Tinydance

The main advice I'd like to give you is that I think you need to stop listening to your mother. I remember that you've written about this situation before and you said your mother doesn't like your girlfriend, etc. The fact that you keep mentioning what your mother thinks and how much it's swaying your decision kind of tells me two things: 1. You aren't actually that into your girlfriend yourself and you're looking for reasons to end it, such as your mother's opinion. 2. You are a bit of a "mummy's boy" and you can't think for yourself. I think first and foremost you need to leave out what your mother thinks of your girlfriend and your relationship. As you said yourself, your girlfriend is a wonderful and great person. The reasons why your mother (or you) don't like her are actually judgemental and shallow. Yes she may be from a bad or lower class background but that's her family. If she herself a good person and she's not like them then I don't really think it's fair to judge her just by her family. I understand your concerns about her being obese. However you said "she may be diabetic or have health issues". So is she diabetic now or has health issues now? I actually find that people judge overweight people just because of their looks and assume that they are really unhealthy and sick. Yet people see a slim person smoking, drinking, eating McDonald and they don't think twice about it. I've never really seen people make many comments on the health of thinner people, even if they are seen doing things like smoking or eating junk food. I think not all overweight people are actually unhealthy or unwell. In the case of your girlfriend I don't know of course because I don't know what her lifestyle is like. I think first and foremost you need to think about how YOU feel about your girlfriend. Your mother isn't in a relationship with her, you are. And quite frankly your mother sounds very shallow. My ex fiance was overweight and had mental illness but my parents knew I really loved him, so they never said anything. I don't understand why your mother can't just be happy for you that you've found someone you like. If on the other hand it's you who thinks these things and you need reasons to break up, then yes you are better off to break up.

You actually can't delete threads but the moderator can close/lock your thread so nobody will be able to respond anymore if you ask the moderator to do this. I don't think people were trying to judge you or attack you but you actually did leave out a lot of important information. I think people gave comments on what they could see and it's understandable they didn't see the whole picture, because there was no extra explanation. At the end of the day I think if you just have a bad gut feeling about someone, it's probably because they're wrong for you. So if you feel that then yeah it's just not meant to be.

Well, I think it's fine to feel whatever you feel because we can't control our feelings. What we can control though is what we do with those feelings and how we act. I don't think that how many people someone slept with or dated is a competition. Everyone's life is different, how many people we meet or like may differ from person to person. As you said yourself, previously you were with one girl for ten years and you were monogamous. So obviously you had ten years where you couldn't actually date or sleep with more than one woman. I think jealousy is a normal reaction because we're human. I think if you really want to be with this girl though then you need to try to get past it. It's understandable she's starting to get defensive when you question her to be honest. She didn't really do anything wrong because when she was seeing other guys, she was single. She was broken up with the previous guy and then met a new guy. And what happened was in the past so there's nothing she can actually do about it now and she can't change anything. So to be questioned about it too much would understandably make her feel frustrated. You asked would you go back to this person and you love them and have a connection. Just me personally, yes I would. I'm 36, nearly 37 years old and I know as you get older it's really hard to find someone. If you really feel like you connecy strongly and you never felt that with anyone else, why not give it another try. Yes she's been with more guys than you have women but I don't think that really makes any difference.

Well to me it just seems that you and your boyfriend actually don't have the same beliefs and values about how to be in a relationship. I've seen a lot of posts here even about different views if your partner is allowed to have opposite gender friends or not. And if the opinion is different then I don't think even based on that a relationship could work. People can have different ideas on how they want their relationship to be, but those ideas would need to align for it to actually work. For example, I have some male friends and I actually don't care if my partner has female friends. When I was with my ex fiance, we both had opposite gender friends but we were open and honest about it. Also we both really trusted each other so we didn't mind if one of us went to a party or out with friends without the other. We actually had a pretty free relationship but our only agreement was that we are honest and we never cheat on each other, which we never did. Having said that, I know there are people who would much prefer their partner had very few or no opposite gender friends, that they didn't go to bars or parties or anything like that. That's also fine, it's just a personal opinion. You said you would prefer that your partner didn't have female friends. You also dislike his best friend of eight years and think he's a bad influence. The thing is, he's not going to get rid of a best friend of eight years over a somewhat new relationship. And even if you made him get rid of the friend, he would be resentful of that. So basically unfortunately your only option is to either accept this friend or end the relationship. I think it's bad that your boyfriend lied to you. One thing that I do see as dodgy is that he doesn't invite you to these parties or out with his friends. When you're a couple usually you go to these things as a couple. I'm not sure if he just didn't want you to come because you don't approve of smoking, or if there were other reasons. The thing is you actually can't change or control your boyfriend. You're checking his phone, questioning him about his friends, his Snapchat, etc. In my opinion that's too controlling. You're checking and asking him about his every move. I don't think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship. If you want a boyfriend who behaves in particular ways then you need one who is like that to begin with. People don't change and this is who your boyfriend is. He smokes weed, parties and hangs out with a womaniser single guy. That's his life. I think your best option is to find someone else who is a better match for you.

Well yes I agree with you, I think it is an extreme reaction. And I agree that her reaction seems as either someone not actually into their partner and looking for an excuse to end it. Or someone who feels so strongly about their own political views that they're almost looking for "an argument" or someone to oppose them. Again, I don't actually really know what Zionism is but as we can't discuss politics here much anyway then I don't feel there's a need to comment on Zionism itself. I think for me personally it would also depend what exactly the flyer meant. E.g. I'm left wing and it's compulsory to vote in Australia. I mean, once you're in the polling booth you can just write nothing or draw silly pictures. But I like to use my vote to actually vote so I vote for some left wing, very open-minded political parties. If for example I found a flyer in my partner's bedroom from a more "right wing" party, yeah I wouldn't be thrilled. But my reaction wouldn't be as strong if I found a Nazi propaganda flyer for example.

Yeah I think this behaviour is very inappropriate. I also think that if the boyfriend had this very strong political persuasion to the point of getting flyers and attending meetings, he wouldn't lie that it's not his. People who belong to radical political groups would feel so strongly that they wouldn't try to cover it up. They want to spread their message and they would be proud of it.

That's your choice of course. Just from what I'm reading it actually seems to me that it's you who's very radical. You found one flyer, he said it's not his but you don't believe him. You're ending a relationship over a flyer. Nor anything he's ever actually said or done, but over finding a flyer on the floor that he said doesn't belong to him. You're not even trying to find more information. If it wasn't my flyer and my partner ended it, I'd actually think I dodged the bullet. I don't need someone accusing me and not trusting what I'm saying.

Well the problem I see here is that there isn't actually any concrete proof that him or his family are of these political beliefs. She hasn't seen anything except the flyer. The date written on it might not mean anything if the flyer was just handed out and they'd already written the date. Some people who try to spread their religion or political beliefs are actually very pushy and pressure the person to take the flyer, sign a petition, etc. I've fallen victim to this myself sometimes because I'm too nice and didn't know how to say "no". Also I know not everyone is the same, but if let's say my partner's sibling or parent had some political beliefs but my partner didn't, it wouldn't necessarily bother me. I think of my relationship of being with my partner and not anyone else. I would probably just act polite around that family member and try to avoid discussing political topics. If I loved someone I wouldn't dump them just because their family marriage believes in XYZ. My partner is not their family members. However if it was their own beliefs then that would be different.

Well at this stage unfortunately that's exactly what it is - you either trust him or you don't. Do you feel strongly enough about your boyfriend just to trust him? Or you're not that invested yet and it's just easier to end it?

I must admit that I don't actually know what Zionism is, but I'll Google it later. I'm not political basically at all myself but I understand that some people are and it may be important to them that their partner is of the same or similar political persuasions. Having said that, I think that your reaction is a bit hasty and over the top just in this particular case. You said you're thinking of ending it just based on finding this flyer but to be honest finding the flyer isn't necessarily proof that he's a Zionist. You've been dating this guy for three months and I assume you have him on your social media. If in three months you haven't seen anything on his social media about this at all and he's never said anything at all, I think it's too dramatic to end it just because you found the flyer. At this stage at least you don't actually have any other proof that he's a Zionist or that anyone in his family is. I'm not sure what your boyfriend does for work or study. I remember that when I studied or worked in the city centre, there were always people either at my university or just in the street that belonged to some kind of "society" and would hand out flyers. If I knew I wasn't interested, I didn't take one, but if I didn't even know what it was I sometimes took one just to see. Sometimes it was something I had no interest in or opposed but I'd just forgotten to throw away the piece of paper. I'm not saying that you should date someone of an opposite political/social persuasion that you don't agree with. What I'm saying is at this stage you actually don't have any or very minimal proof that this is the case. Your boyfriend actually said that he doesn't know what it is. Yes he may be lying but he also may be telling the truth. Also sometimes when people take flyers, it's just out of curiosity. I know I've done that before. I think before considering to break up, you should at least ask him or his family more questions. And look more through his social media or something to see if you find anything. If your relationship has been going well for three months, it seems like a big mistake to end it just over assumptions.

Well I think if you and your ex broke up ten years ago, surely you are both over each other? I doubt your ex would care that much if you want on a date with her friend? If it was a recent break up then I'd say it wasn't a good idea because it would be hurtful to your ex. Ten years is a long time though and I assume your ex has dated other people since then? Do you actually find your ex's friend attractive? Do you want to go on the date? If yes then I think you should go.

I think the issue here isn't just that she's a stripper and "adult entertainer" in an of itself. If you don't care about her sex work/porn/stripping and you accept it then if she wanted to be your girlfriend then I guess it could work out. I think the main issue here is that she's not actually interested in you. She must be a beautiful woman because she's able to make money from her looks by stripping and doing whatever it is she's doing on Only Fans. So I get it, she's very attractive and you're infatuated. It's OK to have a crush on a stripper, after all they're there to entertain their clients and create this "fantasy" for them that they're a guy that can actually "get" beautiful girls like them. I think there's a fine line though between just having a crush and attraction and actually being deluded and thinking that this woman is interested in you. There are no signs at all from your posts that she has interest in you. She just needed to make a sex video for her Only Fans and she didn't actually choose you, you volunteered yourself. She agreed to do the video with you because she needs content for her Only Fans to make money. Her "relationship" with you is only to make money, through you being her stripping client and also through using you for her Only Fans. She has a boyfriend now so I think now it's really time to start seeing the reality, that you most likely don't have a chance with this girl.

Well that's absolutely fine if you don't want to have a threesome. Of course it's not for everyone. I think regarding a threesome though, it's not necessarily good or bad in and of itself, but it's just a personal choice. Some people are into it (both male and female) but some don't feel comfortable with it. I don't think it automatically makes her bad person just because she had a threesome. It depends though whether it is a thing she regularly did and wants to do, because you don't want that. Also if she's bisexual then I guess it's good for her to be open with you about her sexuality because partners should be honest with each other. I think two people with different sexual pasts could work out if they really like each other and accept and respect each other's choices. So, she would need to respect that you are not interested in threesomes and not suggest it. And I guess you'd have to accept her sexual history. I mean, she can't change what she's done in the past. So if you want to be with her you'd either have to accept it or decide you are too incompatible and end it.

I know it's really hard to find someone and if you're in Australia (I am too), it's not a very big country so I know that makes it harder. I understand how you feel in that regard but I think you're getting way too attached to this guy and you're making too much of it. He said he doesn't want a relationship and you've just been seeing him casually so I think you need to try to control your emotions and not fall head over heels in love with him. He probably does like you as a person and finds you attractive but he doesn't like you enough to actually be in a relationship with you. It's hard to know whether him not being over his ex is the real reason. It might be the real reason, but often people will also use the ex excuse when they're not that into someone and/or they're just looking for something casual. I think if he really has feelings for you and wanted to be in a relationship with you, then he'd just go for it. I think that it's possible this guy isn't over his ex but he doesn't know many people in Australia yet and he's looking for friendship/companionship. But he did say he's not looking for a relationship so you and him aren't on the same page.

Look, you seem like a very open minded guy because you don't judge this woman and don't mind that she's a stripper and want a real relationship with her. Unfortunately I think that most likely she's not actually into you romantically. You're a customer to her who helps her make money. She actually didn't even ask you specifically to do the pegging video for her Only Fans. It was you that put yourself forward for it. It sounds like the way she makes her money is by performing in the adult/sex industry and she has a lot of fans and admirers who pay her. I think that you're just one of her fans but I doubt that she actually has feelings for you. I guess if she's really attractive and popular then you're lucky that you'll actually get to have sex with her because most men probably don't. But remember she's doing it to make a sex video to make money so really she's just using you for her own benefit. She probably has hundreds of guys into her at the strip club and thousands, if not millions on Only Fans who are all willing to pay money to her and buy her gifts. In a sense she's like a sugar baby and her interactions with men are mostly all to earn her money.

Well I think that yeah unfortunately you and your friend are probably too different. I'm guessing that this topic she was ranting about is actually really important to her. But it's not important to you and in fact it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's true that you should be able to express how you feel but on the other hand it doesn't feel good to be censored by a friend either. I imagine if I was talking about something really interesting and important to me and my friend told me to stop and said I can't talk about it, yes it does sting. People should be able to be themselves with their friends (within reason). I think that's why it's important to be friends with like minded people with the same beliefs and values to begin with. If you have similar ways of thinking, political persuasions, beliefs, etc. you can just "gel" naturally. That way nobody needs to censor anyone because you are already on the same page with your views and what you want to talk about. I agree it's immature that M said to S not to post in the group chat. But on the other hand if M didn't want to speak to you then why have the group chat going? If she's talking only to S and you're talking only to S, it does make sense why M would want to end the group chat. So M could have stopped posting in the group chat herself, but I think she took it too far by being controlling towards S and telling her what to do. I think that if you don't want to be friends with M anymore then you should probably just tell her this and then delete her from Facebook. You have to try to see it from her perspective too that she really cares about that topic and you basically "shut her up". You haven't mentioned in any of your posts what the topic actually is so obviously it's difficult for me to say whether that topic was offensive or warranted to make you feel uncomfortable. I think this is the thing, if you don't like what someone talks about or is interested in, you don't have to be friends. But I think you also can't really say to them: "Don't talk about XYZ". Friends should be free to talk about what they want, within reason of course. Unless it's something very extreme like they support Hitler and are pro holocaust and the Nazis or something. But e.g. if your friend talks about a political topic a lot, let's say they follow XYZ political party but you don't, it's just a matter of difference. For example, if I had a vegan friend who is an animal rights activist and talks about how eating meat is bad, etc. I'm actually not vegetarian or vegan, I eat meat. So it would make me feel uncomfortable but my friend has the right to be vegan and to feel passionately about it. If I don't like then I don't have to be friends. Basically all my close friends are not vegan and also eat meat, and we never run into any of these issues. What I just said is purely only an example but I'm trying to make a point that if your views are too different, no you probably can't actually be friends. Which is why you've had this big falling out.

Well it's completely understandable that you're disappointed and anyone else would be too. Dating is really hard. I'm 36 and also never married and no kids but I'm a woman so I don't have forever to have kids. To be honest though, the dates with this woman and her saying she didn't feel the "connection" sounds like exactly what happens with like 90% of online dating for 90% of people. I've been doing online dating for 19 years and I've never actually had any real relationship with anyone I met online. I'd only had a few hookups and dating a couple of people for a couple or a few months but nothing too serious. All my longer term relationships were with people I met in real life. I'm actually not sure exactly what this woman meant that she didn't feel the connection, really it could be anything. When I say to someone that I don't feel a "connection", what I usually feel is no spark/chemistry, not attracted to the person, no click, not much in common. Things like that. When I say not attracted to them, it doesn't mean they're ugly by any means. It just means I'm personally not attracted to them. It may have been the Hindi thing but really it could be anything. I think if she liked you, she may not have cared that you speak Hindi. I think it's good that you are putting yourself out there and you went and met this woman and gave it a go. You never know unless you try, right? I know it sucks that you spent money on the trip, but just because you did doesn't mean it was going to work out or that this woman would be interested in you. Even if she appreciated you coming to see her, she can't just force herself to have romantic feelings for you if she just doesn't. I was actually using a paid dating website and you have to either pay per "stamp" to start a conversation with someone, or a $50 or $60 per month membership. So I was spending money on that website for many months but I didn't find anyone. Well in fact I'd been on that website for 19 years on and off. But my best friend went on that website 14 years ago and she had only been on dates with five guys from there and after that she found her husband! She's been with his all that time and they have kids together. So it seems to be some kind of just dumb luck. Anyone can pay money for that website but obviously the website can't control whether you actually will find someone there or not. My advice would be to keep looking and don't give up. That's the advice I gave myself and I'm sticking to it lol

No, DON'T trust him. Who cares if he wants to divorce his wife! Besides, that's what all cheaters say. He lied to you and he cheated on his wife and lied to his family. He doesn't sound like a good person at all and you can find a much better guy who is single and a nice honest person. I'm very sorry to hear that your Mum is sick 😞 I hope she will feel better soon!

Well I don't have kids but my best friend has two small kids and I know from her that it's really hard. So I totally sympathise with you in that regard of course. But I also think that even if your mother-in-law doesn't work, that still doesn't necessarily mean that she has to wait for a long time for you and your husband to pick her up from her place and go somewhere. E.g. If you said to her you'd pick her up at 11:00 a.m. let's say but you only arrive at 11:30 a.m. or 11:45 a.m. because you were getting the baby ready. Maybe she wants to actually leave at the time or at least as close as possible to the time you said you would. People usually like for other people not to be late and to stick to a promised schedule. That expectation is of most people, whether they have kids or don't. Maybe your MIL comes over and rushes you because she thinks that you should be leaving the time you said to her you'd leave. Don't forget also it was you who invited her to come on the trip with you so it's not like she just randomly turned up. I agree with the other posters that your husband should be helping you with chores, etc. and to get the baby ready. Especially if his own mother is coming over and it's the two of them that want you to hurry. Why is your husband doing nothing to help but just sitting there telling you to hurry up?

Well believe it or not, I totally know how you feel because when I was a teenager, my parents kept moving around a lot and I kept going to four different high schools and was very hard to make friends. The good news is it gets better! I finished school like 18/19 years ago now so I'm speaking from experience! I think maybe some of what you're saying is actually your low self-esteem talking and you being harsh on yourself. I'm sure you are good at some things! I know this because everyone is good at something. Buy to really get out of your shell and make new friends, unfortunately you will actually need to leave the house and not just stay home all the time in front of the TV and Playstation. Some good ways to make new friends is to join extra curricular activities at school, such as a social club or some kind of activities club. Do you have these at school? You could also join some groups like these outside of school too. I went to some youth groups during school and after school too in my early to mid 20's. I made a lot of friends there and some of them I still speak to now. Also you could so some volunteer work. Do you have any hobbies and interests apart from TV and video games? I think you should try to pursue those because sitting at home won't do you too much good if you're feeling low already. Also don't put too much pressure on yourself to be "good" at things. You are only 15 years old, you're so young. Just focus on school, doing well so you can go to university or do whatever you want after school. Try different things out and don't worry if you're not good at some things because that's normal.

Well, sure, give him some more time but I think don't chase him. If he wants you, he can come to you on his own. I'm sure you are a great woman and there are other guys out there who would be honoured to call you their girlfriend.

Well I agree with you, of course if someone can actually marry or be in a de facto relationship for the child's benefit, no doubt that is better. I'm talking about if the person hasn't really got many options left. Not everyone gets the opportunity to find someone by a certain age and unfortunately that's just how it is. No offence but I think it's easy to say these things if you're married and have kids yourself because you haven't actually experienced what it's like not to find someone and have no kids. I went on a few dates with a man who was 48, nearly 49 and he had no kids and wanted them really badly. To be perfectly honest he was actually acting quite desperate. I only went on three dates with him and right from the first date he began advertising himself and boasting about himself, how financially successful he is and that he would be a really good Dad. Even to the point that I think some things he said about how rich he supposedly was, sounded like lies and some things just didn't add up. He said he wanted kids so bad and he wanted to adopt or use a surrogate mother. In Australia we basically don't have surrogacy because it's illegal to get paid for being a surrogate. So why would a woman want to do this for nothing and carry that baby and then just give it away? He also said he tried adoption but he just got rejected because he's a single man on his own and he was nearly 50 years old. So as you can see some people have very little options and I'm sorry to say such negative things but it's just a reality. One of my friends also has a friend who didn't find anyone by 39 years old and she just used a random sperm donor from IVF to have a baby alone. I actually think that using a sperm donor and being a single parent in some sense could be worse for the child than having a baby with a friend. For example, if I used a donor, he doesn't need to keep in touch with the child at all if he doesn't want to. If I tried to contact him, legally he's completely within his right not to respond. And even if he did respond, he may have very little contact with the child. Whereas having the baby with my good male friend, he said he would see the child all the time and also his mother really wants to be involved as a grandmother. My friend also has a brother who has small children so my child would have a second family and cousins.

I don't think that seven months is actually short at all. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think this guy was honest that you are just a companion to him. He really doesn't seem sure about you. When you asked him, after seven months he should have said something like: "OK maybe it's time we make this relationship official and say we're boyfriend and girlfriend now". Instead he just said you're a companion and now he's taking time away from you and "thinking" about it. If he feels strongly about you and wants to be with you, what is there to think about? I think if you want a serious relationship, you need to value yourself more and don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. You deserve a guy who actually wants to be with you and wouldn't hesitate in his answer that you are his girlfriend. I think you're wasting time on someone who doesn't feel that way about you.

No, sorry, I won't recommend anything because what you're doing is wrong and unfair. I understand it really hurts to be cheated on but you're bringing so much past baggage into this new relationship. This guy is a new person, he is not your ex. Unless someone actually shows you that you can't trust them, e.g. they do something wrong, you just have to trust them. How would you feel if you found out your partner was doing this to you in secret? You wouldn't like it, right? It's a complete violation of trust and personal privacy.

No, not arranged marriage but if you got to say your 40's and you didn't find anyone (hopefully you won't), you could just have a child with a female friend who didn't find anyone either. But I'm not sure if it's allowed in your religion, etc.