bluecastle

It's hard for me, from these seats, to get a solid enough sense of these exchanges to say much. Is the doctor blunt and tone deaf? Or is Whirling hyper sensitive to the point that innocuous phrases get twisted into something harsh? It's a coin toss, especially when Whirling himself often comes in with a caveat about how what we read on here is not actually representative of x, y, or z.

Everyone is different, I get it, but by most standards this is...a lot. My girlfriend was recently away for a week, for a counterpoint. We spoke on the phone—wait for it—exactly zero times. Yes, that's maybe another extreme, and we've certainly chatted on other occasions when apart, but what you're describing is a level of tethering that few can sustain and that by its very nature can lead to a feral degree of dependency. Case in point being... In other words, nothing had actually gone south. What had happened is what has happened many, many times: your dealer didn't call you back and you got itchy. I would seriously look at that habit, and do what you can to adjust it, since (a) one very real difference between you two is that she has a taxing job that occupies her time and headspace and (b) every moment you spend gauging the success of this relationship on whether or not you're feeling that high is a moment when you are substituting intoxication for connection. But, zooming out, this is worth swinging back to and trying to spend a moment absorbing rather than defending: Now, I'm not saying that what's being recognized is definitely two people who don't work. Hardly. I'm just saying that you can't will this into the World's Deepest Relationship or the World's Most Singular Connection just because you want that more than anything. Ten weeks. That's still a blip. Saying that, owning that, embracing it, and so on, does not mean it's trivial. It simply allows for a clearer lens, and, with that, the opportunity to not mistake a gentle breeze for a hurricane and to be honest with yourself about what's most important—if you can be, and feel, like yourself alongside her.

Does this not feel even a touch odd to write down? Subtract "the last few weeks" and what do you have? You have "the first few weeks." You have, in other words, less than a month. As mentioned earlier, the very phrase "honeymoon phase" makes me cringe, but putting aside my own linguistic druthers don't you think that it should be doing the opposite of fading after 21 days? Can only speak for myself, but when I was dating I found it really common—more common than not—that interest waned or incompatibilities surfaced after a few weeks. That's generally not a "honeymoon phase" settling into "partnership," but "dating" not having the juju to morph into "real relationship." Am I correct that you have not said a word to her—have not reached out once—since Monday?

I have the same thought—and know it's one that's been coming up a lot. Personally, I think the expression "honeymoon phase" is often a kind of glossy way of describing too much, too soon. It's what happens when the strongest point of connection is not between two humans, but whatever fantasy each represents in the imagination of the other and the drug-like quality that occurs in the moments when those fantasies become indecipherable from reality. Whirling? The most important question right now shouldn't be whether or not this will last forever. It should be whether you're sincerely enjoying your time with her, and getting to know her. From the bleacher seats, that joy has not always been evident. It's different than the high that occurs when the drug hits the bloodstream and the low that follows in withdrawal, but rather something that's there—and much bigger—in the moments in between. Of course, I say that understanding that your engine runs particularly hot—and that, for some people, working on a car and taking it apart is more enjoyable than taking a trip inside of one.

"Giving someone an out" is being manipulative. It's passive aggressive and insecurity-driven because it's making them responsible for acting on or soothing your worst fears while your emotional truth stays hidden in your back pocket. Want to end something because it's not jibing with you? You end it. Want to stay in it? You stay in it, and address whatever needs addressing. Make sense? As for the specifics here, I have a few thoughts: The main one is that you came into this hyper-sensitive about certain things—namely, the idea, as deeply rooted in your psyche as the Empire State Building is in the island of Manhattan, that you are a sub-par dude whose bohemian leanings, in combination with your height and threadbare finances, has rendered him unrelatable and unloveable to women. So be it your hair or your home, any comment that is less than laudatory on this front is going to enflame you. To some degree you have to think of that like walking around with a broken arm. When people brush up against you, even slightly, it's going to hurt, just as it will feel extra delicious when the coddle you. Still, they did not break the arm. That said, her comments about future professional events weren't the kindest. My personal view is a lot of compatibility can be gauged by how deep another person's sharp edges cut into our own skin, so maybe just think about all this as something to observe.

Okay, so how about exploring a vasectomy (reversible), IUD, tube tying (not), and so on. There are numerous forms of birth control that require a minor procedure and then zero "responsibility." Seems a lot more realistic than going full monk.

Let's imagine I'm here asking you for advice about the following: I am finding myself consumed by anger at writers who are publishing books and articles—something no magazine or publisher has ever done for me. In our exchange you learn that I have never once submitted a word of writing to any outlet, because it's my belief that the people who are published are part of some kind of inside tract: academic connections, wealthy parents, the coddling tutelage of professors of the sort that eluded me, and so on. Would you find my narrative sound, as indisputable as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west? Or would you find it troubling given that I had never made a sincere attempt to do the thing I am so angry that others are out there doing? Anyhow, I get that your "preference" is to say you've never had the opportunity. I am also sincerely sorry that that's how you see things, and that, at least judging by this tread, there seems to be no room to turn the prism a few degrees in a different direction and question that perception.

Is this the same guy you wrote about back in May? The one who, before you met up, explained that he was still reeling from a breakup, had trouble accessing his feelings, and was looking for something ambiguous? If so, is the ex you're talking about here the same ex from that break up? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but don't feel I can offer good advice without understanding things a bit better.

I made no assumptions. That's why I asked. It's fine if you don't want to help with some clarity, but I ask that you don't make any as well. Seems that grand assumptions might be, for you, something like lead-soled shoes. Anyhow, if I'm following this correctly, here is the issue: You have never asked a woman out, or attempted to use dating sites to meet women, but are confident that you are "unwanted by every woman on the planet" because you have yet to register the "signal" women give off to show/prompt interest. As such, and as the years have passed, you have come to envy and despise anyone who is a relationship because you view them as a mirror to your condition, and are now looking for ways to address those toxic feelings brewing. Does that get to the nuts and bolts?

Can I ask how old you are, for context? I'm also curious about where you live—not specifics of longitude and latitude, but basic outlines. A big city? Small town? A place that leans liberal or conservative? Wherever it is, is it a place where you feel at home, surrounded by like-minded people or a place where you feel, well, out of place? Finally, if I'm understanding things correctly, you've never asked a woman out in person but I'm curious as to whether or not you've ever tried dating apps?

I wrote my post above before there were any replies, but forgot to hit submit. Anyhow, highlighting the above because this tripling down on your belief, and flat out dismissing other points of view, is a quality that can take a toll on a person, and a relationship. Is that a factor in the equation as well? I don't know. I just know that it's my personal belief that blaming everything on another person, or forces outside of your control, is inherently to create some pretty major blind spots.

Sorry about this. The end of such a long relationship is a massive detonation to the heart and sense of self, so it's understandable that you're looking for a reason, something you can hold in the palm of your hand and say, "This is why she left me." Doing so keeps some of the pain away, and gives you a sense of a control at a time when everything feels like chaos. Thing is? There are very real shortcomings to trying to have that control rather than just accepting that you have none. What I mean... Did menopause play a role in all this? That math doesn't jibe with me because I don't think relationships are machines, where one cracked gasket causes the whole thing to sputter. Further, what I find a concerning about the above is that it creates a narrative where the unraveling is 100 percent a her thing, and 0 percent a you or a you two thing. It's a riff on a very old and unfortunate story where "female problems" mint another male victim, and if I'm completely honest I can't help but wonder if there's a correlation between this way of thinking and the atrophying of things between you two. I get the comfort in it all, don't get me wrong. She snapped, she'll eventually realize this, regret this, and come back—that there allows for a good night's sleep, even in tough times. But it (a) removes your own role as half of the relationship and (b) takes away the very hard truth that most things end simply because over time two people who once worked evolved into two people who no longer do. Rarely is it any one person's fault, and certainly not the fault of something like menopause. It's many, many paper cuts, so to speak, along with the mystery of other people, and how over time they can change shapes and no longer mesh.

Sorry you're hurting. An equation that I think might serve you well right now: The sum of Ex is always greater than Why. Read that ten times in a row, slowly. You have spent a year dwelling on the Why in order to avoid the full weight and truth of Ex. This is common, and generally it's a way of avoiding reality and pain. Thing is, as maybe you're learning, avoiding pain just creates a new kind of pain—that of being frozen inside the past, and your own ego. I don't mean this harshly—because I've been in versions of your shoes, and am prone to lacing them tight around my own feet—but if you challenge yourself a bit you may seem that the love you are describing as "for her" is more for an idea. An idea of what could have been. An idea, really, of who you could have been, with "her" as a proxy for all that since, after all, she is no longer part of your life and is out in the world changing shape. My two cents: be that person you could have been right now. Inhabit it. Not for her, or for love, but for yourself. If you can do that you will be thankful, not mournful, and you will be paving the path toward something new—being the loving person inside of something rather than only once that something has imploded.

My sincere question to you is: Are you actually surprised? This is how your mother behaves, as you've documented to great length. This is a known, no different than knowing that come evening the sun will set in the west. Something, in other words, that you cannot change. Your own choices to coddle and cave and enable, however, is well within your control to adjust. Had you stayed the whole weekend your mother would have become angry about something else, and that would be your focus here instead of this. In short, her proverbial glass, no matter how full in reality, is perceived as half empty.

Can you entertain the idea that, under the circumstances, this might be a tall ask of two children? The subtext, if that's even the right word, of the way they're being schooled and raised is: it's bad out there. Very, very bad. Or, more specifically, the subtext is: Mom and dad think it's bad out there. Very, very bad. Ergo, on some cellular level, there is a chance that they are scared to ask for things, or express a desire in things, that they already know are viewed as verboten and could potentially threaten the bond with the only two people they interact with on the planet. One of the hardest things for us adults, after all, is to broach subjects with other adults that we suspect might be uncomfortable. To put that onus on a child is, well, a lot. Guess all I'm saying, or suggesting, is that it might go a long way to say something to the effect of, "I really care about how you guys are feeling, whether you'd be interested in something like a team sport or after school activity, and want you to know that I 100 percent support that and don't want you to feel you can't talk to me." That's different than creating an internal rule in your head—that they must (a) ask and (b) show seriousness—because it's letting them see the full workings of the system they're in.

What do your kids say about this decision? While I'm not suggesting their say is the say, I do believe that their thoughts and feelings, far more than a collection of internet strangers, is likely to be your most valuable feedback on this and a valuable lesson for them in knowing you take them as seriously as human beings as you do your charges. Can only speak for myself, but when navigating anything school related regarding kids—particularly changes—this has been a vital step. As for the specifics, you're bound to get all sorts of takes, as everyone has different beliefs and experiences. What I am curious to better understand is: Are your children allowed to interact with peers and do you do anything to ensure that happens rather than putting the onus on them? After school climbing camp? Team sports? Sleepovers at the homes of their friends from the school's they're currently at? Echoing others, I personally think that's pretty key stuff when it comes to the developing years. The internet is a not a substitute for that, even with limited guardrails. Lastly, you write about this with a lot of confidence: in this approach, along with your perceptions of the ills of the alternatives. What I'd like to better understand is: Are you open to the idea of this experiment proving itself to not work? As in: If your kids tell you they are miserable, are you open to changing course? This is just me echoing me, in ways, but I think that kind of sensitivity and flexibility is the pixie dust that really helps kids thrive.

Most people come to this site hoping to hear something. Is that what you’re wanting to hear from people?

Are you sure you don't mean hard to stomach? From the get-go she told you how she operates: casually, not seriously. She came to get the vibe that you were itching for more, that soured the sweetness of the arrangement, and she opted to cut bait. That you are picking it apart here, and turning over rocks to make it into something more than a casual fling, supports the idea that she what she was sensing in you was not just being produced by her imagination. And no amount of analysis is going to change the very hard fact that she has told you—twice—that she is done.

Sorry about all this. Hopefully this need not be much of a journey. He can go to a doctor, get some pills, and you guys can enjoy the results. It sucks that it took this long for him to take action, but we're living in an age where this is generally a pretty easy thing to work with. Granted, if a little blue or orange pill doesn't do the trick, you may be looking at larger issues here. But take it one step at a time.

And now, sadly, you move on. Sounds like she has been straightforward every step of the way, letting you know that she only does casual relationships and that these tend to end with her bowing out. Nice that she honored the fun you guys had by opting out of this in a mature way—by telling you it's over, rather than ghosting. Given that she has already said this twice, no reason to extract a third time from her, much as I understand you'd love to be back in the saddle. My two cents: thank her in the privacy of your mind for the good times, and perhaps for showing you that what you're interested in, big picture, is someone who has more to give than her. Spend a minute licking those wounds and then go out and find that.

Can I ask how old you guys are for context? From what you've just added, this whole thing seems unnecessarily dramatic, with a lot of that drama being self-generated. It might be worth asking some heady questions at this juncture, along the lines of: Why are you so interested in a woman who has always been lukewarm, and with whom you have such a contentious relationship that you've argued to the point of cutting contact for months at a time? What's the reward in all that? And what is the benefit of defining it all with the word love? Can only speak for myself, but that's like me saying I love a food I've never tried but got food poisoning just looking at. Like rainbow, I don't see any "ghosting" here. Nor do I see "rejection." It seems you developed a very big crush on her, and have been frustrated that she wasn't reciprocating the crush. That's not rejection. That's just life. Per the details of this recent exchange—sure, she was a touch flaky, but the bottom line here is that you're the one actively trying to ghost her into being into you. It's one way to go about it, and hopefully the lesson of all this is that it just makes everting more sideways than it needs to be.

Sorry about all this. The generous view here, from my perch, is that you are two decent people who, when together, are terrible for each other—diminishing your better qualities, bringing out your worst, and turning your collective (and especially her individual) mental health to Swiss cheese. This is generally what happens when what two people really want, deep down, but are loath to admit, is for the person they are with to morph into a completely different person. What you two to seem share most potently—and what seems to be the unfortunate glue in all this—are Big Desires about who you want to be as you crest into your forties. So powerful are these Big Desires that you are each doing all you can to mold the other into a shape that fits this, since the alternative is scary: 41 and alone, a blank page where you hoped to be drafting a novel. Alas, remove those Big Desires from all this, and what's real? What's real is you are talking about her with all the love of a lab technician trying to a mouse through a maze. And she, understandably, is reacting to all that in much the way a trapped and hungry animal will. Not a scenario that will magically transform itself into bliss. My hope for both of you is that you can experience what it's like for commitment to be so easy and so obvious that you hardly use the word, where you're just so bust inhabiting the concept that you don't come up with rules that turn it into a carrot on a stick. You deserve that. As does she. As things stand, sadly, it seems that you are each an impediment to having this experience.

Buddy, buddy... I know this is frustrating, but the way you're grabbing onto it is a touch concerning. What's going on in your life these days, in the big picture? Work going well? Happy where you live? Any recent heartache in the rearview mirror? This woman aside, anything you've been frustrated with? Remove your own hopes from all of this, and a different picture emerges: You had one date, after which she went cold. Rather than react to that chill you sent her a gift, which, let's be honest, was likely sent in hopes of turning cold to warm. Whether she was genuinely warm for a few seconds, or felt a bit guilty, she canceled a second date and went cold again. Tundra cold. These are not subtle hints. And while it may not be your definition of courtesy, to others it would all add up to a gentle "You're great, but no," saving two people who don't know each other and have next to zero history the weirdness of trying to explain something that doesn't merit much of an explanation. Something to ask yourself: Why are you more interested her, after a month of being blown off, rather than less? The answer, I don't think, will really have anything to do with her.

Please don't reach out, or "call her out." You saw her once in your life, a month ago. You guys have not spoken in weeks. I understand the sting, I do, and my own ego has a habit of flaring up. Key is to just stand it down. Go for a run, hang with a friend, swipe the apps, pursue a hobby, have a beer....really any of the above than trying to making yourself feel a little better by disciplining a stranger, which is what "calling her out" likely boils down to if you're brutally honest with yourself.

Sorry about this. But, alas, this is the more common outcome in dating than all the others. Me, I don't even think of this as "ghosting." That's like calling a bruise on a shin a broken leg. A bruise on the shin hurts, no doubt, but why use language to amplify the pain? You chatted for a while, had a nice enough first date, but she was already fizzling on you. All good to go for the mini Hail Mary with the gift card, because #yolo and so on, but it wasn't quite enough to nudge her out of the fog of lukewarm interest, at least not in any real or sustainable way. That stings, no doubt, because it clashes with what you'd like and the narrative you had running in your mind. But your narrative was not hers, and that's what she has very clearly communicated. Feel the sting and let it go.