bluecastle

Tough situation. Have you ever broached these feelings with her? It seems that the pandemic-era foundation of the relationship needs some post-pandemic restructuring, and that the recent conversation about priorities might be a good start. Something like: "Hey, I've found myself a bit stung the other day with what you said about work, school, and family being your priorities. I support all those thing fully, but it made me realize that I've been feeling like I don't always know where our relationship fits into things these days." From there, hopefully, you guys can talk a bit more and you can share some shifts that you hope are doable. Per that, if you could wave a magic wand how would you like things to change? Big picture, I think it's inherent that relationships have periods where one person takes up more space than the other, though it's important that the pendulum swings back and forth, not too violently, and generally stays in the middle. From the outside it seems you're needing some kind of foothold to have faith that you're both wanting things to go in a somewhat similar direction. Also curious: Is living together something that's a priority for you? As in, in a perfect world, would you be blending your family with another under one roof? I ask because that's a thing people do, just as people opt not to, but it seems you're a bit frustrated at the idea of waiting until the kids are out of the house for that potential step.

Sounds like a great plan, and one you can make clear isn't a verdict on him in any way by just being honest: "Hi there. I'm so overwhelmed right now, with grief and stress, that what I need right now is to get through these next few days on my own and exhale with you on Sunday and Monday. Thanks for understanding." Or some such.

Some extent seems like enough under the circumstances. Has he said anything about expecting to be at the funeral?

So sorry about your loss. Internet hugs. Granted, I don't know your partner or your dynamic, but under the circumstances I can't imagine he or most people would be anything but understanding if you just spelled out what's what here. Something like: "I'd love to see you tonight, but it would be best if we separate on Thursday before my kids arrive for the funeral. I hope we can all work out that situation at the right time, but I don't have the emotional capacity while grieving, so we can meet back up on Sunday once the kids leave. Does that work for you?" I'm operating here under the assumption that your partner is aware of the tension with his kids. Is that correct?

I get this. I also get how someone who really, really doesn't want to get a car accident, and thus white knuckles the wheel while driving, often ends up in exactly the situation they wanted to avoid. That's not saying you wrecked a car here, but that "not screwing up" and "not fretting over data" may have more of a symbiotic relationship than not. My approach to the apps was like this: If a brief back and forth was remotely interesting and not overtly off putting, I said something like, "I'd love to continue this chat in 3D, away from pixels, over a coffee, walk, or glass of wine. How's tomorrow or Thursday for you?" I found this to be "affective," to put it queasily, but more to the point it was honest, me being me rather than starting a strange dance when no music was even playing. You've been married, been in relationships. Odds are you can look back on any time when you found yourself playing a game with someone and quadruple checking yourself as a time when things went sideways. So why start things off on a bent line, you know?

My advice, based on this and other threads, is to give the dating theory disquisitions a rest. Instead, consider diverting that energy to reading novels, new ones, classics, whatever, as they are excellent at graphing the utterly compelling mystery of humans and human emotions, putting a spotlight on the reality that we can't be boxed into charts, and fostering a more empathetic and humble outlook on it all that can make for richer connections. Just speaking for myself, for whatever it's worth? I honestly spent exactly zero time thinking about this stuff when I was using the dating apps. I messaged people when I wanted to message them, including when someone went a little cold and I was still curious. Never took that personality, because taking it anyway just felt like a misuse of brain cells. Whatever conclusion a woman would reach about me based on my messaging proclivities—that I was amazing, that I was awful—would inherently be so wrong that I just didn't see the point of trying to inflate that balloon. Worth noting: There is a long history of movies using the device of men waiting 24-48 hours before contacting a woman to highlight (generously) the Mars vs Venus attributes of men and women, or (less generously) the occasionally dunce-y side of dudes. In short, it's a cultural cautionary tale, that kind of game playing, so regardless of where this goes I'd try to shed it from the arsenal and just be, you know, you.

I'm also curious about this. What happened 7 years ago that you guys haven't been able to resolve? And can you give some examples of the lies he has told that have upset you? From the outside, it seems you two have a very, very fraught dynamic. Whatever he did 7 years ago does not seem to have been forgiven, in earnest, either you forgiving him, him forgiving himself, or some combination. As such, you live in near constant fear of him being dishonest while he lives in near constant fear of how you might react to something, and those fears play off each other, tightening a knot you want to loosen. But without understanding these roots it's hard to offer much more advice.

It's also maybe worth pointing out that this attitude has a curious mirror to how you view his toxic relationship with his mother. In short: Rather than "just" divorcing him, you have instead put him on an unspoken probation where marriage is predicated on him impressing you—i.e. being the man you want him to be and envision him becoming. That's a highly pressurized dynamic, for both of you.

Sorry for all this. I've highlighted the above because I think it's a place where you can perhaps communicate a bit differently. I understand your feelings and your reasoning, but the way you've put it here is passive aggressive, which is about as guaranteed a way to start an argument as any. "Sure, as long as they don't fix anything they break," after all, really means something like, "No, because to my eyes your family are people who will break things and refuse to fix them." Another approach? I'd sit down with your husband during a relatively calm moment and let him you know you have something you want to discuss. Then outline why you're wary of having his family on the boat—your fathers wishes, for starters, and that you remain unnerved and hurt by (a) what happened with the sewing machine and (b) the lack of support your felt from him in the wake of that. Emphasize to your husband that you don't need him to agree with you, but you do need him to understand your view and to support it. Then see what he says, and discuss from there. Related question: Does your husband diagnosis himself and his family as toxic narcissists? If not, I wonder if you can find some space to allow that your interpretation and analysis of his family dynamic is just that, your own point of view, while his may be different and equally true to him as yours is to you. If you can come to accept it as different, as opposed to wrong where you are right, you may find a bit more grace creeps into everything and things are less fraught.

This is pretty common, by which I mean: It's pretty common to have a bad experience with anything and then paint it all with a broad brushstroke. Say I eat a hamburger and feel awful afterward. I may "swear off" burgers for a while, and come to believe burgers are "bad for me." In reality, however, probably a number of factors went into that bad burger experience: lack of exercise, the specifics of the restaurant, whatever, and in time I come to understand that I love burgers, just not at that one place, and with some other factors at play. I offer that loopy analogy to try to encourage a less binary mode of thinking about all this. Like the narrative of: the deeper the love, the less the chemistry. That's 90s sitcom stuff to a degree—a very rigid story that removes all of the nuance that makes people and connections so wonderful (and occasionally so frustrating and devastating!), to say nothing of training yourself to believe that deep love and fuego chemistry can't coexist (oh, they can!). From the outside, it seems that maybe you were keen to give this a go because she was so different than other people you'd been with prior. You did some math that perhaps looked like: Hot + great chemistry = self-absorbed and untrustworthy, so maybe less hot + lukewarm chemistry (+ all the wonderful attributes) = what I really want. My take on that is throw out the Sharpie and whiteboard and take this chapter as life nudging you to listen to—and to trust—the spot where mind and body are connected. It's a hard spot to access, and it's experiences like the ones you've described that help us tune into its pitch.

Sorry for the troubles. Echoing others, I think you're making something simple far more complicated than it needs to be. In short, you didn't find her attractive, didn't have the physical chemistry that you long for (understandably) in a romantic partner. This doesn't make you a monster, or superficial, but simply human. If you can take that as a lesson here (that you've learned something crucial you need for romance) rather than as some personal flaw (that you messed up) perhaps you can start letting go of the angst. Per that, I'd encourage you to create a new loop to spin around inside for a bit. Try replacing "quite fixated with her physical flaws" with "quite aware of the lack of physical chemistry" and see if that helps with shedding guilt and finding some self-forgiveness. Seems more accurate from the bleacher seats, all in all, since all of us humans have different lenses. What is scorching hot to me might be pure meh to you, and vise versa. It's not about flaws vs flawlessness, in short, but individual ecosystems. All relationships are, in a sense, an experiment conducted with a degree of blindness, since no human being ever knows themselves (their needs, their wants) fully. You gave this one a very fair shot. Ultimately, you realized you couldn't be the person she deserves and that you want to be with and alongside another person. Realizing that, you made a brave and hard choice—to end it, so you can each have room to find something with sturdier legs. That's all really good stuff. Hard and painful, no doubt, but also good.

I think it's about addressing your feelings with yourself, and then being honest with him. Which generally looks like saying something like, "I appreciate our recent talk, and how honest you've been about where you're at. I've realized that I'm looking for something committed right now in life and want to make room to find that. All the best..." Or some such. Point being, you need to stop trying to extract something from him that he has made it very clear he does not have to give. I've been in his shoes, clear as day that I am not interested in a relationship but am interested in intimacy, and have gone on to have lovely, if brief, entanglements with people in the same place. I have also been in your shoes, interested in a relationship with someone who wants only intimacy, and simply let them know and backed away. There's really no reason here to be mad at yourself, or at him. It's more about accepting the sour truth that you two are in different places in life, and with each other. That is very common—more common, really, than two people being on the same wavelength. That's why we move on when we're not, so we can find what we're looking for.

To put it mildly. Another way of saying it is that you could be very happy with her if she was a completely different person, and your relationship had a completely different construction. Alas, it does not, which means you either need to find a way to completely accept it all as is (highly unlikely) or work on accepting that what you want from a relationship is not something she has to offer or you two are able to construct together (hard, but doable). In short, I don't think this has anything to do with this vacation, the kid, all that. In a vacuum that's pretty basic stuff when it comes to dating a parent—that, here and there, you are going to be less of a priority. But what you're outlining here really isn't about that, since with the right relationship this wouldn't even be a thing. You'd know that she was into you and committed to you and that she needed to do x, y, and z for her kid. No biggie. It's a biggie here because you've spent the past few years having your self-esteem put through a paper shredder.

So sorry about all this! Your bf sounds very, very immature—understandable, to some degree, since he's only 17, but still no excuse for how it's making you all feel. Whatever the factors, if being in a relationship is making you "insane" that's generally life telling you that you're in the wrong relationship. And it may be that this relationship, for whatever has been great, is here to teach you that lesson. I'd imagine that just about anyone you date will have discussed some insta-hotties with their friends, just as I'd imagine that when you're hanging out with your female friends the hotness of random dudes, online or elsewhere, has been discussed. That said, bringing up "obsessions" with "pale Chinese girls" in front of you is just...well, it's about as lame as it gets. Long and short: this has nothing to do with you. You are great! Sadly, you are in a relationship with a wee little boy who has a lot of growing up to do. Don't let his lack of growth bring you down.

Sure, and something tells me you kind of like seeing him get riled up, because in the moment it reads as "care" or "passion," or some of the thing you really, really want from him that he's said he can't give. But from the outside, just being frank? That just looks like drama, immaturity, and ego. Why, after all, does the owner of the restaurant get angry with me when I decide to eat elsewhere? It's not care. He just wants my money.

Some can, some can't. There's really no recipe. I think you need to be honest with where you fall on that spectrum. But one place to start is really listening to what he says, and believing him. As that sinks in, I can't imagine that your feelings for him would stay so potent. Like, if I am starving and continuously go to a restaurant that does not fill me up, odds are that I will begin to "detach" from that restaurant and treat it more as a place for a snack than a real meal.

You are far from dumb. You are a human being in a very human situation. You like him, enjoy how you feel with him, and find yourself open to being in a relationship. All that is very normal and wonderful. Sadly, when we have these feelings for someone who doesn't want the same time we have to face reality rather than try to bend it to meet our wishes.

This I would make clear you have exactly zero patience for. Doesn't have anything to do with FWB vs Serious Relationship, but just basic maturity. You are not a possession of his, you can wear whatever you want, wherever you want. That he has already shown an inability to handle that, running parallel to his professions of being casual only—honestly, that's kind of the stuff to run from. Do you enjoy making him jealous or view his jealous as more evidence that he is more into you than he's leading on? Big picture, I'd encourage you to listen to him, or anyone, when they clear tell you what they have to give—and what they don't have to give. Sex, kindness, cuddles, remembering things: none of that really has anything to do with being more serious than FWB. It's very simple, really. When people want more than FWB they make it clear.

This, all in all, is what I would focus on right now. You've been together for five years, long enough to know that what you're experiencing right now isn't some apparition or deviation from the norm. It's simply who she is, how she goes about the business of being herself. Maybe this whole moment with your mother, and her holding onto the grudge, is a 9 on the volume knob instead of the usual 6-7, but still: it's the same knob, which will be turned up here and there. That is forever. In short, the only way I'd see this working is if you can stop caring about this stuff. Icky but relevant example is parenting: children freak out about nonsensical things from time to time, throw tantrums, and parents deftly acknowledge the feelings without blowing oxygen into them, trusting that the tantrum is just that: something that will fade. That the best advice I can give here, at least when it comes to staying together, is to assume a parental role to your childish girlfriend is probably more depressing for you than it is for me, but I think believing that there's some "communication" that will remedy this is magical thinking. You two do not have a communication issue, at all. The issue is that your girlfriend goes ape over small potatoes, holds grudges like a hero, and that you take all this very, very seriously and go straight into apologetic fix-it mode. Her reactions you cannot, and will not, change. Yours, however, you have power over. So if you're still investing in seeing if this can be worked out, I say chalk this whole thing up to more of the same and make an internal note that next time she is compelled to make a straight line go sideways that you react differently. Note what happens then, note how you feel, and take it from there.

This was my read as well. It seems he wanted to talk to you about something he was writing and thinking about, and you wanted him to to be gushy, googly-eyed, and you-obsessed. Totally get it. When we're crushing we want to be crushed back on, so everything becomes a tea leaf.

So sorry about this. I'd like to understand the relationship in more context. How long were you together and how often did you spend time in person? I understand you met through a game during the pandemic, but did the relationship eventually become one where you were spending regular time together in person? As for this, I think this is a very common and understandable way to feel during a breakup, especially one you didn't initiate. The math goes something like: you're in pain, you want the pain to go away ASAP, and knowing that he sees himself as a horrible person would be a salve. Totally get it, but I'd encourage you to think about healing differently, that it's something that will be self-generated and not reliant on him—or on him seeing and feeling things in exactly the way you do. In my experience, ironic as it sounds, I think the fastest way to get over things is to let go of the idea that they need to be gotten over fast. Accept that pain is pain, that it's never permanent, but that it's here now to be felt for a bit. That's okay. That's human. Cut yourself that slack and you're likely to find it's the first step toward it abating—that and working to let go of the idea that you need something from him to heal. Sending healing vibes your way.

It sounds like you found a dark and musty corner of the internet and have mistaken it for a majority opinion. Speaking for myself—a male—I find all of that to be nonsense, the sort of drivel spewed by angry and entitled dudes. The sheer use of the term "body counts" is enough to make my skin crawl. General thoughts on all this? I don't really think there's any wrong or right way to be in a relationship, in terms of monogamy and beyond, but I think that all relationships should be created by a mutual understanding and commitment by everyone in them. Anyone who breaks those agreements has only their own wobbly spine to blame.

Sorry about the frustration. When you're feeling this way—about dating, about anything—I've generally found that it's life telling you that it's a good moment to a take a break and focus on something, anything that you know brings you a sense of joy and satisfaction. What's that something, or some things, for you? Per this, I'm assuming you mean they know what you look and sound like because you've swiped/texted/chatted before meeting up? While that offers something, sure, it's not a substitute for how things will go and feel once you're together in the third dimension. Can only speak for myself, but when I was dating there were plenty of people who excited me in our exchanges over the app—nice pics, quick wit, whatever—but in person there just wasn't that fizzy thing that made eager to see them again. And no doubt plenty of women had their version of that experience with me. It's the way it goes, for better or worse. Me, I've found dating most enjoyable when I don't have really high expectations from it save for meeting another human being an seeing what's up. What's up might be boring conversation, a makeout session that goes nowhere, a lively chat about philosophy, a delicious bite of food, a mediocre cocktail, a clash in values that surfaces, a complete lack of attraction, and so on—and all that is kind of the same, an experience I was game for. If it went further than any of that, well, that was just a bonus. On the other hand, when I went into it expecting that I'd come away with a second date or girlfriend for life—which, yeah, was what I ultimately wanted—the whole thing was a drag and I'd step away for a bit. After all, it's a pretty entitled way of thinking to believe the majority of strangers on this planet will want to spend more than a few hours of their time with us. Which can be a bummer, no doubt, but the flip side to it is everything rare and special about connecting.

Personally, under the circumstances, I'd call it an orange flag. That's to say: Go, hang, see what's what, have fun, don't drink too much, and take things from there. People are can be spazzes, and while his comment is understandably irksome I don't think it merits Defcon status.

Sorry for the troubles. The big thing I don't understand is why you're paying 50 percent for an apartment that you only spend 4 nights a month in. How exactly did that arrangement come about? I can't help but think that if you guys could sort that bit out, even just financially, then the rest wouldn't grate quite the same way. He pays for dinners and plans various activities, which sounds pretty great. If you'd like him to consult you a bit before locking in plans, I'd say to him, "I love it that you always have so many suggestions for us, be it a gym class or hanging with friends, but in the future can we agree to talk to each other before locking them in? That way we can better plan together for whether we're staying at yours or mine. What do you think about that?" All that said, it also may very well be that you two have different expectations from a relationship, and that what he naturally brings to the table (paying for dinner, etc.) isn't what you naturally need to feel romantically sated. Doesn't make him a monster or you a shrew, but just two puzzle pieces that don't dovetail. Again, though, it's a kind of curious arrangement in that "his" place is 50 percent yours, a.k.a. "ours," while yours is yours alone. Regardless of how that came to be, I can kind of understand why it's the default nucleus for him: yes, it's convenient, but at some point it also became a shared space, however unconventional the arrangement.