Tinydance

I'm sorry, I am VERY confused. You were dating this woman for a year and literally right from the start you had very large amounts of evidence that she's cheating on you with many other men. You don't honestly believe she was raped (at least not by all) when she was very willingly texting them all constantly and meeting them by her own wishes? Because she was in a relationship with you she shouldn't have even been meeting men as "friends". She should have been looking for female friends only because she wasn't single. You were working and providing for her financially for a year while she's dating other men. And you ask "Should I break up with my girlfriend?" I don't understand how this is even a question! Of course the answer is yes!!

Thanks Choco. I think you're right. I tend to be a bit of an over thinker sometimes too. Especially in lockdown because I'm bored AF and my mind just goes around in circles lol

Maybe I'm on a different wave length to everyone else here but I just have a huge pet peeve about people being shallow. I think if my boyfriend was acting like this, it would actually really put me off and even to the point of ending the relationship if he didn't stop doing this. Yes of course if she's a model and very beautiful, he would likely find her attractive. But what I would find concerning is that he shows no interest in any of your other friends as people or their well being, even though he's actually met them. The primary person he should care about here is YOU because you're his girlfriend. So he should care about all your friends (as people) if you care about them. The fact that he keeps saying you should go visit the friend and to say "hi" from him, but never does it for your other friends, plainly shows that he's super shallow. He doesn't have a genuine interest or care about people unless they're hot. He's saying to go visit and to say hi to someone he doesn't even know. Visit for what? It's obvious he doesn't care about your other friends in the same way so for him to visit he might be thinking this friend of yours might become interested in him. So if she became interested, will he just dump you? Of course men are attracted to beautiful women but there's a difference between thinking she's hot in his own mind and actually behaving like this. Do you really want a guy who's going to keep trying to go after another woman just because she's attractive? And what makes it worse is she's actually your friend. Men will always see beautiful women around them but the point is they should like their girlfriend or wife enough that they don't actually do anything about it. He's very obviously doing something about it.

Sorry to go on about this again.... I've just been thinking about this a lot and wasn't sure if maybe I should just say some things for closure to this guy. We ended on a fairly bad note. I know this was bad but I actually spoke to him about all my concerns that I wasn't sure about the relationship and that I was thinking of breaking up over a video call. I said I needed time to think about it. Then for the next two weeks he kept texting me and I was replying because I was still thinking about it. He said he wanted me to meet his new puppy. I said I'd come over but I honestly wasn't feeling well at that time. I'd had an iron infusion in the vein and it caused bad side effects like fever, headaches and body aches. I did do a COVID test which was negative. Anyway then I texted him and said that I wasn't sure if I should come over because I'd like to break up. It's a half an hour drive from my place to his place so it was going to take one hour overall. But I know it was bad not to break up in person. I didn't say anything bad in my texts but just that I'm really sorry and he did nothing wrong but we're just so different and have nothing in common. He was still trying to convince me that it's not a problem. I said I felt very unwell and needed to go to bed, which was true. I apologised again. Then he sent me that kinda nasty message and I'd had a little bit to drink (not much) so I was tipsy. I reacted badly and deleted him from Facebook. I tried to talk back normally but he was obviously really upset and his messages had an angry tone and he was angry that I didn't break up in person. I didn't want to talk anymore at that time so blocked his number. I really don't feel good about ending on such a bad note and that I didn't break up in person. But I'm not sure if there's much point in contacting him any more because maybe it's too late? I mean to try to end on a better note...

Well I'm not sure why she declined sex but the thing is that's what she said, so unfortunately you have to respect it. She seems to be someone that doesn't rush sleeping with someone. I guess some people don't want to just do everything in sex in one go. They might start out with kissing and fondling and then keep progressing. Do you like this girl and want to keep seeing her? If yes then you could wait and see what happens. But if after another few dates she doesn't want to have sex still then yeah not sure what her reason would be. But I guess because it was only the first time you came over then you could give it more chances.

Well yes, I think that the cash in hand payments will work well for him, but not for you. If something went wrong then he would not be accountable for it, you know? It would just be his word against yours.

I think the reason why I wouldn't want to rent from him firstly would be the cash reason. I'm not sure what country you're in but here in Australia all landlords and tenants always have a legal lease agreement, which they both sign. Australia has very strict renting laws which are usually respected. Signing the lease document gives the tenant all their legal rights and legal protection in case something bad should happen. For example, here if things break in the place on their own, e.g. tap begins to leak, the landlord has to pay to fix it. If they are not fixing anything, you can contact higher legal organisations who will protect you. But not having the lease document means you really have no proof that you are even renting from that person. There is nothing to show and cash in hand is illegal, so really the only thing that person could do would be to move out. Also for me it would be the fact that I'm renting from a man who basically lives in the same place. I'm not automatically saying that just being a man he would hit on you or anything but personally I would probably prefer to rent from a female or at least gay man if I'm sharing the space. What would happen of one of you becomes interested in the other or even you both do? If you hooked up but it didn't work out, it'd be very awkward. But to me personally the fact he's man and your colleague is a more minor issue and the cash I hand payments are the real problem. Unless you're in a country where this is normal and things are often done "under the table". Which I know they are in some countries.

The religion aspect is really not a problem and I wasn't going to say anything about religion. I understand the intentions would be to marry but I don't think that should mean that you can't date at all. I think you could still go on dates and spend time with women. That way you could get dating experience and also understand how to interact with women and help you see what you're looking for in women too. Even if let's say this girl is copying your clothes to send you some kind of "message" and you keep wearing certain clothes, that's immature. You are 35 years old and she's 26 years old, right? If you like each other then continuing to copy the clothes and do nothing else is childish. When adults like each other, they actually DO something about it. What is the point of what you're doing? If you really want to know if she likes you then why don't you just message her and ask her out? Even if you're limited in terms of dates because of COVID, but you could still do a phone call or a video call with her. Don't you want to know if she ACTUALLY likes you rather than reading some weird cryptic clues? I know you said you're shy but if you want to be with women, you actually need to stop talking and start doing.

Well the reason why this is dodgy is because the person he should want to practice on is YOU.

No, listen, your husband IS bad and he IS violent. The reason why I say that is because cheating is somewhat common and nobody deals with it by physical violence. Your husband is some kind of aggressive, extreme alpha male type of man. He's also very irrational. He has to understand on some level that your affair partner isn't really the one to completely blame for the affair. You are his actual wife who had to have loyalty to him and it was you who chose to to do this. A person who has been cheated on needs to focus primarily on their partner as the person to blame. But again violence and physically hurting people is not normal and above all yes it is illegal. I think you need to accept that this marriage is very well over now. You cheated because you weren't happy but your husband has also now shown you WHY you weren't happy.

Also I think a relationship can't be great if there is even one bad thing that is so huge. And wanting your partner to have a job is a pretty basic thing to ask. But even if it was something like for example someone is a vegan and only wants to date vegans. But they're dating a meat eater hoping they'll change and become a vegan, become the person they *really* want. Well, that person most likely would not change because people don't change. And even if the rest of the relationship was great, that one big thing would mean that it wouldn't work out.

May I ask you a question? Have you dated much before or had relationships? I'm sorry but you said you're 35 years old but you don't sound very mature or experienced for your age. I completely understand about crushes or infatuation and no doubt they can feel very strong. You are using the word "love" but I don't think that what you feel is actual real love. You don't actually seem to be that close to this girl. To love someone truly you either need to be in a relationship with them where that love grows, or you at least need to be very close with them. E.g. If they're your best/close friend. You don't have any of this with this girl so I very much doubt that you love her. Secondly, no means no. It doesn't mean yes or maybe. When people say no, they mean it. I'm sure even a shy person wouldn't say "no" when they didn't want to say it. Please stop thinking of this woman is a helpless little fragile butterfly that you need to coax into liking you. It's creepy and insulting. Believe and respect what she said and believe that she's an adult capable of speaking her mind.

Well first of all, I really doubt he's looking because if he was truly looking for a job, he'd find it. If he honestly wants to find a job and his anxiety is getting in the way, then he needs to get help. He needs to do therapy, take medication, do everything he can. I'm not sure what country you're from but here in Australia we have employment agencies that are specifically for people with disabilities and physical or mental illness. They give a lot of support and they also have connections with more tolerant and supportive workplaces. Having agoraphobia is also not completely limiting because these days there are many jobs where you can work from home as well. Especially during COVID. You have anxiety and you're a prime example of how a person with anxiety can still work. You might think that you're helping your boyfriend by financially supporting him but you're not. You are enabling him to not want to improve himself or to better his situation or life. Of course he's not going to try to get a job because he doesn't really need to. You pay for everything and provide everything. I'd also like to say from personal experience that people don't change. I had literally the same issues with my ex. I did everything to help her look for work, I even actually wrote her applications. I even got her some jobs but she didn't even go to the interviews or go to the job. I tried for 1.5 years but then I just gave up and dumped her. Now she's a 35 year old woman who has pretty much never worked in her life. She doesn't even really have anything wrong with her except some mild depression.

I'm in Australia so you don't need to use miles with me 😜 I don't even understand miles lol Dude sorry I'm not going to give you any advice on how to keep hitting on a girl that already said no to you. You've known her for eight years, nothing has ever happened between you and now she actually told you she's not interested. How can she be your "dream girl" when you've never even had anything with her? Do you mean "fantasy girl" where all you have is a fantasy of her and nothing in reality. Please don't be one of those creeper guys who just don't take no for an answer.

Awwww thank you so much ❤

Hmmm well you don't seem happy? You seem to have disconnected from your wife a long time ago. A decade ago to be exact. What's your gut feeling telling you?

Sorry but I think that girl who said "no" is not interested. Because, well it's self explanatory, she said no lol Are you able to actually meet the Zoom girl in person or it's not possible because of COVID?

Yes it doesn't seem his interest is in riding a bike, but something else 😉

"But I don't love her any more." I think that without thinking about anything else, THIS is your answer. Being in a relationship should be voluntary and bring you happiness. You can't be in a relationship just because you feel sorry for someone. You should only be in a relationship if you WANT to. Unless we deliberately torment someone, it is never our fault if someone chooses to commit suicide. My first boyfriend actually committed suicide and it was a choice he made. My ex fiance had severe mental health issues and kept talking about suicide but he was a drug addict, so I had no choice but to leave him. I just told myself that if he'd committed suicide, it wouldn't be my fault. We should all be free to leave a relationship if we're not happy. If that person doesn't have the mental strength to handle it, it's not our fault. I understand that it's not your girlfriend's fault that she has mental illness but it's not your fault either. Yeah maybe it's unfair but because she's a woman in her 30's, it's her responsibility to get help for herself. She needs to get therapy and go on medication. If she doesn't want to help herself then there's not much you can really do. She also could make friends and even attend support groups and things like that. I'm not really sure if what she told you about her parents is true. Really, they would disown their child just because she didn't complete a thesis? I think she probably feels ashamed of it and she's just too embarrassed to tell them. It's definitely not your responsibility to "save her" and go so far as to change your career for her. All that would be pointless anyway because you don't actually want to be with her. When I broke up with my ex fiance, he talked about suicide so I called the Crisis and Assessment Team. They came and visited him at home and he was already a patient at a hospital from his previous stay in the psychiatric ward. I knew the professionals were looking after him so I felt at peace that I did my best to help him and it was out of my hands now. If you break up with her and she talks about suicide, I would recommend you Google a help line where she lives and you call them and tell them to call her. Or you call an ambulance to come. After that it's out of your hands because you're not even in the same country.

Yes I'm thinking the cycling and hobbies are not the issue? Are you losing interest in your wife in general?

In self defence, yes. In any other case no I don't think there is a place for violence.

I'm sorry, I know you wanted something positive but the thing is, if she lost her mother a year ago but only now she's saying she wants space and can't commit, why now? I'm not saying she should be over it just because it's been a year but this just seems very sudden. Maybe the "break up" doesn't only have to do with her mother's death. I think unfortunately you have to respect what your girlfriend asked. You just don't really have any other choice because it's what she wants. I think you could say to her how much you love her and that you're always here for her if she needs you. But there isn't much else you can do unfortunately.

Sorry but I think that acting in such an extreme, unhinged manner is not normal, OK, or acceptable. We all have bad things happen to us in life and I will repeat that violence is NEVER OK. Violence is illegal for a reason. The law, the government and police consider it completely unacceptable.

Well your friendship with him sounds really nice and I'm glad that you've found that. I really want this to work out for you but at the same time I just want to be honest as well. You know that phrase "men and women can't be friends"? Most of my male friends have either wanted to hook up or date me. Partially for those reasons I don't actually have many male friends. I have three close male friends and two of them I have hooked up with. The third one is gay lol So basically what I'm getting at is if you hang out so much together all the time for 1.5 years and you get along so fantastic, why has he never made any move on you? Especially as he's single. Why would he be doing nothing and letting you "get away", in the romantic sense? I think maybe you've been friend zoned, but I could be wrong of course.

Well his whole message was pretty immature. I did think he was nice at the start and I knew he'd never been in a relationship before and was a virgin, but I wanted to give him a chance. Then as time went on, I began to see that yes he had no idea how you're supposed to be in a relationship but maybe also that he's kind of self-absorbed and too set in his ways. He kept suggesting that I should play video games even though he knew I'm not really that into them. But I made the effort to watch Twitch and play some video games with him because I knew it was important to him. I'd also met his Mum, his friends and his online friends. I asked him to go for a walk with me many times and each time he declined. One time when I went it was actually later in the evening and dark but he still didn't agree to accompany me, not even for safety. He stayed home and played video games. He said to me that he'd always wanted a partner all his life and he was so happy he found me. But yet when a partner is standing right in front of him, asking to do things together as a couple and be part of my life, he just preferred to play video games just like he always did. He wanted me to do everything he likes and meet all his friends and family but he always flat out declined to do anything I wanted. I pointed out to him that if he's not interested in any of my interests, I would never want to force him, but maybe we're just incompatible. And he said it's really not a problem and we can just do our own things separately and with our own friends. Which actually begs the question why have a partner if you don't do anything with them? The point of having a partner is they are your companion in life and join you in most things in your life. Also he made comments like "I was just happy you exist" and wanted to introduce me to everyone straight away. I know he did feel really strongly about me for real but it also just felt a bit like he was showing off and just wanted to prove to everyone: "Look, I got a girlfriend". I shouldn't be happy that someone just exists and think I "struck gold" just because he's nice, doesn't drink, do drugs or cheat on me with other women. This is literally a bare minimum that someone would want in a partner. Majority of people are nice, not alcoholics or do drugs. I found some of his comments actually laughable to be honest. Saying that he's such a great catch and I struck gold. When in reality he was probably the worst partner I ever had because we had not one thing in common except maybe that we both like dogs. And he was the worst at sex because literally he was a virgin. The sperm comments were ridiculous. As a woman he has no idea what a piece of cake it is for me to get sperm. It costs $2000 to get donor sperm from IVF. A very small price to pay to be able to have a child. As a woman I actually have the ability to have a child on my own - he doesn't. Nobody wanted him or his sperm before me so what makes him think he's gonna get all these women that "want his sperm".