Palmbaby

Sorry for the silence -computer went a bit strange! Well I'm so pleased that I'm seeing a therapist every week. We don't dwell too much on the past but I've realised how much the past impacts on our adult behaviour. In my case I came from a chaotic home, parents had a bitter divorce,custody battles,emotionally retarded father,jealous stepmother,you name it! On the outside I did well, went to university, got a good job, have own house, on the inside I've been stuck as a lonely confused 8 year old little girl who can't trust anyone and I tend towards self destructive behaviours which I now realise come from feeling worthless. It's not at all nice learning all this, but it does make sense, and once you know something you can start to try to change it. At least that's the theory and I think it's working. Good luck both of you.

The thing that came accross to me is how bad you feel about yourself, everything is wrong and you're almost blaming yourself - don't! I've been there, similar behaviour, frightened of love,unhappy in job,house,you name it. In the end I cracked up, I'd really fallen in love for the first time (I'm in my 40's!) it went wrong,and all the feelings of lack of self worth came tumbling down. Well it was the best thing to happen in a way, I'v been forced to go into therapy and take a long painful look at myself and my life, and 10 months later I'm getting there. It's not nice, it's very raw.but I really wish I'd done it 20 years ago. If you feel bad, stuck, doing things you don't really want to, not liking people too much then I'd guess you might benefit from talking to someone, honestly it's changed my life!

Umm, I can't help feeling that it was not a complete accident. It wasn't spitting or anything obvious like that, but almost like he opened his mouth and allowed it to happen. Like I said, weird, and coupled with the change in mood/style, made me think there was something else going on.

OK this is quite difficult to ask so bear with me,I was with someone for 18 months, it was long distance so quite tricky.We were good together but when it got too close we both panicked & it ended. We couldn't deal with the implications of it all. Anyway my question is about the sex, it was great until it all got too close then he once did this thing where he dropped saliva onto me, never did it before,& then the sex got less intimate.Anyway I went back some months later to end it all & the same thing happened after days of intimate soppy stuff. In the end he only wanted blow jobs not full sex, like he had to distance me some way. I'm not exactly inexperienced but this is new. Has anyone else had this, I think it's weird! What on earth was going on in his head?

I know that NC is what is considered best for you, I of course have not managed to do this so for the past 4 months the ex and I have kept in touch. I too felt that electricity when we met, so did he. I didn't want someone who did that to me to go. Well even I finally realised this is no good for me, if we're not going to work on the problems then what's the benefit in keeping in touch and mehanging around waiting for the call/text. So I'm doing NC, it's day 6, I hate it! But I'm convinced it's for the best.

Wow, I really understand how hard it must be when you've been led on like that, to look at houses together in my mind is a BIG thing. My ex was so scared of commitment that the mention of houses - houses for me not for 'us'- made him go pale! If you ex doesn't want to be with his new g/f then he should end it, but the reality is that some men like the attention, yours plus the g/f's. I've been in a similar situation (see my post 'Is he mad or just a b****' on the relationships board). I don't know if they realise the impact of their words, if they do then they're a lot more heartless than we thought, and you'd think you knew them after all this time. RayKay is right, you have to walk away, if he really wants to be with you he has to do something material to prove it. Not just mess with you. Good luck

Thanks for your replies, since I wrote this I've scraped myself off the ceiling, deleted all his soppy text messages, and sat crying in frustration. I know he's messing with my heart, I know I've been trying to do the same to him, not by making him jealous, that's his tactic, but by telling him I miss him (I do) but I won't come and see him unless he gives up this other woman business. Well I did respond, I said well nothing has changed so I must forget you, we were happy, is this what you really want? Now I'm beginning to think this was his attempt to get me to come over before April. I'm tempted to say to him, look if I come over again will you cancel whoever it is in April? If he says no then I have confirmation that he means what he says and I can let go. Or should I leave it as it is, it's not like I haven't made my case clear. Oh God this is so horrible, I feel like I've cut off a limb.

I've posted here before 'under 2 commitment phobics one big mess' but now something new has happened and I'm completely confused by it. After splitting up in October and keeping in touch by text mostly, I sent a jolly text last night telling the ex I'd crashed the car, well I got an instant reponse 'couldn't have been your fault you're too good a driver' then he said he was all alone so he'd gone out for a beer and some company, his half star hotel had no clients (a private joke about his flat) but he had a booking for 4 April!!!!!!! WHAT???? I know he's got other 'friends' and one of them has visited since we split, He's asked me when I'll go over there again but I've told him I won't if he wants to be free to be with other women. That's why I ended it in October. What I can't understand is why he's telling me this. Is it to punish me for refusing to go and see him on his terms, to make me jealous, to show me he can manage without me. I don't know and it's driving me mad. I want to ring him and scream at him but I won't, I want to write an angry letter but I don't know if it'll do any good.I want us to sort things out but we're both too frightened to move forward and we've been stuck in this limbo Help

He's made you unhappy and suicidal, he's controlling,there are some very powerful emotions going on here and I'd suspect this is part of the problem you have in walking away. All that sort of stuff is addictive and chaotic and 'normal' relationships seem pallid by comparison. I suspect this because I've been in a similar position, I'm now in therapy and have read every self help book on the planet! Doing what you know you should do is going to be difficult but you must. He's not likely to change if he's in his 40's, he may have some serious baggage. I'm in my 40's, so is my sort of ex, we're both stubborn as mules and frightened of commitment, sound familiar? You're too young to hang around hoping against hope that he will change and he's not making you happy. Good luck.

Oh bugger,I just read through this again & on paper I can't see why I'm so fixated, if we can't talk then there's not much hope. But the reality is that I love him, flaws and all. Why is it so difficult, why do I persist? If someone nice came into my life I'd run a mile. Never experienced anything but chaos I guess. When do you give up - if you believe there's something there.I don't know, wish I could.

I can't quite work out how to do this! Anyway thanks, I know his behaviour was self centred and controlling & I'm the same, I want to call the shots too. Anyway now I have & it's not what I want & I don't think it's how he wants it either but we're both too scared to talk it through. Where he lives you can't get divorced but I dont want marriage so that's not a problem. He was a good Catholic till his wife left, never been in a bar. Now it's like he's rejected his whole background and there's guilt wtih that too. I think the male culture thing is also an issue, women aren't an everyday thing unless you happen to be married to one. I don't want to let go becuase we really had a connnection, & that doesn't happen often. We just are too emotionally inarticulate to sort it out. Anyway I know I should drop it but....

Wow, quick response, not what I want to hear but... I guess I see it as someone who's so terrified of loss that I can't show emotions, can't get involved, keep people at arms length, can't say what I feel. So I sort of understand his behaviour -it's fear and insecurity driven, I do much the same sort of thing - apart from the flings. Still doesn't excuse him treating me like that & me putting up with it & I'm having counselling to deal with my self esteem issues. Wish he would too but he's the strong silent type so no chance there. It just seems such a waste, I know I'm biased but, honestly, he's kind, quite gentle and shy, and very, very, bitter about his wife and kids. He never saw it coming, she went off with someone else, he's never worked through it. We were good together in our own mutually scared way - honest.

OK I'll try to keep this short but I need help so here goes. Nearly 2 years ago after a lifetime of avoiding commitment I met a man in the country my Dad lives in. At first I think 'oh goody another holiday romance' but after 3 days it's 'oh God, my soulmate' We're the same age, same personalities,same everything including same commitment issues. Mine from childhood abandonment, his from his wife of 20 years leaving him, he lost everything,kids, house etc. He says he can't have a serious relationship ever again, I say OK. Of course this all changes, I go there, he comes here, it's getting serious, then, 4 months in he tells me he's had a 3 day fling with a tourist. I'm devastated, he's bemused,after all he never promised exclusivity, so I end it. Well he gets back in touch, a few weeks later I go over, by now he's had another fling but I don't care,they're nothing. We see each other every few weeks & it's all lovely and we're very,very happy. We joke about his 'other women' but I don't think he's done anything, he says he's changed since he met me, the flings still contact him and he usually replies, which is fine as long as that's all it is, and by the end of the first year in May we both know it's gone up to a different level, though we're both too scared to talk about it. He wants to come over to see me in July. Then in June I have to go over unexpectedly (sick stepmother) & it's not the same, it's his busiest time,he's working non stop,I'm running around after my parents,he gives me 'housekeeping money'(!) I feel like I've turned into his wife, he's pushing me away,I get clingy and scared. When I get back I lose it, ring him & tell him it can't continue like this. He tells me I love him & want more than he can give after what happened to his marriage. So it sort of ends in a mad phone call. But we keep in contact & in October I go over to see family, we meet & it's like long lost love & we're happy again. But since we split he's had yet another fling, & the day I leave I tell him I love him but I won't be one of 2 or 3 or whatever so that's it. Next day he rings me, 3 weeks later I write saying I'm very sad but it has to be like this, we carry on exchanging friendly texts,then I get a 'what are you doing for Xmas' one, with kisses! I send one saying I wanted to come over but no plane seats left, lucky as I can't see you if you want other women too. Xmas day he rings me just after midnight 'just to say Happy Xmas'. Now I've heard nothing since New Year's Day. I've sent him 2 texts, I said I miss him. I don't know what's going on here. I've never really let myself love before,he told me I'm the most serious he's been since his wife, I met his mother, his kids, all his brothers & sisters (this in a seriously Catholic country), all his friends say we should be together. I know he's scared, I'm terrified too, he knows I don't want to marry him or even live with him yet, I just want respect and monogamy! I know I should forget him, but it seems so stupid, we really were good together.