Tinydance

These discussions are really good though, I'm really enjoying them lol

I feel like I'd be one of those "craving" people if I had kids because I'm just such an outgoing and social person. Because I don't have kids (yet) my number one thing in life is basically spending time with my friends. I really thrive on socialising and doing all sorts of fun things all the time.

Also I hate to say it but marriages sometimes do end in divorce. So to think that if you have a husband, you'll be married forever and he'll financially support you forever, might not be the right thought process. For me personally I'd rather continue working at least a day or two a week so that I have experience and connections in the workforce. So if things didn't work out with a marriage then I could still get a job by myself and support myself.

It's not "just" but I think if possible it's good for a woman to work at least a little once the children are a bit older. For example in Australia kids start going to school at five years old. They're at school Monday to Friday 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. So that allows for some time for a woman to work or volunteer maybe at least once or twice a week. I just like the idea of still working in order to meet new people, have friends and keep yourself engaged in the workforce. That's only my opinion though. I think there's nothing wrong with being a housewife and not working but this is what I would probably like to do myself.

Zara is great! We actually have it in Australia too. In Australia in regards to paying for dates and other things, it's actually pretty 50/50. Men don't really seem to pay for women anymore, except if it's something small like a coffee. Or basically you take turns paying for dates. So in this sense it does help to have a job if you're a woman! Lol

Well identity can be anything, it's what we are made up of. I agree with you that there are so many things that make-up someone's identity so even without a job of course a person doesn't lose it. Working is just a huge part of MY identity but that's just personal to me. For other people it might be something else, like you mentioned your children for example. The thing though is that children grow up and become adults. Then they start living their own life and completely looking after themselves and living alone. So in that sense of course you can say that you've achieved something so amazing as raising these beautiful human beings. But I don't think then you can say that raising your children is part of your identity as such because you won't be raising them anymore. I think it's good to have your own life as well because the kids become adults eventually.

I got it, it's one of my favourite movies!

Actually I wasn't talking about am "exit plan" or financial stability to be honest. I just think that working or at least volunteering is really good in the sense that it allows us to have a sense of identity, meeting people, learning new things, getting different experiences, getting our if the house. Of course the money is a bonus but to me it doesn't seem like the main benefit of working. Of course not working doesn't necessarily mean that a person isn't intelligent and doesn't already have their own skills, hobbies and interests. Pursuing hobbies in your free time if you're not working can be a really good way to have a sense of self identity. I think there's nothing wrong with being a housewife if it suits the person and their family. I must add also that I don't have kids (yet) so I don't have any experience if being a stay at home mother at all. I'm really not a homebody AT ALL though and if I stay home too much and don't work I go completely mental. I have a really outgoing and social personality and I NEED to be around people as much as possible. It's what makes me tick. I went completely crazy and depressed in the pandemic lockdowns. My job was cancelled for six months and I hated nor being able to work. I'd love to have kids so of course I'd stay at home with them but when they're a bit older the idea would be to go back to work part-time. And hopefully my kids would enjoy going out places. For selfish reasons, so I could go out myself lol

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I agree that straight after a break up you just need to allow yourself to feel all the feelings. It's completely normal to cry, feel sad and not do much. I don't think you're required or expected to do anything in particular. Just do what you feel comfortable with and actually feel like doing. Don't force yourself into anything. Usually keeping yourself busy helps but if you don't feel like doing anything then just take it easy. Do you work or study? I think something you need to be aware of is that you don't actually slip into a deep depression. Like not eating/eating too much, not sleeping, drinking alcohol or doing drugs, never getting out of bed. Those kinds of things. Try to take care of yourself and your health as best as you can. Break ups are always painful. In a sense you just have to "ride it out". The more time passes, the better you start to feel. And it does work but it can be a slow process so don't feel bad if you're not moving on as fast as you hoped. If you work, study and have hobbies and interests then it might be good to focus on them. But only if you want. If you have any family or friends then you could spend time with them too. Or spend time with your pets if you have any.

Also I have no problem with women preferring the more traditional role and not studying or working and just being a housewife. I believe that how people choose to live their life is their choice, as long as they're a nice and respectable person and they're not hurting anyone. Just the way I see it though, our society has changed a lot and in my opinion now it's a bit detrimental for a woman to have no work experience or big gaps in working. I've heard of women who took many years off work to be a stay at home mum but when the children were older, tried to get back into the work force. But they couldn't find anything because they hadn't worked for so many years so didn't have the experience or references. I think even if you're a Mum maybe it's good to work at least one or two days a week just to keep yourself in the workforce, have connections and referees. Children also grow up, move out and live their own life. I think once a woman doesn't need to be a full-time mother then what is she meant to do with herself? I know in the past the woman probably just pursued her hobbies and spent time with friends, who were also just housewives so they had lots of free time. Nowadays most women work and people retire late, in their 60's or even 70's. So I think if a woman never really worked, then the children move out, she'll feel pretty lonely. Her female friends would be working and wouldn't be as free, her husband would be working. Her kids would have their own life, their own family and friends. I think it's important for a woman to keep herself occupied and stand on her own two feet. It's not just about money but it's about identity, having self-pride about her achievements and having a life of her own.

OK I'm not a guy, I'm female but this is just my opinion. I understand that men are looks oriented but there are a lot of women in this world who found a decent guy and they are only average. In fact most people are average. Of course I know that it's easier for attractive people in terms of everything and that's no secret. It might even be easier for them to get jobs. I think when you see men with just an average woman or overweight woman for example, my guess is that they probably met each other in real life and got to know each other and they really connected. Or maybe they did meet online but people have different levels of attraction. I actually have a male friend who is so attractive (my ex actually, just to show off lol). He's a really nice guy, slim and has a Master's Degree and is a teacher. He actually likes plus size women and finds them attractive. I also went on a date with another guy who loved plus size women and in fact preferred them. Yet other men would be put off by overweight women and only want slim women. I mean yeah of course guys will get infatuated with a stripper, model or attractive woman. But you don't see most guys with a model. Most guys are just with average/normal looking women. I actually disagree with the whole posting bikini photos of yourself to get guys. I could be wrong but I think while yes, you will initially get a lot of attention if you dress sexy or show sexy photos. But I'm just not sure that it creates a good image necessarily in terms of a long term relationship. I'm not shaming women at all if they post bikini photos but I'm saying that the attraction the women with bikini photos might get is predominantly sexual and physical, so for hookup. Whereas if you post normal photos and write interesting things about yourself in your online dating profile, the guys that message you would be guys that actually cared more about the content. Sure, it might be not as many guys but it's the quality, not quantity. Personally I want a guy to like me for who I am and not only for my looks. As you get older, looks fade and your body changes. I don't want my husband to dump me (it happens) just because he saw a more attractive woman. What I do think though is that people need to be realistic in what they can get in life. Yes there is that stereotype that a hot woman can get rich guys and rich guys can get the attractive women. That's probably true except most women (and men) are not hot and most men are not rich. So to me it seems most couples are just what you call "average" in terms of looks and income. I think women need to be realistic in what types of men they can get. If a woman is slim and really attractive then sure she can aim for rich guys. But if an average woman only goes for rich guys then she'd probably end up with a "Shallow Hal" movie type situation. Like in that movie Jack Black's character was overweight and not attractive but he was shallow and only went after hot women out of his league. But he was hypnotised by Tony Robinson to see women as beautiful if they were beautiful on the inside. So he met this obese woman (played by Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit) and she actually really liked him. Anyway yada yada he realised he loved her for who she is once the spell wore off and he saw what she really looked like. I think the moral of the story wasn't to be shallow (or materialistic) and to value who people actually are.

If it was me, I wouldn't worry about the age difference (it's fine in my opinion) or that he lives with his parents. He actually owns the house so it's not like he's a loser. I also wouldn't worry that he's supposedly "out of your league". That's up to him to decide if he's out of your league or not. And he obviously doesn't think that he is. Also who cares what your friends think. Fair enough if they were showing genuine concern about a bad situation. But in this case they just sound jealous and judgemental. My advice would be to just keep dating this guy and see how it goes. I don't think you need to over analyse it. Usually when people become really serious about each other, they can re-evaluate the living arrangements. E.g. His parents might move out and you could move in with him. You still haven't answered some questions like do you want kids, are you OK with being a stepmother. You haven't said you're not OK with it. So I guess you're still thinking about it or you're not sure? If you're not sure either way then my advice would be just to give it a go with this guy. If you end up really liking each other and your relationship goals are the same, then it might work. But again I think the main thing is compatibility and future goals. Myself personally I don't care about the age difference but I want kids. I don't even care if the guy already had kids but he would have to want more. If he wouldn't want more kids it's an immediate "no" from me. But I'm speaking only for myself.

OK well if he actually owns the house then I think it's not as bad. But you didn't actually answer some questions I asked you. Do you want kids? Would he want more kids? He's already 49 and he already has a child. Considering his age I'm wondering if he'd want more children? If you have different life goals then it just wouldn't work out long term. But if you find him attractive and you just want to have sex with him then I don't see any harm if you're both willing.

Well I guess my main question would be to think about if you're actually compatible. What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want kids and marriage yourself? This guy is 15 years older and he already has a school aged child. Often people who already have older kids don't want more kids. And he's been married before so he may not want to get married again. I actually obviously don't know him or you though so I'm not making any assumptions. Some people who already have kids are still open to having more kids or to marriage. I'd say that first and foremost you need to check that what you and him are looking for in a relationship matches. If it doesn't then just by that alone it may not actually work out. Also how do you feel in a sense taking on the "stepmother" role to his child? Are you OK with it? In regards to him living with his parents. I'm not sure if it's possible that without his wife's income he financially can't afford to rent a house by himself and also support his child. So he lives with his parents because at their house the rent is free or cheap. And I assume he does need help looking after the child while he's at work. Something you maybe need to think about is if he struggles financially on his own, if you got serious and moved in together that you may need to help financially support his child. How do you feel about that? And you may need to help him take care of his child. I think you need to think about all that more so that he lives with his parents. And I guess coming over to his place and staying the night might be awkward with his parents and child there. So he'd probably have to stay at your place. In regards to your friends, yes they do sound jealous and mean. You're dating a hot guy but they say he's out of your league?! They don't sound supportive at all. If my friend found a hot guy, I'd be like "good work"!

So serious question, do you actually want a relationship? You've mentioned three women in that comment and I see something they all have in common. They're unattainable/not single/not interested. I understand that we can't help it if we get a crush on someone but it almost seems to me like you actually deliberately pursue these women who you know deep down you can't actually get. I haven't read your post about the online girl yet but my guess is...she lived in another state or country and you couldn't actually meet in real life? The girl with the boyfriend, well that's self-explanatory, she wasn't single. The woman in the bar to be honest doesn't really seem interested in you. I know it's a common thing to pick up in a bar but you're not actually really picking up. She doesn't even want to give you her number, you haven't kissed and she hasn't come to your place or anything like that. All she's doing is talking to you but that could just be a thing of convenience. If you actually want a girlfriend for real and you're not just telling yourself that you want one, you need to start trying to meet women who are actually decent and available. I think it's a no brainer for example that you're not very likely to end up with a woman who already has a boyfriend. Have you tried online dating before? And by "online" I mean matching women in your area that you can actually meet in real life lol

OK....there are a few things here. Are you still living with your parents? Is there any opportunity for you to move out of their house at least with some roommates? I know rent and bills are expensive but sharing with housemates reduces the cost a lot. Maybe start looking at some rental advertisements and try to move out. Look I'm not going to lie to you....Yes it is off putting to me as a woman when a guy is in his 30's and still lives with his parents. I think if he at least lived with housemates I would find that much better. Regarding this woman in the bar. I'm not going to pass judgement on her being an alcoholic or you trying to pick her up in the bar. I think if you're interested in her in some capacity (sex or otherwise) then I don't really think you're going about it the right way. I think if she drinks like 15 drinks and you had sex with her, that really doesn't seem right. It does seem like taking advantage of her. You also said you're getting exhausted from drinking, but you're only drinking in that bar for the sake of talking to that woman. If you don't actually want to drink then you could actually just order soft drinks. Or, better still, you could actually ask her to go to a cafe for a coffee or something. If she doesn't want to give out her actual number then there are still message apps like Kik for example where you can just add that person to the app and message there. Or just say you'd like to go to XYZ cafe and you'll meet her there for coffee at such and such time. If she doesn't show up then you know she's either too drunk, she's not interested, or both lol It's just no offence but you seem kind of desperate. You keep coming to the bar and forcing yourself to drink just to pursue this woman. I also think people who are alcoholics just sir in the bar and talk to anybody for company. And I think there's a chance she wouldn't care if you were there or not. Even if you don't come, she'll still sit there and drink and talk to other people. She might be talking to you for many reasons but they might not necessarily be that she's romantically interested in you. She might just like your attention, she likes company, and/or she's plainly just drunk and "going with the flow". I think unless you can get her out to meet outside of the bar then maybe you should just drop it. You might think if she has a high tolerance after 15 drinks that it's OK to have sex with her but I don't think she'd exactly be in her right mind. After such a big amount of drinks her body may seem to be moving but her cognitive processes would be very poor and she would probably hardly remember it later.

I think you did mean well. To me as an innocent third party bystander your advice does sound useful. However, I actually think you were being pushy in this situation and it's true that this person had never asked you for advice. My Mum is actually a micro manager and she's constantly telling me what to do or that I'm doing things wrong. We even had a bad fight the other day because she didn't like my dress and kept telling me to get changed into other clothes. I'm nearly 37 just for context. People don't like being told what to do but especially if it's not actually their parents or a relative or friend. I think in that sense being told what to do is even worse because it's someone not close to you at all. I'm not sure what you meant that you have more authority in your workplace. You didn't say that you are this person's manager or team leader. But even if you are, this matter that you were giving advice with is actually not work related. A manager can give advice or instructions to their employees about the job. But their personal life outside of their work is none of the manager's business and they shouldn't be giving advice about that. I understand you meant well and you were trying to help, but as the person said to you the first time, they didn't want your help and they made it clear. It's also true that people are different and not every technique helps every person to prioritise or cope with stress. What works for you might not actually work for someone else. I understand it's frustrating when someone complains about their life, but this person is just your colleague at work. If it was your family, friend or partner that may be different. Then you could give advice. In the case of a colleague you aren't close to them. So I think if you don't like how they behave then just be polite but keep your distance. I don't think it's your job to actually tell them how to live their life and I think that's why they got so upset. I think unless you're actually friends, you seem to be crossing a line with thus colleague. You seem annoyed that they didn't apply for a job you suggested to them. They don't actually have to do that. It's OK to just casually say: "By the way, I saw this advertisement for this great job, would you like me to forward it to you?" If they say yes then you can send them the job ad, but this is where your involvement should end. Whether they want to apply for that job, or any other job, is actually none of your concern. This person is an adult so let them handle themselves and their own life. If you don't like them, or how they act or live, just keep your distance. You can't change people and this (presumably) doesn't affect you outside of work. So I think it may be best to stay out of it.

So what you're talking about is "settling" but the thing is that when people settle for someone, that person actually wants something serious with them. Usually when someone just settles, it's a term used when one person is really into the other person but the other one isn't on the same level. In this case, I hate to say it but you can't settle for someone who's barely even interested in you. He doesn't communicate much and doesn't want to actually make your relationship official after eight months. He WON'T commit. What you see here is what you get. This is his personality and exactly who he is, he won't change. And on top of that he doesn't actually seem that invested in you. If you're really worried about your biological clock then at least you should settle for a nice guy who really likes you. I think the guy you're dating now is basically a dead end.

Well in terms of women being hot...Most people are not hot, most people are just average. So a lot of women don't get to have a rich guy. I think that's a fact too. So OP needs to be realistic in who she can actually have.

I actually don't think that she has to apologise for not finishing her meal and taking it home. If she threw it in the garbage bin then that would be different. First and foremost she would be wasting food, which I don't like in general. If she's taking the food home and eats it later, I don't really see what the problem is? She probably just eats what she can and then she's too full to eat more. What does she have to apologise for, "I'm sorry I physically can't eat anymore?" Does she have to force the food down her throat just because he paid for it?

Well to be really honest it sounds to me like you might be better off without this "friendship". First of all, I feel like the friendship wasn't really healthy. I'm not sure what he was thinking from his side, I know you wanted it to be just a friendship. But from everything you described it kind of sounded like this pseudo relationship, just without the sex. I think it's not really healthy to invest in only one "friend" so heavily. You texted every day and called so many weekends and hung out a lot. You spent most of your time on each other. Of course it's fine to have friends but it's not good to put all your eggs in one basket, as they say. I think having such a high amount of contact sets a very high expectation of how often that person has to contact you and see you. And then when they're not living up to that expectation anymore, you got upset. Technically he doesn't have to text you every day or call you every Friday and Saturday. If he's just a friend and not a boyfriend then it's acceptable for him to call you only once a week. So I don't think you can really blame him that his contact dropped because the amount of contact was too high to begin with. I'm sorry to say something so negative but I actually don't think that this guy is your real friend and he was using you. I don't think he really cares about you as a person but he just sees you in terms of what HE can get out of it. I think he was in a very bad place during the pandemic, as you said he gained weight, was drinking a lot and depressed. He probably reached out because he really needed companionship and a listening ear. I think he was calling and messaging you so much because it made HIM feel better. Now he's either met a new woman or seeing that previous woman. And/or he's starting to feel better, so he doesn't need you anymore. If he was a real friend he wouldn't just cut the friendship off over something so minor. I just think that he didn't need you anymore because you were filling this "fake girlfriend" space which is now taken up by a new girlfriend. This guy sounds very selfish and like a total flake. Personally I think it's good he ended your friendship because he's not a real friend anyway and he's a user. If I was you I would never take him back ever again in any capacity.

I also wanted to add that if you want to have a paid friend and you are fine with this arrangement, no problem. But I think if you're expected to pay for all the expenses during this companionship then you can't really get angry in regards to what she does with what you paid for. E.g. With food, if she doesn't finish the whole meal with you and then takes it home. In all fairness it's none of your business what she does with that food after you paid for it. Presumably she eats it later at home. Or if she's poor and has children or other family, she might be sharing it with them. Also with the hot springs, you wanted her to come and the entry cost $32. So the condition of her coming with you was to pay for her entry. She did what was expected, she came into the hot springs and was there and kept you company as was required. That's none of your business that she didn't want to go into the water. She is doing what you want, she joins you for meals and other activities and you pay as is your arrangement. She's not required to behave exactly as you expect, e.g. eat all her food in one go. You said this is only platonic so it's not the same as paying for an escort and then requesting what that escort does. E.g. "I want XYZ sex positions, I want you to wear XYZ outfit." It seems to me that here she can join you for the activities you want but you don't get to control how she actually has to behave. You've had this arrangement for a few years now so what has changed? Have you become romantically interested in this woman or become resentful of having to pay for her friendship?

Well there is that expression "barking up the wrong tree". There probably are women out there who would want to date you but you've been investing all your attention and money into the stripper. To be honest, even if she wasn't a stripper and just an ordinary friend of yours, she might still not be interested in you. It's good that you got an education and you have an athletic body, but sometimes there is just no chemistry and someone just isn't romantically interested in you. I think also it can depend on how many options people have. People who are very attractive, as I'm guessing this girl is, tend to have more people into them. She meets hundreds of guys every day and probably has thousands of admirers on Only Fans. She probably has like at least a hundred guys asking her out every day. You have a HUGE amount of competition. I don't think being desperate or a pushover is attractive so this is where other guys might be winning over you. You were trying too hard with her and in the end she might prefer guys who don't constantly throw themselves at her. If you want a real relationship then I think you should start trying to date other women. Of course you're not doing anything wrong seeing the stripper but it sounds like you're spending too much time (and money) on her. Maybe you should try to join Meetup groups, dance classes, cooking classes, do online dating. Find other ways to meet women.

Well I think that unfortunately for you times have changed a lot (at least in Western societies) and these days there isn't that expectation anymore that men should earn all the money. 50+ years ago women didn’t really need to offer much or anything in terms of education or career in their marriage. They just needed to be a good housewife and I guess being pretty was a bonus. Nowadays there isn't as many gender roles and I think that if you're looking for a man who makes good money, you need to have something to offer too. It sounds like you feel entitled to get a well off man, but what do you have you can give too? If you only have work experience as a cashier and now you have no job at all, no offence but you aren't exactly a great catch yourself. I think that a financially successful man would also want a wife who is well educated and has at least some kind of decent career. I could be wrong but it seems the only way a rich man would choose an unemployed or minimum wage earning woman is if she's really attractive. In other words I think you have something going for you too in order to attract the rich guys. If you don't have that then I think your standards are too high. You need to be realistic in what kinds of men will be interested in you.

Just out of curiosity and also to get a better picture of the situation, do you mind if I ask you more questions? I actually didn't even know that renting a friend was a thing, except some movies I've seen where people may have done that. Do you mind if I ask, do you not have any actual friends or even family to spend time with? Why do you have to pay someone so much money just to be your friend? I guess I might understand it more if this was an escort and you were getting the "girlfriend experience". If it's really only platonic though then can't you try to make some actual friends or acquaintances? If you're spending so much money just for some companionship then maybe even having a distant acquaintance you could see once a month might be better. To be honest I wouldn't actually call this woman a leech as such because you do have a business arrangement. She doesn't provide her company to you for free. It seems she does only want to get paid for it, whether it be in actual money, meals, expenses paid, or all of the above. I'm not sure where you found this woman or if there are any actual rules or any contract as to how you conduct this business. To me it seems though that since her friendship is paid then yes unfortunately you do have to pay for everything. If you want someone who wants to be your real friend and pay their own way, then this woman is not it. I agree with the others that if you don't like this situation, you simply need to exit out of it. Don't see this woman anymore and the problem will be solved. Make an effort to meet new people and find people to spend time with for free.