Breaking the cycle of toxic masculinity

It's that time of year, old friends come into town, etc etc. A couple of friends whom I haven't seen in a few months are in town today for the festive season, we were supposed to be going out for a pub lunch but I found myself unable to face the world this morning. This in itself is not my problem, I'm at a difficult stage in my life and December is a very busy time of year for me (~12 hour work days 6 days a week) so everything has just piled up and overtaken me a bit, I am not surprised at my own wild lack of motivation and general sense of depression and anxiety and this particular moment and I'm sure I'll be feeling much better after a few days off.

I told my friends simply "sorry guys, not up to it today." and hoped that would be that until perhaps after Christmas day or new year. But my friends being red blooded men, have been a bit more incessant than I'd like. Repeated messages of "just come for half an hour" etc etc. And myself also being a red blooded male keep replying with "no sorry not feeling too good" rather than just telling them that actually I'm really not mentally fit for such an activity today.

It's this kind of outdated male thinking that keeps myself and others somewhat isolated, and ends much much worse for others.

It's all very well saying "just tell them," but how? I just don't know how to tell them that their usually happy smiling friend is rarely genuinely happy and smiling. And I'm ashamed to say that I worry about being thought less of if and when I do eventually tell them, even though I really do know that they are my friends no matter what.

So here I am, sitting at home, trying to relax and get myself back into a decent state of mind, but I find guilt creeping in, guilt for not spending the day with my friends as I should have, and guilt that I (like so many other men) feel the need to hide this monkey on my back.

I know I haven't really asked for any specific advice, but I'm sure there must be someone here who has experienced something similar.

There is no reason to tell them anything. Tell them you are exhausted and you will meet up after X-mas. End of.

You do not owe people explanations. A No should be respected. If I decline and invite, my friends do not hound me to come out, nor would I continue to continue to ask the individual out.

Agree with saying you’re exhausted and need a break. That’s honest right? And relatable. Just say you need a day to yourself and you’re looking forward to catching up after.

I agree. You dont need to give any details about why you dont want to join them. No thanks is a sentence. Being exhausted at this time of year is normal for a lot of people.

Agree with the others. You don’t owe your friends an explanation. Whether you tell them you aren’t up to it, or are exhausted, your friends should respect your decision (not question you or push you to hang out after you already said ‘no’).

I always respect when friends say they’re too tired, etc. I never push them and vice-versa.

If I’m the one not able to make it I say, “Can’t make it this weekend. Too tired. But hope you guys have fun!”

I figure that if by chance a friend questioned this or didn’t accept it, they wouldn’t be worth my time anyway.

This has nothing to do with being male or "masculine toxicity".

This is friends inviting you to something you're not up to attending.

A simple "thanks, I'll have to catch you all next time" should suffice.

Any repeated texting by them can be ignored.

Agree with all the others, but I wonder if there’s something else lurking behind this post.

Are you frustrated, in general, that you make relationships exist on a narrow spectrum of intimacy? Like, cool when it’s beers and smiles, but no place to express some deeper thiughts and feelings?

Because, to my ears, it sounds less like you’d like to explain yourself a bit more, and be heard a bit more, but for whatever reason the space isn’t there.

Is he saying he needs to though?

I took it as he wants to.

Thanks for the replies everyone, nice to know I'm justified.

As for whether or not I want to tell my friends how low I was feeling, I'm genuinely not sure lol. It would be nice if the space/opportunity was there as one of you said, but I don't outwardly want to pour my heart out to them on this, just wish they could accept that "I'm not feeling good" means "I'm not feeling good, drop it".

Also I feel that in my pit of despair last night I may have been slightly brash in my condemnation of "toxic masculinity". Yes part of the issue is the unwillingness of us men folk to either open up about our own issues or to recognise and accept those of our friends, but I feel I was slightly harsh in my initial post.

Thanks again for the input everyone, it really helped.

I'm feeling much better today by the way, a nice quiet night alone helped.

Agree with all the others, but I wonder if there’s something else lurking behind this post.

 

Are you frustrated, in general, that you make relationships exist on a narrow spectrum of intimacy? Like, cool when it’s beers and smiles, but no place to express some deeper thiughts and feelings?

 

Also I feel that in my pit of despair last night I may have been slightly brash in my condemnation of "toxic masculinity". Yes part of the issue is the unwillingness of us men folk to either open up about our own issues or to recognise and accept those of our friends, but I feel I was slightly harsh in my initial post.

Another insightful post by bluecastle for the win!

And I stand by that this has nothing to do with masculinity, or male energy. Women have the same situations: a group of women want to get together to "whoop it up", have a bunch of laughs, talk about nail polish colors, but nothing deeper, and for me, it can become not only frustrating, but draining.

You are searching for deeper connections. What's lacking for you is being able to speak to someone from your heart, not just down a bunch of beers. Sure, downing a bunch of beers and pigging out on wings while cheering the latest team's win is a blast, but sometimes, your heart and soul need fulfillment.

What you have when you go out with these friends is junk food for your heart. It doesn't fill it like a good, nourishing meal of deep discussions between good friends.

If you have a severe stomach ache with cramps and gas and bloating and need to stay close to the bathroom, would you tell them that amount of detail if you were skipping on plans?

If no, there’s no need to detail that much of your mental health. I’m sick and I’m too tired to go out are the same caliber of reason to stay in, so that amount of detail is fine.

That's a pretty great allegory. I probably can speak to my friends about whatever (if I'm ever brave enough lol) , but when it's beer time, it's just beer time as far as they're concerned.

It just really frustrated me that they couldn't just take it at face value and leave it be. Later on in the evening they even messaged offering to come to mine for 20 minutes instead. I've got no doubt that their hearts were in the right place, but I don't think their heads were.

And yeah I guess I wouldn't tell them the details of stomach issues either.

When I don't want to join in with going out I always say I have the runs. No one wants to be around me then!

Get off the "toxic masculinity" train on this.

If it was the holidays and my FEMALE friends were the ones wanting me to come out, they would say "come on, just for an hour...."

If friends sense you are down in the dumps, they will try to rally you especially if you are prone to depressiveness or "not feeling it"

Especially with all the articles about depression being worse over the holidays.

To piggyback off several others, men and masculinity definitely don't have the market cornered as it pertains to goading reluctant friends to go on a night out.

But it appears you've buried your real message beneath that, with you wanting to share your emotional struggles but your "toxic masculinity" preventing you from doing so. Simply telling them you're not feeling it wouldn't suffice even if they said "OK."

What I want to know is how you would imagine this sharing going down if you could break through the "toxic masculinity." While I'm hesitant to jump on that train specifically, I think it's a same generalization that men by and large create friendships around hobbies and interests rather than prioritizing an emotional bond. You'll probably have a tough time sending Brad a text saying "Bro, I'm having a hard time... wanna come to my place and drink some Natty Ice while we vent to each other?"

But at the same time, while d-bags do exist and in some abundance, I've never once in my 14 years of adult social life been out with guy friends and confided in someone I'd known awhile only to have them grimace and go, "Dude... stop being such a f*g and drink, bruh." That guy is '90s caricature. Again speaking generally, I do think we tend to have less patience when it comes to constant griping or complaining about the same thing, but I think you're playing into too many stereotypes in assumptions, particularly given it seems these dudes really would like your company or may in fact notice you're down and are trying their best to do what they can for you.