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Thread: My ex girlfriend texted me a question mark several months after she dumped me.

  1. #1

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    My ex girlfriend texted me a question mark several months after she dumped me.

    I decided to cave in, submit and ask because at this point, not only am I hurting, i’m completely confused. Having dated a fair share of women and having relatively “normal” relationship, this one by far, had me on my knees and completely ill, in the hospital from a broken heart. Thank you in advance to the good souls willing to help with feedback. Here’s some background below:

    My ex (27) and I (37), had been together for 2 years. We started dating on Xmas years ago, and our anniversary was my bday in January when we officially Called it official. Long story, the relationship was beautiful and I couldn’t for the life understand how or why it ended. I do know that her mother is a die hard narcissist, and that in two years, i was never welcomed or invited to be part of their family events. The mother despised me even though i had a great career as an executive. Her mother didn’t care and saw that since i was not a doctor or lawyer, that i was not welcomed. My ex and i rarely argued but her mother put her mother and father put her down continuously, shaming her, calling her a and other very painful words. She told me her mother was a narcissist and i witnessed this only once in our relationship when i would hear her mom chastise her over the phone for even going on dates with me. My ex had traits of what i would call a people pleaser. She would always do things for everyone and often it got annoying because she would fulfill the need of her family and often times address mine, but sometimes i would feel neglected.

    She had a string of relationships before and even though she never talked about her ex’s, i did ask once when we had an open discussion why they all ended and she blamed all of them - nothing seemed to be her fault. Her older brother, who was a few years younger than me was “OK” with me, but he would also shame her all the time, yet she had this sick loyalty to them. He’d often call her hurtful words, degrade me even, and then she would do anything to please him - it was awful. I loved this girl and even started planning our engagement to which she stated and often said, “let’s get married, my family wont be involved. Let’s move anywhere and i’ll Go and do anything with you etc etc.”. So i listened, and bought a ring.

    Near the end of the two years (last september), she started feeling very depressed and would never share with me what was wrong. Her brother tried communicating with me and i was honest and open telling him that i felt she was under a lot of pressure with work life, and the issues with her family which was an ongoing problem. This girl, who promised to never leave me, marry me, and be the wife i always wanted started being invited to her family’s house (which i believed were “interventions”). She would deny that and she started spending time with them very often, but not her mom - just her brother. So, in September was my business trip back to DC, she kept asking random questions before the trip, asking if i had backups of all our photos, things that she had bought etc etc, and it really got strange until i noticed that random things within my house were missing and were being placed in her car. She even asked me what my plans were after the trip…and i started thinking “is my ex about to dump me” all the while she acted crazy about me, almost too affectionate and obvious. She strangely, deleted her instagram and facebook that same day which was a red flag. I’m not a stalker so i asked her what was that all about and she replied “I’m just tired of it”

    So she drops me off at the airport, after love making (this was never an issue), and i go to DC for my business meeting. During my stay there, i decided to call the brother because i noticed my ex was acting distant and rarely texted anymore. The brother told me he appreciated me but told me that he didn’t want me part of the family and that culturally (we’re both the same ethnicity from Eastern Europe), i was not a good candidate for his sister and that he didn’t support us and that he wanted me out of the family only because I’m not a doctor or lawyer. I asked him to please consider what he was saying and to not put this pressure on her to persuade her and he insisted that i let her go. I refused and justified my reasonings by notifying him that we were close to being engaged, i had no idea what was happening and that our relationship was fine. He responded saying it wasn’t me, but it was his family that didn’t want me involved.

    Immediately i call her that night and she called me wonderful lovey dovey names and we went to bed after i explained to her what happened with her brother’s conversation. i also noticed she created a new instagram and facebook account that mutual friends told me about. She told me everything was fine and we were happy together. Next day at my business conference, she tells me its over via text….a very strange text followed by saying “when can my brother pick up my stuff”…. i dropped to my knees and immediately felt ill, and enraged at the same time. I never responded. She texted again, the next day LONG texts justifying it because her family wouldn’t accept me, that the wedding wouldn’t work and that i would never be treated right by her family. I was devastated, yet I didn’t respond. She then bombarded me with more texts all day, then sent texts to my mom for days after trying to explain to her, then sent me several many more for the following 5 days, some of which were paragraphs long. I never responded. Then she sent a personal email to both my work and personal account with pictures of us on our dates and memories with captions to all the “good times.” I never responded.

    I arrived back home after my trip a complete mess, never heard from her until i decided to text her. Her texts were all delayed, and somehow she was acting mad at me, strangely mad. She would either ignore me or block me, which was the weirdest thing. She’d start arriving at our gym full of makeup and dolled up at the EXACT time i was there. She’d text me “When was your bday again, i forgot” followed by an LOL. Or “What was that model of your car again, i forgot” and I wouldn’t respond. Finally i called her and she and i talked and I invited her over to talk. This happened after the one month i had 0 contact with her…simply because i was tired of her games and i was hurting badly. We were intimate, it was great and we reminisced and she got up, and left like nothing happened. This occurred twice in one week and she texted me shortly after the second time and said “i cant see you anymore, my family wont accept this etc etc.”. When i said “ok i wish you well, she blew up my phone with at least 20 missed calls and I didn’t answer.

    We talked again a few weeks after, and it seemed like she was a different person, often blowing hot or cold, asking random questions. Now she would call me, ask me to talk later on and i would call later as promised, only to find i was blocked. This happened quite often, all the while she would text and communicate to my mom reminiscing about the good times with my family. My mom after a while, kindly asked to not have communication with her as it would be disrespectful to me. She didn’t communicate with me all through November and in december, we started texting once again, up until mid december when she went dark, never heard from her. All i had done was send her a text saying “Hey!” Because our previous conversation went so well, and i felt we were close to reconciling or at least keeping it alive. This blocking and unblocking thing went on for weeks prior. It made my head spin and i fell very ill from the mental trauma of the breakup and the back and forth i was being placed through. I was even admitted to the hospital due to a minor heart attack, and was strung through numerous tests. She knew i had no family and no friends nearby so she completely ignored me when i reached out.

    So i never heard from her through December since that, I never heard from her for New Years, and shortly after in the middle of January on my birthday (37th), she sent me a long, or should i say, extremely long email to my personal account. An email that was roughly 6 pages long, basically telling me that i was at fault for everything, that she wished me a happy life and wanted nothing to do with me, to never contact her again because my number and email was blocked (again she blocked me randomly and often i knew because she would just text me letting me know i’d Be blocked even though i wasn’t texting her), and like i said - just a horrible email that i chose to delete…it brought tears to my eyes as i sat there and read it, none of which made sense. She seemed completely brainwashed, saying things about me that were untrue. I never responded to the email, and instead called a few friends of mine to discuss. Some were saying, she’s a textbook covert narcissist - which i could see these traits along with people pleaser traits…it just went on. Come to find out, she even signed up at the new gym i signed up at, to which i never appeared after I found out she was going there. I started hearing things said about me, hurtful things to friends and people i knew at the gym and around town, people through instagram would message me telling me what she was saying about me…horrible things. This appeared to be a smear campaign of some sort.

    So, i never responded to that email on my bday obviously, still kept radio silent, placed my home up for sale. Mind you, I stayed completed off social media, never stalked her, never searched for her, nothing. All i did was list my home for sale and tried to get out of LA, to which I’m still in the process of closing / escrow. Randomly, i get a call from her ex boyfriend (who We have mutual friends), It was a cordial conversation, he - who’s now married with kids was telling me he heard what happened and offered his condolences. He told me she had a bad habit of cheating on him with ex’s of hers after their arguments, and immediately after they broke up prior to me being involved, she would sleep with ex’s that were kind of on a back burner. I do remember during our relationship, this was something others had told me about her. I blew it off because she was completely into me, never showing signs of cheating..I’m not saying it didn’t happen, I’m just saying I didn’t see signs.

    So, now, fast forward to the week before Valentine’s Day. On that Tuesday, the week prior to Vday, i wake up to a random text message from her which is basically a question mark (?). This was at 5am. I didn’t respond. About an hour later around 6am, she follows with “Wasn’t sure if you had sent me another (Hey) text message, because i just restarted my phone and got a bunch of duplicate text messages from you and others.” I didn’t respond at all. Now, I don’t know what is really going on her through her head, but at that early in the morning, texting someone is one thing, but I don’t believe anything about that message and I’m no idiot - iPhones have time stamps and i’m Certain, when you hurt someone to a high degree, or should i say - destroy them, if you’re going to reach out, at least say hi and don’t take them for a fool. Either she was curious to see if i blocked her (which I didn’t) or she just wanted to Hoover (assuming she has narcissistic traits), or she’s just feeling lonely before vday….. Either way, I didn’t respond and I don’t intend to…that wasn’t even a half-decent “breadcrumb”. What gives? This girl never seemed abnormal during the relationship but she sure as anything became someone I didn’t recognize. I searched people-pleasers and covert narcissists, and although some would argue (i will not diagnose nor am i trying to figure her out), what gives? Is she just a troubled girl who may be regretting her decision that her family pushed her to do, or is she just a very troubled girl like her ex and other’s have stated. Either way, this was the absolute worst breakup of my life and I’m still trying to pick myself up. Please share your comments. Thank you

    P.S. One thing I do remember, people telling me about her in the gym asking if i still had the ring and if i was hurting and upset about the breakup, our failed engagement plans and other things. She kept trying to fish for info. The second time we were intimate after the breakup (post 0 contact), she came over, asked me to grab her butt then told me goodbye as soon as i did...walked away from my home, got in her car and left..that was the absolute last time i saw her in person which was in late september before texting continued in late October.

  2. #2
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    Why have you not blocked this woman? This is all insane! She seems to love to punish you! She is a nutcase! Hasn't she punished you enough? She is cruel!

    Be glad that you did not marry her! Block her, already!

  3. #3
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    Nothing good can ever come of this again, so there’s no point even trying to understand what’s going on. You really should block her on all forms of communication she sounds toxic and will only destroy your life more if you engage in it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for your pain, really.

    While I know this moment is hard for you, I can't help but wonder if, in writing all that down, you also know that you dodged a real bullet. That what you're hearing here—block, toxic, cruelty—is basically the only story.

    Your ex sounds deeply insecure, immature, cruel, and troubled. She sounds like a "hot mess," as the kids say, and I think a lot of your spinning and ruminating is maybe your ego trying to come up with another explanation—something more profound, epic instead of messy, deep instead of shallow—since that would validate the past two years as something more than, say, some very hot sex with a young woman who was, for a time, pretty adoring and obsessed with you in a way you now miss.

    I mean no judgement in that, rest assured. And neither do I want to invalidate any real feelings and real connection you two shared. My last gf showed a lot of the same behavior, and, like yours, it was dormant until the end (or largely dormant; I knew, deep down, that the heat-seeker in me was turning some real red flags into cute scarves). And then it blew up—and, in the fire, I flailed and wailed and wallowed around plenty myself. Worst breakup ever, and so on. For reference: I was 37, she was 26.

    All I can tell you is that, for me, the whole process of moving forward and getting over it became a lot easier—and actually pretty quick—when I stopped thinking of her as a mystery, stopped trying to decode every middling communication, and started accepting her for who she was: young, insecure, immature, troubled, with a cruel streak. And, yes, very hot. And once very, very into me.

    Which is to say that I had to accept that, in my mid 30s, smart and evolved as I like to think I am, I had invested a lot of time and emotional energy in someone who was young, insecure, immature, troubled, cruel, and hot. That the latter eclipsed the former, thanks in no small part to some unresolved sh*t of my own.

    Admitting that, and landing on that, wasn't so fun. It meant owning some sh*t in me as opposed to sorting out the sh*t of another. It mean acknowledging that great truism that hot sex can really take us on a ride—and, hey, thank god for that. But still.

    Guess all I'm saying is that, sure, I could sit here with you and try to decode that question mark, and we could all play around in that nonsense of a minute. Or I could push you, since you sound smart and evolved yourself, to ask yourself: How much more time do you really want to spend, at 37, going crazy about a question mark? Is this really the life you want to live?

    You had a thing. It was fun and real, until it wasn't. Cut her off. There's more heat out there, in healthier forms. Time to make room for that, which means cutting off this.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    A definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. Block her. A ? means nothing. Nothing has changed in her situation. The reasons that caused the break up are still there. If you want more of the same go ahead, but at this point you are making informed choices. It's you who keep touching that hot stove knowing that you'll get burned. What's up with that? Are you addicted to drama? Is a hot body all it takes to have your boundaries stepped on all over? At 37 you should know better.

  7. #6
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    This is why you don't break no contact - it just gives them validation, and prolongs *and perhaps even re-starts* the healing process.

    what gives?
    The ? mark is most probably just her looking for some more validation from you, after which she would cut you off again. Its not all that meaningful.

    What is more meaningful is that she floats back towards you intermittently, and then turns even nastier after she gets her fix.

    And she wasn't likely asking people at the gym about you because she carers about you - its all about her and her ego.

    her mother is a die hard narcissist.... [ex's] she blamed all of them - nothing seemed to be her fault
    It never is for the narcissists. Narcissistic personality disorders can be in effect learned behaviors, resulting from a home environment where there is a dominating parent who devalues a child.

    The narcissist parent causes the child to be ashamed of themselves for not pleasing the parent. That can lead to bouts of depression and impulsive, or addictive behavior.

    So, while the medical experts do not say NPDs are in the strict sense hereditary, the children of narcissists often end up exhibiting similar behavior.

    NPD sufferers are often manipulative, deceitful and cruel; they are also pathological liars.

    Does any of that correspond to what you know about the ex's childhood, and actions?

    You should block her and get on with living your life without her being part of it.

    As someone said above, you dodged a bullet here.
    Last edited by RayRay63; 02-21-2019 at 02:22 AM. Reason: spelling

  8. #7
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    Her family isn't the only problem here. Your ex isn't the most mature or stable person either.

    Block her so you can move on and eventually find a rational, emotionally mature woman who doesn't play ridiculous games and behave like a stroppy teenager.

    There is no future with this woman. You have to start accepting that.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Block and delete so you don't have to deal with this nonsense.

  10. #9

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    Blue castle, thank you for the detailed feedback. And to everyone that posted as well. BlueCastle, i see that we had similar experiences and nothing sums this all up more than...it just sucks. This was someone I introduced Jesus, the gospel and church to and never had i met such a horrendous mother. I’ve got to ask, how devastated were you when you dealt with you situation?

    The reason i ask is because prior relationships were ok, but this girl was more less a soulmate..at least that’s what it felt like. I’m just not sure if there was anything genuine about her. After that conversation with her ex and in his words “Stay far far away, and chop up your losses, not cut up, but CHOP up.” I’ll take that as a message from God himself.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for your pain, really.

    While I know this moment is hard for you, I can't help but wonder if, in writing all that down, you also know that you dodged a real bullet. That what you're hearing here—block, toxic, cruelty—is basically the only story.

    Your ex sounds deeply insecure, immature, cruel, and troubled. She sounds like a "hot mess," as the kids say, and I think a lot of your spinning and ruminating is maybe your ego trying to come up with another explanation—something more profound, epic instead of messy, deep instead of shallow—since that would validate the past two years as something more than, say, some very hot sex with a young woman who was, for a time, pretty adoring and obsessed with you in a way you now miss.

    I mean no judgement in that, rest assured. And neither do I want to invalidate any real feelings and real connection you two shared. My last gf showed a lot of the same behavior, and, like yours, it was dormant until the end (or largely dormant; I knew, deep down, that the heat-seeker in me was turning some real red flags into cute scarves). And then it blew up—and, in the fire, I flailed and wailed and wallowed around plenty myself. Worst breakup ever, and so on. For reference: I was 37, she was 26.

    All I can tell you is that, for me, the whole process of moving forward and getting over it became a lot easier—and actually pretty quick—when I stopped thinking of her as a mystery, stopped trying to decode every middling communication, and started accepting her for who she was: young, insecure, immature, troubled, with a cruel streak. And, yes, very hot. And once very, very into me.

    Which is to say that I had to accept that, in my mid 30s, smart and evolved as I like to think I am, I had invested a lot of time and emotional energy in someone who was young, insecure, immature, troubled, cruel, and hot. That the latter eclipsed the former, thanks in no small part to some unresolved sh*t of my own.

    Admitting that, and landing on that, wasn't so fun. It meant owning some sh*t in me as opposed to sorting out the sh*t of another. It mean acknowledging that great truism that hot sex can really take us on a ride—and, hey, thank god for that. But still.

    Guess all I'm saying is that, sure, I could sit here with you and try to decode that question mark, and we could all play around in that nonsense of a minute. Or I could push you, since you sound smart and evolved yourself, to ask yourself: How much more time do you really want to spend, at 37, going crazy about a question mark? Is this really the life you want to live?

    You had a thing. It was fun and real, until it wasn't. Cut her off. There's more heat out there, in healthier forms. Time to make room for that, which means cutting off this.
    Blue castle, thank you for the detailed feedback. And to everyone that posted as well. BlueCastle, i see that we had similar experiences and nothing sums this all up more than...it just sucks. This was someone I introduced Jesus, the gospel and church to and never had i met such a horrendous mother. I’ve got to ask, how devastated were you when you dealt with you situation?

    The reason i ask is because prior relationships were ok, but this girl was more less a soulmate..at least that’s what it felt like. I’m just not sure if there was anything genuine about her. After that conversation with her ex and in his words “Stay far far away, and chop up your losses, not cut up, but CHOP up.” I’ll take that as a message from God himself.

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