Tinydance

Very series question - what are you actually getting out of all this? This guy treats you, his wife, other mistress, his son, like garbage. He's a liar and cheater and only cares about himself. He's immature, playing games, trying to make you feel jealous on purpose. But he pretends he has morals because he's "religious". Newsflash - he DOES NOT have any morals. I think at this point you would get more out of dating a garbage bin.

Look, I think that seeing as you actually don't work at all and your boyfriend does and pays for everything, that makes sense that you should be the one doing everything at home because you're not contributing financially hardly at all. I think just circumstantially your boyfriend is having to pay for everything but that doesn't mean he has to like it. I think the days where only the man works and the woman is a housewife are more or less gone. Unless they had kids and the woman stays home to take care of the kids. Otherwise I think you should get a job and contribute financially. Also some of your comments didn't really make sense. You said you are fine with him/let him watch racing on TV so why can't your boyfriend pay for dinners out? That doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything because it's normal for a partner to be fine with their partner watching something on TV. The way you said it almost sounded like you deserve to be thanked or congratulated for doing this. You are actually not doing anything above ordinary at all so to be honest yes your attitude to always be paid for sounds entitled. You're doing house chores because you don't have a job so you actually SHOULD be doing those things to contribute.

I think if we put aside whether threesomes are good or bad, here is what I see really wrong with this picture. Firstly, he has mentioned it many times and you never showed any interest in it and in fact told him it actually bothers you. Sex is about respect and consent and if he knows you are uncomfortable with this, he HAS to stop doing it. You are not obliged to have a threesome if you don't want to or do anything sexual that you don't want to in general. Secondly, he talks about threesomes with your SISTER? I know it's not his sister but what he's talking about is actually incest. And talking about your friends is so inappropriate too. He sounds very insensitive and like he had no filter and doesn't care about your feelings either.

I think of course a lot of people want their ex back, especially if they were the one that was dumped. To be honest I never really thought that I was going to get any of my ex's back at all. Maybe I hoped for it initially but I never expected it. I actually don't necessarily believe that you could get your ex back if you improve yourself, become a better person, etc. I've realised the hard way that people don't really change. I don't mean that as a bad thing and of course people can improve in certain ways, but the very core of who they are and their personality won't change. I think most relationships end either because those two people were just incompatible in various ways, or the timing/circumstances weren't right, or both. I don't really see how someone can "improve" themselves to the point that they can just fix all the reasons why it didn't work out. I think that maybe often when people "get their ex back" it's for the wrong reasons. E.g. Their ex was lonely, didn't find anyone else, got jealous they're dating someone else. If you get your ex back because they genuinely love you and realised they'd made a mistake, that's different. But it wouldn't be because someone just magically improved themselves. In most cases anyway.

I'm not sure what culture you're from but even in very traditional cultures, this type of arrangement you're talking about is agreed on by both people from the get go. E.g. I'm from Russia and my parents have been married for 39 years and they had a very gender role conforming relationship. My Mum did and does work but mostly only part-time. Dad always worked full-time and made a lot of money and Mum does everything around the house. If you would like this kind of arrangement and you want to just be a housewife and cook and clean and your boyfriend to work and pay for everything, you can agree on that with him if he's willing. However if that is not the agreement in your relationship and you are from a Western country then really your financial contribution should be basically 50/50. So what if your boyfriend makes a lot of money, you should be working too and paying for things too. Sure you do chores and let him watch TV but that's just normal things that a girlfriend does. Allowing him to watch the races on TV isn't anything special and he doesn't owe you anything for that. It's the 21st Century and women have fought hard for feminism and equality. So I think there's no need to act like you're in the 1950's.

Well if you want to kiss why don't you just do it? If you go on a fourth date with her, maybe afterwards ask her to go for a walk somewhere like a park, along a river, anywhere nice like that. Try to have the date in the evening so it's dark and more private and romantic atmosphere. As you're walking, take her hand and see how she reacts. If she's holding hands and everything seems to be going well, then go in for a kiss. I don't think you should cut your losses just because you haven't kissed. If she keeps contacting you and going on dates then that means she's interested. Maybe she's also shy or she's more traditional and expects the guy to make the first move.

I think that if you don't see too much of an issue that he was sleeping with that girl because "you weren't official", then of course that's your choice. I understand if you're not official then obviously technically he could see other people. Although you did say that some of the time that he was sleeping with her actually was when you were official. What I was trying to point out wasn't whether it was official or not, but rather your boyfriend's level of interest in you and your relationship. Normally when someone really likes or loves someone, especially in early dating their focus and infatuation is only on the person they're dating. If that person starts sleeping with someone else even though they're already dating for a few months, I don't think they're actually that committed. Especially because your boyfriend claims he's not even into her and "it was a mistake". So why do it then? So what I think all this shows is that your boyfriend either isn't that into you, he's just a horndog who only cares about himself, or both of those things.

Well obviously I don't know anyone in this story including you so you would know better than me what the situation is. I think unfortunately at this stage because your relationship is over you should try as best as you can to move on. I also still think that your girlfriend probably wasn't as in love with you or into you as you'd actually thought. Otherwise I don't understand why she'd break up with you because of a couple of tiffs with her mother when her mother doesn't even live in L. A. and she was just going to leave and go back home anyway and then she wouldn't even be there. I think if you really like someone you would fight for them. As you know I'm Russian myself but I'm bisexual and when I was 28 I had a girlfriend for the first time. I told my Mum who I'm close with who didn't exactly approve of it. She told me not to tell my Dad because he wouldn't accept it, so I didn't tell him. But I was still with my girlfriend for nearly two years because I loved her and I didn't care what my parents thought. Also my advice still stands to not do too much for your girlfriends. I think you go too much above and beyond and some people can take advantage of that. I think unfortunately in this case maybe to your girlfriend this may have been more a relationship of convenience. Sure she may be co-dependent and so on but she seemed to have dropped you very fast when you'd already been together for six months. How can this be just because of the mother when the mother is in another country and was barely ever even going to spend time with her or you. I know you don't like the mother and it's just my opinion but I don't think it's really your business how long the mother is staying in LA. Her son is with his Dad so he's not actually alone. She never gets to see her daughter so that's why she might want to stay long. I think at this point you haven't heard from your ex-girlfriend ever since and I don't think you should reach out to her either. I know it's disappointing and hurtful but she dropped you like a hot potato and didn't fight for your relationship at all. So why would you want to be with her anyway? But again I'd like to point out that her relationship with her mother, mother's relationship with her son etc. doesn't particularly concern you, especially now that you've broken up. So I think it would be in your best interests to stop analysing it all over and over.

Could you just elaborate, how long was he sleeping with that girl? He said it was "just a mistake" but how long did he actually sleep with her, like how many times? It came across from your post that he actually slept with this girl on an ongoing basis at the same time as dating and sleeping with you for a few months, and this even crossed over into when you were actually official. Did I understand that correctly? If he was sleeping with that girl on an ongoing basis then how can it be a mistake? Maybe once when he was drunk it could be a mistake, but not if it was going for a while. Personally I don't think your boyfriend truly loves you or can be trusted. I think he's a player to be honest. If he loved you and was dating you and sleeping with you, why did he actually need the other girl? I understand you weren't official but what was the reason? If she's not attractive and he doesn't even like her, it's obvious he was using her for sex? And he knew she liked him but he didn't care. He actually doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He's telling you everything you want to hear, but look at his actions.

Yes, it is definitely painful that your girlfriend didn't seem very loyal to you in the end and was happy to just erase six months of your whole relationship just because of this one tiff with her mother. Especially as the mother was just going to go back to Moscow and wasn't going to actually be there anymore and wasn't going to be able to meddle in your relationship. I think at the end of the day it just looks like maybe you and the mother just didn't "gel" or "click". To be really honest it sounds to me like both you and the mother are headstrong and want to prove that you're right, and this is where you clashed. Now I'm actually not saying that the mother WAS right, but she wanted to prove that she was right. And really it sounds like so did you. I understand everything you're saying and obviously I don't know you but just from what you're writing it sounds to me a bit like you sometimes don't really see where something isn't really your business or where it's best to just keep your opinion to yourself. I want to just let you know that I'm really not defending your girlfriend and her Mum because they're Russian and my background is Russian. Even if you told me they were any other nationality, I still think that you could have handled it better. I think it's OK to try to prove that you're right when it really matters, and sometimes it just doesn't really matter. And it's not even necessarily a case that the mother is older or from another culture, but it's the fact that you are dating someone and it's their family. You saw that your girlfriend and her mother were very close, maybe even too close. Just as well it may have been a sister that she was really close with and the sister came to visit. Most people value their family (I do for example) and especially if they are close with their family, regardless of the culture. So going against that family member, and about something kind of petty I might add, isn't in your best interests if you want to continue the relationship with your girlfriend. I'm not saying that family member is a good person or right, but it's in YOUR best interests to just play nice and get along with them because you want your relationship to go smoothly. Also, no offence but you said a few times now how the mother was only meant to stay for a week but now she's staying for three weeks and to you that seems clingy and co-dependent. First of all I don't think that just the staying for three weeks in and of itself makes them co-dependent. The mother lives on the other side of the world and obviously never gets to see her daughter. It's very clear they're really close, so she probably really misses her. It's a very long and expensive flight from Moscow to LA, so it makes sense to stay longer just based on the fact how much money and effort it takes to travel there. I don't think it automatically makes her a bad person just because she's not straight away going back to her son and husband in Moscow. Obviously her son is with his father, so it's not like he's actually alone. How long the mother is staying isn't really any of your business and I'm not sure why you keep mentioning it. Your girlfriend probably is co-dependent but if you think about it, so was your relationship with her. I can't remember if you said you're actually older than her, but you were acting like you're this established older man and helping her with her career, driving her everywhere, buying things for her, doing everything for her. As you say, she's a 30-year-old woman but yet you were doing all this for her. So you were also participating in this co-dependent relationship. And if you're some kind of music producer, well educated and well off then could it be possible that your girlfriend was actually using you? Maybe she didn't really have true strong feelings for you but she wanted your help with her pop star career and as well as all the lifts in the car, etc. You seemed a bit too willing to be at her beck and call and of course that made it easy for her to be with you. I would suggest not doing too many of these things for a woman, not helping with her career or going too much out of your way for her. Then if she's dating you, you would have more proof that she's actually into you as a person and not just all the things you can do for her.

Yes I'm very sick physically. The doctor said to me last year that I probably have gastritis and told me to follow a bland diet and gave some anti acid stomach medication. I had periods where I drank nothing at all for a couple or a few weeks and usually that was out of lockdown. I do have a job, lots of friends and hobbies for example like being on a pub trivia team and all sorts of other going out and socialising. The problem for me is lockdown has been not just lockdown itself but how much I absolutely thrive on socialising and being around people. Even e.g. I like arts and crafts and in the past did art at school and university and some art classes for fun too. But doing it on my own just seems kind of boring and I lose interest. I've lived alone for eight years in my parents' investment property (I pay rent). At first I didn't like living alone but I always worked and went out with friends and family and wasn't really home much. So didn't care really and was never lonely. Since COVID I'd spent months literally alone 24/7 and not really have any "inside" hobbies. Before COVID I usually didn't even have any streaming services like Netflix because I didn't even watch them unless I went to a friend's place or they came over. Though I tried to enjoy watching TV, reading and writing, they're not my favourite things to do and especially not on my own. Of course we have to adapt to life, as we never know what might hit us. E.g. People that lived through wars. It must have been very hard for your son to do home schooling and especially with you and your husband working too. Which country are you from if you don't mind me asking?

Well in my city in Australia we've had basically like nearly a year of very hard lockdown. I was trying to do all this online dating and especially last year a lot of these "dates" was just video calls and virtual movie and so on. Many of them fizzled as well. If I must be honest, I don't really want to put such a huge amount of effort into something either where you talk and message all the time, when I'd never even met the person in real life. I know in lockdown there's not much to do but it takes a lot of time and physical and emotional energy, and may prove to be all for nothing. I feel like if the lockdown was going on for too long that I might drop off as well because I might feel like it’s all a big limbo. However, if lockdown lifted and I did really like that person from the video calls and so on, I feel like I'd want to meet at least once to really get that closure. To really know if it could be something or not. Because you both live in the UK and as I understand the UK is not a massive country territory wise? It looks so small on the map lol I have been to London though which isn't small. I think let's just say if you met and you really like each other, you could probably travel to each other. You could spend weekends at each other's place and things like that. My advice would be just to suggest to him to meet. You could meet halfway somewhere. Just see how it goes. If it's not good in person that's OK. Then you have your answer. Sometimes in life you gotta take risks though. Sure, you might travel far and waste your time but otherwise how will you know?

Yes. I think also it's not necessary to go on Google and be like: "I'm right, look here is the evidence". That is patronising. And especially about things which actually don't matter, like the eggs and chicken thing. What does that really have to do with your relationship, the mother visiting L.A., your plans? Basically nothing. And to be perfect honest, if you are older and you have a much younger person trying to "school" you, it is irrirating. I'm 36 and let's say if I had a 15-year-old going on Google about trivial things and being like: "Ha ha, I proved you wrong." I would be like: "Buzz off" lol

Thank you. Yes you are right, I do need to take care of myself. I'm really falling into a depression and just lying in bed all the time or sleeping and don't leave the house. Which is also because we're in a very strict lockdown but I am still allowed to go for a walk, which I don't do. I need to push myself to get better and be grateful for what I have. Even though I don't have much at the moment.

Thank you. Yes you are right. I won't contact him anymore. I think you are actually right to be honest that he probably just wanted to have "A girlfriend". He didn't seem to be making any effort to actually be interested in any of my interests or who I am really as a person. And making comments like: "I was just happy you exist and you should just be happy I exist". So probably I could have just been any woman, doesn't matter that he had zero in common but just as long as he could say he had a girlfriend. I did actually have very strong feelings for him which I know doesn't make sense but I guess feelings are involuntarily.

Thank you. I don't have a sponsor because I don't do AA but I attend a SMART Recovery Zoom meeting for addiction support. In fact I'm going to attend it in two hours. The people and facilitator in it are very nice. I did well before because I drank no alcohol at all for two weeks. But then after the break up I slipped up and had a big binge. I really can't drink anymore because the alcohol is causing gastritis and I'm in bad pain in my stomach and very sick. I have a therapist also and it's hard because I can only talk to her on video but it's better than nothing of course.

Thank you very much. Yes I think part of it was not ending on friendlier terms and that I didn't break up in person. But in hindsight I can also see that he was just pretty immature. I understand when people are hurting and angry, they might say mean things but I actually think he genuinely thought those things and that's why he was saying them. He said things along the lines of: "I can't believe you'd do this to me, I'm a nice guy who doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or cheat. Some would say you struck gold!" And: "I hope you won't do this to anyone else again" or something like that. I think he actually genuinely thought that just because he's nice and not a drug addict that he doesn't have to do anything else or make any effort. He literally had no idea how relationships work but of course that's also because he's never been in a relationship or really even had female friends. He kept talking about this exciting big surprise he had for me. Then it turned out the surprise was that he was going to set up a desk in his computer room for me and I could do gaming and join him and his online friends in the video games. I think he just had no ability to understand women or even to understand other people. I already told him I'm not a gamer and what things I actually like. So this "surprise" actually was for him and not for me at all. It's just a difficult time for me because I live alone and I don't have any pets and my job has been cancelled to now only working one day a week. I don't get to see anyone really, I miss my work and I'm basically alone like 24/7. We have a pretty bad COVID situation. Already had two months of lockdown and still have another two months (at least). It was really nice to be with someone and we did laugh a lot and had some fun. But I know that wasn't a good reason to stay with someone and also not fair to him too. I have to try to stand on my own and get through this as best as I can. Anyway, thank you very much for your comments. You are always very helpful.

So you haven't heard from your ex ever since? Look I'm sorry to say but I just think that maybe your ex-girlfriend wasn't really that into you or in love with you. She seems to have dropped you way too fast after you'd already been dating for six months. If she really wanted to work it out then surely she'd try? Just in regards to Russian people though and Russian culture. You are supposed to respect people that are older. In Russia we use a different form of the word "you", depending on whether you're speaking to someone older or more superior like your manager, or just a friend or relative. When it's someone older and especially if you don't know them much you address them by the formal "you". Older Russian people also feel like they can "instruct" younger people. For example, even here in Australia this old lady was talking to me but she didn't realise I was also Russian. It was a cold winter day and I was at the tram stop and sat on the metal seat. And the lady said to me in English: "Don't sit there, it's cold and not good for a woman". I think meaning not good for "down there". This was just a random woman I'd never met in my life but she was older so in a sense felt like she's wiser and was looking out for me. Also Russian people can be blunt just in the sense that they are very honest and they don't use polite phrases like: "Sorry sorry" "If you don't mind", "OK sir". But that doesn't necessarily mean they are actually a jerk on purpose and they hate you or anything like that. This is just part of the culture. On the other hand of course some people just don't get along and don't click, and some do. And that doesn't always depend on nationality or culture. I think where you went wrong is if that you didn't realise that it was a case of "picking your battles". So basically if something isn't that important then why bother? You were dating your girlfriend, not her mother. The mother was going to leave and would be gone and not a problem for you anymore. Your main focus should have been on your girlfriend and just trying to get by with the mother. I think you really didn't understand how to just get along and handle the situation. I think it's not even necessarily cultural but if you have any girlfriend and her mother is saying stuff but it's not about you, just be like; "Yeah OK, sure". That doesn't mean that you agree and in your own mind you can be thinking anything you like. But this is just to make sure that your relationship goes smoothly. You have to understand too that when faced with choosing their parent or someone they dated only for six months, who do you think the person would choose? The parent is their family and the closest person to them and boyfriends come and go.

Well to be really honest I don't think it sounds promising with this guy. I think he probably either just wants to be friends or he likes your attention but ultimately isn't that interested. Talking to you about other girls is poor form. I think if he was attracted to you he would at least try to kiss you if he was at your place. If he's such a Casanova with girls then why is he doing nothing? I understand you're shy and quiet but what you have in your favour is you're a girl. If you went on dating apps you'd get hundreds of messages, I guarantee you. On apps like Tinder you'd have many guys who would want to hook up with you. I'm 36 and I'm overweight and I still get a lot of messages on online dating. When you're in your early 20's, the dating pool is so much larger so there's plenty of other guys out there. I understand these days there's a hookup culture but I don't actually think that hooking up casually and then hoping it'll lead to a relationship actually works. Especially not with a guy who seems to be some kind of player.

I love the lamb quote! Which country/cultural background are you from if you don't mind if I ask?

Well to be really honest, it doesn't really sound to me like you were both acting that mature for people in their 30's. He seemed to be acting weird and too full-on by sending you these really long messages about how you're perfect for each other and meant to be together. And wanted to be in a serious relationship straight away and to meet his son. He doesn't really sound that mature or stable if he's acting like that straight off the bat and not really thinking things through. On your side though, I think you obviously act quite off putting when you're drunk. While being full on but that guy still really wanted to be with you. Both times that you were drunk around him you started accusing him of things he apparently didn't do and things like he didn't hug you and calling him an idiot. Who likes being called an idiot? For one thing name calling is immature and I would be pretty angry if someone did that to me too. Also in the beginning of dating things are meant to be "light and fluffy" and just enjoying each other's company. Nobody wants a lecture straight off about how they're doing all these things wrong and they're an idiot and so on. I think you really need to try to watch your drinking and get a handle on what you're actually saying. It's OK to have a few drinks but if you know you start causing issues when drunk then maybe just try to avoid drinking in the first place. It doesn't really sound like you and this guy are meant to be and like your expectations or communication styles actually mesh well together. Also no offence but it sounds like you expected him to be really grateful that you're "understanding" that he's busy and a single Dad. Well yes it was nice you were understanding but that didn't mean he had to fall at your feet and proclaim how thankful he is. The thing is, yes he is a single Dad and that is his life. If you want to be with a single Dad then that is your decision but to tell him that he's not doing enough for you, while you're so understanding etc, etc..is a bit lame. You either accept that he's a single Dad or you don't. And if you accept it that doesn't mean you deserve some kind of special treatment.

Do you still love your husband? Are you happy with him and want to work on the marriage? I think what he said to you is mean and very uncalled for. I'm just wondering, what is the reason why you both work so much? Are you struggling financially? I don't have kids yet so maybe I can't completely relate, but it seems to me you both work too much. Is there anything you could both work out financially to be able to cut down on your hours? It just sounds to me like neither of you is spending much time with your daughter. You both don't see her until late evening and then only see her on the weekend. Shouldn't a child spend most of the time or at least a large portion of time with their parents? It sounds like your daughter spends most of the time with the people in childcare. My Dad worked too much and was never around when I was a kid. I'm 36 now and I never had a relationship with him. I would recommend if it's possible at all that both you and your husband cut down on your hours to be able to have free time. Another option is you could get another job. By working with your husband so many years you don't actually give yourself any opportunity to meet any other people. At a new job maybe you could work less hours and there might be nice colleagues there you could make friends with. Another option is you could join some Meetup groups and hobby groups. Even groups for women with children or children's play groups where you could make friends with other Mums. You deserve to have friends.

Well in that case I think maybe just take it slow and go with the flow. I wouldn't say she was outright rejecting you but maybe she just wants to take her time with the sex. She obviously is physically attracted to you because she kissed and fooled around.

Yes I could do that. Have to wear a face mask even outside which makes my acne break out but it's better than nothing of course. Thank you very much for the comment.

Yes I thought he meant like "BFF". Best friend forever lol