Meowy

So there is this girl that I like and was really sure she liked me as well. I heard that it was her birthday so I decided that was the opportunity I needed to start a conversation. Of late I've had bad luck and it seems the women that like me are taken. The last girl I asked out said yes but I found out that she already had a boyfriend after she agreed to go with me. So with the new lady I decided to ask first whether she had a boyfriend or not before I asked her on a date. Her answer was "well, sort of". After that I just finished up the conversation because I didn't know what to make of it. How can you "sort of" have a boyfriend? Should I pursue further or just start looking elsewhere?

Same thing just happened to me! I work with this girl who flirted with me and I finally asked her out. Well she said yes but then at the time we were supposed to go out she said she couldn't because she had a boyfriend. I guess that kinda one ups your experience. The girl actually agreed to a date and then cancelled it because she had a boyfriend! I mean its one thing to flirt but to actually agree to go on a date with someone and then say you have a boyfriend.

OK, here's the update: I guess I did have a really good reason to worry. After the holiday weekend I didn't see her and couldn't contact her until today. It turns out she has a boyfriend and she's not going to go on that lunch date with me any more. I guess I just surprised her that she couldn't tell me that when I asked or something. I guess I misread all the signs. Oh well... I don't know what to feel. I got my hopes up and now I'm kinda crushed again. I am just so unlucky in love. I know it's my fault really, setting your heart on something can only lead you to a bigger fall.

Here's my situation: There is this girl I like at work but we work in different departments so rarely got to talk to each other. To me it seemed as if she was interested in me, how she smiled and stared etc. Well since we hardly had a chance to talk and being shy I emailed her asking her if she would like to go to lunch with me and to get to know each other better. Well after no reply from her I overcame my shyness and asked her if she got my email this friday. Well she said she never got it so I asked her if she would like to go out with me sometime and get to know each other better. What worries me is that she really didn't know what to say, she seemed really shocked or maybe she was shy too and didn't know what to say. So I just explained that I was interested in knowing her better and going out with her and she suggested we go for lunch next week. I was really excited that I actually asked her and that she said yes but now I am really worrying about why she paused and didn't know what to say at first. My mind is playing tricks with me and wondering if she just said yes to be friendly or does she really like me and could be interested in more than friends? Help please! One more thing: I was have a new job, my last day was supposed to be Wednesday but that job fell through. Well during my conversation with her she asked me if I was going to the specific company when I never told her where I was supposed to be going. In fact I think I told maybe one or two of my closest colleagues where exactly I was going. Should I see this as a good sign, like she is asking around about me or what? Thanks!

If he loves you then he should be happy as long as you are happy. There are people who like their partners to have a little meat on their bones but talk to him about it. Tell him that you are happy with the new you and he should be too.

Thanks again Eva, I really wouldn't know what to do without these forums. My ex was the only person I could really open up to with my feelings. I have tried since the breakup to reconnect with friends with some results. It's times like this you find out who is really in your corner. I know 2.5 months is not that long of a time to get over a 4 year relationship. It's just that I see my ex moving on so fast, finding someone new a couple of weeks after we broke up. I thought I meant everything to her, she said so and yet I was replaced so fast. When I talked to her earlier she just couldn't understand why I haven't moved on yet. She said things just happen in life and life is short, move on and get over it. She said it shouldnt' take months to heal like I am taking because I should realize that nothing lasts forever. I know life isn't fair but it just doesn't seem fair to me that I did everything for her, I loved her more than I thought I could love anyone else and she told me how much she loved me and feared that I would find someone else. Yet it isn't right that she can move on so fast and yet I'm stuck in the heart ache. I know things will get better over time. Thank you for your kind words.

Affirmation by Savage Garden It's Not Right But It's OK by Whitney Houston Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac (mostly the chorus, its just so powerful. You are forced to forget your ex and move on but if your ex wronged you they might never truly get over what they did to you). Lonely No More by Rob Thomas

I feel exactly like you do. My relationship of 4 years ended in feb. My ex was the center of my life. Before her I was just content, with her I was finally happy. Now I find myself not being able to look towards the future with any hope of being happy ever again. Sure I have friends I have reconnected with that try to help but there is no one I really hang out with, no one I can connect to and open up all my feelings to like my ex. The only thing that can keep you going is thinking that you found one person in the world that made you happy and that only increases your chance of finding someone else who will. Your ex isn't the only girl in the world that you will find happiness with. As they say practice makes perfect and finding and connecting with your next love will be easier.

Eva, I wouldn't throw everything away just yet. If possible box it up and store it in a closet or where ever. When you are fully healed and can think of your ex with no emotions then go through it and see if you still want to keep any of it or throw it away. To me its like a game. I have boxed everything my ex has given me because to me throwing it away would be like admitting defeat. It would be like saying "you hurt me so much that I can't stand any of the memories you have given me". Hope that helps.

Thank you Eva, I tell myself over and over again that my ex isn't worth it, that I am better off without her but it just doesn't seem to penetrate the wall my heart has placed over my emotions. I admit that I have painted my ex in a bad light but there were times when she was there for me and helped me through difficult times. And I wasn't perfect either, no one can be but at least I never cheated. At least I never strayed. All my fantasies for a future revolved around her. All other women seemed to cease to exist because she was all I cared for and thought about and despite the fact that I want to erase those feelings she is still the one I care about and think about. It's very hard to put 4 years of all your hopes and dreams into one thing and find that it ended. I can say that I was never really happy with my life until I found my ex. Yes I was content but not happy. And now what do I do? Its all ended and I'm left with a life in ruins. It really hurt me to find that she could replace me so fast. The second time she might not have cheated on me but it still hurts that she moved on so fast. I am jealous, I admit it. I tried so hard to make her happy and I did too but it just didn't seem enough. I just can't rectify the fact that she was always the jealous one. She always wanted to know about girls I worked with or saw when in actuality she was the only one that existed to me. She always would tell me that the biggest fear she had was that I would find someone new and replace her. I can't understand it! That was her worry and yet she did replace me so fast and yet I can't get over her no matter what I do. Did she ever feel that way or was she just stringing me along??? I just wish the pain would end. These past few days have been the worse of the break up. After 2.5 months I expected some sort of progress, but all the progress I've made is backwards. I am so tired of thinking about her, loving her and talking about this. When will it just end? I am stuck trying to forget the happiest moments of my life when you should never want to forget those moments. Yet I will never be able to move on and heal if I don't. I'm just so tired of it all...

I'm sorry Eva that you had to find out that your ex was really cheating on you and being unfaithful while you were waiting and being faithful. If it gives you some measure of closure than I am glad for you. At least now you can heal and not wait any longer for him when you know he isn't waiting around for you. I know you are hurting now but don't go out and do what you suggested and just find a man for sex and an empty relationship. There are men out there who deserve your trust and who will remain faithful. Its just a matter of trying to love again. I know, I'm there too. I put everything I had into being faithful and loving my ex. I built my whole life around her and even with the distance I never thought about another woman. My ex was the center of all of my fantasies both sexual and non. She was the one I wanted to spend my whole life with and well some people say that but yet their eyes roam. Our exes are alot alike in that matter. At least your ex seems to talk to you about things whereas when I talk to mine she tries to be as curt and rude and cruel as possible. Good luck and don't sell yourself short in future relationships. You aren't stupid, you are just a strong lover.

You are not weak, breaking NC only makes you human. What might help is to try this. Limit yourself to the number of times you will talk to him in the future. Make it 3 or 5 or so. Contact him that many times but no more! Since you are limiting yourself to these few times you have to make sure that what you say to him is all that you really want to say and very poignant. So keep a logbook/journal of everything you want to say to him. When that fills up to the point where you think you have enough to contact him read through what you wrote and see if everything still makes sense in saying to him. If there are things that don't then take them out and wait for it to fill up again. Keep going and eventually you might gain the complete freedom of never having to contact him again. I don't know your full situation but do you have family or friends near by? Being off and alone is when the pain really strikes you because you have nothing to compete with your feelings and thoughts of your ex. Days off are killer I know, I have no friends that I hang out with but am lucky in having my mother and brother close to me. I find myself staying later and later at work just to have some sort of human contact. Of course it doesn't work all the time, I still think about my ex even when I am "busy" with other things. I think what you need to do is find some sort of competition for the thoughts of your ex. Hard I know, I am quiet and not very out going person myself but sometimes you have to try and force yourself. Take Care!

Thank you Eva, I read your thread and I feel really horrible for you. It choked me up. I too have feelings that its better to just shoot myself or end the pain because I don't believe I will ever get over my ex. As I said before going to visit her in Singapore was the experience of a lifetime. Something I never thought I would want to put in my past but alas now I am forced to do so whether I like it or not. Its so difficult because all my old wounds have been reopened. I was her first bf and love and she was so elated when we first met because she never thought she would find anyone. Well over the past two years she was with me, cheated on me and broke up with me, got back together with me, broke up again and a week or two later found someone else, all the while telling the person they were with that she loved them, wanted to be with them forever, etc. I asked her how she can just flutter in and out of love so easily and she said that feelings change. Granted I understand that feelings change but over night and to be in and out of love with 3 people over 2 years? I want to be blunt and say that she changes her feelings like other people change their underware. I want to say that its best that we broke up now and I didn't move out to live with her and abandon my family when she can change her feelings so fast and with disregard for the years we had together. It doesn't make the pain any better but maybe one day I can actually believe what I just said and it is better to break up now than make a bigger committment and found her changing her feelings then. I am starting to read a couple books on break ups and healing. They tell me that I have to look at it from the perspective that she has a right to change her feelings. Why can't I believe that? Why does it seem wrong to me to make promises to people over and over again and go back on them because her feelings changed? I want to heal and put this in the past so badly but I just feel like throwing up now...

I've broken NC with my ex over the 2.5 months we've been broken up. I admit sometimes it was for closure and others for trying to get back together with her. Well I'll tell you that you probably won't get any closure from talking with your ex. Over the course of the 2.5 months my ex has given me 4 reasons for the break up on 4 different occasions, each different than the last and each time saying that the previous reasons she gave were wrong or that she didn't say them in the first place. From my experience asking an ex for closure doesn't help, it just confuses more and keeps the wounds open. I just found out yesterday that she started seeing someone new a week or so after our break up. She previously cheated on me before in the relationship and it open those wounds up. I thought those old wounds were healed and they were not so I am worse off for hearing from her or news about her than if I kept NC. I know have the wounds from the current break up to deal with compounded with the old wounds I thought I had healed. I think its best to just move forward with your life. You might never know the reason for the break up but there is nothing you can do about it, your ex might not have the answers as well and will probably only provide more pain. I hate to say this when I don't fully believe it right now but sometimes events happen in our life for a reason. You can't question them, you can just adapt and move on.

It seems like a week later and things have gone from bad to worse. My heart is really winning and I can't stop missing her so much. Today I got the real clincher: we broke up at the end of feb and I just heard today that at the beginning of march she started seeing someone new! This is from the same girl who on march 1 or so said that she could never replace me with someone else and she would never find anyone who loved her as much as I did and yet she moved on a few days later. I did try to pursue her until the beginning of april, so why didn't she tell me that she was seeing someone else? Yeah, maybe she was trying to be nice and not hurt me but I was pleading and beginning to her and she never told me she already had someone. Would it have made a difference I ask myself? Maybe. I just feel like a fool now that I spent all that time pleading for her back when she already found someone else and never told me. Did she just string me along to give her a feeling of power, I believe someone said in another thread its like being a narcissist to some people. It just feels like my heart as been ripped apart and trashed again. The pain is so fresh and real. It hurts so much more than before. I can't believe that I fell for her lies again. It's been asked and pondered a million times but how can someone find love so fast just days after saying they would never do so! What makes it harder is I have very few friends to turn to. As I mentioned before I am usually reserved and don't go out and do much. I talk to my other friends maybe once or twice a month. I was happy with my life of being with my gf, and going to the gym, work and reading and that was my hobbies. People tell me to go out and have new experiences and meet new people, but that has never been me! I feel like I would be saying that my life isn't adequate enough by doing such a thing. My head hurts, my heart is destroyed and I just don't know what to do next. Any hope or positive thinking I have done is out the window. Please help.