Fighting the urge to say something

I have told him , via email, on more than one occasion how I feel, how he has hurt me etc.

I'm fighting the urge (being the end of the year) to remind him of that and to tell him what a (insert adjective here) _____, ______, ______ he is.

I know he won't all of a sudden have some epiphany and find himself full of regret ... But I just wish there was something that could be done to have him feel half of what I'm feeling (childish,I know ).

No advice needed , just needed to vent so I don't end up messaging him 😕

This sucks ... 🙁

There's a whole thread for that: Post here instead of contacting your ex!

You need to be done with this!

he has shown you repeatedly that he does not care about or respect you. Was he there for you with your aunt? You haven't seen this guy in 7 months and he makes zero effort. Why do you continue with this? There is nothing there. This is so unhealthy!

Are you in counseling? Block and delete this guy. Stoping doing this to yourself!

Doesn't he also reach to other women for attention?

He does not love you and is is being disrespectful and disloyal. he is cheating on you.

There's a whole thread for that: Post here instead of contacting your ex!

Yep sleepy, pour your heart out on that thread, it’s a safe space. Many have used it, I think I may have myself when I first joined.

Do not text him. Put your phone in a different room and distract yourself with a good book or movie or friends any activity, but don’t give in.

Once the feelings pass you will feel so happy you didn’t. Trust me, I’ve been there, and the relief I feel when I didn’t press send is phenomenal.

 

I just wish there was something that could be done to have him feel half of what I'm feeling (childish,I know ).

 

Sleepy, please understand there is nothing you can do to make him feel things (like guilt, pain or regret or whatever you're hoping he feels) he's not inclined to feel.

If you were to send such a text, all that will accomplish is him rolling his eyes, perhaps even laughing, confirming for him that his rejecting you was justified, and that you're an emotional mess and he dodged a bullet.

In short and not to sound too harsh, you will appear "psycho" which is never a good look and ends up accomplishing the exact opposite of what you were hoping to accomplish.

Your silence will send a much louder and stronger message, trust me on that one.

I also echo what others posted about posting in the thread that was attached, let that be your sounding board!

I am so sorry you're hurting, we've all been through it and come out the other side stronger and wiser -- you will too, I promise!

Silence is your friend.

Holly: Yes, he is no good for me. I am realizing that now. It's been on and off for two years. Very very unhealthy.

No counselling now, though I have been in the past . I do see my CBT in a couple of weeks as a follow up to my previous therapy.

This whole thing is very difficult for me , as it is for many people , which is why a wonderful place like this exists.

It may not seem like it to many but I am progressing, albeit in baby steps. Sometimes two steps forward one step back. But eventually I will get there.

Wiseman: Thank you. I will check out that thread.

Figureitout and Katrina: thank you for your support. I'll try to keep that "psycho" idea in the back of my head. I am sure I've appeared like that before , but I can't and won't do that any more.

Capricorn: I tend to underestimate what silence can do to someone in his position. Thank you.

I am happy to hear that you are receiving therapy.

Why haven't you blocked and deleted this guy?

How full is your life? Do you have friends?

>>I have told him , via email, on more than one occasion how I feel, how he has hurt me etc.

sleepy, moving forward, never a good idea (after being dumped) telling a guy how much he's hurt you, via text, email or verbally. He won't appreciate it, he won't care. Not that you should care what he thinks, but it's a massive waste of time and energy, and will only make you feel worse, because rarely does a man respond positively to that.

It accomplishes nothing except him thinking you're trying to guilt trip him which will actually work against you.

As I and others have said, silence is your friend and will say way more than any emails or texts would.

Not that you should even be thinking about his reaction, your silence should be for you, as it will allow you to heal and move on much faster than tossing out a zillion emails attempting to make him feel things he's just not inclined to feel, no matter how hard you want him to.

You need to block and delete this guy.

Holly: Thank you. Yes I have a few very very good friends who have been wonderful. I just feel badly because they have been hearing about this guy for 2 years now.

I have such a hard time deleting or blocking anyone; I suppose it stems from my abandonment issues earlier in life. That being said , even if I had the strength to do that, I can't.

There's another tidbit to the story which I haven't revealed as of yet. At least I don't think I have 😜. I will if and when I'm comfortable enough.

Katrina: THAT is my weakness; doing the grovelling. I hate that I do it . I haven't texted him in a few days . I know , I know, it doesn't sound like much , but I'm happy with the teeny tiny progress.

And you're right, emailing him a zillion times telling how much he hurt me likely isn't going to make a difference.

Why can't you delete and block? What will happen to you?

Nothing will happen to me. As in, I'm not in danger or anything.

Just something I'm not ready to share quite yet.

That's why it's there. Because many people have those feelings and many people want to get their feelings out, but not hit 'send' to an ex then regret it.. Much better to get it all out and then hit "post reply". At least you'll get support and camaraderie, rather than that sickening "why did I do that?" feeling..

Wiseman: Thank you. I will check out that thread.

Nothing will happen to me. As in, I'm not in danger or anything.

Just something I'm not ready to share quite yet.

I'm going to presume he's your boss at work. Or perhaps you two still live together (boy, I sure hope not!).

OK, read your history. You don't live together and he's long distance. And yet, you claim you "can't" delete him and block him?

Makes zero sense.

I'm going to presume he's your boss at work. Or perhaps you two still live together (boy, I sure hope not!).

 

OK, read your history. You don't live together and he's long distance. And yet, you claim you "can't" delete him and block him?

 

Makes zero sense.

He lives far away. They haven't seen one another in 7 months. There's no reason he cannot be blocked and deleted. She choose not to.

Sleepy,

What do you get out of staying in contact, other than the high of the drama?

How often does he reach out?

You've shared everything else with us. We don't know who you are.

I suppose it stems from my abandonment issues earlier in life. That being said , even if I had the strength to do that, I can't.

There's another tidbit to the story which I haven't revealed as of yet. At least I don't think I have 😜. I will if and when I'm comfortable enough.

Well unless you are forbidden from accessing the delete / block function on your social media or phone this isn't a "can't" situation it's a "won't" situation.

Whatever this tidbit of information is that prevents you from cutting off contact, the reality is that you have admitted time and again that you have been grovelling and lowering your value with this guy and investing way more into him than he invests in you. There is something at the core of all of that you need to address if you want to let this go and move forward and keeping in contact with this guy isn't going to fix that for you.

The only reasons for remaining in contact with an ex is if you share children, are dividing real property or you work together.

Since he's several hours away by car and hasn't contacted you in 7 months, I'm guessing it's a choice you're making rather than a necessity.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Please don't see this as 'being dramatic', I'm just venting ... And I'm not blaming.

I came to this board for help and support but unfortunately I am no longer feeling that from some. 😕 It's not just this post but a combination of all of mine I guess.

I think I will take a break from actually posting.

I am really feeling quite down, and I am having a tough time , especially with the New Year , and honestly I have difficulty hearing answers from people who are straight up and to the point. ( maybe I assumed that people would be more empathetic since I 'assume' that most of us have gone through something similar).

Anyway, the direct approach often makes me feel much worse. I'm very sensitive so while the coddling method may not always be in my best interest, it's what makes me feel more comforted.

Perhaps a personality flaw of mine. But nothing that I am going to change at the moment.

No one on this forum should support unhealthy behavior. Coddling is unhealthy and prevents you from moving to a healthy place - I guess you want to stay in a unhealthy place and see yourself as the victim. You are not a victim, but actively choosing to stay in a toxic place.

I hope you decide to do what is best, instead of staying stuck in this pattern of dysfunction.

Deleted.

Good luck sleepy, I'm sorry you're hurting; I hope you find peace and happiness in 2019. xx

I'm not asking you to support unhealthy behaviour. Not at all. Perhaps coddling was an incorrect term...?

Some of us come here for advice others for support or some combination of the two.

In no way did I mean for anyone to say 'keep up the good work with staying with someone who isn't good for you' .

Of course not.

I would like to be given support in the right direction, that is for certain.

I'm taking more about how it is said.

People respond to things differently. Just because I have difficulty with the direct approach, does not in any way mean that I want to stay stuck in my situation. Not at all.

Katrina: Thank you for your post and advice.

Being too sensitive is a downfall for sure.

And I do appreciate everyone's honesty. And the fact that people on here are willing to pour out their hearts with their very personal stories really warms my heart. And the advice from this forum does not go unnoticed, believe me.

Reading these stories helps me to be stronger, even if it is teeny tiny baby steps.

Thank you again.