camilla67

i just get the sense that he's nursing a heartache through little signs here and there...he seems to have a bit of baggage about the female gender that comes out in our conversations here and there... and i am not going to pour my heart out to him. #1 - I'm interested in getting to know him better. There's isn't anything that's so overwhelming that needs to be poured out to him. #2 - everyone's right about IM/Texting not being an appropriate form of communication. at his age, he should know how to ask a girl out properly..he did it when we first met, he can follow up on that. #3 - like i've said, since my last breakup, i've been vulnerable and after a couple mishaps, i'm realizing that dating in your late 20s is so different from college, when things were simple. Back then, two people liked each other and you were bf/gf. Now there's so much baggage to deal with...and people are jaded and become callous with other people's emotions...so i have to learn to protect myself and not be so vulnerable and trusting so easily... *sigh* Too bad i'm still an idealist and hopeless romantic...

Lily04 -- So I've looked back on my past relationships and realize that I've been friends with all of them before becoming a couple. And since my last bad breakup (2 years ago), I've also noticed a new pattern of wanting that intimacy and commitment right away and they have all ended disastrously. Since I actually sorta like this guy for who he is (and not for what he can be for me), I think I'm okay with continuing with this friendship for now. I also think he is nursing a heartache so I don't want to date anyone on the rebound...and think this may also be a factor in why he's being flaky. Either that or he really just wants to be friends...and since he makes me laugh, that's cool...

the 67 is just a moniker..I'm 29. Thanks for all the responses...I think I get the picture now...

honestly, the more i think about this, the more i think that he's interested but he's not interested enough to step up and make a move in the right direction. he's a grown man! almost 30 -- he should know by this age how to approach and date a girl...and by not expressing his interest, he's just expressing what he truly feels.

ok, so i woke up xmas morning and got a text from him...something cute. i texted back something flirty and haven't heard back! what's wrong with this guy???

so odd that all my friends think that he should have called...and everyone online thinks that he's interested but shy...i'm confused. anyway to minimize the risk of looking too interested? he's been MIA from IM..haven't communicated in over a week now! Happy Holidays everyone!

well, actually, i had replied to his text with a simple, "ok." that was me telling him to make the next move...and he didn't. that was a week ago too. so can't text him now. and haven't seen him on IM. figured i'd just go about the IM chatting like normal...see where it goes from there....

well, i gave him hints about me being in town...i just figured he should make the move and the ball's in his court...especially since I sent him the text to initiate...IMs are only slightly flirtatious...but maybe b/c I'm not a very flirty person...haha...

Ok - so I met this friend of a friend of a friend about 2 months ago in a town 2 hours away from where I currently live (but I'm moving to that town in about 6 months permanently). He asks for my number and calls me two days later but I have to go home. So we talk briefly and he says we should hang out next time I'm in town. Next day, he asks for my email and we start emailing back and forth for a week. Then it progresses to IM, but the conversations on IM were never that long or meaningful. Finally, after a month, we end up having dinner, which lasted for three hours (I'm thinking he could have ended it sooner if he wanted to -- not order dessert, remind me that i need to get going to my concert). Anyways, after I get home, we start IMing alot more, and it becomes more fun and casual... So I went back to visit some friends in his town last week...He even asked when I was coming back and I told him but he didn't ask me out. I thought he was sorta shy at dinner...so I texted him to have a quick drink after he gets off work. He texts back that he didnt get it until he was already home and that we should meet up sometime when I am free. I never texted or called him back b/c I expected him to do so if he was really interested. So is he giving me the friends vibe? Just wants to be IM buddies? Weird!

Ok -- so after 2.5 years, I'm finally over the ex! However, haven't really been dating much...started grad school and been pretty busy and stuff...However, I spent the summer in a city 2 hours away doing my internship and the last week before I left town, I started dating this guy. I actually knew of him for years b/c he's my friend's cousin but never really KNEW him. Anyways, we saw each other almost everyday and he even helped me move back to the town I am currently attending school. He offered to drive me and then drove back the same day! So I asked him if he wanted to continue seeing me after I move back and he said yes. He called me everyday while I was away for 2 weeks, visiting family. He'd ask me about my values, if I wanted kids, etc. I'm 28 so he knows that marriage is on my mind. Initially, I wasn't sure if we were compatible but then his efforts really touched me and I decided that it was worth a shot. We even planned our schedules to see when I could come visit next. He is a resident at a hospital so is really busy with work and studying so it seemed like we would see each other once a month. Anyways, we decided on a date. But then I decided last minute to visit the weekend before as well (meaning 2 weekends in the row) and he called and told me that he would need to study alot that weekend so if i came, he wouldnt be able to spend all his time with me. But as it turned out, it ended up being difficult to study...A few days later, the text messages stopped...he used to text every morning and every night, no matter what and now they've stopped. Then we talk and he basically asks me where I see the relationship going. I thought we were exclusively dating but not yet bf/gf but he just dropped the ball on me and told me he wasn't ready for commitment b/c he's just starting residency, his parents moved away recently, and he just got out of a relationship less than a year ago. He said he wanted to continue talking but i told him i didnt see a point in having LD casual relationship. So I did NC for 1 week and he was begging to talk to me...SO i figured, "Let's see what he has to say..." So he basically said that he didn't mean that he didn't want to see me ever, but just to take things slowly b/c everything happened so fast. I told him that I could only be ok with that if we could, after each time we see each other, determine when the next time would be. So that's how the call ended. He texted me 3 mornings in a row - trying to set up a date so that he could drive down to see me! Alright, so I definitely feel that the dynamics of our relationship has changed since the talk -- I'm more guarded now. I'm so hurt by this b/c I never expected him to do this -- he's such a nice guy! And everyone knows that he's a commitment type of guy and a good boyfriend to his exes. Anyways, so 3 days ago, he texted me and I didnt reply. I felt bad so I texted him 2 days later. We have IMed a bit since...But I haven't spoken to him in 6 days. It's very strange to me. And I'm not really sure what "taking it slow" means. A part of me just thinks that he's unsure if he wants to be with me and if that's the case, it's unacceptable. But then again, don't relationships take time to develop? And we sort of speeded things along b/c of the distance... So the set date for him to come see me is in two weeks but I'm not really sure if that will happen...It just seems so different now...And I'm not sure I can handle this b/c it feels like a break-up...not slowing down...But I tend to overanalyze things and wonder if I'm thinking too much and if I should just be a little bit more patient (at least until I see him again -- if he comes!) and just see from there... Oh! One more issue: he always wanted to marry/date someone of his ethnicity and his religion and I am neither of these. So i asked him if it was an issue but he told me that he wouldnt have pursued this if he didnt think he could get over it...but i'm not sure about that... So what gives? Is he really freaking out b/c of the stress in his life plus the time/energy commitment of a long-distance relationship? Or are there other fundamental issues? What exactly is taking it slow? And how does he act like he wants a long-term thing (talking about values, marriage, kids) and then just change his tune all of a sudden? And how should I deal with this? I didnt realize how complicated this entire thing was until I wrote this entire post...SORRY IT'S SO LONG!!! Thanks for any advice anyone can give with this...(at least i'm over that ex right??)

Go for the new girl. You never know where it will take you. Don't think too much about the future and just enjoy the time for now. If you and your ex are meant to be together, you will eventually.

Question: If you still had feelings for your ex-gf, what would have more of an effect: her telling you that she still loved you and wanted to work things through or doing no-contact?

So her telling you her feelings actually had an effect on you? Did NC have an effect on you?

No, the move is definite but its only 2 hours away...I just don't want to close the door on this...

Just wondering if anyone has gotten back together with the ex after over a year? I'm scared to do NC b/c I am moving away and may never have the chance with my ex again.

I agree. Sometimes, the person has to leave in order for one to grow...That is what happened with me. My ex-bf and I argued so much...It was a crazy rollercoaster b/c I was not independent. And it's been 10 months since our official breakup but really 2 months since he has decided to truly move on (meaning NC, dating other ppl) and I'm so lost and heartbroken. But I know that I've improved so much from being on my own for the past year...But I am not sure he will ever come back. I just wish I was able to see things more clearly while he was still around but I'm afraid he's lost for good now...

No...I never strung my exes along but I did date someone else (him) soon after breaking up with an ex, which hurt my him alot...But never strung anyone along like that....I just don't understand how someone can say that they care for me so much hurt me like this...What angers me is that he claims that he came to this clarity on his own but in fact, it took meeting another girl for him to think that we have no future...It angers me to think about how careless he handled me... As a background, we fell intensely in love with each other...then did long-distance...and i moved to be with him...and became dependent/clingy...had difficult time adjusting to different country...he was unsupportive...and it just fell apart...moved back to the U.S..he was super sweet a few months before breakup...then had stupid argument...i was unyielding...then he realized that he has been a bad bf to me...then decided that he couldnt change at this point in his life...so i dunno...it seems that he realized that he was treating me poorly, and that is why he was being sweet right before breakup...i guess it was too much effort to be kind to me...and i guess i had too much resentment built up...when we broke up, he reflected on the times that we tried to make fresh starts in our relationship...and he said, "how could we start over if we never ended things?" *sigh*

That was 10 days ago and I have calmed down. I've cried. I've been angry. And now I feel defeated. I could never get him to feel the way I wanted him to when we were together, I dont know why I think I can now. Anyways, after some thought, I wrote him an email. I wrote that I am trying to not be angry at him and that I have also been in his shoes and everyone deserves to find happiness. When I met him, I didnt care about my ex and so I cannot be angry at him for that. As for stringing me along? I guess I strung myself along...But having said that, I told him that friendship is not possible right now and that I needed time to open myself up to letting other people in my life. Then I told him about how I've reflected on us and I know what my faults were also, and that they are things that I hope will help in my next relationship. Was this a bad idea? I didnt expect a reply and I didnt get one...Does he even care? I wonder what he thinks when he reads it...ARGH! I am trying so hard not to be angry but reading these replies saddens me...Was I completely blind to everything...My friend says that he did love me but he's probably not ready to love me right now...I just wish it would all end...Why does he get to move on first????

I have been reading these posts for the past few days and I'm afraid I'm 10 months too late to start doing anything that can salvage my relationship. 10 months ago, my bf of 3 years and I broke up b/c he said he could not give more of himself to the relationship. He realized that he has treated me poorly but says that with his new business and other stress and changes in his life and schedule, he cannot be a good bf to me. We continued to hang out for the next 8 months (i.e. hooking up, etc) but every time I mentioned our relationship, he was adamant that we could not be together right now. I asked him if he could say that we were never going to get back together but he said that he didn't know and could not say anything definite about the future. He went on business trip for a month and when he came back, was distant and never contacted me. Finally, I IMed him to give him some good news about me and we had a pleasant conversation. Suddenly, 2 weeks ago, he is completely distant and did not return my text message or phone call. I suspect that he is seeing someone by now and I ask to see him to pick up some things of mine. When he arrives, I ask him why the sudden distance and he says that it was just time. That being away for a month gave him the momentum to not contact me and he continued with it. I ask him why the sudden clarity and if he can say for sure now that we will never be together and he replies, "Yes, I don't think we will get back together." I am livid and ask if he is dating. He says, "Yes." So I am angry at him and ask him why he lied to me about not being able to date at this point in his life and why he strung me along for 10 months. And I cried. He says that it is hard to see me b/c he forgets all the bad times and only thinks about the good times but that he cannot be a good bf to me for whatever reason and so he cannot be with me. So now that he has a new gf or at least someone that he is dating regularly, is it over? I imagine if he waited 10 months to start dating again, it must not be a rebound. My friends have all said the same thing as these posts – that I need to move on and focus on myself and that is the only way that he will ever regret his decision. Or that he was a bad bf and that I should not concern myself with him. But I still love him and him dating again has been devastating but it was something that has helped me to let go a bit…We ended it by me saying that we could not be friends b/c he is a bad friend to me (he never contacted me to find out about what was going on in my life…and he forgot my birthday!!!)….And he apologized and said that after some distance, he wants to be a better friend to me, but I was too angry at him. So I am guessing that he will never contact me again…And I'm too hurt right now and angry that I have decided to cut him out as well….Is there hope? Oh yeah, I'm also moving in 2 months to travel for 4 months and then start a new job in a city 2 hours away….Seems hopeless now…