bluecastle

This is a question only you can answer—one, really, that only you should answer. That you're not sure...well, maybe that means that neither are quite right for you? Or that you're not quite in a place to be committing to one person, still eager to explore options, date without exclusivity, hone in a bit more on what it is you truly need and want in a committed relationship? Or maybe I've got it wrong. But in my experience, whenever I've "chosen" someone it hasn't really felt like a choice so much as a clear path.

I was, yeah.

Agree with the above. I would just be honest and straightforward about who you are, at this point in your life: a man who, after your divorce, decided to spend some time taking care of your parents while saving money and figuring out what's next. If someone sees that as "dude's **** ain't together" that's just a sign that they're not the dudette for you. Personal story, maybe of relevance: When I met my now partner I was subletting a place, living among someone else's furniture. I'd been doing this for over a year: spending long stretches in homes that weren't mine and then switching it up because, well, it felt right to me. I had two homes in two other states, where I'd lived in the past, but found it really fun and freeing to sublet for long stretches and carry only enough possessions to fit into a suitcase. Some women I met, understandably, felt this meant I wasn't "serious," that I was going to up and leave town, that I had contracted some strain of Peter Pan Syndrome. My girlfriend, however, seemed to think it was just...pretty cool. As it happens she was living in a kind of unorthodox way following her divorce—rooming with another single mom, with the (understandable) rule of no dudes at the place when kids were around (which was most of the time), so in our early days I didn't spend a whole lot of time at hers. I thought that was...pretty cool too. Point being? While there are some universal red flags out there—heroin addiction, say, or a long rap sheet—many are red in some eyes and white to others. If you don't see yourself as shrouded in a red flag—and I see no reason why you should—then own that with gusto and let the chips land as they may.

Why can't a topic of conversation be your disinterest in sports? A conversation that, over time, could open a window into a chat about men and women, and your own occasional hangups on the rigid ideas and ideals about what is "manly" vs what is not? Seems a far more compelling line of chitchat than "That catch was legendary!" As someone who likes sports, if in a non-obsessive way, I've had some wonderful and lively chats with people, men and women, romantic and platonic, about just this topic: winding and wandering riffs on why sports are amazing or boring, meaningful or meaningless, and so on. If all of those people saw sports in exactly the way I did—well, those conversations wouldn't be nearly as memorable, enlivening, and enlightening. Moral of the story: I think what people are drawn to, generally, is not so much shared interests as people who are interested in people, in the world around them. This can be places where viewpoints align, and where they do not. No need, in short, to feign interest in things as a preemptive means of connecting to people who exist only in your imagination at present. That's like wearing clothes that aren't comfortable in the hopes of finding comfort.

I think these sorts of conversations should be pretty natural and organic, not like a serious summit. You two are still new, still figuring each other out and, in that process, figuring out how well you two work together (or don't). All in all, I don't think there should be a ton of self-editing involved in making a relationship work. Like, it's important to learn another person's sensitivities, and be mindful of them, but at the same time you have to still be able to be, you know, you. If that's not possible it's often a sign that you're not super compatible with someone. Am I correct in understand that the general gist here is that you've made jokes that she finds bothersome, while for you it is the "outbursts" that are the trouble?

Can you explain a bit more about these hiccups and how long you've been together? Without context, it's hard to give much more than general advice. That said, I think it's always important to be able to talk about what both parties in a relationship expect to make sure everyone is on the same page.

I'm not going to go back and find every instance of this, but I do encourage you to reread this and other threads and note how often you offer these sorts of clarifications that boil down to a pretty simple point: you are right, others are wrong. It was the gist of the posts about your ex gf, along with those detailing your daughter and ex-wife. What's going on there, do you think? Seems like something worth reflecting on. But do you do this? From where I sit you saw "physician" and "reserved" and drew up a surface level sketch of a human you don't know that removed almost all depth of character, reducing her to another red flag draped witch addicted to the Kool Aid of American capitalism and alpha meanies of the sort that you can't compete with. If you're going to dole that out, you've got to be able to take it. Remove all the noise from the interaction at the core of this thread and everything looks pretty positive to me. You were spinning out a bit, came here. People pointed out that playing games was maybe not the best move, and to instead reach out more genuinely with intention. In response a woman offered coffee and/or a FaceTime, while letting you know she's heading out of town. That all that doesn't bring some sense of comfort is a bit mystifying.

When you're interested in connecting to another person, rather than competing, I doubt any of all this you're sprung on will be so interesting to you—least of all a dude like this. But for the time being I think the best thing to do is look within, acknowledge that what interests you right now, which is a noncommittal dude who lies to other women about you while checking out their legs. Or, if you're the other women in this candy-coated yarn, looking at your legs while lying to you. Either way, I say enjoy the ride. When you've had enough you'll know, no different than when I know when I've had enough candy.

Per the wording question... Was what you included here the entirety of your message, or did you also wish her a good time in Florida and make it clear that the coffee and/or FaceTime she'd suggested sounded great?

So hasn’t been on the site all day, because who knows why, which explains why she hasn’t answered your question. Doesn’t seem like something to be irked about, especially since you’ve generally taken a while to reply to her. Is this a bad thing? Should she be making you her number one priority right now?

What is the answer you want that you haven't gotten? In a dream world, what would someone here say?

Sorry about all this. From the outside—or at least when viewed through my own lens—it sounds like there are some very real ingredients missing here. Zero sex? Can only speak for myself, but that's always been a pretty major and critical component of romantic relationships—the thing you share with your partner and no one else. Putting everything else aside, is that something you can be happy letting go of in life? While I can to some degree understand his reluctance to have you over to his mother's house, I'm curious to understand why he forbids you meeting his friends as well. Does he go out with them regularly and not invite you? What does he say when you ask to meet them? All in all, it sounds to me like if you let go of the idea of 27 being "too old" that you'd know what to do. Keep in mind that you've only been an adult for 6 years, and, should all go well, you've got maybe 60 more to go. How you spend every one of them is the story of who you are, so ask yourself who you want that person to be and if the choices you're making now are bringing you close to that person or further.

I'm at a loss here, friend. From where I sit you are inventing red flags out of nothing. Or, more specifically, you are taking someone who is behaving almost identically to how you've behaved, but where you paint yourself on here in tones of swaggering righteousness and oh-so-sensitive vulnerability you choose paint her ominously, derisively even. What's that about? I ask earnestly. You have more or less taken this woman out of the realm of human beings and turned her into a high-definition screen onto which to project your anxieties. Buddy, this is one of those spots where it can be really, really freeing to locate the inner switch that allows you to laugh at yourself and switch it to the on position. Here, for whatever it's worth, is a window into another way this can go: Once, 4.5 years ago, I matched with a woman on a Bumble. Per that site, she wrote me first. Maybe it was days after matching, maybe hours—I never paid attention. We had a witty little back and forth for 10 minutes. I asked her to continue in 3D. Sounded great, she said, but it was a busy time: with work, with her kid, with all that. I hear that, I said, and we tried and failed to find a hard date and opted to check back in in a few days. This went on for 3 weeks—with, I stress, zero sparkly banter in between. I'd shoot her note, along the lines of: "Coffee tomorrow?" She'd reply that, ugh, tomorrow was bad, but how about Thursday? Dang, I'd say, Thursday is booked for me. Then days of silence as our lives spun round. Then maybe she'd say: "Coffee tomorrow?" And I'd say that was bad for me, but Friday? Bad for her. The holidays came around, we both got sucked into that vortex, and then I had to cross the country on trip because, you know, life. I landed from that trip at maybe 7pm. Waiting for a cab I thought: it would be nice to have that drink that woman from Bumble with whom I had that nice little exchange 3 weeks ago. So, one second later, with zero rumination, I texted her: "Last minute, but want to have a glass of wine in the next 30 minutes to an hour?" She'd been working late. A glass of wine sounded great. We met up, talked and talked, and it was pretty dang magical. I put her in a cab and before it got to the end of the block, I texted her: "I loved talking to you and want to talk more. Wednesday?" Anyhow, we now live together, have for a while now, and I'm beyond grateful. But I'm not sharing all this to highlight a happy ending—since it's not an ending, it's just my life unspooling. I'm sharing it because had she not responded at any of those stages, had she faded out, it would have been fine. That happened plenty. By not putting a whole lot of weight on something that simply does not merit the weight the entire experience of dating was different, less mentally consuming, self-absorbing, and self-sabotaging.

What are you hoping to gain from this thread? I ask this earnestly. As is, it seems you're content with the way things are. Maybe you feel somewhat superior over this woman, since he's "with" you while she wants him, and the juice of that little high is enough to shrug off the fact that he is acting in a heroically shady manner? I asked you once: Before you were involved with him, was this what you were hoping for from a relationship?

Most everyone who comes to this site with a question has an answer that they're hoping to get back. My sense, judging from your replies here, is that you were hoping a handful of internet strangers would tell you that you have nothing to worry about, that he sounds like a great guy who is super into you. Is that accurate?

This isn't the point. The point is that you've had time to write 1000s of words here about all this, turning over stones that don't even exist on a path that isn't paved. What have you gotten from that? Because it's not nothing. Were I to venture a guess I'd say what you've gotten is the salve of having an illusion of control over everything. Thing is, when it comes to these matters, no one has control—not you, not the 6-foot-plus alpha Marlboro Man who runs a hedge fund. You're whipping yourself into a lather because that is familiar, not because you're busy and distracted with family. Be honest about that, so you can be honest about deciding if there's another mode of action to experiment with.

This. Which, c'mon, takes exactly 18 seconds to do and be done with. It's essentially what I and others suggested right when she replied to you, which is to say it took me 18 seconds or less to write that reply. I realize it may seem like a Everest-shaped hill to conquer, given your deeply ingrained patterns, but if you can push yourself to just shoot off a quick, earnest note like that without all the quintuple-guessing I can't help but imagine that you'd find dating a lot less dramatic and dispiriting. Do the math: 18 seconds of energy vs 24 hours of head-spinning—which will be more depleting?

Ah, yes, my bad. General gist holds.

Terrific. Hopefully this can all be taken as a lesson into just how much anxiety—rather than reality—is fogging your windshield on all this. In your shoes, I'd respond with something like: "So sorry to hear about the sad affairs of late—hope what's on the horizon offers a respite. A video chat sounds great, as does meeting for coffee, so let me know if there's if there's a break in the chaos in upcoming days to make the former happen. When are you back from Florida?" And that's that. No more micro-analysis of her profile, no more searching for red flags with such fury that you accidentally paint one on your own back, no more putting down a total stranger to puff yourself up. That's all anxiety. Brass tacks: I think it's worth noting that this thread and your spirit took an immediate turn toward total bitterness and despair when a woman who you purposely waited over a day to respond to took a day to respond to you. Think about that for a moment.

It's understandable that you don't want to hear what people are saying. Putting analysis aside, let's look at some facts this way: You have learned that your boyfriend will easily lie to people. You have learned that your boyfriend will keep your relationship a secret from women he knows are into him. Now, let's imagine you and I met up before you knew this man existed and you painted me a picture of the sort of boyfriend you wanted to meet some day. Were the above facts part of that picture?

So, let me get this straight: Your boyfriend had been pressing this woman to hookup with him, but she said no because what she wanted was a relationship with him, which he was not interested in. As that was all going on, he meets you, you guys start hooking up, and at some point (when?) he asks you to be in a committed relationship with him, bf and gf and all that. Since then, however, he keeps your relationship a secret from her and repeatedly lies to her when she asks if he's seeing someone. That all about right? And you want to know why? Logic and experience says that he knows what he will lose if he told her he was seeing you: her being into him. Think of that like something he does not want to give up in his daily diet—the thirst and attention nourishes him. He wants to keep that around and have you, without coming out and just saying that, since doing so would make him seem pretty icky. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this! I think you're here because it doesn't feel right, or good, and I think you can do a lot better than this dude. Whatever his positive qualities, he's not really showing himself to be a solid peg to hang a hat on.

Can I ask how old you guys are for context? I can only speak for myself, but if my girlfriend was not happy to let anyone know I was her boyfriend—like, if she purposely withheld this, as he’s doing—I wouldn’t really care what her motives were because I’d know her idea of a relationship and mine didn’t line up.

The short, likely disappointing answer to this question is: nothing. Or at least nothing more than what you've already done. At this stage it is on your partner to have some faith and grit and trust in themselves, key ingredients for any healthy relationship, rather than expecting a silver bullet from you to act as a salve to anxieties. If they have decided to stay in it and work on it—well, they have to stand by and inhabit that commitment, which means accepting that these are issues that will get answered in time. I understand if you don't want to share what happened to break trust, but something to mull on: Do you think everyone in the world would have reacted as your partner did? I'm asking just to point out that people are allowed to have different boundaries and expectations, and there's a difference between betrayal, disrespect, and breaking trust and making a choice that hurts someone's feelings because they have a different set of expectations than you. In my experience mutual boundaries—those created by a couple to protect their relationship, rather than an individual to protect themselves—are often created over the first year together, more like building a house than expecting it to be airtight. Regardless, please understand that you should not feel like you're in a state of permanent atonement. Much as people talk about trust as a foundation of a relationship—understandably and justly—grace is just as critical, that ability to forgive the other person rather than weaponize their flaws and faults. I offer that to chew on simply because you seem to be taking a lot of the blame here, which I understand provides some degree of comfort—if everything is your fault than you can fix it—but in reality it's never actually like that.

This, I'd say, is a red flag. Hard to imagine how you'd have much interest in being physical in this context, to say nothing of wanting to travel to see him again. Big picture, I can't help but think that this also has something to do with the strains of a long distance relationship. When you only get to see someone 3 times in 3 months there's invariably a lot of pressure to make those meet-ups spectacular, dreamy, sweaty, whatever. Human beings can't guarantee all that, of course, which is why dating in a less pressurized context has its pluses. None of that, to be clear, makes his behavior acceptable. It's lame and immature.

I'm just going to point out that this kind of thing is a theme in your threads: the hedging clarifications that contradict a poster's analysis and land firmly back in the understandably comfortable zone where you've done everything right. Which is not me saying you've done everything, or anything, "wrong," or that the words written here should be taken as some kind of gospel. But you are scheming and battle-planning very hard here, rather than acting in an organic way, and it seems the outcome of all that is more confusion and less clarity in the core. That right there seems like enough reason to be open to a different way of thinking about all this... If you want to convince yourself of that, and find comfort there, you've already got your hand on the knob to that door. Me, my attitude was always: How much "interest" should anyone really have in me when I'm just pixels? And my answer to that was: very, very little, but hopefully enough to say yes when I asked them to meet up. So rather than "strategizing," why don't you just do exactly that and then you each have a bit of IRL time to see if you're interested in seeing each other a second time? After all, that's what you want, correct? Worst case scenario is crickets or a no, which at least to me seems a better case scenario than spinning around in your own head.