What Happened? Is it me?

[Surfer2019]

I totally agree, the proposal was planned a few weeks ago, before we hit this rough patch, it wasn't planned to make any issues go away.

Bad timing I guess (or good timing, depending how you look at it)

There will be other opportunities in the future I guess, should I feel like we're on the same page again.

Thank you.

Proposing won't make the issues magically go away.

I urge you to postpone the elaborate proposal and give yourself some time to get the help you need.

And 7 months with lots of distracting trips is not the real world. It was just a bit longer than usual honeymoon phase.

Please go forward with getting the professional help. It can only benefit you.

[bluecastle]

Since you're not a "newbie" in the whole business of living thing you very well know that seven months, in the scheme of things, is a blink of an eye. It carries some weight, sure, but not that much weight. Moving in, trips to Cyprus, and so on does not increase the weight, though it can provide the illusion of heavy, much the way fantasies can make the colors or reality shine brighter or drugs can make a few hours of sitting on the couch feel like a trip to the moon—until, of course, they wear off and you realize you've got some bed sores.

Only time increases the weight, makes heavy real. Take a minute, along with a dozen or so deep breaths, to remind yourself of that. Seven months is only seven months. This is not Hiroshima, no matter how it shakes out; it's two grown people who, five minutes ago, were not a couple. If you're incapable of seeing that something is amiss. If your inner clock and scale is outsourced to another person that quickly something is amiss.

I can spin a number of hypotheticals here. On the "everything seems to have changed" front, for instance, I can say that maybe what you're learning is that your girlfriend is not nearly as mature as you'd hoped. You have a kid, have spent time with kids. Show them a rollercoaster and they are the happiest human on the planet, and about the most fun human to hang out with; but once they have to wait in line to ride the rollercoaster they are the most miserable human on the planet, and seriously annoying company. But, of course, they are children so it's all good. Adults who behave like children, who need only candy and rollercoasters to be good company? Not cute, at least not for long. Not all good. She may be such an adult—and, sadly, you started to learn that after sharing keys.

That said, this didn't all just "happen" to you, but something you've made happen too. You're touting your relationship credentials like an MIT physicist listing his degrees to explain the laboratory he blew up; all those smarts aren't putting out the flames, you know? No, the laboratory blew up because he was too stoked about the experiment to access all those smarts, or because he still had a few things to learn and the fire is a reminder of that.

In your shoes, I'd be focused on that—the gap in your own education, now coming to the surface—since you've got no control over her but total control over yourself. You're a touch sick right now and recognizing it. Treat it—not with the relationship medicine, but the real medicine that allows for healthy relationships: with yourself and, by extension, with others. If you have a history of using relationships medically, give that some reflection. If this relationship is making you sick, give that some reflection. Therapy is where we go to become better at reflecting, not where we go to get gold stars from our partners. And with better reflection comes better partnerships, because we're less inclined to use partners as mirrors that only reflect back a version of ourselves that we want to see, while hiding the rest.

[Surfer2019]

Thank you again.

You've got a fantastic way of looking at things. I don't disagree with anything you've said.

I did refer myself to get help for me, because I could see the way I was feeling wasn't normal and I wanted to do something about it, it was for me, but I suppose in the back of my mind I hoped she would be proud of me for making the step.

I'm so glad I posted on here this morning, I was in two minds, but you've given me a clarity I wasn't able to see through my own eyes.

I feel a lot more relaxed about it now, I will get the help I need and go from there.

Since you're not a "newbie" in the whole business of living thing you very well know that seven months, in the scheme of things, is a blink of an eye. It carries some weight, sure, but not that much weight. Moving in, trips to Cyprus, and so on does not increase the weight, though it can provide the illusion of heavy, much the way fantasies can make the colors or reality shine brighter or drugs can make a few hours of sitting on the couch feel like a trip to the moon—until, of course, they wear off and you realize you've got some bed sores.

Only time increases the weight, makes heavy real. Take a minute, along with a dozen or so deep breaths, to remind yourself of that. Seven months is only seven months. This is not Hiroshima, no matter how it shakes out; it's two grown people who, five minutes ago, were not a couple. If you're incapable of seeing that something is amiss. If your inner clock and scale is outsourced to another person that quickly something is amiss.

I can spin a number of hypotheticals here. On the "everything seems to have changed" front, for instance, I can say that maybe what you're learning is that your girlfriend is not nearly as mature as you'd hoped. You have a kid, have spent time with kids. Show them a rollercoaster and they are the happiest human on the planet, and about the most fun human to hang out with; but once they have to wait in line to ride the rollercoaster they are the most miserable human on the planet, and seriously annoying company. But, of course, they are children so it's all good. Adults who behave like children, who need only candy and rollercoasters to be good company? Not cute, at least not for long. Not all good. She may be such an adult—and, sadly, you started to learn that after sharing keys.

That said, this didn't all just "happen" to you, but something you've made happen too. You're touting your relationship credentials like an MIT physicist listing his degrees to explain the laboratory he blew up; all those smarts aren't putting out the flames, you know? No, the laboratory blew up because he was too stoked about the experiment to access all those smarts, or because he still had a few things to learn and the fire is a reminder of that.

In your shoes, I'd be focused on that—the gap in your own education, now coming to the surface—since you've got no control over her but total control over yourself. You're a touch sick right now and recognizing it. Treat it—not with the relationship medicine, but the real medicine that allows for healthy relationships: with yourself and, by extension, with others. If you have a history of using relationships medically, give that some reflection. If this relationship is making you sick, give that some reflection. Therapy is where we go to become better at reflecting, not where we go to get gold stars from our partners. And with better reflection comes better partnerships, because we're less inclined to use partners as mirrors that only reflect back a version of ourselves that we want to see, while hiding the rest.