Tinydance

Look I think that as a man in his 30's who has a full-time job and his own place, what you need is assertiveness and the ability to just say "no". You don't live with your parents, they don't financially support you. I think your issues lie with the fact that you just can't say no to them, or in general. You could read some articles online about how to be more assertive. I even have a self help book about that at home. If you don't want to do something then I think you just need to be honest. There's no harm at all I just being upfront and saying how you really feel and what you really want. You don't need to constantly be a people pleaser.

Do you live in countries that are close to each other? What are the COVID restrictions in your countries like at the moment? I actually think that if you do talk to this woman online or in Zoom meetings or anything like that, that you could probably tell her you like her. But if you don't really talk to her much then I think that makes it tricky. I think maybe before telling her how you feel you might need to have more conversations with her and build more connections.

Hi 🙂 Have you found anything insightful on the forum? Lol

Well I actually think that just physical or sexual attraction and a "spark" or "connection" are actually not necessarily the same thing. I think that real click and connection is what the start of possibly falling in love is and that's what's needed to develop the relationship. You can still be attracted to people or at least objectively think they're hot but yet in terms of that real connection, something may be missing. I've actually been in the same position myself before. Quite a few years ago I began dating a guy who's really good-looking. I'm not trying to be up myself but he really is. Six foot tall, very handsome and on top of that actually a really nice guy with a Master's Degree. He really liked me and wanted to date me. One thing that wasn't helping me also was that I was 30 and my mother was badly on my case "to find someone". Her friend who has me on Facebook saw photos of the guy and I and sent to my Mum. My Mum then began to go on about how attractive he is and sounds like such a good catch and aren't I lucky to have a guy like him into me? And certainly I thought he was attractive but in terms of actually feeling something, it just wasn't coming and I just didn't know why. My Mum seemed to be asking, what's wrong with me? Why don't I like him? And I wondered the same. I thought if I tried harder, if I dated him more, if I slept with him and kissed him I was going to actually feel something. Nope. But I actually did really like him as a person and I liked everything about him. I just couldn't love him. I think sometimes we just don't know what it is that gives us those feelings. They're either there or they're not. I'm sure that girl did think you're attractive and you're a great guy and she was really trying. But she just wasn't your girl. Your girl is still out there! Go get her lol

Well if it was me, I'd be like, what the heck, it's the 21st Century and a woman can make the first move and tell the man she loves him! I'm a very "wear my heart on my sleeve" person so I always tell people how I feel about them. I think just say "I love you". If he feels it he should find it very easy to say it back! If he can't say it back then I think you might have a bit of an issue there lol

Well maybe you did love her initially and wanted the relationship to work, but I guess now you don't feel that way anymore. I don't think you should feel guilty that your feelings have changed. I guess this is why sometimes people break up - because it just wasn't meant to be and not everything lasts. If you care for your girlfriend but you don't have any desire to be intimate, to me that sounds like the care is more just friendship. There are different types of love and I think you can still love people as a friend or like a brother or sister, but it's not romantic love. Also you're allowed to change your mind that now you may want kids. One of my male friends seven years ago said he doesn't want kids. Then he became a school teacher and now he's all "kids this, kids that" and now he decided he really wants them. People change sometimes and it sounds like you've just changed. My advice would be to not prolong this relationship any longer if you don't want to be in it. The sooner you end it, the sooner your girlfriend can begin to heal and move on. And she can find someone else. Surely there are men out there who can be in love with her and actually sexually desire her. I think it's only fair that you allow her to find that.

I think that's a very valid concern. And I actually wouldn't say he "might" try something. I'd say he's already trying it!

I know you guys are all young people and I'm nearly 37 so I'm actually not sure what the dating culture is like now with Generation Z lol However to me this whole situation with your girlfriend's "best friend" doesn't actually seem like just friendship and it's inappropriate. It's just going too far and a platonic friend would not act this way towards your girlfriend. Or she towards him. And really it's more her who is the problem. This guy is clearly into her and surely she's no fool and she knows this? So this leaves only two explanations as to why she's letting this all happen. One is that she's also into him, or two that she just loves his attention, him paying for her, giving her presents, whatever it is he's doing. So yeah she might be kind of using him but that still doesn't mean that it's OK. I actually have about three close male friends but one of them is actually gay. One of them I don't hang out with that much. And one of them I do hang out with him, he's a close friend of seven years. But when I had my ex fiance I actually cut down on contact with him and also mostly hung out with him in a group, not one-on-one. And he never paid for me for anything. If your girlfriend met this guy after you then the question begs why did she even want a new male "friend"? Usually people who are in a relationship want to have boundaries and they don't befriend the opposite gender because they don't need to. They already have a partner and their focus is on their partner. It would be different if say he was a colleague at her work and the friendship was just having a lunch break together or getting a coffee after work, that sort of stuff. But everything they're doing is like dating. Your girlfriend is also disrespecting your relationship in the sense that even when she has plans with you, she gives preference to her "friend". Your girlfriend has to have boundaries. I actually believe in having opposite gender friends but it has to look like an actual platonic friendship. So if your girlfriend wants to be friends with this guy then she has to include you too, you can all hang out together. And she can't accept him paying for her or doing date like things with him. But to be honest she probably would actually have to distance herself from this guy because it's pretty clear that he's into her. A male and female can't be friends if one of them has feelings for the other. And if she actually feels the same way for him then unfortunately it's actually you who's the third wheel. So you may be better off getting a new girlfriend if that's the case.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you! BIG HUGS Is there anything that can be done for this? My Mum got heart problems after getting the Pfizer vaccine and they're still going on many months later. I didn't really have any side effects from Pfizer except flu like symptoms for a couple of days afterwards. Bit after five months it seemed to have stopped working because I actually got COVID. Having COVID seriously felt like death! So yeah that also wasn't ideal lol

I actually remember you posting about these situations before and it sounds like this still really bothers you and things haven't improved. As I think I said on your previous post...You can't control how your brother, uncle or father behave. I understand it's frustrating but how they act is really out of your hands. The choices they make or what they do is their decisions unfortunately. And while it's frustrating, it's out of your hands. So I think you should just focus on yourself and your own plans and ambitions. You can try to be a good and supportive son to your mother and to try to get a job in Tokyo or somewhere else on your own. Your father might be kissing up to your Uncle because he's just grateful that he's given his son this great opportunity. You said yourself that you're from a third world country and there aren't as many career opportunities. Your Uncle gave your brother a great chance to live in Tokyo and have that job. And he puts up with your brother's bad behaviours. Your Dad probably knows that your brother is difficult so he's acting like this out of gratitude towards your Uncle. You really don't sound happy living at home with your parents. Have you researched what options you have to work in other countries?

Well one thing that really stood out to me from your post is that it kind of sounds like you're lonely and maybe relying on your boyfriend too much for company and to have plans on New Year's Eve. Which is actually understandable because you don't really know anyone in this new city yet and I totally get that spending New Year's Eve alone isn't that nice. But then again, I know people who actually don't really care about New Year's Eve and spend it alone or very low key by choice. I was actually just talking to my best friend on the phone and she's been dating a guy she really likes for a couple of months. My group of friends actually booked a restaurant and bar for New Year's Eve in advance because it's hard to get into places due to COVID, etc. and just really busy on NYE in general. My best friend told me that this guy already had plans to spend NYE with his sister and her family. His sister was stuck in the US due to COVID (we're in Australia) and now that she's back, he really wants to spend NYE with her. My best friend didn't seem bothered by this mainly because I guess she has her own plans with her own friends. I guess it's a bit weird that a 37-year-old man is spending NYE with his family but the guy my friend is dating is actually also 37 and doing exactly the same thing lol I guess everyone is different and some people don't think anything wrong of being with family on NYE rather than friends. To me it seems that the main problem is that you actually don't have any plans and you're going to be by yourself. That's why it upsets you that your boyfriend didn't ask you to join him. The reason for that might be that you haven't been together that long yet so he may feel that it's too early to introduce you to his family. On the other hand if he knows you're going to be alone then yeah you'd think he'd invite you just so that you're not on your own. But it's a bit of an awkward situation because it's not just his group of friends, it's family. So being introduced to them is more serious. I'm just thinking if I was alone on NYE, maybe I'd still try to treat myself and have a nice time. You could go to the cinema and see a movie, go out for dinner or order some Uber Eats. You could drink some champagne and watch some rom coms or something lol I usually don't mind doing all sorts of things on my own, but I'm not sure how you feel about it....

Well the way that I always think about these situations is....If you felt that you needed to post about your relationship here then obviously you feel that something is off. I think our gut feeling is usually right, and yours is telling you something. I'm not sure if he's actually still not over his ex, but the main thing here is how seriously does he appear to actually be into you? He may not necessarily still be into his ex wife but just the impression that I get is that he's not that committed to you. It might be because of his ex but it might also be because "he's just not that into you". Him going to the wedding with his kids and his wife and not inviting you does seem off. Usually people are allowed a plus one to a wedding, so he most likely has the opportunity to bring you along. It sounded from what you wrote that his ex wife and children are already invited separately, so he should have a space also for you to come as a plus one. And even if his ex wife wasn't invited to the wedding, it should be YOU he should be bringing along because it's you who is his partner, not her. The fact that he keeps asking you to pay for everything also seems off. It's OK if you both took turns paying, but if he usually expects you to pay then it sounds like he's taking advantage of you. Also if after more than six months he hasn't introduced you to his kids then that's not a good sign in my opinion. If the kids are adults then it's not like they'd get attached to you or something the way that children do. So it shouldn't really be a problem to introduce you.

She actually wrote that this man's children are adults. This is why I actually think this situation does sound dodgy. If the children are adults then he wouldn't be paying child support anymore. Also why would he be spending time with his ex wife and children "as a family" when the kids are adults now? It's not like they have school performances or sports games and things like that, that both parents would attend together. When your children are adults I would think that the parents can actually spend time with them separately. E.g. Go out for lunch or with the kids on their own. Unless it's a big event for their child like their wedding day, I don't actually think there's a need for both parents to go to things together.

Well I don't think that you should feel foolish in the sense that you met a nice man that you liked and you were trying to give him a really good chance. You wanted to get to know him more and see where it went, so I don't think you did anything wrong. The problem is that it's already been nine months, which is a pretty long time to be "dating". I'm not sure what country or culture you're from or whether he's religious or both of you are. In Western culture I think it would be extremely unlikely that after nine months of dating and seeing each other and talking all the time, the man would want the woman he's dating to sleep in a separate room or a separate bed. Why would he want to do that with someone he supposedly really likes and sees a future with? I think in the very least, even if he was religious or traditional, he would want to kiss and show a lot more affection than that. To be honest hugging and holding hands sometimes seems more like friendship. With someone you date, there should be a lot of affection. Like holding hands when you're walking around out in public, him putting his arms around you, putting arms around your waist, you lying down in his lap on the couch, etc. I'm not even saying it's sexual necessarily but when someone is really into the person they're dating, they "can't keep their hands" off that person. And after nine months there should be desire on his part even to have sex by now. These are all just natural feelings to feel but he backs away when you try to kiss him? I'm sorry but I think that really doesn't sound good and it's a real concern. I know you said you don't have much experience with the actual dating process and meeting new people. So I understand if you're just not sure what are the right time framing at which a relationship should progress and so on. I'm sorry but from everything you wrote, it doesn't really sound like this is actually going anywhere romantic. He doesn't have any excuse for not wanting to at least kiss you. Unless he's religious or very traditional and you have to wait for marriage to do those things. But if that actually was the case then after nine months he should already know how he feels about you and whether he would want to marry you, if marriage had to be the final outcome. There are also some people who are asexual and they still want to have emotional relationships with people and have companionship, but they feel no desire to have sex. However not every asexual person even 100% wants no physical intimacy. I actually know a couple of asexual people and have read about it. From what I understand, being asexual is on a spectrum. Some people who are asexual still want physical affection like kissing and cuddling, but it's just the sex they're not really into. But I think even some asexual people may occasionally want to have sex but their sex drive is just low. This is if this man actually WAS asexual. Being asexual is quite rare so I think the chance of him being asexual is actually not that high. Considering you were on that dating app for dating and you love this man, I think it's really going to hurt you if things go on the way they do. You want a relationship so if this man only wants to be your friend then he needs to stop leading you on. Personally I would feel quite offended if the man I'd been dating for nine months made me sleep in a separate bed or separate room. Fair enough if he wanted to wait for sex but if they don't even want you in the same room then what's the point. I don't know about you but I have a lot of friends and I don't go on dating websites just to find a buddy. Unless someone is 100% into me and being with me then it's buh bye lol

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother's death 😞 I agree with the other posters that you sound very lonely and even sounds like you don't have many people in your life? Do you have friends or any other family? I'm also wondering like the other commenters why you put up with this guy being a jerk and ghosting you for a whole year. Did you not have anybody else to talk to? I think it's OK to talk to someone a three hour drive away BUT only if that person is nice and treating you well, and willing to meet. The three hour distance isn't really a problem because it's not that far. But the fact that there are some HUGE red flags here is the real issue. To me it definitely seems like this guy is some kind of catfish and he has something to hide. I think even people with depression and anxiety after a year of talking would meet in person by now. Or as a bare minimum they would video call and try to get to know each other "face to face". The fact that this guy constantly kept ghosting you, then reappearing again for a whole year, definitely means there's something very dodgy going on. You've invested so much time and energy into this and this guy wasn't even nice. Fair enough if he always replied to you consistently and sounded like a good guy, but he didn't do any of that. Are you actually looking for a real relationship or are you just lonely and needed someone to talk to? To me it sounds like maybe you just don't have many people in your life and you "took whatever you could get". Even if you are lonely or depressed, you deserve so much better than this. Literally any person who treated you well and was there for you consistently would be better than this guy.

Do you have any other friends that you could also spend time with? I think the problem with this friend is that he can't or doesn't want to be a friend that you actually need. He is a friend to you in the capacity that he E-mails you a lot. Maybe that's just his communication style or it's his "love language", so to speak. Whereas from your post it's clear that your definition of a friend and your love language is quality time. So it's really important to you to actually spend time with your friend in person and for that friend to reach out and invite you out. I get that because I'm very outgoing and I would feel the same. The issue is that this is how this guy has been the whole 3.5 years that you've known him. You also talked to him about this and nothing has improved. So I'm just not sure that you're going to get any different result from this guy other than what you already have. It kind of sounds like this guy is pretty self absorbed and he just needs a listening ear to talk about himself. So your friendship with him will probably always be one sided. My advice would be to either end the friendship or try to accept that it is what it is. Is there some other way you could make more friends? Could you join more music groups, Meetups, things like that?

Well, I personally find the whole situation a bit strange from what you've described. I don't understand how this guy can say that you use him? You pay him good money for this office space. When you pay, it's not called "using" because that person is making money off you. Secondly, if you're supposed to be friends, it's odd that he said; "What have you ever helped me with? Just talking and hanging out?" From that perspective he does seem to have a "user" mentality. I think the purpose of having friends is first of all just to have their companionship. So yes, just to talk and hang out. We shouldn't be looking at friends as just someone that can do something for us or help us in some way. Yes, friends help each other but only when the need arises. The main purpose of friendship is just their company and having them in your life. Also it seems really weird that he's always trying to read you and other people. OK, so what, he noticed some bad qualities in you because he can "read" you? Everyone has good and bad things about them. What's his point!

Look, I hate to say it but I don't think that she feels the same way about you as you feel about her. You are absolutely right, if she has time to go out with a friend until midnight on a work night and she also has a child - you can see that when she wants to do something, she'll make it happen. It's understandable she's busy as a single parent but I doubt that she's that busy that she literally can't see you. I think that all the reasons she gave you are just excuses and could be worked on IF she actually wanted to work on them. I'm not sure why you and people on this thread are referring to this as a "long distance relationship". I actually wouldn't call an hour and a half long distance. Especially if you drive, I think it's very easy to travel that long to see your partner. I live in a fairly big city and traffic can be bad. Sometimes it takes me an hour to drive to some of my friends and I also have to pay a toll road charge. But I love seeing my friends, so I actually don't mind doing it. One of my closest friends lives in a rural town a 2.5 hour drive away and I sometimes even go and visit her because I really want to see her. I wouldn't even consider 1.5 hours to be long distance really. I think her comment along the lines of "you're trying too hard for us to meet" is ridiculous. It seems she's losing/lost interest but what she said doesn't even make sense. When you're dating someone for seven months and haven't seen each other for a month, how is it a crime simply to want to see them?! It kind of seems like she's either trying to slow fade you or she still wants to see you casually, but all on her terms. In other words, if she really has no other plans and nothing better to do, then she might see you. Maybe she did actually just want something casual all along. The problem with casual things is that they usually end at some point. And it sounds like maybe she's decided that point is now.

I actually agree with this. Most people in the world are actually not super attractive, most people are average. If you think about people's attractiveness as being on a bell curve graph - you get a small amount of people in the "attractive" end and a small amount of people on the so-called "ugly" end, but most people are in the middle. Unless you're actually ugly or have some kind of disability or deformity, I wouldn't think that it should be harder for you than your average guy to get women. I obviously don't know you but my guess would be that you're going for women out of your league? You said in your post that "two attractive women in my class..." and they're trying to get the hot guys in the class. I know it sucks but if they're pretty attractive, they probably know it and yes they also want to get an attractive guy. If you did the same thing on online dating then I think it may have been the same problem. If you're an average looking guy then I think that's the kind of women you should be looking for. I think for people who aren't hot, yes it sucks but people won't throw themselves at them. So that person will have to actually put themselves out there and really try to get to know people and build a real connection. So not just hitting on women because of their looks, but actually spending the time to get to know an average woman and build something from there. Often you do see people who are in a relationship or married and maybe one of them is unattractive or has something physically wrong with them or something. But they'll tell you they met their partner somewhere like work, college, social group and usually they'll say they were friends first. So they got to know that person first and realised they had a connection. Personally I think actually trying to build that friendship and connection with a woman and secondary to that the relationship, might help you. And really try to give as many women as possible a good chance. I'm not saying force yourself to like someone that you just plainly don't like. But just keep an open mind and don't fixate so much on looks. I get how you feel because my best friend is very beautiful and she always got a lot of attention and I just had to stand on the sideline. But even she's had a fair amount of rejection. And I've had people who were into ME and even been engaged before. But I'm someone who doesn't care about looks that much and the person's personality is number one for me. So I always looked for someone I really got along with and something usually grew from there.

Well yeah you don't need this kind of drama really. Vax aside, friendships should be smooth sailing and mostly easy.

Well my parents brought me up to be very polite and mindful of other people's feelings. I do believe that if your pet damages someone's property, it's the right thing to do to offer to pay for it and replace it. And I have experience with pets all my life. My family always had dogs. It doesn't mean that there's any need to have a fight about it or make a big deal, as yes pets are animals and they don't have the morals that people do and don't think about what they're doing. Especially if it's a pet like bunny or rat because they can't be trained to be obedient like dogs. So I don't think you can really blame the owner as the pet isn't trainable and there's not much they as the owner can do to control the pet's behaviour. I don't see how it's the OP's fault that she simply placed her handbag on the table. She had to put the bag somewhere, right? And she did explain why she brought the nice bag, because she was going on a date. I like to look nice on dates too and wear nice clothes, cute shoes and cute handbag. I think the best way to solve this would have been for the friend to offer to pay and apologise and then for both people to just move on. It doesn't really seem worth it to end the friendship over a silly accident. But I agree that it's not right to say: "Why did you spend so much on a bag". That's every person's right how much they choose to spend on their bag. Even if the bag was cheap it's the right thing to do to apologise and pay back. Even if just apologise for the inconvenience because she was going on a date and the bag strap was gone, therefore the bag would fall off. It's just called basic manners and being considerate. I think ending the friendship over it seems too over the top. Losing a bag strap doesn't seem as big a deal as the friend stealing your money or sleeping with your boyfriend or something lol It was an accident.

Well I do agree that the bunny is just an animal and doesn't have morals or high cognitive abilities. You can't even train a bunny in the same way you can a dog or cat so I don't think you can really say that it's poorly behaved as such. That aside though....Just as a gesture of politeness and decency I do think your friend owes you money for the bag. My family always had dogs and if my dog chewed someone's belongings, I would offer to pay just because that's the decent thing to do. I also don't think she can make any comment like: "Why did you spend $250 on the bag?" That's none of her business how much you chose to spend on the bag.

Well, just regarding the Thanksgiving card. It was nice of you to send it to her, very sweet and thoughtful. However I think you over reacted about her response about the card and you were kind of expecting too much. She did say: "I got it, thank you I love it". I think that was an appropriate response and she didn't really do anything wrong. I think there's no need to act over the top grateful and say things like: "Oh my God, thank you, thank you, thank you, I love it soooo much!!" Lol I mean, it was just a card, it's not like you sent her a gold watch lol I think I'd be a bit annoyed if I said thank you and that I loved the cars, but the person accused me of not being grateful enough. The card issue aside, I think there are definitely some huge red flags here and you should pay attention to them. I don't think it's really normal after only a month or so when you hadn't seen each other in person much to say that she was moving to be with you, moving in and having kids with you. Unless someone is from a very traditional or religious culture where all dating is meant to lead to marriage and expected to marry fast, this behaviour isn't really normal. What's worse though is the blowing hot and cold. It means the person is emotionally immature and possibly mentally unstable. If she liked you to the point of saying she wanted to live with you and have kids, why is she acting so cold now? I'm obviously not a doctor and don't know this woman but sometimes these kinds of behaviours indicate having a personality disorder. The person appears really charming and extremely into you and worships you at the start. Then once they have you hooked, they become hot and cold and start playing mind games.

Yeah I think right now I'm a lot more of a "dog Mum" because I don't actually have kids. But my parents have a golden retriever dog and I spoil her rotten!

100% agree with literally your whole post!