Adventurer

I'm so sorry you are in this. I can understadn you are hurt because of the apparent injustice of this woman conceiving so quickly, when you have had the real pain of two miscarriages. That it was your husbands makes it so much more unbearable. Again the dimension of his infidelity (becasue separation or not it is too raw to be sleeping with an ex at taht stage). I guess you have too look at the different areas that are causing you pain. Deal with the injustice of "fate". Find a way of coming to terms with that. Then look at your marriage - what is the real future there? Once you can say yes I want to be in this marriage and you can stand next to your husband, work together to find a way of supporting each other through this. A baby, and the presense of this woman will be so disruptive you'll need to be very strong. Maybe the reality is that you are not meant to be together (as hard as this is to look at). The final part, and perhaps one of the hardest is that as much as this 'looney bin' has hurt you and your relationship she is still stuck with a second pregnancy and a young child. What a hard set of things to look at. Anyone of these issues would be difficult to sort out. I think the only way you can make a start is break them down and look at each element one by one. Good luck.

My heart really goes ou to you. I have two children (and one on the way) and my husband has left me. He had an emotional affair with a woman from his work. Foolishly I did not insist he break all ties with this woman. One thing I have learnt from much reading is that an affair can be like an addiction. i don't believe that you are going to get anywhere unless he breaks all contact with her. This is hard esp becasue of work and finanaces etc, but that has to be done. As for your son (very close in age to me two). He is far better having the stability of being with just you than the toing and froing. Ask yourself what it is exactly that you want and then decided what it takes to achieve that. Put it to your husband. If he can't give you that then choose. Once the choice is made you MUST stick to it. I have answered so many questions from my oldest son. So hard at first but he has recevied consistent answers from me and now 4 months on the questions have dwindled and he seems to know the replies by rote. It is not his fault. His Mum and Dad love him etc. When he asks about if I do or do not lvoe his Dad I answer him that that is between Mum and Dad (as he used to try and use this by telling his Dad "you can live with us now Dad Mum loves you again". They do not understadn the complexity of adult emotions. In such hard times it is so important not to make too many major changes in your sons life (keep one foot on the ground at all times!) What is sex without love and respect in a marriage? Calling you a w---- and a c--- is not respect and is not love. you can't force these things. Having sex and hoping that love and respect follow won't work they should be there first. Are you hoping that intimacy (sharing a bed not making love) with your husband will lead to this? If it didn't before then why now? Don't build on rocky foundations. I sincerely hope that you can get some clarity on this. Above all love and respect yourself.x

I have been told by an ex "More than a handful is a waste". I am a C and at your age, I was so self-conscious, thinking I was too big! Try looking at different bra styles that emphasise the bust . Get a proper bra fitting and see what they recommend.

You funny little kiwi! Try a product called "stain devils". I saw them in foodtown. Can't say they detailed cum stains on wallpaper as one of their applications...failing that, get ye down to Mitre 10 hardware pronto. Put up a poster or move the bed and try a cloth next time (actually a handy t shirt and straight into the wash!) Is it me or does the line "Only you can make you happy" (who uses that) seem so much more appropriate in this discussion.

Just be wary of online ''I love yous'. My husband worked with a woman with whom a friendship developed. The also emailed alot. The worst email I found he was telling her how much he loved her, but said he didn't have the courage to tell her face to face. To me he explained it was another reality. What I am saying is, there is safety behind the screen. Relationships that normally take months can take weeks - even days. Just be sure that what goes on online is keeping pace with what is going on face to face. Take the words on board but don't invest too much into them. Let some real time romance develop if it will, if it doesn't...let it go.

Do not give him the letter. With my ex I have written so many letters and emails but not sent them. I have been in places and described my feelings just like yours then the next day have been bawling again, or angry and so glad I did not send anything. I kept them though as a track of my progress. Keep it cool. A letter may seem too needy, especaily at such an early stage of the break up. I hope you are one of "the lucky ones" and the pain will not return in the old bargaining, anger, denial, depression...cycle. Very few people skip straight to acceptance in such a short time though. Is maybe the letter a subtle form of bargaining - a way of keeping him in your life?

Yes...actually I would like to know the answer to this one too! Wth my ex those conversations where he has gone on about all the really positive changes he has been making seem...a little over the top. Kind of like he is saying "told you I could do it by myself, look how great I am doing" yet trying to convince himself too. Basically he/she could be saying "I don't need you." Persoanlly, cnce I stopped doing the very embarrassing bargaining phone calls and brought a balance between NC and the odd sutle hint that I was moving on too (but refraining from putting it in his face) he started contacting me back. For the first time he started to ask me how I had been and what I had been up to. I kept things quiet and polite "Fine thanks, and been busy". Partly to bug him and partly to stop myself from sharing my life when it was no longer his business. So hard! I guess it really depends at what stage of the break up this happens. Perhaps later it developd into more a mutual give and take on how each other are doing. This seems like reclaiming territory (much like a teenager does from their parents) and partly a subtle poke at you. Maybe that is too cynical!

Wow! Your situation and feeligns are so close to what I am now experiencing that I had to register and reply! To give you some background. My "estranged" husband has worked overseas for the last year and a half (overseas tours have always been a part of our relationship). During this time I sold our home and moved myself and our two young children around the world to lvie in a place close to him (jint decision). We can't live with him as he works in a war zone. Last Ocotber he was home on leave and I discoverd emails between him and a co worker that had escalated two weeks after he had left us follwoing the big move. An emotinal affair. Anyone who tells you taht an affair needs sex needs to do their homework - it was and is devastating. So far from the person who I have known and been with for ten years. We decided to move on and he was very remorseful but confused. He maintained contact with this woman under the auspices of work though I was always upset when the conversations turned even slightly personal. At Christmas he had again become distant and I was angry. Unfortunately I was also pregnant with our third child! He had said that we needed to talk when he came home but avoided any conversation. When he returend three weeks later I did the "that's it I want a divorce". I meant I wanted him to show that he cared about our relationship, but boy he sure bolted for that open door. I went through the same emotions you guys ahve been discussing - baraining, denail, angry (lots of). He still refuses to discuss anything though is now calling his sons once a week. I will next see him again when he returns just prior to this baby's birth. I can't understand how he can be so cool about this. How ten years and a family means nothing. No contact is impossible as he need to cotact the kids and arrange monthly support payments (the only honourbale thing he is doing). While the logical side says let it go, the preganant hormonal side and another whole part of me also wants him back. Boy the grief is at times visceral even after alll these weeks. Moving between anger and depression. I am scared to death of seeing him in July. The last thing I need when I am about to give birth is for him to sit me down and ask for a divorce (which he has indicated he will do). A week after he said he wanted a separation he was telling me to move on. What is that??!! Is this a guy thing? Can someone be in such complete denial of a whole ten years of their lives? It is like he is a whole different person. It is doing my head in! Anyway, I thought it was simialr and I sure could identify with alot of those feelings.