carrotpile Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 I see ok, will try to give them back asap. Seems like she placed quite some arrangements in such a way that I'm somehow staying close/attached... I didn't even see it like that. Also making some progress with meeting new people and making first contacts in the new area. Tonight was the first time since all of this started that I could kinda act normal in front of other people and laugh/make them laugh. Basically have a more or less good time. Seems also that she's making some kind of progress with her therapy. Now able to tell me the obvious things from what happened at least. Thou this suicidal topic is somehow a problem for me. How much am I responsible and how much will I push that if I go the next step and break this security/attachment that I still seem to give her? Does it make sense that I approach her therapist to somehow clarify that? Because surely the last thing I want is that someone dies from all of this... Link to comment
Lester Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Not fair..., understand infidelity and then explain it to us, BEFORE moving on to suicide. Link to comment
carrotpile Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 Ehm wait what? I'm not suicidal. She is. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Unless this is joint couples/marital therapy, that is not an option due to patient client confidentiality laws. Also no one should extort you with chronic suicide threats so they can have their lovers and you as a security blanket. If she pulls that stunt again, simply call 911 and have her taken to a hospital for evaluation of suicidal ideation and threats. You would be better off seeking out your own private therapist to discuss this whole thing objectively with a professional and gain some insight into navigating this and some professional guidance regarding your own well being, what to do from here on as well as how to handle her manipulative games. Does it make sense that I approach her therapist to somehow clarify that? Because surely the last thing I want is that someone dies from all of this... Link to comment
Lester Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Ehm wait what? I'm not suicidal. She is. When faced with loss, many times adulterers resort to more extreme types of manipulation. Next time she talks of harming herself, call 911 and let them handle it. You're not qualified and way to close. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 She has left the relationship and is no doubt going to him now. I am so sorry, OP. Infidelity on top of losing your marriage has easily got to be on of the toughest things to go through. I hope you have family at least that can be there for you. I also hope you consider going to see a therapist to help you cope. I again, am so sorry. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Reading more of your updates. She is being incredibly unfair right now. Asking you to basically soften the blow by still being around when and if she wants or needs something/someone. She made these choices, she is the one who ran to another man. You need to stay away from her and to take care of your own emotional well being. I'm sorry to say this, but at this point she is only using you for an emotional crutch but isn't in love with you. You keep running back hoping it means something and holding out hope that things will turn for the better. You are allowing yourself to be hurt over and over while she makes all the decisions. Stop doing that! Stay away from her for you own good, put yourself first and your own healing first. You've got a lot to emotionally get through from all of this. It's not helping that you try to be her savior when she is the one who caused all of this. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Is she supporting you financially? Is that why you won't/can't file for divorce? Was very busy with the move(s) and the last days at my job. Pretty worried about being officially jobless. Link to comment
carrotpile Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 I'm sorry to say this, but at this point she is only using you for an emotional crutch but isn't in love with you. You keep running back hoping it means something and holding out hope that things will turn for the better. I know, but it is so hard to accept this... When I shortly met her after the last therapy session, she was telling me a little about it... Also that he is trying to contact her again, telling how bad he feels that she wasn't there for that last event and so on... I guess it's these things that make me feel like she is doing smth to get back. I'm working hard on stopping that. It's so difficult when you had your whole life layed out with someone to just stop... Is she supporting you financially? Is that why you won't/can't file for divorce? To be honest it is/was more the other way around. She kinda cracked all the saving that we gathered together for that move... I still have savings from before I met her and can deal with it for a while. Nevertheless, never been jobless before, so it's now also on my head. I guess I'm gonna find a therapist around my new place and try to figure out how to deal with the suicidal thoughts of her. Again, she doesn't use that in any situation where I'm trying to detach or so. It's more coming up generally when she talks about what she did. "Runined the life of 3 people"... And I just don't want to put something "ontop" right now... Link to comment
carrotpile Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 Man oh man, I might have finally understood today what you are all telling me since the beginning... And god did it hurt again... So I wanted to get to her place to grab some of my stuff that ended up there. And turns out, under the advice of her therapist to "confront" the other guy. She went there... over night... And she gave me the whole story, like how good she felt when she approached there. And how she had that long hug. And how he also shares those feelings etc.. But also that she feels so guilty and loves me so much, that she has to fix that with her feelings for him first before we can go on with anything. etc. etc. Holy crap, that was kinda humiliating and I think almost more painful than the whole crap of the past months. But it was also enough for me to get rid of even the last bits and pieces of hope... Man ... how can someone once in love turn so harsh against you. Worse than I would have expected from my worst enemy... But yes, I know. I should have listened and avoid her much earlier.... Whatever, at least this also kinda solved my issue regarding my question from yesterday. I can't be responsible any longer for that, her therapist will handle, I hope. ------- One or another therapy session for me might also be helpful at this point again. I think it's also time to open up within my family. They, actually don't know anything up until this point... And I also don't really know how to do that... And I have no idea on how to handle with people, family and friends I got to know from her... I guess I generally got quite anxious about telling anyone anything meanwhile... Link to comment
HeartofHeart Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Hadn't read this thread until today, hang in there man. You have been through hell and then some, but it sounds like you're on the right path as of late. You should start reaching out to family, and let the truth be known. The longer you keep this secret, the more it will delay your healing and progress. Lastly, try not to delay the divorce for too long, even if you have to borrow money from family to proceed. As for her recent suicidal ideation, as others here have mentioned, do not allow such manipulation. From the brief history in this thread, she has known anxiety/depression and now behavior concerning for major depression and/or a personality disorder (borderline?). Regardless of the diagnosis, if she brings up suicide again call 911 and be prepared to give a statement. The suicide ideation/completion rate for the latter two conditions is high relative to the general population. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 "I think it's also time to open up within my family. [people and friends] They, actually don't know anything up until this point... And I also don't really know how to do that..." You tell them you're going to divorce. When they ask why, tell them there were differences that couldn't be overcome. They'll understand, and may even surprise you with what they have to say. Don't bash her or mention the her cheating. It will only provide temporary satisfaction, make you look weak/bad and may start you on possible lifelong journey of lying to yourself. Yes, there's more this AFTER the divorce. You must learn what went wrong so you never repeat it. You must grow. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 It's okay carrot, try to look at this as a somewhat blessing, in the way that you can now finally have closure and heal and move on from this. I think it would have been worse had she hid this from you and kept stringing you along for months and giving you false hope. Keep in mind that this is only a chapter in your life and not the entire book. You can now move onto the next chapter and hopefully it will hold many good things. I hope this helps you to eventually become stronger. Keep moving forward, one step at a time. Link to comment
carrotpile Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 You tell them you're going to divorce. When they ask why, tell them there were differences that couldn't be overcome. Don't bash her or mention the her cheating. It will only provide temporary satisfaction, make you look weak/bad and may start you on possible lifelong journey of lying to yourself. Yes, there's more this AFTER the divorce. You must learn what went wrong so you never repeat it. You must grow. I wouldn't want to put the cheating in the front. But I'm seriously asking, how to speak about it without mentioning. It's hard to actually find any difference other than what fidelity and a committed relationship means. I completely understand. Things went wrong before it could come to the cheating, also after it happened initially I might not have been able to act properly. At this point, I'd say it mainly was the way how we both were way too attached and over each other. Something none of us was specifically to blame for, but it was much more due to circumstances about our backgrounds and how we moved together. Something we could have actually worked out with no effort after realisation. Nevertheless when it came up, events happened very fast and there was no chance to intervene on this before things went pretty much out of control... and the inital cheating happened. And I surely could have been emotionally more supportive/sympathetic, especially with regards of the stress at work. Was difficult as I was busy and almost burned out by work myself. Does this actually make any sense as a starting point for learning from it? ------ While writing all these questions, I realise the anxiety/insecurity creeps in again. Man I'm more than overdue with moving on and start living again... I'm wondering, do you guys have any book recommendations into that direction? I'm honestly looking for something that teaches me "How to live" or however you would want to call it. Socializing, meaningful and lasting friendships, joy and happiness, goals and purpose that keep me going and everything else I seem to have missed out on the last 28 years. Link to comment
carrotpile Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 Disregard that first part, was written in the wrong moment ;) However open for any book/reading recommendations. Kind regards Link to comment
Lester Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I don't think you have a problem with all people, do you? If not, and just women: Read/reread, understand and put into practice Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" on all women, NOT just your wife(s). They will draw closer to you! Your life will get a lot easier. It will be much easier for you to find and keep the right girl. Link to comment
carrotpile Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 It feels more like with people generally, got anxious and avoiding... And not asking only about that. Also generally I want to grow in life. It feels a little like everything I done so far was sleeping. But yes will reread it in time. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 You could try Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" But sooner or later you got to put yourself out there. Pickle ball is a good place to start. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Carrot, You need to confide in a few people you can trust that love you. Holding all this in is not healthy and will cause you to act different around people because you are always on edge about the real truth. My family and close friends knew pretty early on that my wife cheated, I didn't bash her and told the honest truth. My colleagues at work was a different story. I gathered my crew and let them all know I was getting a divorce because my wife had fallen in love with someone else. It was about as nice a way I could think of to tell them. There were no rumors, no questions and I didn't have to re-hash the story over and over again. They all understood and most of all understood why on some days I was not myself. One of the guys actually came to me later and told me he had wished he could have been so brave but he wasn't and what his wife did dibbled out slowly in rumors. I promised my wife I wouldn't tell my son, her family or go spreading it around what she had done but I also let her know I would never lie for her. If someone asked me straight out if she cheated I would tell them. I do not owe her anything and you do not owe your future ex wife anything either. Tell your family the abbreviated story but include all of the truth no matter how bad it makes her look. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, she is the one that cheated not you. I promise once you let the truth out you will feel better and feel like you are not alone in all this any longer. Taking the high road does not mean omitting the truth, it is why you are speaking the truth that matters. You need to survive this mess and you need people with you that know what has happened. The other stuff she is doing is classic and you should be able to see through it by now. Step back and see what is really going on, you are still being used and controlled by her. There is no chance that you can get yourself right until you go total no contact. What you are trying to do is heal a burn and as soon as it starts feeling better you stick your arm back into the fire and ruin all the healing. You need to get tough and stop all contact. There should be literally almost zero reasons why you need to interact with her other than through email for legal stuff. It is time Carrot Lost Link to comment
Charliehorse Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Carrot I still have a few more pages to read of your thread before I can see where you actually are, everyone has problems in relationships so that is no excuse for what she has done. I've heard you talk a lot about what she wants, bud you have made yourself a doormat and you are lacking dignity and self respect. please understand that no one should be treated the way she has treated you, don't let her play you anymore. Link to comment
Charliehorse Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Carrot I would live under a bridge before I would spend anymore time with this woman, she is not the person you thought she was, She's a cake eater and she is just stringing you along. If you don't cut your ties your life will continue to be miserable. Link to comment
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