Doubts in a relationship?

Hi everyone, I apologise if this is a bit long winded and I don't mean it to be but bear with me. Ive been dating my partner for 3 months officially now, we've known each other for 7 months. He's an amazing and great guy. Never had a fight before, nothing bad has ever happened to us within the relationship, everythings going smoothly. However, I can't seem to help feeling doubts in our relationship :/ this is the third time since the 7 months ive known him that i've had uncertainty. 1st time was before him and I were even dating, maybe 2 months since i knew him. 2nd was about 1 and a half months after we were dating officially and 3rd was recently about 2 weeks ago.

I know it's still early days but then im thinking, is it really a good sign to have doubts so early on the relationship? My doubts is about whether him and I are that compatible in a relationship together. He's perfect on paper and ticks all the boxes i look for in a guy, but I don't know if he's perfect for me necessarily. I'm enjoying my time with him right now and I do have feelings for him. I have enough feelings for him that I will actually talk to him about this situation so we can resolve it together but i wanted other people's opinions and experiences just to see.

What I mean about the compatibility is him and I are are very different people, he's an introvert and likes to stay at home type of guy and play games. I'm adventurous, always wanting to go out and do things, im loud and outgoing. I'm deffo an extrovert. I know opposites can attract and i'm not saying its a big problem but i'm wondering will this actually work? I always initiate everything we do as he never knows or 'doesnt mind.' & For me that can be a bit of a turn off , and its a shame as i don't really want to try and change him for who is he. I do believe and I said this to my partner in the beginning when I first had my doubts was i feel another girl could be more suited for him than me. Theres just a gut feeling i keep getting that something is missing in the relationship and i have it in my head it won't be a long term one.

So basically, i'm asking for advice if anyones been through something similiar and it's worked out or not worked out in the end ? I'm not even sure if this early on in the relationship i should be having doubts or maybe it's normal to think like that? I am hoping to talk to him about it and see what he thinks. But i'd like other peoples advices/opinions first.

Opposites attract, but they don't always stay attracted. We're most attracted long term to people who are like us. The fact that you've been having doubts is a good indicator that you probably are NOT compatible

But you have to ask yourself if you want to throw him over just because he doesn't want to go out partying with you. You say he's an 'amazing' and 'great' guy. Do his good qualities outweigh his negative ones?

Yes. It's a very typical case of opposites attract but then they clash.

The whole point of dating and relationships is really to see if this person would make a good long term partner. So you are supposed to question, but you also need to heed your instincts and concerns and intuition, if it's telling you that this person is not your match. In fact, at 3 months, it's very very very normal for people to stop and evaluate what they've learned so far about their partner and decide if they want to continue or walk away.

Be careful about checking marks on paper, because at the end of the day, they aren't relevant. What matters is how things are working out in real life and are you genuinely happy and satisfied or not. At three months or so is when cracks typically start to show, when those differences and incompatibilities start to rise up and bother you. They are bothering you for good reason.

Bottom line is that if you don't feel right, don't see a future, then don't drag things out, just end it. It's only fair to the both of you because it frees both of you to seek someone who is more compatible sooner rather than later. You never get back time wasted in the wrong relationship. Keep in mind that that doesn't make either one of you a bad person or defective or anything really, just not a good match.

In terms of being outgoing, I tend to be that and I attract introverts in droves. What I learned early on is that they are not a match for me. They drag me down with their low energy, no ideas, I'll go along with whatever, but I'd rather stay home attitude. Over time, it sucks the life out of me. With a bit of mileage under my belt, I've learned to avoid them. There are people where this opposite energy works, it's calming for them, but I'm not that person and I find it suffocating and draining. Again, they may be the nicest person in every respect and I might like and respect them, but when it comes to relationships, they aren't for me and that's OK. Most people aren't your match. When it comes to long term, you need to figure out who your right match is in every respect.

Did you say anything to him about planning things?

If he likes to stay home, then there really isn't anything you can do. Either, you accept it and hang with friends, or find someone who is more compatible.

If you are having so many doubts, it may be best to move on.

Ok this is a long enough time to decide if you're happy and unfortunately you are repeatedly 'doubting the relationship" and feel there are too many incompatibilities. It may be best to cut your losses since it's only been several months.

My doubts is about whether him and I are that compatible in a relationship together. Theres just a gut feeling i keep getting that something is missing in the relationship and i have it in my head it won't be a long term one.

When I say i like to go out, i meant go out to travel to places, go to events etc, i didn't mean partying. I'm too old for that now haha. but yeah I'll think about your question @sarah

Yes. It's a very typical case of opposites attract but then they clash.

 

The whole point of dating and relationships is really to see if this person would make a good long term partner. So you are supposed to question, but you also need to heed your instincts and concerns and intuition, if it's telling you that this person is not your match. In fact, at 3 months, it's very very very normal for people to stop and evaluate what they've learned so far about their partner and decide if they want to continue or walk away.

 

Be careful about checking marks on paper, because at the end of the day, they aren't relevant. What matters is how things are working out in real life and are you genuinely happy and satisfied or not. At three months or so is when cracks typically start to show, when those differences and incompatibilities start to rise up and bother you. They are bothering you for good reason.

 

Bottom line is that if you don't feel right, don't see a future, then don't drag things out, just end it. It's only fair to the both of you because it frees both of you to seek someone who is more compatible sooner rather than later. You never get back time wasted in the wrong relationship. Keep in mind that that doesn't make either one of you a bad person or defective or anything really, just not a good match.

 

In terms of being outgoing, I tend to be that and I attract introverts in droves. What I learned early on is that they are not a match for me. They drag me down with their low energy, no ideas, I'll go along with whatever, but I'd rather stay home attitude. Over time, it sucks the life out of me. With a bit of mileage under my belt, I've learned to avoid them. There are people where this opposite energy works, it's calming for them, but I'm not that person and I find it suffocating and draining. Again, they may be the nicest person in every respect and I might like and respect them, but when it comes to relationships, they aren't for me and that's OK. Most people aren't your match. When it comes to long term, you need to figure out who your right match is in every respect.

Thank you, this was really helpful advice. I'll take that on board :)

DF put it all very well.

I think the whole "opposites attract" thing has a lot more weight when we're younger, still figuring out who we are, and so there's a big draw to "different." It's like we're searching for information, even missing pieces, and the idea of someone who has that information and those pieces is appealing, thrilling, even sizzling. But, quite often, it just gets draining quickly. As we get more comfortable in our own skin we tend to seek people who compliment us more seamlessly—not mirror images, of course, but not so yin to yang.

That said, I'm not even sure that's what this is all about. Sounds like you've met a good guy who you get on with...decently. And who likes you plenty. But is that enough to be thrilled? Doesn't sound like it.

While I think the occasional pinch of doubt is normal, I think it's a lot healthier when we're in more of an evaluation mindset—checking in, seeing if things are lining up, proceeding forward, more to make sure we're not too caught up in the stardust drug to lose sight of longterm viability. What you're describing, however, sounds a bit simpler: lack of stardust, not that into him but kind of wish you were, because "on paper" he checks a lot of boxes. So what "works" here is not positive takeaways from evaluations but your ability to doubt, well, your own doubts enough to stay in it.

I've known people who have been in relationships lasting years where they talk about them in much the way you're talking about this. It's like an equation that works well enough on the chalkboard, but is just missing the juju. They don't want to put it like that, because we're adults, mature, and juju is for kids. But I think we all just want the juju—the sustainable version, of course—and what I get here is your analytical doubts are less connected to introvert vs extrovert than the feeling of pruned fingers in a lukewarm bath.

He hasn't given you an obvious reason to press the eject button, and so you don't. But the finger is hovering there, and three months in I'd ask yourself if that's how you want to feel inside a new, developing relationship. Build a relationship based on an ability to suppress doubts and you're likely to find yourself inside a relationship where that's the coal that keeps the engine running.

I think that making sure the person ticks the essential boxes you have for a future partner is really important and doesn't mean that person is the right one just that it's worth investing some time to see if you two are a good match. I'm an extrovert and my husband is more of an introvert and we've learned from each other's styles and lifestyles- especially me! I don't know that wanting to stay home means he's introverted -depends on what the outside activity is -I'm far more social than my husband but he loves to travel even more than I do (especially the last 10 years or so I love the comforts of home!). Sounds like he's more of a homebody with narrow interests so in that case you might be looking at exploring the world and activities more on your own than with him - and that can work out just fine if both are comfortable with it.

I do understand what you mean about having doubts so early on -that would concern me as well.

I agree that introversion is not tantamount to being a homebody. I am by all means an introvert, but I crave adventure. I live for traveling new places and seeking new experiences. I just don't necessary have to be with other people to enjoy such activities - I will get in my car and drive to a new city alone just for something different to do.

For this reason, I tend to be more attracted to extroverts. I'm not super social myself typically (initiating conversation is not my forte), so I enjoy having someone who will encourage me to step out of my shell a little more in that regard. While it can exhaust me at times, I really appreciate a person who can bring high energy into my life. It allows me to exercise a side of myself that I don't normally get to when I'm alone or with other introverts, and I like it.

Appreciation is key, I think, to making "opposites" work within relationships. Can you appreciate his laidback lifestyle for what it is and his indifferent view on traveling and going to events? If you can't, then I believe your doubts regarding a long-term happy relationship with him are valid and accurate.

It's also important to ask yourself if you feel you can be your truest self with him. Does his personality complement yours in a way that makes yours feel more well-rounded? Or do you feel as though his is holding yours back in a way?

If your answer is the latter, a sustainable future with him is more than likely not in the cards.

I don't believe in opposites attracting because either you can never doing anything fun together, you'll both become bored together or both of you will always do activities separately.

For some couples, there's a happy medium. For example, my husband and I don't enjoy doing everything together. He enjoys frequenting early morning weekend car shows which I couldn't care less about so I remain at home. He doesn't enjoy frequent social outings so I meet my best friend several times a month and we shop, dine out, take walks, go to museums, visit the theater and the like. She is from childhood and resides locally. Sometimes husbands join in for a dinner out on occasion. We enjoy different sports so we workout separately. We have different hobbies. Other times, I send him off to be with his extended relatives for a backyard BBQ while I take a nap! Our conversations are different. He enjoys discussing superficial topics whereas I enjoy more in-depth conversations with my best friend. I enjoy cooking whereas my husband and his relatives are restaurant people.

Our personalities are different. My husband doesn't give me syrupy sweet, gushy greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day, clueless about my birthday, Christmas, forgets our anniversary, doesn't celebrate it and I'm fine with it because he expresses his love in other ways. I don't even remember the last time I went to the gas station. The cars always have an automatic full tank of gas. He repairs and maintains cars, repairs and maintains everything in the house. He does yard work. If my wristwatch is broken, he fixes it for me, if it needs batteries, he installs them for me. If I need any assistance, he's my admin assistant. Many times, I don't have to ask. It just gets done. He doesn't enjoy cooking, however, he'll wash everything and clean up the kitchen for me. He cleans the house. He picks up the slack for child rearing, too. He runs all errands such as grocery shopping and makes other stops for me. He takes care of laundry. He's just like his father. He's not a sentimental person, doesn't demonstrate public displays of affection and doesn't talk too much either. He's more on the quiet side and I'm more talkative. We're very opposite in many ways, however, we're compatible because living with him is a joy. I enjoy movies whereas he prefers to sleep. He's more outdoorsy, enjoys hiking, backpacking and camping while I hate it so I stay home. We don't enjoy the same books and music. His genre tastes are opposite to mine. We have many, many differences, however, somehow, we make it work.

Some couples are compatible if they're willing to accept each other as is and figure it out to make it work. Some couples are simply incompatible because they feel split apart. My husband and I are perfectly comfortable doing our own thing if we don't agree on each others preferences, however, it's not to say every couple will be so agreeable.

If it's unbearable for you to tolerate your differences and doubts, then he's not for you. Your boyfriend is more of a shut in and content playing video games whereas you prefer to have an exciting, outgoing, extroverted life. There's nothing wrong with that. You need to be paired up with someone who is just like you or very similar to you otherwise you will grow bored and frustrated very quickly.

I also think it's about respect and admiration -if you admire the differences and even see how shifting a perspective to more like your partner's might be a worthwhile goal.