Bigboss29 Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 Man, This feels like me 2 years ago, come on man she clearly playing you... All the stuff you doing pushes her further into his arms his basically doing nothing but charming her.. Don't fall for "I don't know what's going on about this. She says she loves me, kisses me, hugs me... Speaks about how she urgently needs this time for herself but is also so fearful as she doesn't want to damage the relationship further and loose me..." this just an excuse to keep you on the line while her guy gets a free ride when she visits him.. and cheaters can make excuses.... "My gut feeling tells me actually to move somewhere else, a nice small city I visited few months back during the worst of this" - Awesome plan! Look into it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 Hi, happy new year everyone! So short status: Next weeks she is moving to a new apartment. I'm moving next month to a shared apartment, not so far. When she got the message that she will get the apartment, she was completely down and scared... Telling me that the doors are always open and all the stuff she wants to do (also with me) Yeah she's clearly keeping me on the line somehow. Having it unresolved feelings for two man and not able to cut one loose.... Not sure what that means too... She reduced contact with him by a lot but it's still there, I mean after all she spend like 2 weeks with him at the very beginning. And since then 3 or 4 nights? Always for some event/other ppl around and involved. It's tricky also because in these situations she has these thoughts of hurting herself... Which I'm not really sure how to deal with. I hope she'll just start a therapie after she moved and get things resolved. Idk. I can imagine what a s*hole situation that is for her. Not only with the feelings for two man, but also with things that came up from her past and not being able to actually study and work on the career she once wanted... In total she is mentally/emotionally very broken at this point. It's not so much excuses to keep me on the line, but a complete mess that she gathered there now... I'm still supporting her with what I can and somehow hope that she gets out of it at least alive, even if not with me. Maybe I'm being played big time, but I care too much about her to put it at risk now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Is she blackmailing you with suicide threats?Next weeks she is moving to a new apartment. I'm moving next month to a shared apartment, not so far. in these situations she has these thoughts of hurting herself... Which I'm not really sure how to deal with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 No i think it's not blackmailing me - at least never put it as a condition of me leaving or so. It's basically coming up on bad days of her. Or when I try to speak about what's going on with her... Yesterday it came up, after I helped her with preparations for the move and she suddenly was all over the phone and I just asked if she needed any other help or she's busy with other stuff now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 So her way of "coping" is to claim she wants to "hurt herself" whenever you bring up moving, separating or divorcing, yet she's upbeat/happy enough to have a lover?Yesterday it came up, after I helped her with preparations for the move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 That's the thing. The seperate move ia happening on her initative. And at this point, I would also not really call it a lover anymore. And happiness is also not really involved.... Idk what this is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Have you made your decision? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 I want to be with her. If she really know who she loves. I want her to finally have the power and courage to end it. Let the therapist help her to get over it so we can finally start to heal the wounds that opened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Don't expect any miracles from pay-to-play third parties. Did you finish Love must be Tough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 Yes I finished it, as well as few others. However it's so much more going on that I still not know the right actions to take, it seems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Carrot, Why do you keep making excuses for her? Why are you still supporting her? Are you hoping that if you are the solid guy that will not turn his back on her no matter what she says or does she will eventually choose you? She has made you a choice, not a person she loves, just a choice. Get some distance from her emotionally and physically so you can see what life is like without being manipulated constantly, once you get the distance the answers will come. This is your life too so stop allowing her to dictate how you feel and what you do. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Leaping every time she wants you to does not engender respect. She knows no matter what she does, you will be sitting there waiting for her to pay attention to you. Not an attractive look. And you are fine with her seeing both you and another guy, hoping to be the winner of the "Pick Me!" game? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Well if you read Dobson you must know you have to set her free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 4, 2019 Author Share Posted January 4, 2019 That's what finally happened yesterday after the posts of lostandhurt and boltnrun.... I still don't know if that was a good move in this situation. I feel weirdly relieved but also like a big douche. She cried terribly. But honestly... what now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starrdeal1 Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 This makes me so sick when people play games. She was so depressed she needed a new snitzen gruben to ride on so she could get better!? I searched long and hard and never saw this prescribed in the so called depression solution area. She is clearly a liar and game player. Cut your losses and seek to divorce or get counseling asap. I suffer from depression. Majorly due to my own family history of abuse and now my husbands family's bullying and guess what...not once did I say "I'm sad..i need a new Weiner pill". I smell bs. I call Bs. I now divorce is a horrible option, but she either needs to get her Jazz together and cut the bs or you leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 4, 2019 Author Share Posted January 4, 2019 Ofc it was bs. But nevertheless both things were/are real. Just blaming the lover on the depression is the bs. She asked me if I want to separate... We are already separating?! Honestly what do I do now? What will she do now? Ask me what I want? She's in love with him and want's to keep it at a friendship. She says I'm the only love but wants to move separate from me... Then so be it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 This has been her goal all along. Play with her lover and have the freedom of being single but have the benefits of marriage. And she is using every manipulation and trick in the book to that end. Stop convincing her to love you. Lying, crying, double-talk, yeah, she loves you and him and is oh so "confused", claiming she's depressed (of course not enough to go off with her lover) claiming she's suicidal, etc. That is all so that you do all the heavy lifting emotionally, financially, etc. so she can play in art class rather than work and "find herself" with that and of course in the arms of this guy. You can lie there bleeding and paying bills. Because "you're the only love". She asked me if I want to separate... We are already separating?! She's in love with him and want's to keep it at a friendship. She says wants to move separate from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 But honestly... what now? It makes sense to remove yourself from the confusion and clear your mind. From there you should be able to answer your questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Wah wah wah, I want to have you around to do things for me and I want him around for excitement and romance, poor me!!!! I'm so sad I need to have two men chasing me to make me feel better! And only my feelings matter, not theirs, because I am the most important one here! I will cry to manipulate you into feeling sorry for ME even though I am the one who created all this mess! And look, it's working! Really? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 Carrot, As I read your words I see a man that has almost been brainwashed by his spouse. She has you questioning everything you know to be right and just. She cheated on you right to your face and now wants to keep the guy around as a "friend" She has lied, manipulated, twisted your love for her into some sick devotion, used you, laughed at you, treated you like a chained dog that will never leave and worst of all she has never shown real remorse other than crocodile tears. You ask what do you do now? Make a list of what you absolutely NEED to accomplish in the next 3 weeks. Then get to work on it. We can help you make the list. Then make a list of what you WANT to accomplish in the next 3 months and start planning it. The first thing on the list is to stop all contact with her. She has messed up your mind Carrot and you need to get away from the fumes she is putting off if you ever want to clear your head. If you need proof that she has brainwashed you look back on what your thoughts were on infidelity and look at what you have been willing to accept these last few months. She has preyed on your love like a vampire. Break the cycle now! Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 Hey Carrot, How about an update. How are you doing? Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brent878 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 i am also going through a divorce. pure hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrotpile Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 Hey, thanks for the help again. I did read your help but didn't really find time to answer. Was very busy with the move(s) and the last days at my job. So yeah kinda still busy getting everything in order and get my new room liveable. So far so good. Pretty worried about being officially jobless starting 1., but I got few months covered and maybe it's a good chance to find something that's not as tiring/boring... Also stayed few days at her new ap before I could move into mine now. She started some therapy and from what I know stopped contact with him. Even skipped some events where she would have seen him. Gave me some keys to her place and told me doors were always open for me? I really don't understand this. But whatever, I'm very busy to get my stuff in order. It's slow and tiring but am sure I'll be getting somewhere. Thanks a lot for all your thoughs, input and help! I'll see to drop another update sometime soon when everything settled a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 That sounds like you are making progress. The whole key thing is a way to keep you attached. If it was me I would give the keys back politely. Keeping moving forward, you are doing great! Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 If it was me I would give the keys back politely. I second that. It's either or. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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