goinginsane

Thanks for your responses and to answer a couple of your questions: 1. no, i couldn't work legally in Canada because I had no one to sponsor me (as a blood relative or spouse). you can't just get a work permit. 2. the conversations she had with the other "person" that i taped were not of a sexual nature. They simply confirmed that she had lied about some things she had told me (where and with whom she'd been with that night, who she was meeting the next day...etc) I really appreciate your input but this is a very complicated issue for me. Her and I have spent the better part of 9 years together. We've shared so much, including my dad's death, and her recovery from a serious illness. This is not as simple as saying "dump her". She's a part of me. And I understand that sometimes there's nothing left to salvage in a relationship, but do you really believe that the answer here is to try and move on without my heart and soul? I'm just so down right now that I can't think straight. All i know is that I love her and i always will. She's beautiful, inside and out. She's smart and funny and so damn caring. She won $100 on a radio show once and left the studio (where she'd picked up her winnings), walked up to a homeless guy and gave it to him. I'd never seen anything like that. And her family's the same way. When my dad died, my mom called and told me they didn't know what to bury him in because he didn't own a suit. My Canadian "family" not only fedexed a brand new suit, shirt and tie, but they sent flowers too, all without a second thought. The only reason I'm telling you these things is so that I can try and explain that I'm a different person today because of them. I used to be cynical and selfish. I never really understood the meaning of kindness and compassion. She and her family changed me. And it's because of all this that I can't comprehend how someone of her character could do this to me. And it's because of her character and upbringing and the wonderful things I've seen her do over the years that I can't accept that she just "changed"into someone else. I don't know. I'm lost.

First, some background..I am a 38 year old male. 9 years ago, I met a girl, who was 18 at the time, on the internet. Our relationship was wonderful and after 3 months of talking, we met in person in Canada. I'm from the States. Our meeting confirmed what we already knew. We were in love. I went home after spending a week with her, with the promise that I would be back for Christmas to stay with her and her family. I went back and her family (parents, sister, grandparents) accepted me as one of their own. I was so happy. Not only had I found my soulmate, but a huge Italian family as well. (my parents divorced when I was young and my siblings are scattered accross the US). I have to mention something about this family (including my love). These people are compassionate people that would never hurt someone's feelings. No matter what. She was in University at the time, and I promised her that once she graduated, in four years, we would get married. She accepted. As the months passed, I found it difficult to be away from her, so I spent a lot of time travelling to see her, making it hard for me to keep steady work. Each time I went to Canada, I stayed longer and longer, until eventually I was basically living in her family home. We were so happy. I didn't have to deal with seeing her crying face each time I left anymore. Since I didn't have a real family of my own, they all basically adopted me and I felt like it was my home. I did what I could to help around the house etc..since immigration laws prevented me from working. As the years passed, the bonds between us all grew strong. I love these people with all my heart and they love me. My love graduated and began to work. We now couldn't get married because we had nothing saved (my fault). I went back to the States every now and then and stayed with my mom, doing odd jobs, but I could never really get it together because I missed her so much. And i'd listen to her crying on the phone when we were apart and it would break my heart. I was weak. So I kept going back. Things between the 2 of us began to change about 2 years ago. My fault. She would come home after a hard day's work and I'd take her for granted. She began to get bitter...that I was at home all day. ..that she was taking care of me financially..that we couldn't move out..etc... But she always said she loved me and wanted to have a future with me. Last April, I told her I was going to the US for a couple of months to really seriously get some money together (I have a lot of friends that do contractual work). Although sad that I was going, she agreed that we had to do something. I was supposed to return to her at the beginning of June. In mid-May she called and told me she was going on a well-deserved vacation (she had gone from school to work and had never been anywhere, even though she was 26 years old now) with a friend from work. When she came back from her trip, she called and told me it was over between us. I wanted to die. I was completely confused. I called her mom and asked her what the hell was going on. She was devastated and said she had no idea. But she said that I should use my return ticket anyway, despite what her daughter wanted, and see the family because everyone missed me and they needed some kind of closure, if it was true that we were breaking up. I spent the weeks leading up to my return alternately vomiting and contemplating suicide. After the break-up call, we never talked. I was terrified I'd lost her. But I knew I had to see her and also the family. I also needed to get all my personal belongings, which I had left there, since it was home. I was welcomed back by everyone except my love. She was at work, and, by all accounts, furious at her family. When she came home, it was like she was a stranger. ..cold and distant. I didn't understand. Eventually we talked and she told me she didn't want to break it off, but she needed her space for a while. As the days passed, i did some horrible things. And I want to be honest here because I need your help. I went through her stuff when no one was home and discovered she had gone on vacation with a guy. So then I noticed she was on the phone a lot in her room. I taped her conversations. I now knew there was someone else. I reacted with anger. I punched a brickwall. I confronted her and she admitted she had a new "friend" from work, but that nothing had happened. She swore. The taped conversations told me otherwise so I made the mistake of telling her I was going to hurt the guy. She freaked. She said the problems we were having had nothing to do with anyone except the 2 of us. As the days passed, we started to get along better. The problem was every time she went out, I was suspicious. I was driving myself and everyone else nuts. So I decided to leave. She then proceeded to be really sweet, the way she used to be. We spent a lot of time together talking about the future. Her emails (from work) were beautiful and full of love. I had hope again. So now I'm back in the US, working hard trying to save enough for our future. She calls every day, full of loving words. The problem is with me. I'm sad. I miss her and my "family" and my home. And I can't help but be obsessive. I don't know if I can trust her anymore, but I can't live without her. She's everything to me. And I forgive her for what she did. That's how much I love her. But I want to know where she is and what she's doing all the time. I think about the fact that this guy's at work with her and I'm 3000 miles away. I think about this stuff all the time. And then I think about how she and her family is and I wonder whether she's really in love with the guy and doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't want to hurt me (or she doesn't want me to hurt him.) I'm going insane and all I ever wanted was to be with her and have a family. I'm so sad and alone. I just want to go back home to her, but I know I can't right now. We have 9 years together. I was her first lover. I'm at a loss and so angry that this "other" person may have robbed us of our future. From your perspective, what do you think about this?