quovadimus

you can't make someone want to fix things with you. he must want to himself. it takes you being angry, sad, down, scared, betrayed or anything else you need to feel. it takes you asking what ever question, for how ever many times. it takes what it takes. these are no games. disallowing them is playing games. your therapist is a loser. no amount of you being prettier is going to make your husband want you. they don't cheat because they're not getting enough at home. they cheat because they're not giving enough at home. find yourself a worthy therapist. he doesn't have sex with you, his wife, but apparently has no problems having sex with someone else. what's wrong with this picture. ask yourself honestly why you so badly want someone who doesn't give you anything. then answer yourself honestly. then decide what the proper action is. my best to you.

YOU NEED HELP. "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you" and this is absolutely true for about 95% of the cases. if you want to get past this hurt, call a therapist, tell your husband, come clean and take responsibility for yourself.

read this only if you're ready to hear it. he isn't coming around because he doesn't want to take responsibility for what he has done. you have human feelings and a need to know about her, what ever you need to know about her. you have feelings and they can be processed with or without him. you don't need him to heal. if you want to heal the relationship HE WILL NEED TO HELP YOU HEAL. there is no way around that. what he is telling you, is that he wants you to clean up his mess for him. if that's your thing, then by all means find a way to be above being human and not have feelings or mention about this issue. just about every book and therapist out there will tell you and him the same thing. my best to you.

you decide how freaked out you should be. if you think it's not fixable, i can guarantee you, it isn't. if you think it might be, and he thinks it might be, you have a chance. it takes hard work, and gets worse before it gets better.

some really basic things: -sudden change in hair style -sudden interest in weight loss/body image -sudden change in cologne -spending longer hours "at work" -won't answer cell phone, but hides phone display -frequent text messaging -sudden cancellations of plans with you -lack of sex drive, or sudden increase in sex drive -emotional distance -used to tell you about someone at work/school/hobbies enthusiastically and suddenly stopped talking about this person All of these things can be easily explained, and are really just basics. Hope this helps.

Yes I have found the following things are helping rebuild trust. -he MUST break contact with this person; if not possible, he MUST be willing to tell you the extent of their contact any time you need to know -he MUST be willing to WIN your trust, he's NOT ENTITLED TO IT. -he MUST be willing to get over feeling guilty, b/c ultimately you will need to talk about this with him. -he MUST be willing to give up his privacy and tell you where he has been any time you want to know, no matter how many times you ask. -he MUST be willing to SHOW YOU (not just words) that he is willing to do what it takes to WIN YOUR TRUST. -he MUST be willing to put aside his own discomfort to comfort and re-assure you. These are the things that have helped, though there are no guarantees. My best to you.

dear dreams: I am going through the exact same thing, with the exception that I am already married to him. Same thing. He calls it a big mistake, doesn't know why he did it, tells me he is willing to do what it takes to get trust back. Obviously regrets what he has done. Counselling is an option. We are in counselling. Even with all the right things, there are no guarantees. I have all the right things and am still conflicted. He says, does, feels all the right things. The question is do I? And that is what will need to make your decision. It isn't what someone else thinks you should be doing. It's what you think you should be doing, and when you're in a BAD place, like feeling betrayed, it's not easy to make that decision. My plan is to behave my way to success, even if I don't feel it in the moment, the day sometimes the week. Deciding whether to stay or go, can also be a process. Let it be one if you need to. If he's in a hurry to have you decide to stay or go, and you can't hurry this decision, it's obvious he's not for you. If he truly wants to fix it, he'll know he can't hurry you. all my best to you.