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Thread: Will I ever reconcile with my ex

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    PS. I know a lot of people on here post advice to go completely no contact, block, delete, dead. I don't always agree with that. I think it's ok to be silent and when he reaches out to you, to say-- you aren't ready to talk and you don't know when you will be. Or that you ever will be.

    You don't have to hide it when someone hurts you. That is letting them off the hook. And you don't have to go scorched earth in every scenario, either. Sometimes it's good to set a boundary. Yes, that is hard and some people can't stick to it. But when you know yourself, what you want and what you'll accept, it's not that hard. Strive to be that woman.
    I felt a little bit stupid after posting how I felt but I feel a little better now, thank you. He reached out to me drove over to see me aswell which is more than he was doing. I asked if this was how he treated all his friends and he said no it was just me. After him reaching out to me every few days I asked him to come on a shopping trip with me, he initially said he wouldn't be able to, because he was busy. He then got back in touch about an hour later to say let's go. I feel like to me that isn't the sign of someone that wants to completely rid of me you know ? When I have told him I won't settle for being his friend and didn't know why he still wanted to talk to me if his family weren't keen on me, he told me that he does what he wants and doesn't let someone else's opinion cloud his judgement. I thought maybe if I implemented the no contact rule or even ghost him a little it may give him the space he needs to fully decide what he wants. Even though I openly said I was looking to date other people so he didn't feel like I was waiting on him.

    My feelings are pretty neutral atm, I have cried as much as my body will let me. I'm just a little curious that's all..

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I am so glad it helped.

    No one knows what truly motivates another person and what they are actually trying to do. Some people don't know for themselves what they want. Many times when relationships are ending, it's very scary and no one really wants to be alone. So we back pedal. We say or do enough to keep the person around, but if you look at the words and the actions, they are very open and non-committal. Everyone likes to think they don't let someone else's opinion cloud their judgment. But the truth is, we are influenced by others. And we explain ourselves in ways that put us in the best light. It's not a total jerk move. We all do it. We all struggle with decisions because there is what we know is the right thing to do and then there is what we want to do or have. And that's where the conflict comes in. So we waffle or bargain or explain to ourselves how it should all work out. And then real life happens.


    I would not use no contact or ghosting as a game or tactic to manipulate the situation. I also would not continue to speak to him while YOU ARE NOT SURE (is he completely rid of you? probably not. Will he use you until he is ready to let go? Possibly.) The problem with hanging around with a guy that is telling you he is unsure is, while you are thinking you are doing things to work things out and ride off into the sunset. But maybe he isn't. You have no idea what his motivation is. Relationships can really only be worked out when two people are communicating their needs and wants and committing to working together, because they DON'T want to give up. Not because they can't decide.


    Did you go shopping? Did you have fun? If yes, I would continue doing your own thing. When he contacts you again, just be honest and say something like-- "I had fun shopping, but like I told you, I don't want to be friends." Otherwise you could get friend zoned or used until he finds someone else.

    And don't call him.... I think it's better to let him come to you. When someone contacts you, they want to talk to you and are more likely to be open to what you say. If you call him and just lay this on him, you may catch him at a bad time and it come across a little psycho or needy. And he could respond badly and really hurt your feelings.


    People must be honest about their needs to get those needs met. If you can't say this to him, you are probably giving him too much of yourself. I don't know your ages and you might not be able to do this. And that is ok. But then you should not be so committed to each other. I have found when I have tried to express my needs and it went badly. Then I just had to accept that maybe that person just can't understand me and it's a waste of time and breath.

    Some relationships are worth the work; some aren't. You have to learn to recognize the difference. And there's no definite time table for finding that out. Most relationships are good, until they aren't anymore. And that's when you know.


    Break ups do ebb and flow a little bit. You've had some contact with him and that has satisfied that desperate longing. You realize now, you have some kind of influence on him and you are back in a neutral place. Use that to push further away. There's no law that says you have to take him back, no matter what he says or does. It's totally your decision who and what you spend you time and effort on. Decide wisely and don't settle for garbage.

  3. 10-17-2019, 12:12 AM

  4. #13
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I am so glad it helped.

    No one knows what truly motivates another person and what they are actually trying to do. Some people don't know for themselves what they want. Many times when relationships are ending, it's very scary and no one really wants to be alone. So we back pedal. We say or do enough to keep the person around, but if you look at the words and the actions, they are very open and non-committal. Everyone likes to think they don't let someone else's opinion cloud their judgment. But the truth is, we are influenced by others. And we explain ourselves in ways that put us in the best light. It's not a total jerk move. We all do it. We all struggle with decisions because there is what we know is the right thing to do and then there is what we want to do or have. And that's where the conflict comes in. So we waffle or bargain or explain to ourselves how it should all work out. And then real life happens.


    I would not use no contact or ghosting as a game or tactic to manipulate the situation. I also would not continue to speak to him while YOU ARE NOT SURE (is he completely rid of you? probably not. Will he use you until he is ready to let go? Possibly.) The problem with hanging around with a guy that is telling you he is unsure is, while you are thinking you are doing things to work things out and ride off into the sunset. But maybe he isn't. You have no idea what his motivation is. Relationships can really only be worked out when two people are communicating their needs and wants and committing to working together, because they DON'T want to give up. Not because they can't decide.


    Did you go shopping? Did you have fun? If yes, I would continue doing your own thing. When he contacts you again, just be honest and say something like-- "I had fun shopping, but like I told you, I don't want to be friends." Otherwise you could get friend zoned or used until he finds someone else.

    And don't call him.... I think it's better to let him come to you. When someone contacts you, they want to talk to you and are more likely to be open to what you say. If you call him and just lay this on him, you may catch him at a bad time and it come across a little psycho or needy. And he could respond badly and really hurt your feelings.


    People must be honest about their needs to get those needs met. If you can't say this to him, you are probably giving him too much of yourself. I don't know your ages and you might not be able to do this. And that is ok. But then you should not be so committed to each other. I have found when I have tried to express my needs and it went badly. Then I just had to accept that maybe that person just can't understand me and it's a waste of time and breath.

    Some relationships are worth the work; some aren't. You have to learn to recognize the difference. And there's no definite time table for finding that out. Most relationships are good, until they aren't anymore. And that's when you know.


    Break ups do ebb and flow a little bit. You've had some contact with him and that has satisfied that desperate longing. You realize now, you have some kind of influence on him and you are back in a neutral place. Use that to push further away. There's no law that says you have to take him back, no matter what he says or does. It's totally your decision who and what you spend you time and effort on. Decide wisely and don't settle for garbage.
    Thank you for taking the time out to break things down for me. I will definitely take things on board, I am 23 and he is 25. I have made a few comments about other guys as he told me to date other people and I can see this is quite hard for him to hear. I feel that he said this to me because he doesn't want to commit to what he can't deliver right now and also for me to stop asking where I stand. I believe time is the best healer and everything will work out if it is meant to, I won't force anything.

  5. #14
    Thanks for your positivity, I will definitely drop you an email as I'm quite interested to learn more. I am not sure how this site works as I've only been here overnight. What is your email address ?

  6.  

  7. #15
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    At times when a person passed on toxic thoughts about me from another person, it served nothing but to make me feel bad. You have to wonder if the messenger is being passive/aggressive in order to make you feel bad, but masking that intent since the source was someone other than himself.

    He told you to date other men? That means he's totally over you and is perfectly okay with you being with other men, meaning he no longer cares. Because if a man cared, the thought of that would tear his insides up. And if he cared, he'd pull out all the stops to make the relationship right.

    Do yourself a favor and leave your past behind you. He's not a friend you can discuss your dating life with, like you would with a gf. And when you are done healing and moving on, a new dating prospect won't be continuing on with you when he finds out you stay in contact with an ex you didn't want to end it with. Your ex will also put you on the back burner or make the friendship totally end when he finds a new gf. Save your heart from breaking twice now, and tell him for your own good and closure, that you will have to go no contact. If he doesn't respect what's good for you and balks at losing a fan, it'll be another sign he doesn't care about your welfare.

    A new year is coming up, so it's a great time to start a new chapter of your life. Good luck.

  8. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. From your description of him and his friends/family it may be best to seriously reconsider why you would even want to be with someone like this. Take time to reflect.

  9. #17
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Those on and off relationships are bad news. We call them breakups because they are broken. Sorry.

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