zara

the real thing to consider is that he left u alone when u needed him most. when u were having his child. u put up with too much. forget the gf. he let u down and it doesnt matter why. u sound a lot like me-- too forgiving. if i were u i would say to him that he left u when u needed him most, that he acted like less than a man in doing so, he shouldnt have cheated on his wife and defo not his pregnant wife. and then drop him. only speak to him when it regards the kids. and make sure u get custody when u divorce his sorry * * *. get a good lawyer. i have seen some crazy things happen in t he court room (im a lawyer) and often a woman will end up with a bad deal if her husband has good legal advice. dont let that happen to u. ur heart will heal eventually, but it has to break first for it to heal properly. let out the pain, and u will be surprised how quickly u recover, and can be a better, more independent and happy mother for the little ones. best of luck.

in my opinion there is only one thing to do. tell her that u love her, that u want her. that she matters to u. however, whether she can put the past behind her, and u both, is a decision that she will have to make also. and then really surprise her, and urself-- and do not contact her again. like ever. this is the hard part. u are hurt, have been hurt by this experience. she cheated on u. this has affected ur self esteem. it would affect any sane persons conception of their own value. u must step away from teh situation. and allow urself time to heal from this. and u must be the guy she fell in love with. ie no random sex with strangers. in 6 weeks- something is magical abt that number of weeks, her hold on u will disappear. i really mena that. not five weeks, not four weeks. but six weeks. of no contact at all. and u will feel better then. a greater sense of self. move forward in life, try and be a better person and learn from this experience. im sure u have already. and who knows? if u leave her hanging like that, with nothing but ur last words of love to remember u by, i have a strong suspicion that one day she will knock on ur door again. but then again, thats only a guess. tc..

im sorry this is a little long!!! trying to explain the prob in full, maybe someone can help.. ok- so here goes: im in love with my ex boyfriend. i know its a common problem and i know this sounds so cliche, but i do feel some seriously strong emotions for this boy. we had a long distance relationship since february with me lving in europe and him in the states. i was introduced to him through a friend, and immediately we both knew that there was something really special with us, a feeling of serious contentment. but then, as with many relationships, the cracks began to appear. he is incredibly stubborn, pigheaded at times, mean even. he has said many a harsh thing, in the name of "honesty". his sister is my good friend, and she told me he has been an " * * * hole" for the past ten years since college. but with me he is always a mixture, sometimes loving and protective, sometimes v abrasive as he can be with other people. he had a very hard childhood. he is not just tough on other people, he is very tough on himself too. i am pretty assertive so when he gets mean, i fight back. hence- the cause of our problems. while we were together we fought a LOT. a month ago we broke up. we were both having doubts. him because we fight so much. i disappeared for a week without calling to have some space, i was that upset. i had come to visit him for a week in his town, and he was busy with work, and inattentive, and i noticed he had been texting his ex girlfriend and calling her. i figured this out because he gave me his cell phone to use, and i had to look in the call history to locate his office number. when i realised what was happening i was gobsmacked. that is when the relationship really started to deteriorate fast and i took space. after that things have been odd. i have been in a relationship that didnt work before (havent we all!) and i realised that when something is over, its better to leave graciously, not bitterly, and if possible, quickly. so right away i adopted a no contact policy with him. he didnt try to call me or email me, as he has done in the past when we had a major fight- i assume because of either pride, or indifference, or maybe a mixture. however, the past week or two whenever he sees me online he talks to me. and he gets jealous at the thought of me being with another guy, and speculates so much. i said- i really had a good time in D.C, and he said, why because u found a hot guy there, or many hot guys? randomly suggesting his jealousy. finally the other day i said, well u never even apologised for what u did. and he said- apologised for what? i got soooo mad at this i just signed off. how could he not know all the mean things he said and did to hurt me, when he knows that i am sensitive and always nice to him and deserve better? the next day i was still mad and i wrote him an email. a really angry but very articulate email, blaiming all of our issues on his stubborness and his inability to even accept any blame or own up to his own wrongs- calling and texting his ex messages like "im thinking of u" is wrong. i called him pigheaded. i explained in some detail fights we had, and how its all because of him that they existed. i know it sounds far fetched that the balance of blame could be all his but i really feel this time, that it really is. he was wrong!!! i have felt like * * * * all day today, and he didnt reespond. the problem is that i am frustrated because i really love him. i want him to be open. not so cold with me. i want him to trust me. i want him to care. but i know i cant make him. i didnt want him to be jealous after all this time, i wanted him to tell me he will try harder and that he loves me. anyways this evening i finally gave in. i emailed him knowing he would get it right away, saying i wanted to talk, wanted to apologise for the way i came accross in my anger in my email. he said dont worry, no need for apologies. but that he couldnt talk, he is really sick. he has been sick all week, but at the thought of him being so sick that he is bed ridden i feel like my heart jump out of my chest. my baaby is sick and i cant even tell him that i love him. i wrote back saying i am worried, and to take care tonight and call me if he wakes up in the night and needs to talk. i am so confused, why do i care so much? if we have been apart for a month, why does it feel like just yesterday we separated? why is the love still so strong? and he said he wants to talk tomorrow abt things then. what should i say, knowing i feel this way? that i know we have problems and that we fight, but that i love him so very much? please help.

well actually i think i can study and have time for love dramas. i like them, they are fun. and i love him...so it doesnt matter. dont worry i will pass.

yes definitely, seeing him would prevent arguments i guess but unfortunately im sooo busy with work for the next few weeks, as is he. yesterday we talked on the phone...and it was a little weird...he basically said that he is sure he loves me but not so convinced we would work long term. i told him that i would prefer if we just ended it if he really doesnt think its gonna go anywhere with us now. he said hes not sure about that yet. but he has not been online today like he always is...and it seems like he is growing more distant. i have a good mind to just totally break it off...nicely of course. im just starting to get fed up...

i totally agree with DN. she doesnt have self esteem issues from that statement she just knows she made a mistake and is telling u. she is literally putting the ball in ur court because she cares. now it really is up to you. if u feel u can put the past behind u and totallly forgive her and yourself for mistakes u made in the past and give it another shot, then GO for it. and it can really work. but if u r not sure or u dont think u can care that much, then dont jump into anything. becaus im sure this time she would put more effort and thought into ur relationship and its not fair to make someone hope and care for a future with u if u arent in it for sure. u need time to think, and reflect. and FOCUS on ur exams. from a fellow exam taker of course. who is utterly distracted at the moment by this forum. hehe

heyyy but i think she is prety screwed up by this break up too. probably u were like her rock and now even u think she is a bit nutso. i feel kind of sorry for her. i dont think u should feel guilty for breaking up with her, her issues were not ur responsibilty. take care and best of luck.

no i havent sought counselling...i mean i dont think i need counselling. yes its possible i am self sabotaging my relationships. but thats only because i was pretty scarred the first time i fell in love, and that lasted for a couple years. i am perfectly happy now. i guess i am insecure abt love tho. i was fine with my bf until i realised how much i loved him and freaked out. i guess it was the thought that maybe i might make him fall out of love with me that has scared me most. even tho i know he cares.

well there are other issues. the last time i fell in love, i ws very badly mistreated by my ex. we were happy for years, and then basically we had a few arguments (like the present ones i am having with my bf) that ended that happiness. i thought it was all his fault-- as he said and did some really bad things. but now i am seeing arguments with my present bf who doesnt fight with anyone ever, and i cant help but totally blame myself. i find myself apologising constantly after we fight and accepting responsibiltiy to appease him, just as i did with my ex. and i have lost my appetite and my ability to sleep soundly. or work productively. im not sure what to do, but a part of me wants to just not repeat what happened last time. history seems to repeat itself until u have learnt ur lesson. but what was the lesson last time i was in love? am i just choosing the wrong kinds of people? subsequent to my first lovei had other bfs and we never fought. it seems i fight with only the boys i love. why????

i have been in a bit of an unhealthy fighting mode with my long distance boyfriend. i am totally in love with him, and i thought he was with me, but lately its been nothing but bickering and arguing. he says that if things go on like this he is out the door. i found myself just accepting responsibility to prevent arguments. because we are soo far away from each other, i basically usually speak to him on AIM throughout the day. now i am wondering whether i should for the first time ever, stay away from contact for a few days to let things simmer over. but on the other hand i dont him to think i am being really mean rude or immature. i have no idea what to do. lately wen we talok he just seems really busy and keeps me waiting while he does X Y and Z (hes at work when we chat...so i get that-- but its never been like this in the past few months so i cant help but think he loves me less and feel ignored.). any advice??? is the relationship doommedd...

both your advices are very good...i know that i should just focus on work but im having an increasingly difficult time doing it. you see, i have not been in love with anyone for about six years..this is my second time, and i didnt think it was possible. and now that its happening, i am just soo scared its all going to fall apart. our relationship has basically been in AIM all day every day the past few months...and either he would fly down to see me or i him whenever we get the chance..like every three weeks... i know he loves me but the thought of him falling out of love with me actually makes me want to step away very very quickly...and just not look back....

hi, i need some advice. my boyfriend with whom i have a long distance relationship supposedly loves me very much, wanted to be with me etc. but hten we had a few really big fights about marriage. like he said he wanted to be with me forever, but then suddenly out of the blue mentioned a) he doesnt want kids ever b) he doesnt want to have a joint account so his 'idiot wife' (his words) spends all of his money on useless things. im sure he was just angry at the time but i asked him after our fight whether he still loves me or feels differently. he said he does still love me but also feels differently because our tendency to fight recently has hurt him a lot and made him have doubts about us. i feel really badd because i have been fighting with him a lot bout stupid things, as i have my final college law exams in three weeks. but the fact that he is soo far away and that i just left his place last week after spending sooo much time with him for a week nonstop except when he was at work, made me miss him, and i was stressed... so basically we have had big fights ad i think he is gonna dump me or loves me less. i can feel him pulling away....and i have recognised this pulling away...my reaction is to call him and cling but i know thats not the wy forward-- i know i should give him time but i want things to be perfect again and im so scared they wont be... hellllllp!

hi. i fell in love with my first boyfriend years ago, and we broke up many times. suffice to say, we arent together anymore, but a part of me still seems quite attached to him. when i hear through our mutual friends what he is doing, where he is living, how is feeling, my heart jumps. its a part of mne i hide from everyone, because i know he cannot love me anymore... meanwhile have been dating this guy for six months now, and he is totally in love with me. he says im the most precious thing in the world to him. when i went on holiday for a few weeks, he walked me to the station and i could see tears. i have told him i love him too, and i do. but this love is different than the last time. now i dont know if i love him truly the way i should or not. he is so different from my ex. but so adorable...its all confusing. and a part of me thinks that if my ex came back on the scene, i would be at a total loss for what to do. i wouldnt know who to be with. should i avoid this confusion and stay away from men altogether?

my advice to you is somewhat different then everyone else has posted. i think you should be brutal with yourself and her and just move on. get your things from her place completely, be really nice to her family, and just find work elsewhere and start over. u are obviously a nice person if her family and she was devoted to you and happy with you being one of their own. but its time for u to be an individual now without that unit...and maybe its gonna be hard, but its for the best. i think u should tel her that u cant talk to her until u are sure u can support her financially on ur very own. not in her parents house. no woman wants to be with a man who wont provide for her, who expects her to work. we work because we want to not because we have to. she sounds like a lovely person, and if she loves u truly (which i am sure she does) she will wait and u will renew her respect for u as a man and as a person. but this drastic measure has to be taken or else, if u cant stand on ur two feet without her, i think what u are doing is putting an expiry date on ur relationship...and it will only be a matter of time before it has to be chucked. hope this is helpful...maybe not what u want to hear. but i think if u close ur eyes and ask urself honestly what u think u should do, u will come to the same conclusion. it will be hard, but it will get easier. and if she finds someone else, she will be sorry....

thanks for everyones advice...it is really helpful. i guess deep down i know i shouldnt meet him, we will both just fall for each other all over again, and i have the most to lose...before i lost my sanity...and i dont want to lose my dignity. i do have the capacity to love my new boyfriend, but i know that it cant really be possible between us because he is moving to central america next year for a year. and the things i like about him seem to be the qualities that remind me a lot of my ex...i dont knw if thats a coincidence or not. but the point is that deep down...i fear that circumstances have caused me to be separated from the one. its this really strong feeling...and even tho now i am perfectly in control of myself, and know that if i dont want to talk to him again i will not...this feeling has lingered on for a long time. and i have this strange feeling that he might feel the same way. i guess the only thing to do is to be independent, not call email or text him ever again...and move on. if he does feel the same way...he will be back.

we broke up a year ago...it was a mutual break up, in the sense that we both didnt speak to each other again. very weird...we never said goodbye. i guess it is clearly a case of him probably being more of the dumper than me, because after a week of not hearing from him i called him to see if he was ok. he didnt answer my two or three calls, and i didnt continue calling him. i assumed he would come to me when he was ready but he never came. funnily enough i bumped into him three months ago outside a cafe and our eyes just locked. we stared for what seemed like minutes and without either of us saying anything he got into his car and left. i was really hurt, i flipped out and wrote him an email saying feelings came back and i must still really love him. he wrote me an email saying our issues could never be resolved. i didnt reply, and decided to move on. i found someone new...someone who i really like, have potential to love. i am happy...but last month i emailed him, not expecting a reply, saying shall we be friends? he replied a week later saying maybe its not a bad idea...and since then i have asked him a few times to meet me...but he seems to always be busy. so i wrote him an email saying ur obviously not ready to be friends, im really happy, and doing fine...there is a place in my life for u if someday u r ready...and he replied saying he had just been busy and acting normal as tho he does want to be friends. i dont know if being friends will hurt me...i think it just might, but i do care abt him a lot, and i have lived without him and been happy...i dont need him...but i dont know if i should have to live without someone i know so well, without someone who i care abt a lot. i also, however, dont want to screw up my own happiness and put that in jeopardy. i have a feeling that if we are friends, we might start falling for each other again. it could be messy...unless i keep a cool head abt it and am strong abt boundaries...

i have the opportunity of meeting the ex that i thought was the one. we had a messy break up. i was really hurt. should i arrange to meet him and be friends, since we cared for each other so much? or is it a bad idea...

Dear Frankie, this girl does not sound like she is being at all respectful towards you...i understand that u love her, but have a bit of dignity. what she is doing is not right, and even if u love her, it does not condone her behaving like that. i think she thinks she can say anything to u and u would still care...in essense it seems like she is taking advantage of ur love...on subconscious level we all like to feel like we are being loved and needed... i have been in ur position, had an ex i really loved hang up the phone on me and totally flip my advice to u is simple. people dont really change that much, and something in u made her fall in love with u...before there was a we there was a me. if i were you i would stand up for urself in a polite way...call her if u have enough strength, be cool about it all and say, listen i thought we could be friends but its just that we tried too quickly and i need more time and space from you. i dont think its right that u were swearing at me, because i dont think even in my drunken state i did anything to deserve that....i dont think we should talk anymore, i need to find my own happiness, and u dont make me happy now. if u say that, and let it go and dont call her, i tell u it may take some time...and it will shock her and be unexpected...but after a few months she will start wondering where u went. she might call just to check up on u....use ur time apart to regain ur own sense of self so that if and when she calls u know how to handle her. and see things for all that they are...u may love her but she is not acting right. maybe soon u will be strong enough to see that and not blame urself for everything...and if u are truly right and meant to be together, fate has a way of bringing people together when the time is right. but only when both parties are happy. independent and secure in themselves, and if it was meant to be... good luck.

lawandorder, i see what u are saying and i have decided to try ur advice. lets see if it works....wil keep ya posted

I have had a bit of a crazy past five years...im twenty two years old, and fell in love with my ex when i was 17. we had a beautiful one and half years together and then things got messed up when he went to university. i dont know exactly what happened, i think he just became really popular with his friends. and basicall he dumped me, i was shattered, acted like manic depressive, and managed to keep getting back with him and getting messed up and hurt again and then breaking up. we got back together about three times in all..i think we both love each other to some extent but recognise we have issues that may never be able to be resolved. the point is that now, it is a year on from us breaking up the last time, and fate has for some reason had it in store for us to randomly bump into each other in weird public places occasionally. im talking about random places in a city of London with its milllions of people, where the chances of that happening are slim to none. in places like bus stops or grocery stores...and i dont even live near him! i know he is not trying to find me, because it is really fleeting, random and awkward and he must be with someone else by now, its been awhile. its just that after the second time this happened i thought maybe i should get in touch with him and ask him if we could be friends. surprisingly he said yes, but when i ask him to meet me he is always busy so far...and i dont know whether he just said yes to be polite or just because a part of him wants to meet me. and now, just when i was starting to have feelings for someone else, all of these buried memories of my ex and me have started coming back to me in dreams, and i find myself quite traumatised. i think i have been denying it to myself, and i dont know whether i want to be friends with him like i suggested or just leave it...will he just screw me up even more if i open this can of worms up again? or should i just admit defeat, and allow the first guy i ever kissed, loved, held hands with, trusted to just drift away completely and find someone new? does love mean letting someone go to find their own destiny...or does love mean fighting for what you have got, and trying to be friends and see if anything is still left underneath. when we bump into each other our eyes are locked and we both cant speak...this has happened every time. i dont know why...please advise me!