Going trough hell. Help

[carrotpile]

Hope I did so now

[lostandhurt]

What are you waiting for? You get to decide when it is over too you know.

 

So having sex with some other dude, lying, flaunting it in your face, giving back her wedding ring isn't enough for you to decide it is over? Exactly what does she need to do before you call it quits?

 

If she leaves to go see this guy at ALL change the locks or cancel the lease and move out while she is gone. Hoping she chooses you over him is not going to work, she has already made her choice, the only thing she wants you for is to pay the bills.

 

I am sorry to be so blunt but you need to hear it. Save yourself

 

Lost

[Lester]

I am interested in, but not capable of doing so... Messing even with all the good tips and hints you gave me... So maybe it's for the better.

I didn't give the letter but did it in person. So yeah I guess I'll be back soon in the 'Healing...' section

 

It's hardest thing any man could ever have to do.

 

Most husbands wait till the last bell before asking for help.

Then the circle of doubt and denial begins, which leads to wasted time.

 

Wasted time reinforces her screwed up opinions of you.

Once you start to get your legs under you, she, like thousands like her, begin to move back in your direction.

 

This ever repeating story is the "proof" of her weakness.

 

Her false bravado is stripped away and she finally see's the creep she's been putting on a pedestal, and more importantly, for the first time in years, begins to see the honorable man she's throwing away.

 

Spend some time reading posts similar to yours here on ena.

You'll see this pattern repeated over and over. (i.e., She starts chasing after you. Which can lead to your/their false bravado. Confusing enough for you yet Carrot?)

 

This is what I was trying to do with you.

Accelerate the process and many times the wife see's the difference between you and him much sooner.

 

You have no idea how powerful you are.

[lostandhurt]

I am confused on who you hope to win back? The woman you thought she was or the cheating lair you know she is?

 

Why does she keep throwing you crumbs? Because she wants you weak and confused so her free ride will continue. She hasn't and doesn't care about your feelings, she is in love with her bf and she has nothing but contempt for you. I would bet she laughs when she tells her bf how you still pay her way in life even though you know she is cheating.

 

It is time for self protection to kick in. Don't tell her anything, simply go to the solicitor and find out what steps you need to start a divorce. Then when you have all the information you need file and have her served.

 

I know you think it is easy for us to tell you to give up and divorce her but that is far from the truth. We have all tried to help men and women save their marriage but we have all been around long enough to know that it takes two people that are present for any chance at all and your soon to be ex wife is not present, she has turned all her passion, love, compassion and empathy to her bf and away from you. I am sorry but the marriage died months ago, you just didn't know it.

 

Save yourself before more damage is done. You have endured enough...

 

Lost

[carrotpile]

Can you imagine that I still somehow think she is not fully lying? Due to circumstances it's hard to get that fully out of my head.

 

But yeah meanwhile I understand that part where she just doesn't care for my feeling anymore. So I know it is over and she is not my partner for life.

It's still hard and will be for a while.

 

Also got weak and answered her messages etc.. Damn me... But at least financially there is a cut now. And I hope to find a new place soon.

 

Divorce is only possible after a year apart here, so yeah... will be a while to deal with.

 

At least these days alone got me quite a bit back on my own feet... Haven't felt so productive and alife since months.

 

Will see how to deal with the days where we will still live together though...

 

Thanks for all your help and support here truly appreciate that you help/helped me to slowly find my way!

[Wiseman2]

Do you rent? Is she asking you to move out or is it what you want?

But at least financially there is a cut now. And I hope to find a new place soon.Will see how to deal with the days where we will still live together though.

[carrotpile]

Yes, rent. It's what I want. She actually asked if she could move with me if I found something before she did 0.o

[boltnrun]

Yes, rent. It's what I want. She actually asked if she could move with me if I found something before she did 0.o

 

Did you tell her yes?

 

What if she brings her boyfriend over to your shared rental?

[Lester]

She actually asked if she could move with me if I found something before she did 0.o

 

This is the beginning of the "surprises" I mentioned to you.

 

The left-behind husband always thinks the wayward wife is in the powerful position when in fact, most times, they have no idea how this happened to them.

 

As your strength returns she will start to want you back. Surprise!

[carrotpile]

Hmm yeah actually not.

I am more than convinced meanwhile that this all is not about the other guy. Especially as he seems to have someone else and merely was admired by her for the uncomitted and different life he lives.

 

Not even so much about me. Although I have quite some room for improvement as a partner.

 

It's a lot about her realizing that she is not living the life she once wanted before I got into it. She is not able or not wanting to commit for a life now - realizing it now after she got out of the stressing job and had time to think about it. She wants this open/single life that she said she never had. It's a lot about that.

 

It's a mess. For both of us... but yeah especially for me now, as I didn't have a single life layed out that is just waiting for me...

 

I'll have to start completely from scratch kinda, too much changed... too much I gave up on. But it's getting all clearer and I just have to continue to get on my feet and in time find someone who's sure what she wants from life.

[lostandhurt]

Carrot,

 

No matter the reasons or excuses she gives you or you accept in the end they simply do not matter. It is over in the most hurtful way possible (well if she had slept with your brother I guess that would be worse) but it is just as over.

 

On this entire forum I have seen the Ole "I never got to be single and free" crap a hundred times. She wants to be free then set her free and I mean totally free. No shoulder to cry on, ZERO financial help and that includes letting her stay with you at your new place (she has some pretty big ovaries asking that BTW) and no more contact of any kind. For your own sake you need to go total no contact. You have already felt how much better you are without her around so make it permanent so you can begin to really get your life going in the direction you want.

 

Please do not date until your divorce is final. There is no rush to meet anyone and the year will give you time to get your life going really well.

 

Each day you spend working on yourself and not thinking about her is one more day closer to your wonderful life.

 

Lost

[carrotpile]

Thanks for the kind words and help.

Yeah currently it's a daily rollercoaster, because we still live together.

Next week we gonna see a therapist after she had a session on her own.

So I'm assuming I'll get to hear what's actually going on...

 

Currently it's almost reversed, where she suddenly hangs on me again... I guess it's the guilt.

 

Sad... I thought it's the girl I wanted to be with for a lifetime and now it ended so quick and like this.

Maybe we both weren't ready, not knowing what we want from life...

 

I'm working my way up again.. Anxieties are still there but I'm managing and getting back up.

I realised that I also took some harsh trust issues from this... Kinda affects the little leftovers of my social life aswell. But also started to work on that right away....

[Lester]

Currently it's almost reversed, where she suddenly hangs on me again... I guess it's the guilt.

 

The reason you couldn't understand this is that you didn't understand the entire dynamic of infidelity and what it meant to her.

 

Like Dobson said, for her, it most likely started from feelings of neglect, age, self-worth etc.

This made her weak and vulnerable; a perfect target for any of the many predators that pass you and her daily.

 

 

Btw, it's most likely shame, not guilt.

[lostandhurt]

I would say fear.

 

Ever notice how brave a toddler is when mommy and daddy are nearby? They have that feeling of security so they are more brave.

 

Your wife sees her security (you) disappearing before her eyes and she is scared. It is sad that all she took from your love is security.

 

I am sure there is plenty of shame, guilt, regret and fear but she sure didn't show that when she left you to go see her bf did she. She had free will and she made her choices, it is time for you to stick to yours.

 

Remember you come first in all this. It may not be your nature to be selfish but you need to for now to protect yourself and your heart.

 

Keep posting and try and steer clear of her as much as possible.

 

Lost

[carrotpile]

Man.. I don't know what to do at the moment. I can't focus on myself when she's around. It's like she's all over me and happy until the topic pops up again and we get angry/mad/sad or whatever and it ends up in me being the bad guy, the one that makes her feel bad and bring her down instead of letting her cope with what happened and sort her feelings.

Even though she triggers it by reading trough my notes and asking about it...

 

Honestly, how am I supposed to react when she's around, seeking closeness and security?

 

I want to provide that... Not because I'm still so attached, but because it's how I feel and how I am... A good guy I suppose...?!

 

It'll be 2 more months according to current plans like that. And even afterwards I'm uncertain how to go on. Break contact? Keep in touch and build up some trust again? Maybe therapy together is gonna shed some light on that?

 

At least for myself I got plans and ideas on what I want to do. Hard to keep focused on that though...

[Lester]

Because they own a TV, many think they understand war, guns, bombs and how they would react around them.

Trust me when I say, it's different when it really starts happening to you!

 

Infidelity is no different.

 

For your entire life, you've been inundated with romanticized and/or judgemental/hateful stories of infidelity.

 

This why it's so hard for you to stay focused.

You've learned the truth and it hurts like hell.

 

 

 

If, and by willingly breaking her vows/promises to you, she released you.

That does not mean you HAVE to be released. That's up to you and YOUR choice.

 

Do not let others force you down the path they choose to take.

Each failing marriage circumstance is different and should be treated accordingly.

[lostandhurt]

Hang in there and stay busy.

 

You need time to decide what you want to do right? Then ask her for that time by not trying to fix this with hugs and pretending it didn't happen.

 

Getting your mind right and your strength back will allow you to make the right choice for you right now. It may change in a week or a month or 6 months but you need to get right before you can take the next step.

 

You decide what you want, not her. She already made several horrible choices that affected you all on her own with no regard for you or the marriage. The least she can do is let you be while you work through all these emotions.

 

The one thing to avoid is letting fear make the decision for you. Far to many choose thinking "I will never meet anyone as good as her" "I am afraid she will never change" "I don't know what will happen to me if this ends" and on and on. Remember you were just fine before she came along and you will be just fine no matter how this turns out.

 

Lost

[carrotpile]

Yeah staying busy helps somehow. As soon as I settle for a moment, it's getting difficult again.

 

Thought I am handling the fear but especially now it's coming back with thoughts of what comes next.

 

The therapy session with her somehow helped in some way. We agreed that we will move separately but at least in the same city. From her side came the suggestion to do some courses together and start kinda from scratch. Dating and getting to know the "new" us.

But the main focus will be on ourselves first before we get to know each other again (if that will happen).

The move will be a big step for me. Seeing it as a chance to get comfortable with myself and to do the things that only I want, without caring of someone else.

The biggest obstacle for me is really to get to know new people, open up to them and build real friendships. It's the thing that is very important to me, but I have big troubles with.

 

Does this make sense or am I running in a terrible mistake with that?

[Wiseman2]

Hope you are doing ok. Good you are going to therapy and have s decided to separate and live apart. Sadly she seems to want to go in circles and buy time while she dates/explores other option, but has you as a safety net just in case.

 

Clearly you realize going backwards is a strange idea, no?

From her side came the suggestion to do some courses together and start kinda from scratch. Dating and getting to know the "new" us.

[lostandhurt]

I think you are doing really well. If you don't believe me read some of your first posts and see for yourself.

 

I am not saying rediscovering each other after some time apart isn't possible but many times after you are away from the torment and get yourself a great life you may just discover that who she is isn't who you want in your life.

 

Separating usually ends in divorce statistically so know that going in. There are times when for someone's sanity or safety it needs to happen or if one person is simply using the other and shows no signs of remorse then being apart can help both parties clear their heads and figure out what is best for them.

 

The question you really need to ask yourself is: Can I get where I want to be from here? Meaning: Can I get healthy, work on my issues and pain and rebuild the trust and marriage while we are together? If the brutal honest answer is no I can't do that living with her then separation looks like the best option.

 

Getting out of your comfort zone can be tough but there is no better time than right now. What do you have to loose? After my divorce and I was sure my son was totally okay (2 years) I really got out there and challenged myself socially. I was even auctioned off for charity as a date. I did interviews on TV, was a bartender at a couple of meet the bachelors events and was even up on stage at a fashion show. These are things I would have never done in my old life. I survived it all and came out more confident, with more friends and a totally new way of socializing and meeting people. I am more open and friendly, more apt to say hi to anyone I come across and certainly more of the person I always wanted to be. I am sure you can overcome your obstacles little by little.

 

I have been were you have been and I know how confusing and uneasy it make you feel but it does get better, especially when you feel more control over your life.

 

Keep posting and always take good care of yourself

 

Lost

[Lester]

"...without caring of someone else."

- That won't work.

 

Non-caring people don't come to ena.

Keep being yourself, and learn how to polish what you already have.

 

How?

Today, don't be afraid to say yes to any honorable offer that may come your way. (e.g. Date other women, no, you're still married. Go to a football game, YES. etc)

 

 

PS, Be careful about "opening up" to anyone who is not a counselor, relative or lifelong friend.

[carrotpile]

Thank you so much for all your help and advices. It helps me a lot to get the different views and ideas about it from you. Thank you for that!

I'm getting somewhere slowly, picking up hobbies again. Meditating. Doing plans and work towards them.

 

It's about a month until she moves. Somehow the plan is, that we move together for few months. To have the chance to step foot, find proper apartments and (for me) also a new job.

 

I don't know what's going on about this. She says she loves me, kisses me, hugs me... Speaks about how she urgently needs this time for herself but is also so fearful as she doesn't want to damage the relationship further and loose me...

 

And after now almost 6months of this, I don't even know... is she with the guy again now or what is going on... It's freaky.

 

 

My gut feeling tells me actually to move somewhere else, a nice small city I visited few months back during the worst of this .

But my heart tells me to move in the city with her and also take it as a chance to get more out of my comfort zone...

 

I wished I knew which feeling to follow. I wished I knew what was/is actually going on...

[boltnrun]

How will you feel if/when she brings the other guy to your shared apartment?

 

And don't be naïve enough to exclaim "she would never do that!!" Because, why not? It would just be a shared rental.

[Lester]

"I wished I knew which feeling to follow. I wished I knew what was/is actually going on..."

- The answers to these questions come from you.

 

You took the proper steps to stop the momentum and draw her back in your direction, but now what?

 

This is your time.

 

Time to decide for yourself if the marriage was a genuine marriage or something else.

You start from the beginning, which was before you even met her.

 

Were you ready and really thinking of finding, and spending the rest of your life with that special someone?

When you finally decided, did you date in a intelligent, respectful manner?

 

Did you keep the goal of marriage, wife and family at the forefront of all your actions?

[lostandhurt]

Trust your gut.

 

I am confused why you cannot have separate apartments AND try and work on your relationship. Every day you are near her and her manipulations you grow weaker not stronger. Don't make decisions from a place of weakness and fear, only from a place of strength and confidence.

 

How can you work on anything when you aren't sure who you are?

 

Lost