moodindigo91

Thank you for this!

Also I feel like I should mention (1) he was never MY teacher but he teaches the legal writing seminar which is why I reached out to him to him. I reached out to several other attorneys for feedback. (2) I didn't know he was married until we went for coffee and I saw his ring. I think I only got uncomfortable when he randomly ordered me ice cream bc men only buy me things when they're interested in me lol in my experience anyway

I mean. How did you think I reached out to him for feedback on my paper 😂 it was all professional until I graduated and he asked me to get some coffee. But I appreciate this reply because it's not insinuating that I'm a naive moron who fell in love with some teacher because he got her ice cream lol but yeah I don't know his wife but I am a very transparent person and prefer that type of communication from others. I think I'm just going to cool it on responding to texts and see what happens.

Maybe you are right that I'm imagining an affair like attraction from him because of all the stress but I do have to reiterate I'm not interested in him at all. Also, I really don't need his attention. I get a lot of attention and most of it is unwanted. I was asked out on a date from a random guy at the gym the first time I went there. I don't want to date right now. But I do want good friends, especially now in my life when I'm feeling extremely low. I do think I am overthinking this now that I've read some of your responses

I'm not looking for anything at all except for a job 😂 I enjoy our conversations and friendship, but in every situation I've been in where I got close to a male friend, he ended up making a move on me. I don't think this is me being vain or me falling for him either. I'm definitely not interested in this guy other than just being friends. Not only do I not want to date right now but I am simply not physically attracted to him. As far as mentioning his wife. Idk. I find it odd because he's mentioned his parents, siblings, and his two dogs. He does not mention her when he talks about travel plans, his birthday celebration, etc. Maybe it isn't odd though. Either way, I don't really text him personal things. I explained my situation when we met for coffee because I was leaving town like the following week. Texting has been daily since then though and I am typically an open book and I'm not going to try to change myself just to have conversations with this guy. I think the dynamic is weird. I have a lot of married friends and it hits differently than this feels. "It is already clear you like him more than that." I'll have to staunchly disagree on this lol in all honesty, I'm living on a couch, have no money, still love my stupid ex boyfriend and if I had a crush on anyone else, it's not this guy, it's another one 😂 either way I'm not in a mindset to contemplate feelings or a relationship with other people. I barely have my life together. I just don't want to continue cultivating a friendship that is going to become either a complicated mess one day or is going to end up being nothing at all. That seems pointless to me and I hate feeling like just a remedy in people's lives. Maybe I'm over thinking it haha

Hi guys! I was just curious on this group's thoughts on this friendship that randomly came into my life. As many know, I just graduated law school somewhat recently. I recently reached out to a legal writing professor to read my scholarly writing and talk about publishing it. So we met on Zoom and he offered handy advice while I was still a student. He kept in touch by email to check in after that. After I graduated, he invited me to get some coffee. He drove down to where I was living at the time and we had coffee. He is married. He wore his wedding ring. He is probably decade or less older than me, but I have siblings his age so it kind of feels like that vibe to me. Anyway. We met for coffee once. Shortly after that, I moved out of that city to another one temporarily. But ever since then, we've been texting like daily. And sometimes it gets personal (at least I can, because I'm an open book) but he doesn't divulge much of his own personal life. He opens up a little more as time goes. But, he has never mentioned his wife to me. I haven't asked about it either although I know he knows I know he is married and he didn't try to hide it or anything like that. Anyway. I don't know. We have a lot in common and I enjoy our conversations. But he does compliment me a lot, and even ordered some ice cream for me in my current city for me to pick up. He says our conversations have helped him recently. I have been struggling myself due to a recent breakup and having to move and a bunch of stuff. So I've been enjoying our conversations myself. I just wonder why he wouldn't mention his wife and if that should worry me. I don't want to unintentionally cause any drama for someone. Part of me feels like I should just let the friendship blossom and be what it is but part of me is concerned. I wonder if this concern is justified. I love getting feedback from you guys about this crap 😂

Yes! Thank you!! I completely agree. Mindfulness is what helps me with this. Last night upon receiving it I was a bit taken aback but after some time processing it I feel pretty comfortable not responding at all and just accepting this as something that happened. Tbh I think his intentions were well meaning I just think he doesn't recognize how selfish or inappropriate it is. Either way, it's not something I want to make the space for. I have flipped through the book! Believe me I have read 2.5 self help books since the breakup 😂 the one he sent is just not really applicable to me IMO. He seems to think we are going on similar journeys of like self discovery or something but I've been on this journey since my early-20s and he's just now starting out. I'm in the fulfillment stage. He's in the creation phase. That's how I see it anyway

Yes! He's made so many remarks that indirectly say this. Like I've always struggled with depression, in the letter he said he misses our little family unit (him, me and my dog) even though it was "often stressful". Idk. I love and accept myself for who I am, including the bouts of depression I sometimes go through. I recognize that I will not always be happy all the time and that this isn't even desirable. This is something he's clearly struggling with because it seems like he's trying to cure himself instead of focusing on simply changing the things about him that are holding him back and accepting and loving himself for who he is. Yes I've done this. Unfollowed everyone and made my social media private, blocked him. He has my number but I'll be getting a new phone soon. And he also has my address now bc he used to live here with me but I'll be moving out in 2 weeks. He left so he should be gone! My friend even said that the trip to Greece was a way to make it difficult for me to get over him too bc he likely knew at that point that he wasn't serious about committing to me. And he knew (rightly or wrongly) that I had expectations of a proposal and stuff. I think this is probably correct.

Yesssss and honestly it's insulting that he thinks I need like all kinds of help to get over this break up. Like has it been difficult? Yes. Am I on the floor crying uncontrollably because he left? No. And a lot of my tears since he left have stemmed from just the stress of trying to get a job and take the Bar and sell furniture and move. Like I think psychology is great. But sometimes I think people get a little too tied up in trying to diagnose psychological problems in themselves and others to the point where it makes real connection nearly impossible. You don't need self-help or therapy or childhood trauma healing lol you just need to grow the *** up and be a man. No amount of therapy will do that for you. Just seems to me like he really just doesn't want me to forget him for some reason. But unfortunately for him the process of forgetting has already begun 😂

Random but I jotted down a quick response letter I will never send in my journal and it was cathartic: Dear B, Thank you for the package. While it was nice to hear from you, I think it is best that we no longer contact one another. I am truly happy to hear you're doing well. I want nothing but continued improvement for you. However, like you, I need to focus on myself. You told me when you left that I needed to be okay with the possibility of never seeing or hearing from you again, so do you. Unfortunately, I no longer think of you the same way. I'm sure you can imagine. The things you said (even in the letter) and did have completely changed the way I see you. This is not to say that I only see you negatively. I love you - but I cannot be anything to you anymore, nor do I want to be. I deserved better than what you gave me and I still do. You left me absolutely broken with a mess to clean for no other reason than that you are selfish. I gave you the best of me and you tossed it in the trash. It really doesn't matter anymore that you dream of me, or have positive memories. I'm glad. But of course you would. I gave you my all, and you gave me half that. Unfortunately, while I too cherish our memories and the good times, what you did reflects who you TRULY are, and it was an absolutely FINAL decision and act. Yes, you caused me sleepless nights. I cannot forgive you. At least not yet. My heart was shattered. I am not sure you really understand how deep my love was for you and how I've had to plunge into those depths to try to heal myself from the gaping hole you left. I don't need therapy or self-help (which is kind of insulting btw). I don't need to do inner work or heal childhood traumas. I am hurt by what YOU did and I have every right to feel that way. I truly wish you the best of everything. However, you made the decision to leave my life. I only ask that you adhere to the decision you made.

Yes I think I'll drop it in one of the little neighborhood libraries! I'm sure it will be useful to someone

Lol yes my brother (before he knew that my ex already had one for himself) told me to send the book back to him with a note that said "I think you need this more than me" 😂

Lol! Right my thought is that February was Valentine's day, also my dog's birthday (he was with us since she was a puppy) and also I took the Bar exam so it makes sense that he'd be thinking of me in my head but I still think it is inappropriate to send me a package like this! I've been chugging through the feelings of missing him sometimes mostly by reminding myself that he literally ditched me and left me with a mess that I'm still trying to clean up. Man, it's sad. It really is all about him and he like has no clue how he is coming off as extremely selfish. He probably really thinks he's like doing me a favor or something.

Haha idk. I handed it to him in person and never asked for a response. I even said this was going to be my last goodbye, and that he knows how I prefer to write than speak. That was in January. And HE left telling me (even though I never asked or implied anything of the sort) that I had to be okay with possibly never seeing or talking to him again lol I was like okay I will be as soon as you leave and stop coming back 😂

Thanks guys 🤗 this is all the stuff I needed to hear. You're so right. I knew it was weird and inappropriate!!! The book is not something I'd ever read anyway. Seems more and more selfish to me as time goes on.

Just kidding. But I posted maybe a few weeks ago about how a package for my ex arrived here and I just sent it back and it went swell. I still haven't talked to him. But today, I got a package FROM my ex. It was outside my door when I went to take my dog out this evening. I shook it and it sounded it a book. I have all my books. So I opened it and it contained a book, some self-help book about "deep work" and a note about how he accidentally ordered two and I was the first he thought to share it with (even though you can literally return Amazon packages with no fee and little effort). It also contained a very old shirt of mine with stains on it that he knew I only used as a gym shirt and that I literally forgot I owned. And also in there, was a letter. Idk what to think? Or if I should respond? I am not sure why he would do this. I've literally thrown away any extra little thing I've found here including t-shirts he left behind (sorry not sorry). Today was already a kind of rough day for me. After I read the letter I just cried a bunch. I put it away so I don't keep rereading it and trying to analyze every word. This is the only contact we've had since he came to pick up the last of his stuff. He says in his letter he felt compelled to "return the favor" because I gave him a short letter the last time we saw each other in person which, in summary, basically said I don't understand this but I respect his decision and I hope he learns to love himself as I loved him and that's it, really. It's not like I sent him a random letter. My inclination is not to respond at all. But there's definitely part of me that wants to. I have been struggling with missing him lately. Is this weird? This is weird right? Lol

I just wanted to say that I think it is really not okay for you to be reaching out to my friends on Instagram and having packages delivered here. You made your choice to leave and you left. That includes everything. Me. The dog. My friends. Everything. They aren't your friends. You left, so stay out of my life please. It isn't fair for you to do what you're doing. I need to be able to heal. Please stop talking to my friends. Unfollow them. My friends. My family. I want you out of my life completely. No trace of you. You owe it to me to grant me this. You wanted to leave, so leave please.

Should have blocked him right when you broke up. Idk if I would call this toxic, or even a game. He probably might genuinely care and want to be friends. But you can't be friends with him clearly because you'll get attached, and he won't return the feelings you want him to have for you, and the cycle will continue. I would just block block block.

Interesting. It's hard to say really bc none of us were there but honestly if someone had whispered something to someone else that was clearly about me based on the reaction of the recipient, I would be interested in knowing what was said. Could be just that kind of curiosity. Bc it doesn't sound like she came onto him directly or even impliedly (or am I just misreading?). Whispering to a third party doesn't exactly scream flirting to me.

This post oozes with toxicity lol Sorry but when I was with my toxic ex I used to say stuff like our relationship was "passionate" which in toxic speak means we fight all the time and sometimes they got physical but in my mind that was okay because when we loved it was just as passionate. Your "explosive" sexual chemistry is probably much the same. It's mostly in your mind is my guess. You find it compelling to identify yourself as disordered or alpha female or in some other way not "normal" because you like to partner yourself with unavailable men who treat you like crap which is interesting in itself. Sorry if this is harsh but I'm in a mood today to serve it like it is lol these labels you want to ascribe to yourself mean absolutely nothing. I'd really sit down and think about why you feel you need to be this person who only dates men who she knows can't actually give her anything but "explosive sex" (which you can probably just pay for these days lol).

He moved to another state and didn't leave me an address 😂 I put return to sender on it and left it for the mailman. That's all the action I am taking haha And thank you! I need it!

I would check out some domestic abuse clinics at local family court houses or something. They may be able to help you figure out if you can take any legal action against her or at the very least set up a restraining order so that she can no longer harass you in this way.

This is more of a vent than anything. But my ex left me back in December. I've been going through a lot since then including getting over this relationship, studying for the bar, caring for my dog, trying to find a place to live and a job, etc. The breakup itself was already annoying protracted because he had to come back a bunch of times to get more things that he left behind which made it hard to me to make any progress in getting over the relationship until the last time he came. I have been no contact ever since and I've made lots of progress. But today I was annoyed when I opened my mailbox this morning after walking the dog and found a package addressed to him inside. He moved out over 2 months ago! I'm sure it was a mistake but I feel like it has been long enough that this mistake shouldn't happen anymore in my opinion. Anyway. Luckily I don't feel set back by it but I made sure he's blocked on all modes of communication because I don't want to hear from him lol Blah!

He might really feel like he loves you. He sounds like a codependent. He doesn't love himself, or have an identity outside of being in relationships with others. He hasn't healed his wounds from the abuse he suffered. He can't be in a relationship with you and give you the love you deserve until he makes at least some affirmative steps toward healing himself. That is probably why he couldn't commit. He knows this inside, but he also loves you and knows that he may lose you forever by letting you walk away. But, the reality is, if you got into a relationship, he'd probably lose you forever anyway except there would have been a lot of confusing, anxious experiences in between, a deeper attachment formed, and resentment built up. I would say, maybe there's a chance this works out in the future, but you made the right decision by walking away at this point. I wouldn't take it personally.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something similar. I lived with my boyfriend and we were together for two years and we were very happy. Only a few reservations. He left me a few days before Christmas. Packed his stuff and drove to another state. He didn't give me a clear answer. He said he loved me at first. But then he began acting cold toward me. I haven't heard from him. This is the most painful thing I've ever been through because I'm having a hard time understanding it. He seemed happy with me. But I think he must have been pretending. I hope you'll get through this but unfortunately it requires us to let go of getting answers. They made their decisions. We have to move on.