moodindigo91

*** it. You guys know me. You can read my posts. Whatever. My boyfriend, the one everyone said was a manchild, left me 😂 he packed his *** in his car and left and I haven't heard from him since. I am numb. I am lonely. I am sad. I feel so unworthy of any love. I don't understand why I give so much to people and I end up alone anyway. I feel absolutely horrible. I cry every morning because I'm left here with all our things. Idk. Why can't I find my life partner? 😥 That is literally all I want. Everyone always leaves.

Thanks! The last time I saw my doc, they said I was extremely healthy, as usual. But it has been several years!! I def need to go back. I definitely rely a bit on marijuana at this point despite the fact that it doesn't really help. I guess it increases my apathy. Hard to stop using. But I have done it before so I can do it again. I was working out every day until recently and was experiencing less anxiety attacks for sure! This is all good advice. Like I know it all but it just helps to hear it haha

Thank you! I actually just had a virtual therapy session via BetterHelp (thanks to a podcast discount lol) on Saturday and it was helpful but, you know, it was my first session and we did not get very deep. I have never been to a GP for anxiety, however. I have been self-medicating with marijuana products for years, but its efficacy has worn off over time. I have a dog so I do take her outside to walk her often but sometimes I have trouble even doing that, and I'll just take her out solely so she can use the bathroom and then come back inside. It helps a lot! And it helps a lot to know I am not alone, I guess that is the point of this entire website lol

Just curious. I've been experiencing a huge increase in anxiety attacks and physical manifestations of my anxiety, namely, sweating, trembling, insomnia, loss of appetite, etc. Just curious what other people do when they have anxiety attacks that helps them! Not looking for critiques, just personal experiences.

I echo what basically everyone else has said. I had an ex who did the same thing, he responded to ads on Craigslist and had a dating profile on a dating website (this was before tinder) and he literally still lied to my face about it when I confronted him 😂 I stayed with that man for several more years and it was horrible! Block him on all social media, block his number, run away. Nothing good can come of this I promise. Count yourself lucky you found out he's a lying cheater now before it got any further!

Honestly you should have left when he still had feelings for his ex. Coming from a woman who has spent the majority of her time in relationships with deadbeats, this guy is not it. You shouldn't think of sticking around and "working through" things and falling in love with a man who told you up front he had feelings for someone else as noble. Don't waste any more time with this guy. Kinda sounds like you were a rebound that he got comfortable with. He will stay with you until he finds the woman he falls in love with. Don't wait around for that lol

Well, I think a degree in psychology would translate very well into a career dealing with spirituality or meditation. Honestly you can do a lot with either of those things if you are creative enough and consistent enough. For meditation, you can start trying out meditation retreats where you learn with seasoned meditators. You can start a blog, Tik Tok, IG, etc. Sam Harris is a neuroscientist and he made a meditation app. A degree in psychology can help you explain to people the positive effects of meditation on the mind or brain. I mean, you don't even need a degree in psychology. Just really think hard about what you would enjoy doing every day when you get up in the morning, then make a plan to achieve that. If that plan doesn't include finishing school, then that's fine! As long as you stay consistent and work hard toward your goal. You may need to do some research!

LOL yes excuse me for taking time to build a solid career and foundation for myself at age 30 😂 is it really self centered to want a man that I love to get his *** together and propose so you can have children? if so then 95% of the world is self centered.

Yes I understand this all. I want to be married so I can have a stable, loving relationship with a man who would be a good father to my children and a good counterpart to myself. For a while, he was that man to me. I guess it's only recently that the honeymoon phase has lifted and I've been confronted with these realities and so I came here to post about it. I have received confirmation at the very least that my worries are valid, which makes me feel more steadfast.

He has applied to jobs with crypto companies. He interviewed for one and seems like he is banking on getting this job but I have told him to apply for others. Other than that, he basically said he isn't focusing on real estate at all and he is also focusing on his company he has with his friend. None of this is really solid to me. Also, he thinks he can make enough money maybe trading crypto or cashing in assets to pay for his tattoo. 🙄

I have been asking myself this and I think my answer would be no right now because I feel like a family and a stable life is out of the question. This is kind of what prompted me to post here. A lot of my friends love him and us together so it's hard to get good opinions.

Hm. I think we had the fight after the wedding. That is the first time I really started looking at the viability of our relationship. Until then, I was happy and thought we were still on track for marriage. After that, we decided the main issue was his lack of direction. So he's been working on that in many ways. We had already paid for our Greece trip so we went on that and I thought it might change some things (also thought there was a slim chance of a proposal). When we came back, I had school like the very next day. At this point I'm afraid I will diminish my chances of passing the Bar in Feb if I need to change my whole life around again. And, as I said, I'm unsure what he wants. I at least want to hear from him directly he's not wanting marriage anymore. So idk. I honestly dk what to do now lol

Yes. I haven't asked him directly if he still wants marriage yet, but I did ask him and continually ask him how he plans to make money and what he wants to do with his life. His focus is on crypto trading right now. I was going to ask about marriage after I finished school and took the Bar. I do agree that I feel like I deserve to know these things.

Haha yeah I think you're right probably. He's helped me a lot throughout school. But that doesn't make him marriage material. When we first got together, he seemed like he wanted to be married. Now, it doesn't feel that way to me. I generally do enjoy my life with him. But, I do realize that our futures don't seem to align anymore. I think they did at first. Or at least he had me thinking they did. Maybe he thought they did! It has only been the last couple of years that I decided I wanted marriage and children. I think I have considered giving up on it to be content but it does keep me up at night. He literally told me he would not propose to me on a big trip and then he didn't, idk why I think he'll propose any time in the future. Especially when it's clear he'd rather buy himself ***. It's just frustrating. I invested time and energy into this and it really took a lot of my energy to contribute to this relationship in addition to law school and my dog, not to mention the death of a friend and my mother having cancer. It has been rough. So idk. I feel frustrated that's all lol

Yes LOL I mean I wouldn't care where he proposed if he proposed, but this trip came at a specific time. When we first got together we said we'd get married after I was done with law school if we were still together. We are still together, I am graduating in December & taking the Bar in February. The trip was just last month, so it would have been the right time to propose if we planned to be married after I graduate. Plus, this trip was important for me because I studied ancient Greece in college. So, there was a lot of expectation there, and he basically told me not to expect anything before we went. This was also MY first trip abroad and OUR first trip abroad together. So, kind of disappointing.

Yes, I think this is really on point. I don't see him as a moocher and he definitely did not get into this relationship to mooch off of me since I quit my job and have had little to no income of my own our entire relationship. I pay my bills using student loans right now, any extra income I have earned clerking has been marginal at best. BUT he does definitely want to live somewhere where his money would enable him to live like a wealthy person (like Greece for sure). Don't get me wrong, I'd love to live abroad part of the year, but I wouldn't do it unless I had the wherewithal to do so. My boyfriend is definitely more accustomed to living a certain lifestyle and he has never really had to work for it. I grew up poor, so obviously I didn't grow up with this expectation. I don't think there's anything wrong with him, really. If I grew up that way, I'd probably think very similarly to him. There is part of me that wonders why it is that I want to be married so badly in the first place or if I'm shallow. A lot of my friends are in long-term relationships with their boyfriends who do not propose and even have children with them in some cases. I don't know if I'm just desiring things that really make no difference?

LOL probably the last one. I appreciate it, but my current bf and my ex are nothing alike. My current bf is simply spoiled. My ex was bipolar without meds and abusive, toxic and controlling. Not the same.

LOL! Well, when I met current bf, the image was different. He's treated me wonderfully. He was working very hard. I wondered how he was paying his bills because it didn't seem like the company was profitable yet (they are now, thanks in large part to him). When we first met, he seemed like a man who had his *** together. It was not until relatively recently that I realized how deep in his father's pockets he is. I mean, I still don't know the full extent of it. But yes, I am not looking for a fixer upper man which is why I'm at this cross roads here because it seems like this is what I have here. It's just annoying bc I feel like I told him up front and made clear all along what I wanted. So how is it that I'm supposed to find a good man if they all seem to pretend to be something other than what they are!

I am 30/F and my boyfriend is turning 32 next month. We've been together a little over 2 years now. We've been living together in some form for a little over 1 year. For some context, we met right when I was in a transition period in my life. I was in the process of leaving my job to start law school and I got a new puppy. I gave him the following warnings before we even started seeing each other: (1) I was about to start law school, and would be very busy & focused on that, (2) I have a puppy that needs virtually all of my attention outside of law school, (3) I wasn't really looking to just *** around & get into situationships because I'm at a point in my life where I am looking for the man I am going to marry and have a family with. With all that, we started seeing each other non-exclusively, and then we went exclusive. We moved pretty quickly after that. We both agreed that if we could make it through me being in law school for 3 years, we could get married after that, but no time before that. So anyway, as you can imagine. I've been busy with school. I have also held several jobs here and there clerking for firms. He hasn't had like a regular job since I've known him. He works for a company his friend started from home. When we first met, he was very productive and working very hard on it. COVID hit, and things slowed down. He stopped working as hard. He has been all over the place as to what it is he wants to do for a career. I never really asked about money, because he always pays his half of the bills. I kind of figured, we're not married so Idc where his money comes from as long as he pays the bills. Anyway, I always kind of suspected his dad foots his bills, and come to find out, that's true. He seems to be constantly spending money. He recently got his real estate license and was signed with a luxury real estate office, but he almost never goes to the office or the trainings and has not been apart of any transactions. He wants to become a full-time crypto-trader I think. Anyway, backtracking to a few months ago, we attended my old roommate's wedding together and ON THE WAY home, he tried to tell me maybe he wasn't getting enough out of this relationship. I was surprised because I do a lot for him. He does a lot for me. I have always felt this relationship was pretty equal. We talked a bit more, and he thinks it is because he feels bad his dad pays his rent, and he was considering going to live with his dad. He tried to bring this up with me, that maybe we should go live with one of his parents (who are divorced and live separately) in order to "save money." I refused, because that's just never been me. Anyway, we settled with me saying that I understand his feelings and that I appreciate the support he's provided to me throughout law school and I am here to provide that very same support for him to find his career. Anyway, he told me he WAS going to propose to me during our trip to Greece but probably not anymore & that he didn't have any money to buy a ring regardless (LOL). So a few months later, we took our trip to Greece. It was amazing! I loved every moment of it. He did not propose. He is constantly making it a point to tell me that living abroad at least part time is a big priority for him. I tell him, sure, but you need to have money first. I am graduating from law school in December and planning to take the Bar in February. He (although he has no money of his own right now that I am aware of except crypto assets) made an appointment to get a half sleeve in January. There is a little part of me that is kind of concerned here. I love this man to death and this is by far the best relationship I've ever been in and the happiest I've ever been. However, I am about to start my career. I'm at a point in my life where I want to get married and start a family. I do not mind living abroad part-time, even with children. My career may not enable me to do that, at least not right away. I feel, on the one hand, upset that I am not getting proposed to, and don't feel like he will propose to me. I feel, on the other hand, that maybe we want different things out of life. I'm unsure at this point whether marriage and children are among his desires. He knows for sure they're among mine. I also want to make sure he has some kind of stable income or at least a path toward one before we get married and start a family. I don't mind being the breadwinner, but we live in an expensive state and we definitely need dual income. I would feel guilty if we got married and started a family while his dad was footing all of his bills. I also hate feeling dependent on others financially. I want to discuss all this, and we have discussed this in bits and pieces, but he never really provides straight answers or voices his opinions except that he knows he needs to figure out his career, that he wants to do something in bitcoin, and that he wants to travel and/or live abroad. I'm not really sure what to do or how to move forward, but I feel kind of stuck. My plan is to not really deal with this until I am done with the Bar exam but I was just hoping I could get some outside opinions or guidance!

This thread is a godsend. No one needs to read this but here we go: I'm sorry I am hurting you right now. I'm sorry that it seems like this relationship ending feels like your life is being ruined. I never wanted it to be this way. I moved cross country three years ago to be with you, with such high hopes. That letter that you found from before I moved here proves the amount of love and aspirations I had for you and our relationship. It just didn't pan out. I spent three years uncovering lies, lying to myself, feeling unhappy, unwanted, broken. And when the day came where you finally broke up with me for real, I had to remain in that apartment with you, and resist any urge to fight or be close. I cut myself off from affection, but I cried any time I got the chance to be alone. Despite it all, we still shared amazing, happy moments. And finally one day, I woke up and decided this was the end. How could we possible go on? How could we possibly fix this? We lived together "broken up" for close to a year, just sitting in some pseudo-relationship until you decided it was time to get back together. Normally, I'd willingly accept. This time it was different. I said no. I told you my feelings changed, that I didn't trust you. I broke you. I broke myself. I don't see anyway around it anymore. We must separate. It is so difficult to watch you cry, to hear you beg, to see the pain I am causing you manifest itself on your face each and every day. You have always meant the world to me. I have always loved you. But sometimes love just isn't enough. You may be able to change. You may become the guy that would make me happy and treat me the way I deserved all those years, but I waited all those years for that to happen. It is now too late. I know you will hate me, and that breaks my heart even more. I am shattered into a thousand pieces. I feel pain and remorse for someone whose hurt me, but I spend so much time forgiving people their faults. I wish I could just walk away and feel nothing. I wish I didn't feel guilt, sadness, pain. I wish things could be different.