Diabra

I want to say two things about LDR's. First of all, at age 15 it's not a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket. You've got plenty of time. The second is that there are basically two types of LDR's, one that is harder to "make work" and another that is easier. The first type is where you "meet" someone online or in some type of situation other than an IRL type of date. With this one, you didn't start out the relationship with a real time IRL relationship and you hope to build one eventually. The other more hopeful type is one that STARTS OUT as a real-time living-in-the-same-town relationship and then due to moving, work travel, or other situations it turns into an LDR. This type is easier to work with because you already KNOW you enjoy spending time with the other person and you have already had the experience of a real-time relationship and all it's challenges. It's even better if this separation is a temporary one, that is you can realistically see yourself being together again at some point in the future. But at age 15 I think you should leave all your options open and perhaps a new romance will take you by surprise when you least expect it.

This is a touchy situation for sure. I am in the same sort of position as well right now, so I can totally relate to what you're saying. I find myself wanting to say it all the time to my b/f but since he already knows how I feel (I've told him I love him in a roundabout way when we were chatting online before) but he has not yet said those three words to me. Neither of us have yet said it in person...but more importantly than actually saying it is how this guy is treating you. Is he *ACTING* like he loves you? Is he romantic and affectionate towards you? Does he show an interest in your life and what you are doing when you two aren't together? Does he ask about your work/school? Does he open himself up emotionally to you? There are many ways to detect if a man loves you other than having him actually come out and say those three magic words. Look for his love to show in his eyes when he looks at you, in his kiss when his lips meet yours, and in the way he strokes your arm or back when you are just sitting around watching movies together at home. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all want to *HEAR* those three words, but even more important than hearing him say them is the ways in which he *SHOWS* it.

How long have you been dating this person? The kind of love that leads to a happy marriage can take some time to grow. Give it time.

My spin on tattoos is that they are very sexy on men. I personally do not have any but my b/f has two large ones, one on his upper arm and the other one on the calf of his leg. He looks really masculine and hot with them, but big ones like that I think are best on men. Smaller tattoos look nice on women and if I ever had one, it would be a very small one placed somewhere semi-private. I personally like the full-color tatts that look more like works of fine art than skin decoration. Just my two cents.

I have read your entire thread as well as the one you linked to that had the "origin" of things in it...and I have come to the conclusion that you're in the same exact relationship that I am in *LOL* No, seriously though...after reading all that you have written here it is overwhelmingly obvious to me that this man is VERY MUCH into you and even though he is not *SAYING* those three magic words to you, he is most probably FEELING them. Going from the text messages he has sent you, those alone speak of love just in the way he addresses you and speaks to you. Please *CALM DOWN*. This is the most important thing of all here. You are spinning and that sort of panicky behaviour on your part can only serve to drive him further away from you if you do not get a handle on it. GIVE THIS GUY TIME. He may not recognize love when it comes to call simply because YOU might be his very first love! So allow him to feel these things for you without him having to DEFINE the feelings! That is the first step in him finding his way towards love and knowing what it really is/means. The very fact that you told him you are in love with him and he hasn't beat a path heading to the hills is GOOD NEWS! So be glad you have such a great guy and stop stressing over his lack of words...as long as he is *showing* you love, that is what really counts. LDR's are challenging at best. The fact that neither of you has much money to afford traveling is another fly in the ointment. However, this man seems to be holding on...if he wasn't that into you, he would just end the relationship and blame it on the long distance factor. But he hasn't, and that alone is reason to calm down and be grateful for what you DO have with this man and not worry so much about what you perceive you DON'T have. Best of luck to you...

Daywalker: I think you have a valid point there by way of us not having clearly defined the nature of our relationship. Perhaps we should have done that already. I have not pushed it much because I assumed that things would pretty much stay the way they were between us until he found out FOR SURE if he was going to Iraq for a year or not. If for some reason the job fell through and he DIDN'T leave town...that would need to be reviewed. It makes no sense to define things about "the future" when it's not clear right now that we will have any such future. So I have not been pushing the "us" talk with him for this reason. But you are right in saying that this might be a result of us having different ideas about what we actually are...whether it's FWB, b/f and g/f, casual dating, etc. I did try to broach this subject at another time with him and he gave me ambivalent answers that didn't clarify anything. He's very closed down emotionally and does not readily open up and talk about his feelings. That has been problematic for us from the start, but truly, in the past week or two I have seen that improve by leaps and bounds, so it actually seemed we were making some progress. Now...*sigh* it's not clear if he will come back from his trip and talk to me or just let things go and not bother anymore.

Hockeyboy: Thank you for your input...but I do have to say that I do not consider decent manners and respect to be "clingyness". Clingyness would be him telling me he had a chance to do this and me saying "NO!!!!! Don't go"! I never said that to him. What is bothering me here is his lack of consideration and respect of me in just agreeing to this without even having the decency to come to me first and let me know that he would really enjoy this opportunity and would I mind if he were to delay our plans for another weekend. But that's not how it was presented. He agreed to do it without even talking to me first or letting me know that something came up that he would like to be a part of. That is not clingy, it's decency.

RayKay...thanks for your input. I feel exactly as you do about this and for me also...it comes down to a respect issue. I would expect to be consulted about a possible change of plans before the other party just goes ahead and accepts another offer. That was rude and disrespectful and I must admit I am very disappointed in my b/f for handling this the way he did. Sad to say...but if he doesn't bother to come back and at least admit he's wrong about it and apologize I don't think I would be able to get past this because I would be expecting this sort of non-caring behaviour from him in the future...and I would always be on guard about it and wonder when it was going to happen again. If he thinks this little of me...we are in more trouble than I originally feared.

DN I must admit I am feeling the same way as you do with the last line you wrote in your response. I had considered the "character" angle already, and truly the way in which he handles this whole thing does and will tell me a lot about his feelings for me and more importantly, his true underlying character. I think that could end up being the most important lesson learned out of this whole fiasco. Of course it's up to him now to apologize...if he truly is sorry and regrets the way he handled it. Whether he will or not remains to be seen. He has to know what he did was wrong in some way...perhaps not in his desire to tour New Orleans and get drunk but in the fact that he did not consider his prior committment and plans made with me before he agreed to go. Not that I would have stopped him from going...if he came to me and said he would really like to go along. But the principle of this whole thing is what is bothering me. The very idea that he thinks it's "okay" to do something like this and expect me (or any other woman he's sleeping with) to just accept it and let him basically walk all over her is what concerns me more.

Kskm thank you for your input. No I do not feel that you are being overly critical or harsh, I asked for honest opinions and I appreciate your candor. I will take it under consideration for sure.

My b/f LIVES WITH Jack...they see each other every single day, so it's not a matter at all of them not seeing each other. They see each other and go places and do things each day. That's part of why I just don't get it.

I need some help here. I feel like I am totally justified in feeling the way I do today about this...but I am sitting here with the realization that I may have lost my lover over last night's dispute and I want to see how others feel about the situation and if they would react the same way. I've been dating a guy for the past month or so and because things are relatvely "new" for us...I have made an effort to keep things going along slowly and gradually, even though it looks more and more like he will have to leave the area on Sept 1 this year to go to Iraq to be a defense contractor. We go out on dates every weekend pretty much and this past weekend we spent the night together for the first time, and even though we haven't talked about it much...it seems like a b/f and g/f type situation to me. I think we are both afraid to advance things because of the fact that he might be leaving in two months and be out of the US for a year. On Wednesday this week, we were chatting over AIM (which we do each and every day, he initiates the chats btw) and he asked me, "are we going to be getting together this weekend?" and I replied "sure I would love to... if you can". He said to that "yeah I am off work so I'll get back to you on it". Yesterday afternoon we firmed up our weekend plans and agreed we were going to a new release movie that just came out that we both have been dying to see. So the plans were set. He then told me he had to go offline because he was going to visit a friend of his along with his best friend and room-mate whom I will refer to as "Jack" for the sake of this story. My b/f spends a lot of time with Jack and has known him since high school, and they are pretty much best friends. They also share an apartment along with two other single guys. My b/f comes back online around 10:30 last night and announces to me, "I am going to have to cancel our plans for the weekend...I am going to New Orleans instead with Jack, he asked me to go and I said yes". I was floored. He said that Jack tossed the idea out there that he felt like just taking off on a weekend road trip to New Orleans...and he apparently asked my b/f to come with him, and without even asking me if it was okay to cancel our plans...he apparently just agreed right on the spot and then came online to blow me off like it was the most okay thing in the world to do. Like I should just "take it" and not be angry about it. Now...this is an important detail...my b/f has a very low-paying job in which he doesn't have any money left over once payday comes and goes, and so when we planned our date...he reminded me he was broke again and I told him it was okay for me to pay his way on this date, and he could do so another time when he has more money. Now his friend Jack is a "rich kid" in that he was raised in a family with old money and so he has the option of saying "charge it" and doesn't have to worry about money issues like my b/f does. So apparently, even though my b/f is broke...Jack is apparently going to pay the tab for their partying weekend in New Orleans. I was so pissed off, I told him this was NOT okay to do to someone...it was rude and NEVER "okay" to blow off someone just because better plans came up elsewhere. I then told him that I felt he was going out with me only when he had nothing better to do and I asked him if this was the case. Of course he said no, but acting like this...what else can I think? I was so agitated by this point and I knew that if I didn't sign off AIM I was going to say something I might regret later...so I just typed in "seeya", sent it...and signed off AIM suddenly. I felt I had to leave or else perhaps make a fool out of myself. Am I so wrong for being this pissed? I am sexually involved with this guy...we talk each and every day and share all sorts of details about our lives with one another....it's not just a casual fling type of thing. He has even said that. Now he's leaving for the weekend and I am home to ruminate with my thoughts. I have no idea whether or not he will speak to me again when he gets back from this weekend or if he'll just keep right on walking. Have I lost my lover? Was I wrong in being so angry about getting blown off in favor of his friend? Help!

This is a long-ish story. Please bear with me as I explain it. Also, I have to request that the moderators PLEASE not move this new thread to the "cyber-relationships" topic because although me and this guy MET online, our relationship was very much an IRL one and the problem I am left with now is not anything to do with a cyber-relationship but instead the lack of any relationship I have with an ex who said he would always stay in my life and be my "loving friend". To start at the beginning, me and this guy (who will be called RP during this story) met due to my stumbling accross him on a dating site on the web. To make a long story short, we began exchanging e-mails daily and chatting over AIM for hours each day, and we seemed to connect in a very strong way. He said he felt very attracted to me and the feeling was mutual. The more we chatted and learned about each other, the more our feelings grew and within a short time we were spending many hours together each day chatting and getting to know each other via e-mail. I went to meet him and spent a couple days with him and we hit it off really well in person. We knew we had early feelings of love for each other and to me, it seemed like a situation that appeared to be heading into something deeper at some point in the future. I did feel that the whole relationship was "rushed" but he pursued me with such fervor I couldn't sign on to AIM without him being there, ready to chat with me, and he would write me ultra-long e-mails a couple times per day that I had to reply to which also took a lot of my time. I know he was excited about having met someone, and so was I. It's not every day that you meet someone and can establish an emotional connection with in the sort of way that he and I did. But I do feel that things were rushed along and by proceeding as fast as we did, it only caused confused feelings. But that is in the past now and can't be undone...only a retrospective view from where I am now. Before too long, we began to have differences of opinion about certain things. Because of the speed at which things developed between us, our feelings advanced much faster than they should have, and as a result different expectations of the relationship began to develop. As much time and intimacy and closeness (and sexual involvement) as we put into it, I felt we should be thinking about some sort of exclusive dating situation, at least on a trial basis. I felt this was important because we live 135 miles apart and since he doesn't have a car, I was put in the position of having to drive to see him each time we wanted to be together. I was prepared to put a lot of effort into the relationship but he refused to enter any sort of exclusive arrangement with me. He said he wanted to be free to date others and would not "neglect" me in order to do so. This was not acceptable to me, it seemed unfair and unbalanced, with me having to give so much by way of time, driving, auto wear and tear, etc only to have him also sleeping with other people while I did all the work to see him. By the time these problems began, it was starting to become clear to me that we were at different points in the relationship. He was saying that he loved me yet it was clearly something different than the sort of love I was feeling and declaring for him. When he first declared his love for me, I took it to mean that he wanted some sort of ongoing relationship with me that would possibly lead to something more serious or at the very least semi-permanent. When I love someone, this is the sort of relationship I have in mind. Apparently his "I love you" meant something far less involved and totally non-exclusive. I was pretty surprised and floored by learning this. If I had known from the beginning that this was going to be a casual sexual relationship at best, I never would have allowed myself to fall for him in such a serious way. I could have just enjoyed a "relationship lite" with him and moved on when we both felt like things should end. But that is not the impression he gave me during the early phase of our relationship, he "advertised" himself as being emotionally available, not afraid of committment, and ready to forge something deep with another person. So we did battle with this issue for a few weeks, it caused arguments and quarrels, and the more we tried to figure it out the worse things seemed to get. He said I was "pushing" him and making demands, (and perhaps I was to be honest, in retrospect) but there was a lot on the line in keeping the relationship going. I would have to drive four hours each weekend to see him (which I didn't mind doing provided I knew he was committed to some sort of relationship with just he and I in it), I would have to give up each weekend to be with him (again something I didn't mind doing as long as I knew he was equally as committed as I was) and also pay $45 to fill my tank with gas each time I visited him. He offered to buy our dinners each day when I came up to see him and that seemed fair to me. So it wasn't totally my expense/inconvenience to be together. He told me he enjoyed our sexual relationship and the passion we felt together, and I also felt the same way. I just wish I had known early-on that he had no intentions of committing to me so I could have kept my feelings for him a bit more restrained. The quarrels and disputes escalated, and one day he announced to me during a chat that he had received a letter of interest from another woman on an internet dating site (just like the one we met on) and he seemed happy that someone else was showing an interest in him. He said he was interested in being friends with her and possibly more but he was afraid I wouldn't take this "news" very well. Of course I didn't, this was not what we needed right then when we were already having disputes over dating other people and exclusivity. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, and I was pretty hurt and upset that he actually was going to pursue something with another woman after all the love and passion he declared that he felt for me. We ended up "breaking up" for about five days. During that period, I did not hear anything from him at all. No chats on AIM, no e-mails, nothing. I was pretty torn up during those five days and spent a lot of time thinking things over and realized that our problem was that things were going along WAY too fast and we needed to slow down and back up if we were ever going to have something together. I felt like I was willing to do something like that with him, and at the same time open myself to dating others and forming other relationships (since he made it clear he would also be doing that). After five days of no contact, he came on AIM and instant messaged me and we talked for a few hours. He said he missed me and the passion we shared, and that he couldn't believe how much our love-making stayed on his mind and filled him with desire for me. I told him what I had been thinking about our relationship and that I felt it would be best for us to back off some and learn more about each other instead of rushing into something so fast like we did initially. At this point, his views about "us" had obviously changed quite a bit. He seemed much more willing to allow things to end from a romantic/dating standpoint and he started talking about us being "loving friends" and not worrying so much about the dating aspect of things. He agreed that we didn't really know each other very well because of the speed at which things developed between us and it seemed like we were on the same page finally about what we were going to do to fix/help our relationship as a couple. It seemed like he was agreeing with me to back off some, continue to see each other, have a non-exclusive sexual relationship that was dating but not serious dating, and we also agreed at that point that we probably wouldn't do well in a permanent sort of relationship but that something that lasted a year or two would be more realistic. That was okay with me. It seemed like we were pretty much agreeing. So at this point he asked me if I would consider coming up to see him that weekend and spend 2 1/2 days together to "solidify our friendship" as he put it and also to "talk about us". The idea of sharing another weekend with him seemed like a good idea to me at that point. I felt by then that we really needed that sort of time together to do something other than just have sex...we needed to do things together as a couple like hobbies, watching movies, just talking...he kept saying "we needed this time together" and I figured that meant that he felt we should have it in order to mend things between us and possibly move forward. Turns out I was wrong. I went and spent the weekend with him, as he requested and even though we were intimate sexually and he was still declaring his love for me openly...I could feel a distance there that he seemed to be putting between us deliberately. He hardly looked me in the eye at all and had a coldness to him that was not there the first weekend we spent together when we were on more stable ground. I wasn't sure what to make of this "distance" but I thought maybe it was just him being cautious and trying to pull back some on our emotional involvement. On Sunday afternoon of this weekend we spent together we eventually got down to having "the talk". The relationship talk. What he said to me at that time hit me like a brick wall but given the distance he put between us thus far, it wasn't a total surprise. At that point, he pretty much dumped me. He said he felt we did not have much compatibility and should just be "loving friends" and see if the future brought anything else. He said he still loved me and would always "be there" for me as a close friend. He also said he was not closing the door completely on the possibility of the future being more for us than "friends". This view of his was totally different than what he was saying to me just a week before that...I really didn't think he was going to drop the ball at this point in the game. I thought I was going to spend that weekend with him in order to strengthen the relationship we did have and re-evaluate where it might go in the future. He had other ideas. He wanted to dump me. So I did the wrong thing. I began to cry, I was needy, he held me...I cried more, and he just kept saying how sorry he was that things ended up this way, and how he wishes he had done some things differently etc. He also said he wished we had gone much slower in developing the relationship. He also emphasized how he would always love me and be a part of my life, etc etc. I stupidly believed that. When I mentioned coming back again to spend another weekend with him, he hedged and said, "well we don't have to make that decision now". I went home the next day and on the drive home it was clear to me that it was over. He wanted one last weekend with me in order to have sex and then dump me and move on. Turns out I was right about that. I went home that day and he has not been on AIM to talk to me even once since I left his place that day and we have exchanged two strained, cold e-mails since that time and now we are totally out of contact for about a week now. He quit signing his letters to me with "love", he has cut off all the closeness and all the contact. It has recently come to light that he had been "courting" this new woman who wrote to him and he had already been involved with her prior to our last weekend together. It turns out that during the five-day period when we broke up the first time, he was busy writing/texting/chatting her up and preparing his soft place to land when he broke up with me. I was heartbroken for those five days and he was spending his time away from me courting someone new. I suspect he had not gone far enough along with her yet to get HER to come and spend the weekend with him so he came on AIM to sweet-talk me into coming up and being with him sexually that weekend. He had already "cut the string" with us but felt he wanted that last romp in the hay with me before moving on to her. So now it's been a week and a half since he dumped me and I am in quite a bit of pain now. We had a lot of potential that could have been explored but this other woman came along at exactly the perfect time and he turned away from me and to her. He has totally distanced himself from me now...I feel like he is getting advice and counsel from his new lover...and she is most likely telling him to stay away from me. We are NOT "loving friends", we are not anything. He dumped me and left to be with her. I am positive that they were together for this entire last weekend, only one week after he and I spent nearly three days as lovers. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have dumped me and then disappeared so utterly and completely like this unless he was being advised to "cut me off" and I am sure his new g/f is behind this. He is the type of guy who would have written me to make sure I am doing okay, or at least logged into AIM to check and see how I am taking the break-up. But now, there's nothing. I wanted a second chance with this man, I felt we had a lot going for us. But we went way too fast and jumped into love prematurely. I thought he was agreeing to back up and learn more about each other before moving forward...but now I feel only used for one last weekend of good sex before he moved on to his new lover. The way he talked PRIOR to our weekend together made me think we were on the same page, but afterwards it only seems like he was using me and then dumped me in order to pursue something with this new woman. So now I'm heartbroken and lonely. He now seems "under the spell" of this new lover and any chance of us being friends is out the door. He has cut off e-mail contact with me and he might as well have just fallen off the edge of the planet for all I know of him now. This is a big switch from the ultra-closeness we used to share. How sad. Any hope for me? Please don't give the "move on" advice...I already know all about that. Ditto with the "he's not good enough for you" blah blah, I appreciate that but it's cliche and doesn't actually help me deal with the real situation at hand here. Please advise!

This is so interesting to me because I am also in the same situation where my guy broke off with me on Monday and now says we are "friends" yet here I sit with all these serious feelings and emotions that we shared prior to splitting up and he seems so "okay" with just cutting them off INSTANTLY. I still want to share those emotions, he has all but disappeared from my life and taken his emotions with him quite easily and handily. In asking how people can do this...I don't have a solid answer for you on that, but I think it might have something to do with a difference in the DEPTH of love felt for the other party. We have no idea what another person means EXACTLY when they say they love you. It could be any level of love from friendship up to "marry me" love. I think that those who are having an easier time "letting go" of the intimacy so quickly and abruptly might not have had that deep of an attachment in the first place. Because plain and simple...DEEP FEELINGS don't disappear overnight. If you really love someone, those emotions have got to have SOMEWHERE to go...and I think your ex is handling things better than you because her level of attachment may have been not quite as deep as yours was. I hope this helps a little bit, and is by no means the gospel truth. Just my opinion on this sort of thing.

This sounds almost identical to a situation I am in right now. I scared off my guy with my own emotional "flakiness" and apparent inability to make a decision and stick to it. It was also a long-distance thing, and finally he recently decided that we would be friends, and to him that means little or no contact so that's where we are now. My advice to you would be to give this guy some time. The only way to know if he honestly loves you still and would want you back in his life would be to give him plenty of space and time to miss you. The more you pursue him, the more trapped he will feel. I know it's VERY hard to have no contact, it's maddening honestly. But if there are deep feelings between he and you, he will have to return at some point to at the very least to be friends. Good luck to you.