New relationship confusion

Hi, so I've been recently kind of dating this guy and I've been feeling kind of confused about where everything is at and how to go forward.

I met this guy about 2 months ago in the middle of feb on a dating app. I was the first one that messaged him and tbh I wasn't sure what I thought of him when we first started talking as he's not the sort of guy I'd usually go for but we ended up pretty much texting every single day for hours after we first started talking and he's a really sweet and cool guy.

I met up with him in person maybe 2 weeks after we first met online and things were really good. We have since been on maybe 6 in person dates mostly at his house because of restrictions (however where I live restrictions aren't as strict as some places and we are still allowed to go out to see one person, we are also told it's fine to see romantic partners so we aren't doing anything wrong by seeing each other). We've gotten intimate and really like being around each other he always mentions he enjoys my company and likes me which is good.

The problem is, I really don't know if this relationship is progressing at all or if anything it's regressing. Usually when I've started going on dates with someone we have pretty serious talks early on, like on the second or third date. For example, talks about past relationships and what we're looking for now and what we want in the future and stuff, but I've never had these kinds of talks with him and I find it really difficult to. At times he's mentioned some relationships he's had and small things about them, like how one of his exes strung him along for a year because he had money, but he never seems to want to get deeper into talking about these things and kind of shuts off in a way after talking about it a little. Like he doesn't want to be vulnerable. It's not like I think it's that important to talk about the past, but I never hear about what he wants now either. We always just mostly talk about very fluffy light stuff, and this is nice because we have a good time, but I feel like I'm missing a bit of a connection that I usually make pretty early on with people.

The other day when I went to his house I was feeling a bit concerned. It's such a weird time right now and everyone is feeling pretty lonely and isolated. We are both still working but sometimes I have only one shift a week now and he is doing a roster where he'll have 7 days off and 5 days on so we are both going a bit crazy I think. Anyway I asked him if us seeing each other is because he's feeling lonely because of everything going on or if he genuinely is liking seeing me. He told me he likes me and he's not just ing me because of covid. I thought this was a really strange way to put it as I never thought of us as just "ing". From day one he's moved really slowly with me and he hasn't been as interested in sex as he has been with talking to me and just hanging out. If anything I've been the more sexual one and pushing the intimacy more than him (he's definitely not asexual or anything though just more of a shy and respectful guy).

Anyway I believe what he said that he genuinely likes me but I've never been so confused about a guys intentions or interest in me before. He texts me non stop when we're not together and sometimes goes a bit silent for like a day after we meet up in person only to start texting me non-stop again. He seems so interested and like he really likes my company and he always says he does. He always says I'm welcome to come over whenever I want but we've never talked about any of this going any further or getting into a relationship or anything. For the past few days he hasn't been talking as much either but I havent been texting much as well because I'm starting to hold back a bit (I'm scared of getting hurt but also it is harder to find things to talk about when there's not much going on and not feeling as good as usual). There's been some up and down and I do feel kind of confused.

Anyway I'm just wondering how I can sort this out. I want to ask where this is going but I'm scared of him shutting down. And I don't know if it's weird that we don't see each other all that often in the 2 months we've been talking and if it's normal that he shuts off from talking to me and texting me sometimes. It's such a weird time right now and I dont know whether to attribute some of these things to covid, (like he may just be feeling off or depressed) or if these are some red flags, also if theres anything I could be doing better to make this work better. Maybe I am holding back too much and it is starting to affect him in some ways too.

Anyway thanks sorry if this post is a bit all over the place just feeling very off at the moment I guess :(

Important aspects of any relationship is knowing what it is and what each person is looking for.

Try to be confident and pleasant about it. Find a good time and just ask him, what is he looking for from you? What does want out of life?

Its just a conversation. If he gets spooked, then you know, this guy isn't worth much of your time.

Some people don't need big talks, they're on the same page from the get go. That can signify a great connection. But just because a person is more quiet or not as confident to bring it up doesn't mean its not in there.

A partnership takes two people trying... where you get into trouble is, if you're the only one trying. Your confusion could be because in your gut, you know this guy is not for you and his actions or lack of makes you anxious.

But I think it never hurts to come right out and be who you are. There are no mistakes. If you put this guy off, by being you, let him go. The right person will find you.

Focus on here and now. Not the future, not the past. That means if you are intimate, talking about being exclusive. His past is none of your concern and your past is TMI. Try to get to know each other without forecasting or interrogations. You are in the get to know you phase of dating, so just be, observe, etc.

We have since been on maybe 6 in person dates mostly at his house because of restrictions We've gotten intimate and really like being around each other he always mentions he enjoys my company and likes me which is good.

 

This sounds typical after only 6 dates and less than 2 months dating in person. I think you have higher expectations because you're having sex and playing house with him. Too much too soon -you're wanting an insta-relationship it seems. You're also not letting him court you -not letting him plan proper dates-of course that's difficult because of COVID but you're going right into the hang out phase that established couples do. You're not a couple or established at this early point IMO.

After 2 months of communicating and spending physical time together 6 times, it seems like there should be a much better comfort level between you two. When you're afraid of scaring away someone because he doesn't want the same thing as you, it's because the relationship is on rocky ground. If you had self worth and confidence, your state of mind would be that you'd lay your cards on the table and if he didn't share your goals, you'd get up and walk away to no longer invest your time in a bad hand.

On the other hand, do you really want to be exclusive with a guy who thinks you're f***ing instead of making love? Someone who doesn't make it clear that he's totally into you and wanting you all to himself?

When a woman is intimate, hormones are released that cause her to want to bond with a man, even if he's not right for her. As far as not wanting to get hurt, well that's impossible when taking risks in love. Go all in when you've seen a lack of red flags and see all your must-haves are in place. Because guys don't want to have to break down walls to your heart. It's too much work. Of course, this guy doesn't have all the must-haves you seek, so it is good to have a wait and see attitude, but because you've given him the gift of your body, you want more regardless of his lackluster interest.

When you're playing games about holding back on communication, then you're not really meshing as you should. People who always want more start making excuses for someone they have hope for. To me its grasping for straws. What you see is what you get, and if it doesn't work for you, why settle? It's better to be single so you'll be free when a better match comes along.

From this man’s perspective everything sounds pretty good. You talk about enjoying your time together with him.

Now is weird moment where lots of us don’t have too much going on...stuck in quarantine and whatnot. I can’t say I’m depressed but I can’t exactly claim to be feeling inspired all the time, either. There’s a major collective doldrums happening. He might be a little low energy like some people are right now, and not his usual self. But if you are enjoying his companionship as he keeps it fluffy light during uncertain and frightening times? I would suggest you keep enjoying it for the time being.

Get to the other side and then go out and do some stuff together. Date and live life together and then you can make a more informed decision about where you’d like it to go? Of course, if I misunderstood your post and what you’re saying is that you are bored, or that you find him to be shallow, or that you believe there is some bonafide deficiency in the dynamic then naturally I’d be curious to hear if you press him a little bit to see if he steps up...let us know what happens!

Hi thanks so much for the responses it's great to get so many different perspectives.

I actually did end up talking to him last night not long after posting my message here and I got some clarity about what's going on. I just asked where his head is at and what he's looking for, not particularly with me but with relationships in general. He told me he's been going through a lot even before covid, in particular with his family, and he's been feeling emotionally unavailable for a while now. He said he does really like me but he's not in the right headspace for thinking about anything long term. He also mentioned that he's pretty damaged in general which he has mentioned before. He's had a really rough childhood and has mentioned little bits of it to me before, like that his dad left, and there was a lot of alcoholism in his family, and that one of his sisters is completely messed up from everything they've been through (used to sneak out as a teenager to sleep with guys and do drugs and is still heavily involved in this kind of lifestyle)

He also mentioned that the isolation is affecting him a lot and that's why he's been more quiet lately, which I totally understand as it's been that way too. He is someone who pretty much never takes time off from work as he likes having things to do. In the last 2 years he's only taken like 7 days of leave so I think he is particularly find i difficult to be staying at home doing nothing so much.

I'm not really sure what to do now. I really feel for him and everything he's gone through and is going through, but at the same time it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and if after talking to him every single day for the past 2 months like very very long talks he can't give me more then I know I'm going to get hurt in the long run. Especially now that he's gone so distant and is pulling away more than before. I'm trying my best to communicate with him right now, but he seems very off and I just don't know if I can handle continuing this if he's not giving me what I need. I'm gonna give it another day or 2 to see if anything improves when he goes back to work tomorrow but if not I may have to get my space. I totally understand everything he's going through and how it would effect him this way, and i want to be there to help but I need to look after myself too :/

Hi thanks so much for the responses it's great to get so many different perspectives.

 

I actually did end up talking to him last night not long after posting my message here and I got some clarity about what's going on. I just asked where his head is at and what he's looking for, not particularly with me but with relationships in general. He told me he's been going through a lot even before covid, in particular with his family, and he's been feeling emotionally unavailable for a while now. He said he does really like me but he's not in the right headspace for thinking about anything long term. He also mentioned that he's pretty damaged in general which he has mentioned before. He's had a really rough childhood and has mentioned little bits of it to me before, like that his dad left, and there was a lot of alcoholism in his family, and that one of his sisters is completely messed up from everything they've been through (used to sneak out as a teenager to sleep with guys and do drugs and is still heavily involved in this kind of lifestyle)

 

He also mentioned that the isolation is affecting him a lot and that's why he's been more quiet lately, which I totally understand as it's been that way too. He is someone who pretty much never takes time off from work as he likes having things to do. In the last 2 years he's only taken like 7 days of leave so I think he is particularly find i difficult to be staying at home doing nothing so much.

 

I'm not really sure what to do now. I really feel for him and everything he's gone through and is going through, but at the same time it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and if after talking to him every single day for the past 2 months like very very long talks he can't give me more then I know I'm going to get hurt in the long run. Especially now that he's gone so distant and is pulling away more than before. I'm trying my best to communicate with him right now, but he seems very off and I just don't know if I can handle continuing this if he's not giving me what I need. I'm gonna give it another day or 2 to see if anything improves when he goes back to work tomorrow but if not I may have to get my space. I totally understand everything he's going through and how it would effect him this way, and i want to be there to help but I need to look after myself too :/

These are very obvious hints this man is not interested in a committed long term relationship. If that's what you wanted, be glad you find this out early. If you stay with him he will eventually use these statements as a disclaimer that he won't be able to give you what you need, he doesn't care, because he already has so much on his plate, his family, rough childhood, mental health, etc etc. Your relationship will be more and more about him, while your needs and feelings will always come second. A "damaged" person cannot sustain a healthy relationship.

Hi thanks so much for the responses it's great to get so many different perspectives.

 

I actually did end up talking to him last night not long after posting my message here and I got some clarity about what's going on. I just asked where his head is at and what he's looking for, not particularly with me but with relationships in general. He told me he's been going through a lot even before covid, in particular with his family, and he's been feeling emotionally unavailable for a while now. He said he does really like me but he's not in the right headspace for thinking about anything long term. He also mentioned that he's pretty damaged in general which he has mentioned before. He's had a really rough childhood and has mentioned little bits of it to me before, like that his dad left, and there was a lot of alcoholism in his family, and that one of his sisters is completely messed up from everything they've been through (used to sneak out as a teenager to sleep with guys and do drugs and is still heavily involved in this kind of lifestyle)

 

He also mentioned that the isolation is affecting him a lot and that's why he's been more quiet lately, which I totally understand as it's been that way too. He is someone who pretty much never takes time off from work as he likes having things to do. In the last 2 years he's only taken like 7 days of leave so I think he is particularly find i difficult to be staying at home doing nothing so much.

 

I'm not really sure what to do now. I really feel for him and everything he's gone through and is going through, but at the same time it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and if after talking to him every single day for the past 2 months like very very long talks he can't give me more then I know I'm going to get hurt in the long run. Especially now that he's gone so distant and is pulling away more than before. I'm trying my best to communicate with him right now, but he seems very off and I just don't know if I can handle continuing this if he's not giving me what I need. I'm gonna give it another day or 2 to see if anything improves when he goes back to work tomorrow but if not I may have to get my space. I totally understand everything he's going through and how it would effect him this way, and i want to be there to help but I need to look after myself too :/

When someone tells you flat out they are not ready, emotionally available, needing space and time.

Believe them. Its over. You don't need to be there for them. They don't want you to be.

Let him go.

Yup, what those two said. I stand corrected on this one.

Thanks for the responses again. I ended up breaking it off today. I really don't think things would have improved everything just felt so off for so many reasons. I am really torn up about it because we were getting along so well in the beginning and I do think if circumstances were different right now and we were able to go out and do other things and keep ourselves busy and distracted things may have turned out differently. It is probably for the best that I've cut this off but I'm definitely feeling down and wish things could have turned out better.

Thanks for the responses again. I ended up breaking it off today. I really don't think things would have improved everything just felt so off for so many reasons. I am really torn up about it because we were getting along so well in the beginning and I do think if circumstances were different right now and we were able to go out and do other things and keep ourselves busy and distracted things may have turned out differently. It is probably for the best that I've cut this off but I'm definitely feeling down and wish things could have turned out better.

Give it some time.

Thanks for the responses again. I ended up breaking it off today. I really don't think things would have improved everything just felt so off for so many reasons. I am really torn up about it because we were getting along so well in the beginning and I do think if circumstances were different right now and we were able to go out and do other things and keep ourselves busy and distracted things may have turned out differently. It is probably for the best that I've cut this off but I'm definitely feeling down and wish things could have turned out better.

I'm sorry you're disappointed! It sounds like you got invested and attached by having so much online contact at first. I hope you feel better soon!!

Sorry to hear this. Just end it. Don't be his therapist.

he's been feeling emotionally unavailable for a while now. He said he does really like me but he's not in the right headspace for thinking about anything long term.

Good that you know now. It's only been 6 dates, next time I think it's really important to slow the sex down, have dates not at a stranger's house and let him make more effort. Aka after the virus situation gets better. He wasn't your partner, he was just some guy you met a handful of times and slept with. Don't mistake that for anything meaningful. You need to not build things up so much so quickly next time.

You came off desperate imo. Sorry.