of hope for the future?