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Thread: Going trough hell. Help

  1. #11
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    More first Aid:

    For ease of understanding; think of your changes as leading you to back to a datable man.
    You will stop chasing, pleading, begging, trying to explain etc.

    This will not go unnoticed by her.
    See will begin to probe.

    When she does, you MUST maintain your aloof composure!
    At this point, she'll begin to look back at you and start to see what's really going on.

    Losing a good man, who's seemly okay with it!
    This WILL rock her lie filled world.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I am sorry you have been cheated on, I know how much it hurts.

    This other man is not just a "friend" and you know it even if you don't want to accept it. She is emotionally and physically cheating on you. I suggest you read through the infidelity forum here and you will be surprised how many times you read the words "we are just friends" "there is nothing going on" "nothing happened" and on and on.

    Lester is correct that you need to decide if you want to stay married to her. BUT you are in no condition right now to make that choice. You are in a weak position filled with fear and uncertainty on what will happen to your life. You need to educate yourself on cheaters, depression (my ex wife blamed depression too) and what not to do during this time.

    She wants a break so she can test drive this new guy and see if she likes him better than you. Are you willing to become a choice? Are you willing to just sit by while she has sex with some other man and lying to you the whole time while you support her?

    Your vision is clouded by your love for her so you cannot see clearly. Many of us have found ourselves in the same boat but once we chose to accept reality our vision cleared. She is cheating, she is making excuses (and so are you) for her behavior. There is no excuse for cheating, lying and betrayal period. She willfully lied to go see him again and again.

    What do you do now? Stop being a doormat, stop professing your undying love for her, stop saying you will do anything to save the marriage and stop chasing her, stop supporting her.

    DO get your life straightened out, make your own friends, get healthy mind and body, contact family for support, don't be ashamed about what is going on and most importantly know that this wasn't your fault.

    I know you do not want to believe she cheated (neither did I) but some bad stuff has gone down and she simply is not the person you thought she was.

    Keep posting it will help

    Lost

  3. #13
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    Hi everyone, thanks for the input of everyone. Wanted to post an update here even though I guess you have already pointed me towards the truth.

    I guess I still can't believe how this has happened... For me it boils down that we have slipped down very far due to our jobs in the last months. Until we realised and she started to follow her passion. And stupid me, instead of getting out of the hole myswlf, i dedicate everything to support her and make it happen for her.

    Well the result of it you all know. I feel so missunderatood and treated like a doormat after dedicating and giving up everything for her....


    Somehow since I laat wrote and tried to apply your tips, it started to get way better again.... She really didn't write anymore with the other guy or anything and was like all over me again.

    But now.. it's suddenly all messes again. They are gonna meet trough an event next week and ofc she's right innmy face telling me that she is gonna stay at his place. Ofc told her after what happened with him, I would expect at least that she stays at a hotel room after the event... and yeah 's all over me again. (Btw. I know that I messed up with applying your tips here, but I had to ask her at least to give me something)


    And well yeah... ofc she also managed to mess with my mind again. Like everything is alright. They are just friends. She will be continuing and plans for that time on her own. And hopes that I will use that time to work on myself too. And we will both come out of it as healthy adults and a stronger couple than ever before.

    My mind is ed. It's so true and so wrong at the same time... How much would I sign what she says, if that other guy did not popp in....!!!!

  4. #14
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    Saving a marriage, or even letting it go is very counter-intuitive, and must be done under intense pain, only a "left-behind" husband could know.
    But let's keep trying.

    "...and [of course] she's right [in my] face telling me that she is gonna stay at his place.
    - This and other empowered declarations are often made by the the wayward spouse but they still must be met with your "amazing" calmness and aloofness.
    That's not to say you don't SAY anything, it's what you say, and how you say it.

    Example:
    Very calmly, like you almost you didn't hear her, you say: Oh, that's good, I couldn't think of two people deserving each other more than you two.
    Then you continue going about your business.

    "I would expect at least that she stays at a hotel room after the event..."
    - It takes a little time to get good at this, at least you now know to stop talking like this.

    "(Btw. I know that I messed up with applying your tips here, but I had to ask her at least to give me something)"
    - Again, no you didn't have to.

    "Like everything is alright. They are just friends. And hopes that I will use that time to work on myself too. And we will both come out of it as healthy adults and a stronger couple than ever before."
    - These are the lies the wayward wife must believe. Many, if not most are being funneled to her by the hidden man. Yes, in some ways, you're wife is most likely being victimized. You becoming a strong husband may save her from herself. Maybe not the marriage, but at least you will have fulfilled you promises and vows to the best of your ability.


    More first aid:
    - Unless emergency/required (kids, etc), stop answering all her calls/texts.
    - Keep all conversation with her at a minimum. DO NOT LET HER ENGAGE YOU.
    - Remember, you're an important person who does not take his honor lightly!
    - No pleading, begging, engaging.
    - No helping her destroy her honor!
    - Think before you say anything to her, and then, don't say it.
    - Keep quietly/secretly making yourself into a very dateable man.

    Don't think of these as gimmicks or tricks. They're not.
    It's you learning to be yourself again!
    They make you strong and attractive. (The opposite of what you've been doing.)
    Last edited by Lester; 11-12-2018 at 06:58 AM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What did you give up for her? Did you move to her area? Did you quit your job to be with her? Did you put her through school or make any other type of sacrifices to your happiness or finances?

    She wants to separate for three reasons:

    One, to have this affair with this guy...they are not "friends", even if she tells you she'll stay a hotel, they will be carrying on. Two, because she is not happy in the marriage and that his been going on a long time while you bury your head in the sand.. Three, because she wants you to "work on yourself". What, exactly, does she mean by that?
    Originally Posted by carrotpile
    I feel so missunderatood and treated like a doormat after dedicating and giving up everything for her....
    She will be continuing and plans for that time on her own. And hopes that I will use that time to work on myself too.

  7. #16
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    Sorry that I am not answering to the the tips before because just something 'new' happened.
    We went this weekend to visit the potential new city and there is an event tonight she's attending.
    Turns out, the guy's also there. She kept it from me....

    So turns out that this vist was not for us but she takes me now with her and keeps me busy (i could visit the city at night..) while meeting..

    Guess I will just stumble into there to see it with my own eyes and finally be able to move on...? I mean keeping that again from me and meeting like that is like the absolute end??!??!

    @Lester or anyone... any help within the next few hours appreciated
    Last edited by carrotpile; 11-12-2018 at 10:30 AM.

  8. #17
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    Sorry I'm late, but if I understand that this is just an excuse to see him... DON'T GO!
    If there, you're too late, just muddle through and get out of there.

    Never let her trick you again.

    Additionally, DO NOT engage this man. Do not shake hands with him, talk to him or look at him.
    A big part of the thrill game they're playing involves/needs you to play your weak roll.

    Reread my tips above on how to handle her.

  9. #18
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    Wow Yep came too late and it's what I did.
    Asking and reading the advices you gave me and i am just too stupid to apply it.


    So yeah got what I deserve and have two rings on me.


    Thanks for the effort though! You really know what you are doing!


    Edit: Can you elaborate what was meant by "Never let her trick you again." Just so I know, should I get in such situation again
    Last edited by carrotpile; 11-12-2018 at 05:01 PM.

  10. #19
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    two rings?

    Helpful hints:
    - It's not about the other guy. They're everywhere and a dime a dozen. (Your eyes are being opened as we speak! A good thing)
    - It's about you and her and what went wrong.
    - Thinking about, and never repeating mistakes is where you want to put your energy.

    Were you compatible before marriage. Did you have a respectful, intelligent discovery period? (dating)
    Were you negligent or abusive?

    These questions are one sided, but that the only thing you can change... YOU.

    Why worry about learning/changing? You can avoid divorce, 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc unions/marriages. (Now you know where they come from!)

  11. #20
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    I know I'm stupid now... but I should just accept that I messed this one, right?

    There is no way I can fix this again?

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