Going trough hell. Help

[Lester]

Gary Smalley's "If only he knew"

 

This book will not only help you to understand what, if anything you did wrong with her, but also understand all women.

Yes, in time, you will have another women in your life, but in the meantime, figure out what you want to do with your wife.

 

--

Tell me about the earliest days of the relationship. Did you live together for four years and then suddenly marry, only to find her in an affair after one month?

[lostandhurt]

Carrot,

 

You keep talking like you basically drove her into his arms. This is not true. Could you have been a better husband? Of course but the vows aren't "In good times only" when things aren't perfect is when two loving couples turn to each other, not some other guy.

 

What is the living arrangement?

What is the financial situation?

What expenses do you share?

 

You need to cut her off completely and start rebuilding who you are. Carrot 2.0 so to speak. Better, stronger, healthier with vision of what he wants in life and a partner. Open a new bank account at a totally different bank, not just a different branch. Start depositing your pay check there so you have money to live on that she cannot touch. Credit cards need to be addressed as well. Then where you will live needs to be considered.

 

I know you are thinking "Wait we aren't divorced yet!" What you do know will determine your life at the other end of all this no matter how it turns out and that means taking steps to protect yourself.

 

Do you know why she walked back giving you that ring? Because she is afraid you will cut her off and her fantasy will come to an end once you had been pushed to far. Do you know how many other men out there never wanted to OWN the wife they are having sex with, they just want to rent and when you kick her to the curb and she is all his things take on a seriousness they all to often don't want any part of.

 

Right now this is NOT about your marriage, it is about you taking care of yourself and protecting yourself. Keep the rings and put them in a drawer for later. Eat right, sleep, work out, talk to family and friends, open the new account and start figuring out where your life is going to be the next 6 months. Most of all stop talking to her, stop supporting her and stop making excuses for her. This is first aid 101 for your life, not hers.

 

Keep posting and like Lester said think before you say anything and then don't say it. Silence is your friend.

 

Lost

[carrotpile]

Sorry will answer in more detail later.

 

But this is somehow what I just decided when she gave me the ring back.

 

Meeting a old friend now. And she was all going nuts now.. like where am I going, who am I meeting. Didn't feel like telling her. Just said a friend. And she wanted me to stay, as she could need some help with something she is doing.

 

But I left bc. I made this appointment before... And now I feel like a douchebag again... should I have stayed now with her when she needed me??

[Wiseman2]

It's unclear how playing games is helping the situation. Either for self improvement or your marriage if that is what you are trying to save.

 

Not sure how simply saying "I'm going to the [dentist, whatever], sorry" is a problem and using bs like "a friend" to imply that now you're the one who is cheating is somehow useful.

 

Really...get therapy asap so you can navigate intelligently rather than making up stupid games. This nonsense does zero for you and zero for your marriage. If you want to dissolve your marriage get an attorney asap, especially since she is having and affair and wants a divorce. If you are attempting to save your marriage stop grovelling and being a doormat and insist on marriage therapy and that she end the affair. Please wake up..

this is somehow what I just decided when she gave me the ring back. Meeting a old friend now.

[Lester]

No..., RUN.

 

Temptations are another phase of the infidelity tragedy.

Women are very observant and nurturing, add her loneliness and your broken ego and you have a recipe for years of extended pain.

 

Do not allow yourself to comforted by any non-relative woman.

[lostandhurt]

If this friend is an old MALE friend you are going to have a few beers with and catch up that is great but do not bend the ear of another woman. This isn't about revenge, making her jealous, stroking your ego or anything else. This is about you rebuilding yourself from the ground up.

 

You do not owe her anything. No explanations, no excuses and certainly no help with her problems. Let her bf deal with all that. Right?

 

So far you have been home base, her safe place to land while she runs around but now that is disappearing and she is freaking out. Let her...

 

Your best bet is to come at all of this from a place of strength not weakness. That requires that you stop feeling sorry for her (did she feel sorry for you when she cheated and lied?) you also need to educate yourself on these situations, the divorce laws in your state and county and what legal moves you should be making right now and I mean TODAY! You see you have been in zero control of any of this and the sooner you regain some control over your life the sooner you will find your legs back under you and the strength to make really good choices for your life.

 

She has chosen, she has stated what she wanted and flaunted it in your face. Tell me again why you should feel bad for her?

 

Lost

[carrotpile]

Regarding the living arrangement. Still in the same flat. Since she quit the job the rent/utilities and rates for the car are on me. She's with groceries only. Other stuff is kinda case-by-case. But yeah, clearly the bigger part is on me now. Salary is covering.

 

Credit card and account is safe. Also got some savings from before we met that from all what I understood legally is safe.

-------

Yes I meant a male friend. Sorry for the confusion. So yeah actually ah very releasing to reconnect in those directions.

Adding loneliness? I mean sure she is lonely, that's kinda part of the problem of hers ( no friends here ). I stopped meeting too many people for her and now I feel like giving those more attention again. That's part of getting my life back and being who I was?!

-----

Also got some more 'understanding' from my therapist. And he gave me a different way of asking her of honesty and not keeping her thoughts secret.

The answer I got off of that was surely not the whole story but still felt very honest.

So she told me that there are strong feelings for him. Not love, as she knows who her only love in life can ever be, but strong feelings of admiration, inspiration, ... of someone who is living the life she dreamed of. (That single life, all focusing on that one passion, not a job or whatever).

She is very confused as she never experienced such feelings, especially not while being with her only love. But due to that, she also doesn't want to loose him as a good friend.

She doesn't know how to deal with all of this and what it all means. And doesn't have someone she could talk to without being judged.

 

I suggested her some of her old friends that would understand. And also encouraged her to see a therapist then. Single and not couple sessions for now.

But yeah she's kinda not willing to change anything until that move happened... which might be months...

[Wiseman2]

So she wants you to pay while she plays? It sounds like a lot of double talk to keep the money flowing while she carries on with the affair. Why can't you move back to the country/area/town where you were happy? How far are you from home?

 

Are you and your wife from the same culture/country/religion/language? There seems to be intense communication problems and cultural mentality issues. It sounds like you are hoping she will change her mind about wanting to leave you and keep the affair more discrete so it doesn't hurt you. Perhaps she can not talk about him/the affair as much and this way you will be happier.

Since she quit the job the rent/utilities and rates for the car are on me.

 

So she told me that there are strong feelings for him. ... of someone who is living the life she dreamed of. (That single life, all focusing on that one passion, not a job or whatever).She is very confused as she never experienced such feelings. She doesn't know how to deal with all of this and what it all means.

[carrotpile]

I could move back any time. But to be honest it's not really what I want for myself now. And if I understood previous comments right, leaving now would be the clear end right away?!

 

I'm always seeing the best in people. So ofc that's what I see in her too. Couldn't it be exactly what she says? And as you say, keeping it from me is her way to not hurt me unnecessarily and therefore the communication issues?

 

There are indeed minor cultural differences from a different country involved. Never was or seen any communication issues due to that though.

And what is going on, is clearly also a struggle and "wrong" for her. So it's not like this is normal for her culturally or whatever.

To also clarify: as different countries are involved: No she has no benefits or additional rights trough the marriage in that regards.

 

She needs this time and distance now. Couldn't I accept that and see where it leads - willingly to give that much for the love?

[carrotpile]

So yeah.. what happened now...

Maybe short background: 3 months ago before I started noticing that she did hide smth and before she was all over the phone and very sure before they met in person. She told me about a first event she was invited to and expecting the first payment there for the new passion. And additionally to the payment, also got offered to sleep over at the place of one organisator (not to waste the payment on travel+hotel)

That was/is him and back then I agreed bc. she was so into making a business out of it that I didn't want to blow the opportunity and also didn't see any problem with it other than being there with strangers. But she assured they are ok.

 

So that event is next weekend. And she told me now, that she gives us some space next week.

So instead of staying that one night for the event. She will go there now for 5 nights or so. She even explained me, bc. its also his birthday and there will be the chance to meet some other ppl from the event.

 

So far, I was just smth like "Ah ok, wish you a good time there"... How I really am, you can imagine.

 

1) Should I do/say smth about it before she leaves next week?

2) Should I remain calm and ok with it when she engages me with it until then?

3) How to act while she is there? No contact at all, not even how she arrived, how she is?

4) How should I react when ( or if ....) she comes back?

 

....

5) I don't want to accept it eh? But I don't wanna give up as long as I'm not sure there is more or she clearly says it's over.

6) Would this be a time where I can start taking with family about what's actually going on? Or should I keep out any relatives of ours until we're clear?

 

 

Thanks for helping me so far btw. I think alone I would have gone completely nuts by now. Greetings!

[carrotpile]

Should I encouter her again. Set her finally free completely and tell her my view, pain and unhappiness with the last months. And if this is really what she wants from her life, Set her to pack not only for the week but for good?

And set her not to contact me unless she decides if she still means what she said long before the wedding: That I always will be the one and there could never be someone else even if I would not be anymore? Unless she decides if she still wants to be my wife or not?

 

I feel so foolish about this step here because it's also related to her passion/that event. And she will smack me the "it's just a friend" and "I finally found friends there and want to have a fun week". Should I underline that by me moving out if she comes back without a clear decision or would that not pinpoint towards setting her free?

 

This is all very different from the other affair situations i read about (also in the book). Because also this wish of being single of hers and connection through between him/her trough the passion/potential businesses... That both plays against me with regards of settings her free...

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she is having an affair and now just tells you to your face that she will be sleeping with him for those 5 days. Since she knows you are ok with her lover and the affair, there is no reason for her to end it.

 

She can have her lover for passion and sex and you to stay home and pay all the bills. Keep relatives out of it. The person you should be speaking to is an attorney.

She will go there now for 5 nights or so. She even explained me, bc. its also his birthday. I don't wanna give up as long as I'm not sure there is more or she clearly says it's over.

[carrotpile]

And exactly that is what I wrote now in a letter, as I can not speak it out properly anymore. I wrote about all what's on my mind, that I don't want that pain anymore, and that I will do my best to get rid of my love and giving her the freedom and choice to leave now and asking her to stay out of my life and not contact me for anything else than a clear decision or for the next steps to settle everything.

 

Thinking of giving that later that day.

 

Just not sure if I should stay or provide it and leave until she is out for this week???

[Wiseman2]

Oh my, you are reading all that "get your ex back" junk telling you to write her letters expressing your feelings and doing stupid things like saying "going out with a friend". You are wasting your time. She is already planning her departure replete with a new lover, life, passion, career, etc. and you are writing letters that state the obvious?

 

See a lawyer. She probably already has and because you are wasting time writing her your feelings, she will have full advantage and smoothly transition from leaving you to living with her lover.

 

Don't send that letter, she and her lover will laugh at it together about what a fool you are.. Send her divorce papers.

I wrote now in a letter. I wrote about all what's on my mind, that I don't want that pain anymore, and that I will do my best to get rid of my love and giving her the freedom and choice to leave now and asking her to stay out of my life and not contact me for anything else than a clear decision or for the next steps to settle everything. Thinking of giving that later that day.

[carrotpile]

But she did not state that yet.

But so have I in the letter.

 

And no i'm not sending it there but planning to give it now/day before she leaves. At least it's at an end somehow then.

 

So I should do that in person...? Sorry I never ended a marriage before... in other relationships I could always leave in peace after a talk. That seems impossible here.

[Lester]

When it come to infidelity, there's no greater pain.

 

The confusion it creates is the reason you keep doubling back on yourself and asking the same questions all over again.

 

Go back and reread our advice to you.

 

Reminder:

Don't help her with anything. Let her feel you're happy she's leaving, don't beg, plead follow etc.

[carrotpile]

Args I'm confused. Why doubling back now?

It's somehow also how I understood Dobson. I don't want this anymore and it's what I'm finally stating to her. Absolutely fine with her decision to go wherever, but not back here unless she's clear on what she wants.

I'll use all my power to rinse the love and clear my mind of her.

 

... At least I can not play along any further as if I'm happy with all of it

[Wiseman2]

Yes. You have to dissolve a marriage legally. You can make it amicable if you want. However you will need an attorney to do the paperwork. You can't just "walk away in peace", as if you're dating.

 

You can give her the letter, but what are you hoping to accomplish with it? It's already over, she told you that and also told you she will be with her lover when she leaves. You can't just "rinse her out of your mind" and poof!, it's over. Is it that you can't afford a consultation with an attorney or a therapist?

 

It seems you are taking all sorts of lateral steps to avoid the inevitable. It seems you are still in denial that this guy is her lover and that she "wants to be single". Wishing and hoping your letter will make her run back to you.

I never ended a marriage before... in other relationships I could always leave in peace after a talk. That seems impossible here.

[carrotpile]

The reason why I hope that, is because she keeps telling me that.

So yeah first have to clarify that on a human level before I pop out the divorce papers?!

[carrotpile]

Either "make her run back". Or understanding on both sides its over yeah.

[Wiseman2]

Are you reading a lot of those "get her back" books/sites? The letter writing thing explaining your feelings is one of the things (unfortunately) that they suggest. Ok write your letter and see what happens.

Either "make her run back". Or understanding on both sides its over yeah.

[Lester]

If you're interested in saving your marriage, don't write any letters to her. It's just more weakness, which drives away her/anybody.

[Lester]

Don't think there's ANY quick and easy push button remedy to reconciliation or divorce. (It's a man thing to think such.)

[carrotpile]

I am interested in, but not capable of doing so... Messing even with all the good tips and hints you gave me... So maybe it's for the better.

 

I didn't give the letter but did it in person. So yeah I guess I'll be back soon in the 'Healing...' section

[Lester]

Telling in person once, without weakness is the way to do it.