more than friends but no labels

My bf (39m) & I (38f)

broke up in Dec 2019, 1 month short of 7 yrs. He left for work, changed his # & never returned. He had left exac

tly the same way 2 yrs ago. He had twice that I know of & I had found him on dating sites & CL personals. It was safe to say it sjpuld have ended long before it officially did.

I had apparently emotionally checked out by the time he left bc all i felt was a sense of relief. I was close friends w his cousin (30m). He was there for me after the break up just to talk and keep me company. We spent the holidays together & slept together on Christmas. I had started to developed feelings which I told him about. He said he had strong feelings as.well but that he didn't feel ready for a relationship yet as he had a few.things he wanted to accomplish before he felt he could be a good partner but to just give him some time. We agreed to take it slow. Its been almost 2 months since then.

I'm falling hard (which he knows) and have realized that I want to have the exclusivity talk. I don't need to be his gf yet but would like some clarity on.wether he sees this headed In that direction.

We go out on dates & can talk for hrs. We are affectionate around both friends and family. Everyone assumes we are a couple and he doesn't correct them. Neither of us are seeing anyone else & he is incredibly considerate of my feelings. His actions show match his words in that he says he's falling for me hard.

How should I bring up that I want us to be headed towards a relationship & if he doesn't see that happening in the next few months I need to walk away. I can't just be his friend as i want a romantic relationship w him. Should I wait a bit longer or bring it up soon?

Why did you break up? His cousin is not the best option for hookups or a rebound and both of you realize that.

His cousin doesn't want a relationship with you for many obvious reasons from the life-stage to the age to the fact that your exbf is his relative..

He may just have seen it as an easy hookup because you were vulnerable, lonely and he was there. Try to pull way back from this. Don't try to parlay this into a rebound relationship, you'll just end up getting hurt.

I was close friends w his cousin 30m. He was there for me after the break up just to talk and keep me company. We spent the holidays together & slept together

Dating his cousin isn’t the best option. I know you said you felt a sense of relief but it was 7 years together. Why not take time out for yourself, figure out what you want, be alone for a bit, then finally when you’re ready to date, date someone who is not his cousin. The long term ramifications won’t be good with dating a member of his family- awkward family get togethers, etc etc

I would not bring it up if to you it's just a label or you're going to apologize or downplay it as just a label to him. Make sure you want a potential commitment to him not just to be called a certain name like girlfriend or SO.

Here's how I would do it -no back story, no apologies no settling with the coy "I don't need you to call me your girlfriend" foolishness. When you see him in person - no texting! - say "I enjoy hanging out with you and need to know what your intentions are about us". If he wants a commitment to you or a potential one he will know exactly what you mean because it will have been on his mind too. If it scares him away or he gives some vague response then you have your answer. That way you don't have to refer to titles or make it seem that way (which is not the point at all) - it's all about intentions. For example when two people get engaged it means they "intend" to marry each other in the future. Right now you want to know if he intends to develop this into a committed relationship or maybe his intention is to see you whenever the mood strikes him. You need that information right now.

If this is something you are concerned about saying that's normal. If you're shaking in your skin scare then don't bother because you probably know he doesn't intend for this to be something serious.

I want us to be headed towards a relationship & if he doesn't see that happening in the next few months I need to walk away.

Life is too short to be someones half timer. Protect your own emotional health and good dating years (if he's not on the same page) and get this convo done and done.

How long were you and your ex broken up before you slept with his cousin? You said you broke up in December and slept with the cousin on Christmas. So, it was like a couple of days later?

It hasn't been two months since Christmas, never mind whenever you had this talk about "falling for him." Your timeline confuses me a great deal. Broke up with your ex in December, hooked up and confessed falling in love with his cousin the same month? I guess the exact day doesn't matter as if it's been your interpretation of two months since, it's sounding "too soon" would be quite an understatement.

Here's my advice, in no particular order:

1. It's probably going to take more than a week after breaking up with a boyfriend of 7 years before your head's in the right place for a healthy relationship.

2. Try not to profess your love for someone a whole week into seeing them. It's difficult to tell whether you're being strung on or if this guy's coming up with an excuse simply for the sake of keeping things at a healthy pace.

3. Don't bank on timelines. Yes, take your time, but "I want us to be a thing in two months" is as assumptive as it is uncertain.

4. I'd try to introduce some genetic diversity to your dating pool.

Why did you break up? His cousin is not the best option for hookups or a rebound and both of you realize that.

 

His cousin doesn't want a relationship with you for many obvious reasons from the life-stage to the age to the fact that your exbf is his relative..

 

He may just have seen it as an easy hookup because you were vulnerable, lonely and he was there. Try to pull way back from this. Don't try to parlay this into a rebound relationship, you'll just end up getting hurt.

He never gave me a reason why we broke up but it was a long time coming. If he hadnt taken the cowardly way out by packing his things while I slept, sneaking off to work w/o saying goodbye & changing his # I probably would have broken up w him that week. He had left 1 time before while I was at work bc He was pissed that I found out he'd been sexting and sending nude pics to a old friend.

I thought he loved me and would change... He didn't... As a long time lurker if ive learned one thing it's when someone shows you who they are... believe them. He couldnt hold a job. Didn't clean would text me from the bedroom to make him tea or bring cookies. No matter what I did it was never good enough. I didn't make enough money or I didn't do xyz right. I'm not perfect but according to him nothing was ever his fault, it was always mine.

He told me I was a burden and threatened to leave if I ever brought up a concern. When he would cheat or when I found him on dating sites his exact words were deal w it i dont want to talk about it & if u say another word I'll leave. I don't know what changed but something inside me did. I woke up one morning & felt nothing for him, I was DONE. I tried to talk about it w him but once again all i got was If u don't like it then leave.

I started saving money & looking for apts. I stopped playing mommy, maid & wet nurse. His threats no longer affected me. I truly gave no .... I'm pretty sure he knew something was up. He left on Dec 4. I when I realized he wasn't coming back I was RELIEVED. He has tried to call /email me multiple times wanting to talk, I never respond. I have since gone NC & blocked him everywhere. I don't want him back. I deserve better.

Why did you stay with him for 7 years if he was so awful? And something more concrete than "but I LOVE him!"

Also, wet nurse? Ick! You were feeding him breast milk directly from you? That's so very weird.

And you slept with his cousin 21 days after he moved out? Does he know you're sleeping with and planning a future with his cousin? I have to presume the cousin doesn't care about having a cordial relationship with his own cousin, your ex.

Anyway, yes, it's good that you're away from him. But it sure seems like you're diving into another cesspool of drama.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has taken the rime to reply. I found this site the 1st time he cheated 6 yrs ago. It was from reading the advice you have all given to others that I started to regain my self esteem & realize I deserved better. That not having a partner wasn't the end of the world & I slowly began to see him for what he was not what i wanted him to be. I have known his cousin for 6 yrs. They aren't relate by blood. They are cousins through my ex's former stepmother & are not super close. I was worried about this being a rebound but I don't think it is.I had started having feelings for his cousin months before we split. I never acted on them nor said anything until I was single. Jman let me just say you are one of my favorite posters, now to answer your ques. I am not in love w/ his cousin nor did I tell him I loved him. I have very strong feelings that I could see developing into love if given the chance. There was about 3 wks between the break up & us sleeping together. I hadnt been intimate w/ my ex since Aug. as I was no longer sexually attracted to him bc I no longer felt he cared& bc of the way he treated/spoke down to me. I did not literally mean I want to be together in 2 months. What I meant was if he doesn't see the potential for us to progress to a committed relationship w/I the near future then I'm out. I'm not looking for casual nor do I need/want a boy toy. We are both old enough to know what we want & i have no doubt he already knows wether he sees me as a potential serious partner or casual (great)sex to pass the time. we've known each other for 6 yrs as friends so it's not as if we are strangers who just met.

Why did you stay with him for 7 years if he was so awful? And something more concrete than "but I LOVE him!"

 

I stayed bc I hoped he would change. I was weak & had no faith in myself. I thought I needed him & that if i just tried harder, did better than I would be enough and he would treat me like he did in the beginning. That if I just loved him hard enough he would love me back. I have come to realize (alot of it from reading the advice here) that we teach people how to treat us. By turning a blind eye & staying i essentially told him that he could continue doing whAtever he wanted. I started to ask myself why I let him treat me like dirt & the hard truthful answer is bc I felt I was nothing special, that I was no one special & why would anyone love me? I had no self esteem. I know I'm smart & pretty good looking but somehow I had convinced myself I eas lucky he put up w me & not the other way around. I didn't love myself & waS looking to others to fill voids in me. I needed to be part of a couple bc if I wasn't someone's "other half" ideas nothing. I looked for validation from everyone but myself bc I didn't matter. It took alot of therapy & painful self introspection to realize that & start to rebuild my self esteem & learn to fill those voids on my own. Once I began to value myself the blinders began to fall off & I started to take him off the pedestal I had placed him on.

As for the wetnurse comment ...I wasn't being literal. Lol. I was trying to say that i was everything but a equal partner. I did everything short of feeding him from my breast in jopea that he would finally see me as good enough. That he would finally realizs I was worthy of his love. I learned that I am worthy of my own love & if he didn't love me for me, if I had to jump through hoops & constantly try to reach his ever moving goal posts he never truly loved me nor respected me.

You need to be single. You need to process why in the hell you were with that guy. I don't understand why you returned after the first episode.

It sounds like you are dependent on having any guy in your life. Work on you for at least six months,, and then consider dating someone who is not related to you ex.

Lastly, you should never be with someone hoping they will change.

These are very important points. What you describe is an abusive relationship. Therapy therapy therapy. Educate yourself on abusive relationships. Hopping into to bed with his relative is about the worst thing you can do to yourself right now.

It's probably going to take more than a week after breaking up with a boyfriend of 7 years before your head's in the right place for a healthy relationship.

 

I'd try to introduce some genetic diversity to your dating pool.

You need to be single. You need to process why in the hell you were with that guy. I don't understand why you returned after the first episode.

 

It sounds like you are dependent on having any guy in your life. Work on you for at least six months,, and then consider dating someone who is not related to you ex.

I agree with this. Big time.

I suspect your response is going to be something along the lines of: you did all the needed processing inside the relationship. Saw the self-esteem issues, worked on them, checked out, were about to leave him, were relieved when he left, have been NC, wound healed, lessons learned, and so on.

Oh, if only it was that easy.

Remove all the drama from this and what do you have? You have you crushing hard on a 30 year old friend who, like many 30 year old dudes, is straight up telling you he's not ready, not where you're at. He's got "strong feelings," yeah, but he needs to "figure a few things out" before he's ready. Translation: this is all I have to offer right now—take it or leave it.

What does someone who knows where they're at, who is genuinely cool with being alone, do in this situation?

They don't push, they don't look for that one kernel to allow them to believe it might soon evolve into happily ever after. No, they detach. They retreat back to that cool alone space. They do themselves. They date others. If they can hang out in the nebulous space for a bit, without the anxiety of wondering where it's going, they do that. If they know the nebulous space isn't working, they cut bait to protect and honor their heart and their truth.

You, right now, are not quite capable of that.

Why? Because you're reeling a bit, looking for something to ease the transition, to fill the void, and already doing the very thing you did in your last relationship: filling in the blanks on your own, editing things to be one thing when they're really another thing. The evidence of that comes in your exaggerated timeline: almost two months instead of just over a month. Pushing into the future to avoid the discomfort of the present.

You are, yes, rebounding. That you've known him for a while, had feelings for a while, makes it seems less like a rebound than, say, crushing hard 6 weeks after a holiday Tinder hookup. But, really, it's the same. Possibly even less healthy, since I can't help but think the fact that this guy is a "cousin" of your ex adds to the heat, the connection. He's part of the thing you just left—tangentially. He "gets" it, "gets" you, in a way no one else can.

Or so the story goes.

Your pain is writing that story. Process the pain—alone—so its not your narrator, your guide.

My two cents.

Thank you bluecastle. I was hoping you'd post. I appreciate your ability to see beneath the fancy trappings & call it out . Its a truth I already knew but pushed to the periphery &tried to ignore. When it surfaced I dressed it up & called it everything but ... Guess the only one I was lying to was myself... I needed to hear this ...I was ok dancing in that space inbetween at first...then I wasn't but still tried to tell myself I was. if I was ok w it I wouldn't be here, asking these questions. I wouldn't be so concerned w/ "where is this going" "what is this, "what are we" ...I would just be enjoying the moment but instead I'm so worried about the future I can't enjoy the here and now.

Well put.

And you know what? Everything you described is okay. Totally human. Love, lust, romance—it tosses us around, and thank god for that. Would be a bore otherwise. But when we get tossed around we can lose sight of our own edges, our own boundaries, and from what you've written about your relationship it did that for a long, long time. Threw you far from your authentic axis.

Time to allow yourself a good minute to find those edges again, the boundaries of yourself, balance. Intimidating stuff, I know. But there's as much strength and sweetness to be found in there as with another person. In fact, you have to find it inside to really be able to find it with another person. Consider therapy—I'm a big fan, personally, since it's basically a professional who helps you shine light on pieces of yourself that got lost in the shuffle.

Like, what you just described, the theoretical version? New person, six weeks in, enjoying the moment, not too pressed to define it, not spinning around and posting here—that's how things should be at six weeks. Or, well, if someone's not giving you enough to be there—you just kind of own that and bow out. All good.

So take this moment to remember that that's where you want to be, but aren't there yet—not with him, not with yourself. There's so much strength in just owning that. A dash of loneliness and uncertainty, of course, but you can handle that.

He never gave me a reason why we broke up but it was a long time coming. If he hadnt taken the cowardly way out by packing his things while I slept, sneaking off to work w/o saying goodbye & changing his # I probably would have broken up w him that week. He had left 1 time before while I was at work bc He was pissed that I found out he'd been sexting and sending nude pics to a old friend.

I thought he loved me and would change... He didn't... As a long time lurker if ive learned one thing it's when someone shows you who they are... believe them.

Oh boy, these are not the words of a woman who is over her ex. You are describing yourself as someone who stumbles a bit with men and stay despite being unhappy because its better than being single.

 

I stayed bc I hoped he would change. I was weak & had no faith in myself. I thought I needed him & that if i just tried harder, did better than I would be enough and he would treat me like he did in the beginning. That if I just loved him hard enough he would love me back. I have come to realize (alot of it from reading the advice here) that we teach people how to treat us. By turning a blind eye & staying i essentially told him that he could continue doing whAtever he wanted.

You have the knowledge but you arent using it.

You couldn't rebound any harder than you currently are. Like if I could describe the most blatant rebound situation, it wouldnt even come close to your situation, thats how obvious it is.

The fall is going to hurt, it is, Im sorry because Ive been there and know it SUCKS, but youre just digging yourself into a deeper hole hanging onto this guy. I not even saying this doesnt have potential, it just doesnt right now, not in your current mental state.

Oh boy, these are not the words of a woman who is over her ex. You are describing yourself as someone who stumbles a bit with men and stay despite being unhappy because its better than being single.

The first time he left that I was speaking of was roughly 4 years ago.

I do agree w/ you though & deep down I know you're right. I'm beginning to think based on everyone's take & advice on the situation that I'm in deep deep denial... apparently it's not just a river in Egypt.

I have started seeing my therapist again. I started seeing her about six months before he left. And just to clarify on the timeline ... When I said I've been seeing his cousin for 2 months I didn't mean from the day we slept together, I meant from the day we crossed the line from friendship to romantic. This is going to sound bad .... & as I'm typing it I'm now realizing how truly text book rebound this is. we went on a date the night my ex left. it was almost as if I was waiting for him to leave or for something to happen so I could act on my feelings. I also realized that the fact that I was waiting for something to happen so I could act on them as opposed to deciding to end my relationship myself is not good. I know I have abandonment issues I'm beginning to think I have some codependency issues as well

The first time he left that I was speaking of was roughly 4 years ago.

I do agree w/ you though & deep down I know you're right. I'm beginning to think based on everyone's take & advice on the situation that I'm in deep deep denial... apparently it's not just a river in Egypt.

I have started seeing my therapist again. I started seeing her about six months before he left. And just to clarify on the timeline ... When I said I've been seeing his cousin for 2 months I didn't mean from the day we slept together, I meant from the day we crossed the line from friendship to romantic. This is going to sound bad .... & as I'm typing it I'm now realizing how truly text book rebound this is. we went on a date the night my ex left. it was almost as if I was waiting for him to leave or for something to happen so I could act on my feelings. I also realized that the fact that I was waiting for something to happen so I could act on them as opposed to deciding to end my relationship myself is not good. I know I have abandonment issues I'm beginning to think I have some codependency issues as well

Hey it’s ok, you’re being honest with yourself that’s the first step.

Again, I’m not saying this guy isn’t someone you could be with, what I’m saying is it’s not a good idea right now, what he’s saying is he isn’t interested right now and honestly it’s either because he knows you aren’t emotionally or because he’s just playing the game.

Either way, right now it’s a non starter.

I’m right there with you on the abandonment issues, I swear they are the most insidious and blinding and emotionally damaging issues! Hah, I may have bias right now but like I said you have the knowledge but that need to not feel well abandoned makes ya throw every logical thought you have out the window.

This situation may feel good in the short term but it’s a slow acting poison girl, abort!

Keep going to therapy, one day at a time.

You need to have frank, objective and useful sessions/discussions with your therapist and stop labeling yourself with every trendy psychobabble. Get real help for real problems. This is not insight. This is pretending you know it all and have no problems because you are seemingly "aware" of said theories.

However you spent years in an abusive relationship, then immediately hopped into bed with his family member who doesn't want a relationship with you.

I'm in deep deep denial... apparently it's not just a river in Egypt.

 

I know I have abandonment issues

 

I'm beginning to think I have some codependency issues as well

You need to have frank, objective and useful sessions/discussions with your therapist and stop labeling yourself with every trendy psychobabble. Get real help for real problems. This is not insight. This is pretending you know it all and have no problems because you are seemingly "aware" of said theories.

 

However you spent years in an abusive relationship, then immediately hopped into bed with his family member who doesn't want a relationship with you.

I have been in therapy on & off since my mother passed away when I was 8 & then for 5 of the last 9 yrs I went consistently. We touched on my dependance on always having a man in my life to "take care" of me so to speak. Though I logically know I can tske care of myself just fine. I did through most of my 20s even moving to a diff state by myself. I started again therapy again a few months ago. I am going to bring all of this up w my therapist.

Update: I decided after reading the advice everyone has taken the time to give to speak w the "cousin". I told him we should put things on hold for now as I really like him & want us to have a shot at a real relationship. I said I was going to take some time for myself to straighten my life out & if he's still interested when I feel ready we can pick things back up & try again. He told me he really cares about me & wants to see each other exclusively. He said he wants to be there for me & help me, to which I answered this is something I have to so on my own.

It wasn't easy nor was it what I wanted but its what I have to do if I want any kind of chance at this working. Hopefully I have the strength to stick w my desicion bc I feel I made the right one.

I just want to say I know ive gotten some great advice from experienced knowledgeable posters & thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Bravo.

I don't want to minimize his overture of exclusivity, but keep in mind that people often "step up" the moment someone steps away. He is, after all, the same 30 year old man who, five minutes earlier, had a few things he needed to accomplish. He's still that guy, even if he forgot for a moment. And you don't want him to remember that, like, two or four months into a relationship.

Similarly, you don't want to use a relationship to forget the very important point you just made: that you need to be doing you right now. That's not a verdict on him, on your connection, or even the potential of something developing down the line. It's your truth, a hard one, but an important one to own. Whether it's a relationship with him or someone else, you don't want the foundation to be that he helped you through a breakup. Those are the sorts of foundations that crumble the fastest.

Anyhow, good for you. Stay the path. There will be loneliness, there will be pain—wish I could say otherwise, but that's a fact. Also a fact: you can handle all that, and when you learn that, when you really learn that, you'll find something inside yourself that will be magical to discover.

And, eventually, to share with another.