moodindigo91

No you don't need to grow up you need to dump your lame boyfriend

I concur. And also you should realize that John and Mike are not the only 2 options in the world. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Leave Mike if you haven't already. Don't fixate on John. Don't think about dating other men or looking for other men to date until after you've left Mike.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I understand how you're feeling. I was in a relationship with an abusive ex for like 6 years. We lived together, had a dog, etc. He left me for another woman, who he is now (seemingly) happily married to. When I first discovered they were married, I was very upset. That being said, I think that there are some red flags in the way you think. First of all, you feel discarded, which is totally normal, however, wanting someone else you don't even know to experience that same pain just by virtue of the fact that they are dating your ex, in my opinion, is not normal. That can be a slippery slope that will ultimately be harmful only to you. You should seek out therapy to work out your emotions surrounding your feelings of abandonment. Those feelings are likely not rooted in your relationship with your ex, but rather in some kind of childhood trauma. People get into and leave relationships all the time. Sometimes they do it in poor ways, and I understand it is hard not to take it personally, but you really can't and shouldn't take it personally. It has nothing to do with your value as a person. It has more to do with your compatibility as a couple. Your ex is just more compatible with his current partner. That might be a tough pill to swallow, but once you accept that, and realize that it isn't personal to you and that sometimes relationships just end or feelings dissipate over time, you'll have a much better mindset. I sought out and received virtual therapy both when I left my toxic relationship of 6 years and also when my most recent ex literally abandoned me over night (we also lived together and I thought we were happy until one day he broke up with me, packed up his belongings and drove away). That breakup REALLY triggered my abandonment issues. The therapy was super helpful. I think you really need to get some external help to understand why you feel these things and to develop coping mechanisms, as this kind of thing (breakups) may occur several more times in the future before you find the one who sticks. Finally, please, please, please block him on Facebook. DO NOT look at his social media. You are hurting only yourself. Why prolong the mental anguish? Think of it like a physical injury. If you broke a bone, would you continue using it as if it were not broken? Never receive treatment? Probably not. So stop aggravating your injury by looking at his social media and seek treatment to help you cope. Wishing you the best ❤️

To pile on, this is extremely immature. You are also older than your friend, and apparently more "experienced". You should have known that this was the wrong decision. This is not a sitcom. Flirting with your best friend's boyfriend is not likely to have positive outcomes. I'd say, if you were going to do it, you should have at least spoken to her about it JUST prior to taking action. Instead, you took action based on some conversation you had when you first met, which according to you, was probably around 3 years ago. And of course, for extra context, please consider everything that's happened just in the world in the last 3 years, a global pandemic being one of them. Also given the fact that she dated someone else before her current partner who was not subjected to the test, I think she wasn't expecting this in any way. She probably didn't even recall this conversation until you flirted with her boyfriend. I think she's rightfully upset. Although it's too late now, this action shouldn't have been taken without a direct request from Sara to do so with her current partner specifically. Anyway, the test IS always a bad idea, especially since the man's action in response can mean anything and can have completely innocent reasons behind it. He took your number, for instance, probably didn't want to, but did so in order to not upset you, the best friend of his newish girlfriend, and cause friction with him and his girlfriend. Something you might take as deceptive behavior could have completely innocent reasoning. Also, a "test" may also be passed with flying colors by the most abusive or worst partner imaginable. You are not even sure what you're testing. And if one thing is for certain, "loyalty" can't be tested by anything but time. It's always a bad idea. I wouldn't do it again with anyone's relationship.

this should be marked as the solution lol

I find it interesting that you are heartbroken from your girlfriend dry humping you. Your self-esteem seems to be entirely based on your ability or inability to get your girlfriend to have sex with you. This is the main thing underlying your current suffering, if you ask me. In any event, if she's not ready, she's not ready. Do not push her or try to coerce her into having sex before she's ready. There's often a thin blurry line between consent and rape. Don't even get close to it. Either you stay with her and be patient, wait until she's ready, or break up with her and find a partner who is ready. Those are your only options.

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. But you definitely did the right thing by leaving. She needs to heal before she can accept love from anyone. You'll move on and once you do you'll realize how much better things can be. Sure, miss the good times. But realize that another future relationship will be filled with those as well. And this possible future relationship may be devoid of "bad" times like the ones you've endured with your ex. Focus on doing things you enjoy, things that make you happy, as you embark on the journey of moving on. It takes time, but you should be able to take some comfort in the fact that you did the absolute right thing by leaving.

Short answer is yes. Like most people have already said, a lot of it comes down to physical/sexual compatibility, also mental compatibility, and personal preferences. I have even had really great sex and really bad sex with the same person, and a lot of that depended on my feelings toward that person over time.

I mean there's not much I can really add that everyone hasn't already said but this guy is an alcoholic. Huge red flag. He has sh*tty friends who insult you. Red flag. He lies to you about where he's going even though you know he's lying and he knows you know. RED FLAG. How many more red flags do you need? You've only been in this relationship for a year I would leave before it goes any further. Unless you want to deal with his alcoholism and abusiveness for years to come.

Random quotes I know, but a broad chest and shoulders = GOOD! You do seem to have a lot going for you tbh. You seem pretty intelligent, social, and fit. I agree that a good dentist, hair stylist, even a dude who works at J.Crew with an eye for fashion could probably help you out with some changes in your physical appearance that might help you at least get in the door. I also think you should think about how to approach women, and how you would take it from a first date to beyond that with a woman you like. It seems to me like you've been trying hard to meet women and date, but it also seems to me like you've never liked a woman enough to pursue anything serious with her. Besides all the stuff I've said already, I think you should cast your net wider, and look for compatible women in different places. Join a more serious dating app than Tinder. Have friends set you up (sorry if this has been suggested already or if you've already tried this).

I think I agree with this. Mostly because there is a child involved now, and they are going to do what they are going to do based on that. My best friend lives on the other side of the country from me and it has been like this for almost a decade. I hardly have had the time (or money) to visit her. She has 2 kids and a husband. She had the first when we were very young and I was around for that. I was able to visit her right before she had the 2nd. After the 2nd, her marriage to her husband began falling apart, as he tends to be controlling and selfish. There was even a time where I was encouraging her to divorce him because I thought he was abusing her. Long story short. They are still married. I have a lot of problems with this still. I'm like you, I have plenty of other friends with children who are able to take trips to see friends (she has never once come to visit me), or at least are able to maintain a social life outside of their families. My best friend seems virtually incapable of doing this. However, after she decided to reconcile with her husband and try to make the marriage work, I realized I needed to back off. I still don't really like her husband. In fact, I used to be friends with him and knew him quite well, as they have been together since we were in high school. Now, I don't talk to him at all. We are not friends on social media. I could care less about how he feels about anything. But I also recognize that she made a choice to be with him and work on their marriage, and I support her in that. As much as I want her to come visit me, as much as I want to be able to go visit her whenever I want, as much as I want her to have her own life outside of her children and recognize she is her own person and not simply a wife and mother, etc. I have to accept and respect her decision. I think it ultimately causes her deep unhappiness. The best I can do is try to support her in all the ways I can and guide her to find that inner happiness without causing more friction in her life. I don't think you need to step back from this connection. You just need to learn to navigate it. That will come with time, and sometimes it might be uncomfortable. But a friendship that has been that long should be cherished. I still talk to my best friend every day. Hope this helps and I hope things get better!

You said it yourself, you are not ready for a relationship. You need to do a lot of work to get yourself in a place mentally where this won't affect you. You're only 20 so, as far as dating goes, the women you date going forward are likely to have as much experience as your current GF or more (as you get older). It shouldn't be about "catching up" in experience for you though. You may never, and it doesn't matter anyway how many partners your partner has had in the past. What matters is your compatibility with your partner. I honestly have never asked about past partners. I honestly don't even know how many people I have slept with in my life and it has not been very many at all. But I don't keep count. What's the purpose of keeping count? Only immature people would do that, in my opinion. You just need to work on accepting yourself and gaining the self-confidence you will need for these types of things not to matter to you. I think it's not fair for either you or your current GF to remain in that relationship while you are harboring a sort of resentment against her. It will only end badly.

Okay, what's your fitness regimen like? Personally (I'm a 31/F) even if a man has an average face, if he has a nice body, that's a huge pull. Also, I really think it probably has a lot to do with how you're presenting yourself. It's hard to know because I can't see you physically. But maybe consider changing up your clothing style, hair style, w/e. Be very engaging when you're talking to women. Compliment them but not excessively, and when possible, compliment them on things they probably don't get complimented on a lot. Have interesting things to talk about. Also if you have a good sense of humor, try to be funny, tell jokes.

Yes this is what I was getting at with my responses before regarding having an excuse/response for everything and being lax about your approach. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy it seems.

You said he is not currently on medication. Has he ever been on medication? It sounds like he could be clinically depressed, and possibly also suffering from other possible mental ailments, such as sociopathy. I know this seems dramatic, but either way, your husband should see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. It can be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone like your husband (as I'm sure you are well aware), so I hope you have a good support system outside of your husband!

Well honestly, your post was unclear and all over the place which made and still makes it difficult to determine what you're so confused about? Tbh it sounds like he just wants to be friends, possibly to hookup, but not really take you on a proper date. Your confusion as to how a "Thank you" or similar text turned into weeks of conversation back and forth texting - that's because you kept texting him back and forth. I mean there's nothing really confusing there. If you know that men your age prefer to text, then how are you confused when that is what they do? I guess I'm confused as to why you're confused.

LOL no but your responses really do go to my point that you have a reason/excuse/response for everything. We are trying to get to the bottom of things and give you some usable advice and you're just like, "I've tried it all and nothing has worked or will ever work, why are you asking me all these questions" All I can say is that, again, I've seen both subjectively ugly people find partners and average people with subjectively bad personalities find partners. You seem to have a decent personality. If you're really "ugly" that shouldn't stop you from having partners. It is something about what you're doing. How you're presenting yourself. How do you typically show women you're interested in them beyond just being friends?

yes this was my sense - she came here for validation of some kind

then stop texting him lol I really don't understand the purpose of this post

In some ways, it seems like you're being a little lax about it. You say you ask women out, etc., but how does it go? What are they saying? What do you do after they respond? Have you ever actually been interested in a woman enough to like pursue her and begin a long-term relationship? To me, it sounds like you meet a woman and you're kinda like "oh this seems decent" and then maybe you make a move that is rebuffed at first and then you're like *shoulder shrug* I guess I'm just ugly. And then you sit down and write essays about how no one will date you. I think it probably either has to do with the way you're going about it or the way you're presenting yourself. It's hard to tell because you seem to have an excuse or reason for everything and in the end it all points to you just giving up. I've seen even the subjectively ugliest people and people with the worst personalities find partners.

What are you interests and hobbies? How do other people in your area meet friends?

It's sad that it has come to this. Hopefully you guys can eventually patch up your friendship, if that's something you want. Otherwise, just be courteous if you run into her. There's no sense in hanging onto any anger or resentment or other negative feelings.

IDK, a lot of this seems more like your own projection of your own feelings and infatuation for this woman onto her. It seems clear to me from skimming your post that she was never interested in anything serious with you. Even the thing with the surprise ring - she was trying to postpone or discourage you from giving it to her by her actions and words, especially - "get me drunk then tell me what the surprise is". She literally needed to be drunk to handle what she was expecting to come next. That's not a good sign. Sure, maybe she enjoyed some of the time you spent together. Mostly because you gave her a lot of attention and doted on her. I am guessing you paid for all her drinks, too. She liked the attention, she liked the free meals/drinks/etc. Otherwise, it doesn't look like she was every in the mood for anything serious and possibly was leading you on for some time. There's no relationship here. Try to find someone whose in a similar stage in life as you are.

Just curious how many women you've actually asked on dates in person?

Why in the world would you remain in a relationship with someone who is disgusted at the thought of marrying you, has a laundry list of reasons NOT to marry you, and told them to your face. This is immature behavior at the very least. Abusive as well. I mean look what it's doing to your mental wellbeing. This relationship has reached its endpoint, and that is clear, because he is literally telling you to your face that he refuses to take the relationship any further than where it currently is. If you want anything more from a relationship, such as marriage, I would leave immediately. This is my sense, too. You need to stop looking for your worth in the vision of others. Your worth--whether you're "good enough"--should come from inside of you. Once you know your own self-worth, you'll attract men who appreciate it and encourage your growth. This is what people say when they are in a toxic relationship with someone they don't see a real future with, but their lives are so intertwined or they've been together so long that it's difficult to leave. I used to say very similar things to an ex-boyfriend of mine who was similarly toxic and mentally abusive to me, but who wanted me to marry him. I didn't want to be married, I thought. But really, I just didn't want to be married to HIM. It wasn't until I left him (after SIX years) and met someone else that I realized how different things could be and developed a desire to find a husband. To me, when someone says this, it's a huge indicator that your relationship is over or near its end. You don't share the same goals or plans for the future at the very least.