Tried

Hi everyone, I am wreck right now, me and my girlfriend broke up two days ago. I always thought about breaking up, and always knew a part of me wanted it. We fought pretty often, she was afraid of everything and insecure, which made me insecure because it felt like she didn't trust me and i that made me feel pushed away, i was also insensitive. We had many very happy times as well. I can still feel her kiss. I just felt so distant from her when she would talk about irrational fears that have persisted from her childhood. However, i feel so horrible right now. I found one of her posts on here talking about how unfair it is to love someone and not have them love you back. Nobody should ever have to see that, i wish that i hadn't because i can't handle the thought of her crying. I know what i could have done to make things work but i could just knew that my feelings didnt want me to at the time. I feel like i have lost a part of me, we were so intimate, i went through the death of her father with her. I am almost in a panic, i have been in love before, but i have no idea if i was in love this time around, i feel like i have deconstructed the word love so much that i just cant find out if i am or not. And i am so afraid that i will never find anyone else who shares what we had intellectually. I am so afraid of hurting her, i dont want to hurt anyone, i feel other people's pain so well. I dont know what to do becauseI feel like an idiot for posting like this, but i feel absolutely alone, i have nobody to talk to for some reason its like i need to talk to someone as close as i was with her, but that is gone. I ended it somewhat coldly because i thought it would be less painful, being too nice at the end of relationship can just make it more painful, with false hope and guilt over loss, although she is the one that finally called it off. I just dont want there to be pain for her or for me even if she dislikes me a little more for it. I keep having flashbacks of the many good times we had and they kill me, I care about people so much why do we have to get into relationships and break up and get together, cant we just love eachother? i just want to call her and tell her how wonderful i think she is and how much i miss her, but doubt holds me back just as doubt caused the relationship to end. I hate doubt i wish we could just know what we wanted in life. I am so afraid that i am making a mistake, but i know that there is no way for me to find out until i let time pass. I know that time will heal me, or my goodness i really hope so. I just always wanted a more independent girl, i am always taking care of people i just want someone who is strong enough to take care of me once and a while. I want a girl who doesn't let fear hold them back. Thank you for listening to me, I feel so utterly alone but i have survived it before, the beauty of life is always present even during its darkest moments.

1 hour of intercourse... if we are looking to use the average for everyone as what is important then i would have to say ...ahem, bullcrap on a few levels. 1. most women do NOT want to be pounded for an hour the friction just becomes too much, 2. Most men find it very difficult to go for an hour, or at least to want to hold it back for an hour! Want proof SHOVE THIS IN HER FACE: link removed The average time that men lasts based on this study done by Johnson and johnson is 7.3 MINUTES. Clearly your gal is either lying or got lucky... or is it unlucky...

Hi Iori, I am no expert but I LOVE ethology, i fell in love with it when i was 15 after reading the book "Manwatching" by Desmond Morris. Ironically i think it is one of the most applicable feilds of science since it is about experimental determination of human behavior and its causes, but at the same time one of the areas that has yet to be accepted in the public domain. Despite the fact that it is based on observational data and that evolutionary theory fits right into it, almsot like saying that is WHY we couldnt explain it before, and that is WHY we came up with that explanation. However, the single most important answer that ethology has provided with us is that the reasons for human behaviour is a lot more complicated then we think, people are always very skeptical about lumping human behavior into some instinct or another, but they usually just end up on the other extreme, saying that we can never understand it. For example like residue left over from when man was more ignorant and we attributed everything to God, many still want to believe that some things can never be understood simply because it is what their beliefs tell them to do. Realistically it makes no sense to argue that we behave one way because of instinct because you can just say that God made us have that instinct. But people dont like the way that the explanation feels so they decide that it goes agaisnt god. Ethology is not an absolute thing but rather points to likely causes, and almost always there is more then one answer for every question. Since we are trying to answer questions using results and are not able to see what path was actually taken on the road to human behavior, we have to assume that it could be one the other or what is usually the answer a combonation of all of those paths. However its results can be misleading, because we can always only look at one fragment of behavior at a time. For example yes what you define as a nice guy finds it harder to get girls, so bullies get the girls right? Well lets think about why then people are nice, why they are altruistic. In Manwatching, Desmond Morris suggests that in the early world man lived in small tribes where everyone around him had a similar genetic code, thus helping those around you would help carry on your genetic code so the strains of humans who felt more altruistic and worked together survived over others. But then as humans gained dominance, populations exploded and all of a sudden in a big city you are surrounded by people that have very different genetic codes, but there is no reason for the instinct of altruism to go away because the instinct isnt literally aware of the other persons genetic code beyond how aware you are of if someone is a brother or sister, we end up still helping anyway. ETC ETC So it would seem the only difference between a nice guy and a mean guy is that either the mean guy treats himself just as he treats others, or a mean guy just has a weaker sense of genetic altruism, since there are different levels of this one can assume that there are many causes for these differences and they are more then just genetic. The environment that we grow up in, the influence of other people, etc. So in the end instincts are made up from a lot more things then we think, dont think that instincts are expressed the same way for every person, general trends exist, but the definitions for every instinct are blurry indeed. The path from feelings to ideas is so complex and that is why it leads to different outcomes.

Are you thinking straight O_G? (pun possibly intended) being straight means he isn't sexually attracted to or actively sexual wih other men but rather, with women, thus there is no way to sleep with or kiss him, unless 1. He turns gay or 2. he was indeed never straight in the first place. Hence your only option is to find out. In this case since it doesnt sound like you know anyone who would know, you either have to get someone nuetral to find out, or confront him with it yourself. If he isnt gay, take a cold shower, if he is, take a shower together. Weigh your gains and balances only you can decide what sacrifices are worth finding out. Good luck

As much as i am sure she has thought this through i really must say that most of the time plans like this don't work out in the end. Most people are just hard wired to be jealous seeing their lover being intimate with someone else, people aren't always in control of their feelings even if they made a decision. For example childhood fears, many people are still afraid of things they know are irrational but since they are in a pattern of feeling that way they feel scard in the dark e.t.c. It is certainly just my personal opinion but i think that this does not bode well. I have the same problem as you but my girlfriend gets upset and tries to hide it every time we see a big breasted woman on tv...

I don't want anyone to think i was attacking them, the advice given in this post has been valuable.

Im sorry bad-faerie, i think that this site does the most good when we try to make it as beneficial as possible and try not to always make it an outlet for our beliefs. What i was trying to tell you in my last post was not only that your decision is going to be made from within yourself (which is obvious) but that the real answer lies within yourself and YOUR own happiness. If you happiness wasn't linked to your partners and your sons, than i would say that it was ok for you to stay with your original partner, but clearly you view that as high potential for grief in yourself manifested as grief in your household. So go with your heart on this one because it is your heart that is the pillar which holds up everyones happiness in this situation. If you are going to be unhappy because of a love lost (if you stay with your partner), indeed there will be conflict in the household. And that is the danger that we are trying to avoid here, not some fundamental absolute truth about how it is "just wrong to leave the guy". Truly putting these people's happiness and your own happiness first seems to be the goal here, so lets stay away from our fundamental suppositions, and just define good as: making these people happy. Why should that principle be marginalized in the face of one with no results? EX: She stays with the guy and clearly will feel that she has missed out on a big opportunity in her life, this disrupts the notion of keeping the household "together" in the first place to a degree that Faerie knows better then we do so she needs to use her heart to decide. After all: "What happens to a dream deffered?" -Langston Hughes

I think that the definition of a romantic relationship are ethereal. When i feel out the differences between my romantic intimate relationships and my just intimate relationships, the main difference i find is physical interaction. That physical interaction which is so important and causes more intensity and reliance on that particular intimacy. However, time and time again, in an attempt to be a keen observer, find it very dangerous to rely only on romantic relationships. I have seen many examples of people who put all their cards on their boy or girlfriend, all it really does is make for a risky situation. In a romantic relationship two people are trying to have as much common as possible, with all the responsibilities and ties that one must make to have such a commitment, people don't become lovers with anybody that they could be friends with for a reason! Thus i think that it is ultimately healthy to have intimacy with more people then jsut your lover. I am talking from seeing so many examples, of people that put a little too much into their romantic relationships. This is jsut how life is, you are close to someone and the next month you barely know them, people change situations change, feelings change. There are always new people to meet. And just because these people arent contacting you doesnt mean they dont still like you. Just because you feel it is necessary for communication to be at a certain level in order for real friendship to be existant doesnt mean they do. So try and cope with their definitions of life as well and you will be happiest, appreciate what you do get from eachother and suffer not from what you want to get. If you really think that you have a problem and that your friends just lose interest or abandon you, take heart and do not blame yourself or them unless you truly want to. Your situation is not so hopeless in that life as it is for all people is adorned with countless meetings of people, the farther another grows from you the more potential you have for the next person to come along, and in your situation these seperations have not ended on a bad note. In this situation make what they want what you want, make what they think is right what you think is right because there are no rules and regulations for friendship, the nature of friendship flourishes best when there is no blaming. Im sure some people will have a problem with the previous sentance but what im really trying to say is that sometimes you just have to feel it out and try to not just understand another persons point of veiw but literally feel their point of veiw. Keep your chin up reader girl, that you are blessed enough to say you have had very close relationships is a testament to your character int he first place... Some can never say it at all. Good luck

Hey bro, take it easy, don't start thinking like it is some intrinsic characteristic of yours to not meet your goals. It's not. People change all the time and the first step is to genuinly believe that you can. But thats not enough, mind over matter doesnt come that easily. Humans are still creatures of habit and experience. If a person is used to doing something, has fallen into a cycle of feeling or reacting a certainw ay, then it takes active work to change and not just contemplation. Your focus needs to be on getting the kinds of experience you want in now. Even if you are feeling nervous, lazy, or unmotivated you have to set goals for yourself and follow them blindly. often i will set goals for myself at one point believing in them completely, and then when it comes time to actually take action, i logic my way out of them and regret it later. That is why we have to truly have mind over matter, if we are about to take action but start to feel ourself "logicking" our way out of it or just not feeling up to it you must counter it. I think about how i know i will regret it, holding on to that memory of disappointment and knowledge that taking action now is the only way to avoid a worse fate, because i know that deep down inside we have really convinced ourselves that we really DO want more experience with girls, or we really DO want to reach some goal. So it is time to start fighting with your mind WITH your mind hahaha and remember why we make goals in the first place: because at the time of our most critical contemplation we have decided what is best for us knowing well ahead of time that doubt will try and turn the tables when the time comes. After the deed is done we always find that we feel that it was better to have done it despite the outcome then to not have done it at all. To me, its sort of like: better that i live and suffer then not live at all, especially when i have so much to learn from suffering. Be strong, control your desires as best you can, believe in what makes you happy, and even if you fail EVERY SINGLE TIME do. not. lose. confidence. Good luck

Chin up boyo, If you feel that the lack of talking in your relationship somehow makes it... less. Then it will be less, but if both sides really don't mind and consider that you are both new to relationships so why would either of you be experts at prolongued prattle, then its nothing to worry about. I personally feel that it is very common for there to be a stage early in a relationship where there is very little said. It takes time and experience to be comfortable enough around someone to sometimes just let yourself think, or just let yourself say anything. Also a relationship isn't such an absolute thing that every person feels infatuated at the same time to the same degree. There is perfect potential for you to get to know this girl better and for you to discover that she is much more then you think. OR for you to come to appreciate what you already know in a different manner. If you feel that the relationship is uneven in some way or lacking, i would say that you are both new to the game and no matter what don't be too absolute about anything, be open to possibilities that your notions may not be the most helpful all the time, and most of all be ready to learn learn learn from this great event: your first relationship. May good luck be all up in your grill

Beliefs beliefs beliefs, everyone is simply expressing different beliefs. Some people say that she should focus on applying what she calls good to her sons feelings first. Some say that it is her feelings that come first. And some say that her feelings should be attended to because if she is unhappy and her husband is unhappy then the child will suffer the most of any scenario. Since we are all pitching in our two cents and you are all wonderful for sharing anyway ill do the same. I think whats best for the lady right now is not for people to try and define her beliefs for her. People may not know what they want very often, but they can identify emotions. In the end the advice that we give is in addition to the feelings that that person is already feeling. She obviously wants her son to be happy and puts a huge focus on that, she also wants to be happy herself for reasons including that she wants a healthy environment for her son, but in the end i am going to stop trying to put my ethical decisions on her and tell her that i support her in the decision that she makes. I have heard her speak and seen her compassion for her son, those around her, and her desire for people to just be happy. I believe that her happiness is dependant on the happiness of the people she is responsible to help so I am encouraging her to use her inner self to make a decision. Sometimes it feels that if we don't have our inner sense of right and wrong we have nothing despite that it differs in everyone, so i encourage her to use it.