BrwnAyz

thanks for your advice keefy1972: you're right he's not really the "new guy" but he and i never dated, we just talked, and he was younger and immature, but now he's been put in managemnet position and stopped doing a lot of the partying and messing around he used to, and told me that he's more comfortable with things between us now than he was back then chai714 & DN: you're both right about dating too quickly or picking one or the other... I do have feelings for my ex but it seems as though they are slowly going away as the amount of days I don't see him pass by. it gets easier not to call him. I don't want to hurt myself or the "new guy" but my ex told me not to wait around for him to be ok again, and I know this doesn't mean "go date someone new right now" but I just don't know how much else I could put into our relationship or what I could do for him, cuz I've tried to be there as a friend but he's busy with his place. i feel forgotten. I also understand that part of that is that we dated and right now we might not be able to handle a platonic friendship, but we started as friends and I felt we were best friends throughout it all. its just hard to lose the person u could talk to bout anything and everything. I don't think "hanging out" with someone is techinically dating, and I'm not going into this "new guy" thing expecting a relationship, just going to hang out to see whats new and if there is something there, then its like my friends would say my "ex missed the boat" it was his decision to take a break/break up. But I in no way am out looking for a rebound in order to get over my ex. thanks again.... and anyone else with advice is welcome to help too

My guy and I broke up back in Feb. and he didn't call me for a week, finally we had contact and we went out to talk. We discussed things and he told me that the ball was in my court and if I wanted to get back together we could. Well as much as I wanted to, I said NO, because he had personal things to deal with and I thought he'd see how mature I was being with all this. So he said we'd start up slow and go out and talk on the phone, and see if we could get back. Well the first couple weeks were good and it looked real good for us. Then he went on a retreat and came back very intent to finish this remodeling that he's been wanting to do since he moved into his place. He told me that this was priority because he couldn't live like that anymore. I accepted and said that when he needed time to chill he could call me up. Well its been a little over a month, and although we talk on the phone/email, we haven't seen eachother. Our mutual friends say that it's ok that he's just really busy with work and the place, and I shouldn't be worried about another girl or that he's not interested. But it bothers me. He told me that I shouldn't wait because he doesn't want me to miss an opprotunity and although he wants to be with me, now isn't the right time because he couldn't dedicate the time & emotion I deserved, and I told him that I wanted to be there as a friend, no intention of bf/gf if he wasn't ready. It made me feel good when he said that mentally he was still in a relationship with me, and that he wasn't looking for anyone else. he wants the best for me I know that, and I know I can't wait. I won't sit around and wait. I feel like the past month I've put so much into this and got nothing in return, I'd be the one who called and opted to meet but he's always busy at work or comin home late and working on his place. I know its the truth when I hear it from my friends, because they hardly see him either, unless they're helping the remodeling. The other day I thought I'd give up, I didn't call him or email him, nothing, but then I wrote a little prayer asking for a sign if we'd get back and we'd be ok, so I lit a candle and sat down to think and my phone rang, it was him calling. I can't even remember the last time he called out of the blue, and twice for that matter, he called right back cuz we got disconnected. So that was my sign, but I don' know what it means. To make things more complicated, I began talking to someone from my past, the guy I was talking to right before my ex. He told me that if during those 3 weeks I was talking to my ex, if he (the guy) was more mature and ready, things would've been different. And as I recall, I got with my ex because things with this guy didn't go anywhere (but my ex was in no way "default/back-up"). So now this guy and I have had a serious conversation and discussed the past and how things are different now, and he's sincerely changed, but I can't really do anything about it until we actually go out and see how it is between us. I just don't know, I still care deeply about my ex, and the friends who are close to both of us don't think I should give up (i haven't told them about the new guy). They say that he's worried if he sees me he'll want to get back together and he's still not at the point of accomplishment with his place. It hurt more before since I didn't see him, but as days pass it gets easier, especially since I have this other guy to distract me. I just don't know what to do, is it possible to hold on to hope for me and my ex while still seeing this new guy? or will I hurt him by that? Its so difficult and I need advice if you have any.

It seems to me like you guys could be using each other for the same reasons. If it ends in sex then I'd be worried about it. You can't have a casual friend you have sex with whenever, especially if he's your ex. It makes things complicated. You should talk to him, see what he says about it. Does he want to be back in a relationship? Do you want to be in a relationship with him? Can you handle the casual sex with him without having a more substantial connection between you. I can't say I speak from experience but I know from friends who've been this way, it doesn't work out, they may try to get back together but the old problems are still there. The sex may be great but why would you put yourself at risk for potential STDs or a pregnancy when you don't know where your hearts are. hope things work out for you

I see it this way: you did the right thing. you let him see that you're not going to sit around and wait for him to decide. you have to realize that the person doing the breaking up is doing it for a reason. that person usually ALWAYS says "let be friends" or "lets wait and see after X number of weeks" don't dwell on it, don't go back and apologize for sending him the message, he was going to do whatever he wanted regardless of whether or not you sent the message. if he goes and dates someone else, just remember that you will be better from it, you don't want him to go and tell people how needy you are and any other things. let it go, things will happen how they are supposed to happen. Whats the point of beating a dead horse. its hard to do that, but you will learn so much more. you don't want to be in a relationship that is going no where, that has no love, that is being dragged out just because you want to have someone, the "figure" or a boyfriend/girlfriend. relationships come and go, and consider this a stepping stone, a way to look back, contemplate what went wrong and work on it, so the next relationship, whether it be with this same guy or a different guy, will work out differently. sometimes people don't realize what they have until they lose it. this might be his case, but you can't go chasing after him, in order to find out the truth you need to give him that space. Go do something for yourself, shopping, working out, talking with friends, anything that will get your mind off it. This too shall pass, and you will be a better person from it. I hope things work out the way they're supposed to.

When I started dating my ex-bf I had many guy friends. When he and I decided to get serious and exclusive we sat down and discussed things. He told me that he didn't believe in second chances when it comes to cheating, its unacceptable. He told me how he felt about the guy friends I had and the guys that called me. He told me that although it was possible in some situations, most times guys and girls can't be just friends, because there is always some kind of feeling there. The feelings usually brought out when the people are drinking or partying. I was offended at first but then I put myself in his shoes. I realized what he was saying. I thought about the guy friends that I had and yes in fact I could see things happening between us in those types of situations. So because I loved my bf I cut out the problematic guys, I kept my best friend because he's like my little brother. Things went so smoothly in our relationship compared to others I had been in. You need to talk with your gf and tell her how you feel. I know that when my bf told me things would be over if anything happened, it made me think a lot differently, because I loved him so much. If your girl truly loves you and wants to be with u and only u, then she'll have no problem. If the opposite is true, then consider yourself saved from future heartache. good luck in whatever u decide to do, i hope it works out for u

Theres no easy way to do it but you do have to break it off with this girl. The longer you wait the harder it will be on the both of you. Theres no need to drag out the relationship. You obviously have different ideas and she's not letting you express yourself the way you want to, since its her way or the highway. If you felt that u tried and couldn't do it then what can you do? Go to France if thats what you wanna do, experience something different. You'll both be happier in the end. It might turn out easier now than lets say if she found someone new and just said 'sorry we're through' or vice versa, you could do the same.... just food for thought good luck in whatever u decide

First off, you can't put a time limit on a break and then say you will keep in contact. A break is just that, breaking from the person, and no designated amount of time will assure you of an answer in the end. A break is usually a cry for help for the person, because they need to figure things out about themselves. I remember going through this in a past relationship, the guy and I dated 3 years, he told me in the end that we should break up for 2 months and then see how things go and we'll see about getting back together. Well (& I'm not saying this is true for you) he was seen with a new girl right after our break up, he probably had been dating before he and i even broke up. I technically waited, I called him and he called back, he'd tell me how he was jealous that I was talking to other guys, but yet it was ok for him to do it. He said how he still loved me and didn't have feelings for that other girl, blah blah blah. My advice to you is to move on. Let him go, and if things work out after 2 months then they do, but if they don't, then you didn't sit there and waste 2 months of your life, when you yourself could've met someone else. Thats not to say that he won't come back to you, but you may have met someone and then realize that this current guy isn't worth u wasting anymore time. You shouldn't be told to wait a certain # of months to see how things go. Thats one of the first flags that should tell u, its over. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, just remember to keep yourself first, don't worry about him.

thanks for the insight. i know that i might not ever understand y he did it, but the simple fact that it wasn't done in person irritates me. i feel like i need it for proper closure. i'm still waiting to find out whats going on

oh for God's sake don't break up with her over the phone, unless she keeps dodging your calls and meetings. But give it at least a couple tries to meet up... I'm just speaking from her point of view, i don't know what your girl is like, but my ex-bf broke it off with me last monday over the phone while he was at work... i was not happy... i personally believe that if u can date the person for that long, u can at least give them the respect by doing it in person, it brings closure to it all... and obviously u want it to end and have closure with it in the end you'll do what u want, so good luck with it

This is my first time here and I'm in dire need of unbiased advise. My, now ex-boyfriend, and I, had been dating for 8 months. Everything was fine in our relationship, it seemed perfect. The last month became a little hectic, he works in the family company, where they've been tight on money and so he's been working a lot. On top of that, he's remodeling his apartment. thereforeeee I was lead to believe that if I gave him his space he'd be able to get that done, since I thought he was getting stressed by family and work, I didnt' want to add to it. Well he's been saying that my self-esteem is low, and we got into a big argument about that earlier in the year, and breaking up was an option brought up, but we said we'd try to work it out. (The self-esteem issue came to play because last year I lost 50lbs and since then I've opened up and changed, but like any girl out there, I know there are some parts of me that need work) He didn't know me when I was heavier, and I told him that I am happy now, I didn't want to be that annoying person who thinks they're the greatest. I'm confident in myself. Well after that it seemed like I was working on it and he wasn't. He was so suddenly too tired for anything, he was hanging out with a friend of his more often, who's getting a divorce. When I stayed over at his place we slept side by side but no holding or any intimacy occurred (he'd say his back hurt or he couldn't sleep on his side). Then I noticed he wouldn't say "I love you" first, and sometimes he wouldn't even say it back to me. his reasoning at work was because he didn't want things to be akward there. But I recall he'd say it plenty of time in the previous 7 months while at work. So last week we talked about going out and I invited him to some dinner activities I needed to attend and he agreed. The next morning he calls and says his "heart isn't in it". HE CALLED!!! WHILE HE WAS AT WORK!!! how cowardly and stupid (to make things worse, he kept getting interrupted so he had to keep calling me back) I called a mutual friend and she and I spoke and she told me he said "how can I find her attractive/sexy when she doesn't find herself those things" I think there is something deeper than my self-esteem going on here, I think he has his own personal problems and is placing it on me. But I wouldn't know the answer because he hasn't called me back, he never gave me an explanation as to why we broke up, all he said was that crap about his heart. Is it possible that he didn't want me to see him hurt? could he just be so boggled down with work and the stress his family (father and stepmother/brothers) put on him? is he waiting until after valentine's day to call me? is there anything i can do to make things better, I need to know what went wrong with us. i keep wondering if theres a possibility that he realizes he made a mistake and wants to go back, but i dont' want to hurt again, yet i dont' want to be alone. if you read this far.... THANK YOU... i really just needed to get that out there and move on... although i would love to have him in my life again as a boyfriend i wonder WHAT THE HELL HIS REASONING WAS TO JUST END IT LIKE THAT???