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Thread: Will I ever reconcile with my ex

  1. #1

    Will I ever reconcile with my ex

    I have read various tips and techniques to try and win your ex back but I am unsure whether to apply this in my situation..

    Since about 2-3 months ago my ex and I became very distant, we were constantly arguing and disagreeing and his family would always get involved and put me down about my weight and how I was as a person, baring in mind I used to be at the family home constantly and help out with hospital appointments, shopping and being a general taxi I guess lol !

    The family and his close friend would constantly twist conversations and make me look like a bad person or a psycho and tell him how much he would be better off without me, which eventually got too much for me. I felt insecure and drained and felt he never understood how I felt because he never experienced this with me.

    I then started a new job and was around this guy constantly at work and started to develop some sort of attraction to him, he was saying and doing all the things my ex wasn't. I felt myself starting to compare them both and talk myself out of love with my ex. I said if he felt like he would be better off with someone else he should go, which is how I was feeling at the time.

    Fast forward to the present, I never ever did anything with my coworker and wasn't planning to as having been cheated on in the past I couldn't bare to put someone else through the same.

    We had been on a few breaks and if I'm honest I wasn't happy, I felt undervalued and like I wasn't good enough for him anymore. However I realised I did still love him and couldn't see my future without him in it. We met up after the last break and I went to meet up hopeful and he said we should be friends which completely broke me. I was in floods of tears and this lasted a few days. I tried to convince him to give it a go because we had nothing to lose but after going back and forth of him wanting to work it out and then not. He refused to sleep with me anymore and branded me emotional and said we should date other people. I then told him I wasn't doing this anymore because he didn't deserve me and I wouldn't be throwing myself at him anymore with the hopes he would come to his senses as I was losing myself.

    After sometime he had contacted me 3 times in the following week and came to see me. His excuse was that he wanted to make sure I was alright. He was genuinely sorry for how he made me feel but no talks of us getting back together.. I was still positive and cheery around him because I didn't want him to know how I truly felt. We have now not spoken for 4 days running now but he did say to me he would let me know when he figured out what he wanted after I said I felt like he didn't know.

    I apologise for the length, this is a summary of the important parts. I am just seeking some advice??

    I am currently studying, socialising, working out and trying to find a new hobby in a bid to work on myself in the meantime.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to continue concentrating on your new life instead of your old one. Keep studying, socializing, working out, work on hobbies and have healthy distractions.

    Consider your ex history. Discontinue ties with him because it's over.

    Never grovel. Keep reminding yourself why your relationship went awry with him in the first place. Constant arguing is not conducive to a normal, sound, stable relationship.

    The family and his close friend engaged in "gaslighting" you. Google that word! It's the nastiest trick in the book and psychological warfare at its finest.

    Keep your professional life just that: professional. Treat your co-worker like a co-worker and leave it there. Avoid awkwardness at the work front and keep things business as usual.

    If you don't see a future with your ex, call it quits because there is no future with him! Be sensible. Being friends won't work because there's too much baggage. He'll only remind your of negative thoughts of the past. Your trust won't for him, his family and friend won't be there anymore either.

    Become strong and independent. This new mindset will be your new power.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You describe this relationship as the two of you constantly arguing and his family and friends disapproving of you.
    Yet you want to go back to that?

    Consider his refusal a gift. You didn't have the strength to walk away from something that wasn't working, but he did.
    It doesn't feel that way now, but it will.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So what has changed him in the last 3 months which will prevent him from sticking up for you when his family and friend badmouth you? He didn't mention how he wouldn't allow this, and didn't even want to get back together.

    It takes a lot more than love to choose an appropriate lifetime partner. Don't feel like you always have to be in a relationship to distract yourself from whatever else is unfulfilling in your life. Keep up with your new activities, and don't allow yourself to jump back into the dating pool until you have relieved yourself of toxic baggage, and have improved your self esteem. Otherwise, you'll keep choosing, staying with, and wanting back men who aren't worthy of you. (Yes, you are the treasure and a guy has to treat you as one or you will head to the nearest exit). Until you have that mindset, enjoy your own company.

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  6. #5
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    You are not compatible and you are always arguing. You also have the friend and family issues. Nothing has changed. You do not work together. It is not healthy.

    Time to block and delete. Move on. He is done .

  7. #6
    That is how I'm feeling also, on the other hand I do still have a glimmer of hope that we could figure it out in the future.

    Also I did forget to mention we were together for a year and a half and aside from the ups and downs, we were good. We are both quite goofy and playful and very driven. I felt like after being single for so long I finally found what I was looking for. He did reassure me that it was me he wanted and his family wasn't important and all that mattered was me and him but I always wondered what was fuelling them. He would call and text every day to see how my day was and see if I was okay but then he stopped trying and so did I. Then the arguments arose..

    He did speak to my mom when we were going through the rough patch I mentioned above and said that after I asked for the last break his feelings towards me started to change. I fear after disregarding my relationship to fantasise over my coworker, I may have contributed to driving him away.

  8. #7
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    You have too many "rough patches."

    Did he stick up for you to his parents and friend?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Aww.... hang in there.... You are doing the right things: focusing on your own goals, starting new hobbies and finding new interests. It just takes more time, than we think to feel completely better and in a new place. All the new stuff is a great distraction, but you are still going to think of him and feel bad sometimes. Letting go of someone that you care about and spent a lot of time with is a process. you will doubt yourself. You will think-- did I make a mistake? Should I try harder? Those thoughts do come. Missing someone and feeling lonely is difficult to deal with. It is a trying time. But you don't have to try so hard. It's ok to take a beat. Feel how you feel but also remember how great you are and how much you have to offer. It sounds like you tried and that is enough.

    But, you can't go back to him. Not now. You deserve better. You guys gave it a good run and it's ok to feel like you guys were good at one time. But he needs to grow up a bit. You could find, in the future, that you circle back to each other somehow. You just never know. But don't focus on that. It's not enough to want him to be better. Some things you just can't explain to him... he doesn't get it. He has to be and do better, but that can't happen over night.

    Don't beat yourself up over the co-worker. You didn't do anything! If anything, that guy showed you want you really want from a man. And that is a good thing.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    PS. I know a lot of people on here post advice to go completely no contact, block, delete, dead. I don't always agree with that. I think it's ok to be silent and when he reaches out to you, to say-- you aren't ready to talk and you don't know when you will be. Or that you ever will be.

    You don't have to hide it when someone hurts you. That is letting them off the hook. And you don't have to go scorched earth in every scenario, either. Sometimes it's good to set a boundary. Yes, that is hard and some people can't stick to it. But when you know yourself, what you want and what you'll accept, it's not that hard. Strive to be that woman.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You have too many "rough patches."

    Did he stick up for you to his parents and friend?
    He did to his mom I can only comment on this because I witnessed it. The other times he said he did and when I was on good terms with his family they confirmed he did stick up for me when I wasn't there. I can't say for definite though because I wasn't there

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