LynnTex

The guy's a Poacher. I don;t know why they feel compelled to go after someone who's already taken, but they do. Ego, I guess. They'll often start out by just being a "good friend." They listen to the gf/bf's complaints about the relationship, and encourage them at some point to leave by supplying some emotional support and advice about how the person needs someone who would "treat them right." The bf/gf, not being involved in an actual day to day realtionship (which will always have some degree of problems), often begins to idealize the Poacher - putting them on a pedestal because that person is not in a relationship with them in which problems arise. I'm no psychiatrist, but I've read articles that poachers are often low achievers, and that's one of the reasons they feel compelled to go after to someone who's taken. More often than not, once they actually enter into a relationship with the bf/gf, it doesn't last too long if you let it run its course. You've got to let the ex get past the hooneymoon/infatuation phase of the new relationship - then they'll often realize that the new relationship has its problems, too. And maybe they'll regret it afterwards by realizing that they threw something away for something that really wasn't any better. In the meantime, don't do anything that will push the ex away. Don't discuss your realtionship at all. Be slightly aloof, be friendly and supportive. Don;t bring up the new bf/gf at all unless the ex brings it up first. It's the exact opposite of what you want to do, but by being friendly and supportive, you lower the defenses of the ex.

Well, I can say that if the guy doesn't want a lot of headache and heartache, he's better off not dating two people he really cares about at the same time. I did it with my ex and another girl I had started dating (after my ex and I had initially broken up) for about six months, and all it did eventually was create jealousy and resentment from both. I had to deal with being torn emotionally between someone I still had love for and a history with and someone I recently started dating and was still in the infatuation phase with. I knew it was hurting them, and myself. In the end, I think it just isn't going to work. My $.02

Every state varies. For instance, in Texas, the age of consent is 17 years old. Sex with anyone under that age would be the commission of statutory rape. However, if the participants are between the ages of 14 and 16, and within 2 years of each other, then that would be an affirmative defense to statutory rape.

Try hooking your ex up with your new gf's ex, and send them on their merry way.

You could try sending her the card, but just sign it - no note or anything. You've made the contact, let her know you were thinking of her on such a special day, but you've kept it about as neutral as it could be. Just a thought.

Stay strong, becasue you definitely can - you've made it this far - and don't contact him. If he is really struggling that hard, make him be the one to make the first contact. When he does, keep it light and friendly - don't start talking about your relationship, he will see it as weak, and it will only drive him further away. I know, because I pushed my ex after our breakup to keep talking about us, and that's what happened to me.

I am right there with you. I am going through almost the exact same situation right now. I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years in April. I asked her to marry, but she said I had waited too long & that was the only reason for breaking up. She was very angry, and still is, I think. Beofre the break up, I found she had been talking to and having lunches with her ex. Even though she told me it had nothing to do with him, they are now dating, and she says she loves him. I made the mistake of calling and having relationship talks, and really screwed things up more. There is a string on the getting back together forum by my joy, that I have been reading. It has really helped to put things in persepctive, and every time I start getting ultra depressed, I go read it. Give her as much space as you can. I am really starting to believe in the NC Rule. It is as much for your benefit as hers. Spend as much time as you can with friends and doing things to take your mind off of it. Try to start dating, or at least find girls you can hang out with and go do things with. believe me - you are not alone in this.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, that's what I'm afraid of. She told me just in the last week and a half (before I started NC), that she still loved me, but didn't know if she was still in love with me. She also told me that she loved him, but "wasn't IN love with him, YET." But that I need to assume that we will never get back together. I go back and forth from one minute to the next, from agonizing depression to mustering the strength (and it takes all the strength I have) to try to repress those feelings, and not care and focus on moving on. Ultimately, I do want to get back with her someday, if I can. We have many mutual friends, so may see her in the next few weeks or months, but don't know how I should act when I do. Part of me doesn't have a lot to say to her. The other part wants to gush all my feelings out to her. Could she really be in love with this guy after only 2 months? What else can I do at this point? How should I act if I run into her?

This is my first post, and I apologize for the length. First, I have to say, I wish I had found this forum three months ago. I really would have done a lot of things diferently, and I might not be having to post at all. The thread by myjoy has been unbeleivably inspirational and therapeutic for me. Three months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of (on and off) seven years - or she broke up with me to put it more precisely. She has admitted to me that the entire reason boils down to the fact that I didn't ask her to marry her within a certain time. She had always said before that time was not an issue when we were in love, that it would eventually happen when we were ready. She then set a deadline in her mind, but didn't tell me about it (she told her friendds, who were supposed to teel thier bf's/husbands, who were then supposed to tell me. This line of communication failed, and I never got the message. (Feels like high school, and this is a 27 year old girl.) I am very outspoken about my feelings, and she is the exact opposite - we are the opposite of the stereotypical male and female in that regard. She was very young when we first started dating (19) - I'm 7 years older. I had been in a number of long term (1 or more years) relationships before. We broke up 4 different times in our relationship - the first two because of me - on the second time we were apart for about 6 months, during which I dated another girl. During that time, my gf & I maintained friendly contact (but nothing more). The other girl and I broke up, as I realized that I loved my ex, and that she was the one I wanted to be with. About the time we got back together, she suddenly started dating another guy. This went on for a couple of months, during which she would go out on a date with him, but after getting home, call me and ask me to come over and spend the night. She and I became exclusive again a while later, and we moved in together for about 6 months. I stupidly still maintained a friendship with the other girl I had dated before (out of stubborness that I could still be just friends with her). My gf thought there was more to it, and started setting up lunches and evenings out with the girls where she could meet up with the same old bf. 4 months into our living together, I bought an engagement ring (Oct.), and planned on asking her to marry in a month or two (I wanted to pick a special date, like near Christmas or New Years). However, I knew she was still talking to this other guy, so was a little hesitant. About 1 1/2 months after I bought the ring, she said she wanted to move out becuase she thought I still wanted to be with the other girl. I explained to her that she was the one I loved, and that I had already bought a ring, but she was already set on leaving. I asked if it had anything with the ex-bf - "No we're just friends, I don't want to date him." The day after she moved out, he was over at her house, and 2 days later, he was spending the night in her hotel room with her while out of town for business. After 3 months, I convinced her that I did want to marry her, and we got back together, but again, she still continued to maintain contacts with the other guy. I needed a little time to get over the last time she was with him before I was ready again to commit to marriage. Since Jan, she had been clearly mad about something, but refused to tell me, although I asked repeatedly. For all I knew it was work, or family or something. Finally one night in May, after she had left the house, she came back extremely upset and crying saying she wanted to know why I hadn't asked her to marry her. I told her that the only reasons were that she didn't talk to me about her feelings, which is one of the most important things in a realtionship, and that I also knew, again that she was having lunch with the ex-bf again, and talking to him on the phone. She said she didn;t, but I called her on it and asked to get her cell phone. Then she said "we're just friends, I just talk to him, that's it." I said that it had to stop - why would I ask her to marry when she keeps talking to her ex? I had decided to ask her to marry on her birthday, which was last month, June 21. However, before that, I found out that she had made plans to see him for happy hour one Friday, which she lied to me about. The next day, we got in an argument, and I pushed her - she needed to decide right then stay with me and know we would marry, or go with him. She said she didn't want to be with him, they were just friends, but that she had decided when I didn't ask her to marry on New Years, that she just didn't care anymore, and so wanted to break up. I didn;t call her for a week - but then we went to lunch, and I told her how much I loved her, that I wanted no one else to ever wake up next to, no one else holding my children's hand - and gave her her ring and asked her to marry me - she said she couldn't, that I had waited too long. I again asked if the other guy had anything to do with it, she said no. 2 weeks later, she was spending the night at his house. Still, she would go do things, would always return calls and e-mails, ask me to help her fix up her house, etc, let me put my arm around her at the movies or when watching tv, but never let me kiss her (even when borken up over the years, she always at least gave me a peck on the lips). I did the wrong thing - I pushed talking about our relationship, sent her flowers, told her I loved her all that time. She told me I always encouraged her to be herself, to expand her horizens, to be independent - that I was never overbearing or domineering. And yet, I "just don"t bring out the best in her." She went to a wedding with me about 3 weeks ago, and on the way home said the ex-bf had confessed his love to her and that they were going to start sein each other. He had always wanted to be with her before, but was afraid of getting hurt (he's been divorced for 3 years, his ex-wife still lives 5 blocks away, and they share a 4 year old son who is autistic), and that was why he hadn't dated anybody since his divorce (I know this isn;t true). He has told her in at least 4 discussions that he doesn't want to get married again, and doesn;t want any more kids (autism has a genetic component, dominant in the male [X] chomosone, so there's a very high risk of it in another child, or other developmental problems). She has always wanted kids - that was part of why she though I was taking too long - but told a friend she would be willing to sacrifice kids for someone she could be "eternally happy with." Since then she spends the night with him about 4 times a week. This has absolutely devastated me - this is the only girl I've ever loved enought to decide I wanted to marry. I have been seeing a therapist about my depression (she sees the same one, though not as often). I made mistakes early in the breakup - but since finding this site, have started NC. I have really tried to start being positive about her - she says she's happy, so I should be glad of that. I am going out on some dates, but nothing serious - and I don't really want it to be at this point. I am now getting where I am bitter about her not telling me her feelings in time for me to address them. As much as I truly love her, what she's doing now makes it almost impossible to imagine getting back with her, sometimes, although my heart wants nothing more than to still be with her. Does this sound like a rebound for her? Is there anything I can/should do to possibly win her back, or is it really too late? What else can I do to work though the pain of this? It is three months later, and every day is still a struggle. Again, sorry this is so long, but I didn't know how to explain it in a less lengthy way.