GF says that she still has feelings for "ex" and it bothers me a lot

Okay so i've been dating this girl for almost 3 months now. It's been going really well to be honest. We always have fun together when we hangout and at some point in the night I always end up making her laugh so hard that she can barely breathe. We have very deep and mature conversations a lot and seem to be very honest to each other about each conversation. There never seems to be a dull moment and we've seem to have gotten very close because we have both opened up to each other about a lot of personal stuff about our lives. So i guess that's good haha.

Now one of these conversations that has come up a few times is about her most recent "ex" and I put quotations around ex because they never really dated. He was cheating on his girlfriend of 9 years with her for a year and a half and led her on while she was in love with him (he was seeing other girls while my gf and him were hooking up, she just had no idea). He told her to not fall in love with her. But then when she started to talk to me as friends, he got super jealous and controlling, demanded that she stopped talking to me, told her to take me off Instagram and snapchat, ect (I'm not the only person he told her to do this to btw, it was like any guy that she enjoyed hanging out with in a platonic way). So eventually, she told him that she wanted to stop hooking up and seeing each other, she stopped talking to him completely, he's reached out to her multiple times, and she just ignores it. Hes tried friend requesting her back on snapchat, and she declined it and eventually blocked him. But the thing is that she says that this was the first person she ever had a "thing" with and fell in love (which blows my mind by the way) and she hates herself that she fell in love with him because she knows how bad of a human being he his and she finds it hard to understand why she loved him in the first place and also why she still has some feelings for him now... I wasnt really sure what to tell her after she said that.

Now she has been extremely honest with me about this whole thing. I just worry that I'm some massive rebound and that her feelings for me are not genuine, which i feel like is definitely not true because she cut him out of her life, he didnt dump her, she dumped him! and also, she has done a lot for me to show that she cares about me. She has listened to my issues, taken care of me when i was really sick ect. Maybe I'm just overthinking this? Because i had my heartbroken around 10 months ago, it was my first heartbreak and it really messed me up. I guess I could say that I still have feelings for that ex, there are things that remind me of her a lot and i sometimes think about how things could've gone differently if never hit the fan in that relationship. But I know that isn't the right way to think about it and I know I will never, ever go back to her.

Maybe I'm just overthinking this. I'm not too sure. I just want to be cautious. Should I bring this up to her? She always tells me how much she appreciates how straightforward I am about stuff, especially sensitive topics like this. But telling her about these specific insecurities I have makes me feel bad. I'm not sure if this is a justified insecurity or not because of her actions after their "break up". Like I said, she dumped him, she stopped seeing him, she chose me. She can dump my ass and go back to him whenever she wants to be honest. And she knows he'll take her back, But she hasnt and I dont think she will. So why am I feeling like this? It frustrates me so much sometimes when I start really thinking about it.

Did she know that he had a girlfriend?

Yeah she did

If she is still talking abut this guy, she is not over him. Yes. You are a rebound.

How long had they not had sex before you started dating?

Yeah she did

Great. That says a lot about her character.

If she is still talking abut this guy, she is not over him. Yes. You are a rebound.

 

How long had they not had sex before you started dating?

I'm not entirely sure about that. But to be fair, she doesnt really bring him up in conversation. I actually talk about him more than she does. Which is not good. What should I do about this? Because I feel like our relationship in general is pretty good.

Great. That says a lot about her character.

I've talked to her about this too. She broke down crying about it. She seemed very remorseful about the whole thing. She said it scared her because of how blinded she was with emotion. If that makes any sense.

If she says she has feelings for him, you're a rebound.

Personally, I could not date/respect someone that knowingly slept with someone who had a partner - worse that it was for a long period. We would have a very different value system.

Don't be surprised if she starts up with him again.

I've talked to her about this too. She broke down crying about it. She seemed very remorseful about the whole thing. She said it scared her because of how blinded she was with emotion. If that makes any sense.

I think that that is nonsense. It was not once, it was over a year.

You are seeing her for who she is. It is your choice to act on it.

I think that that is nonsense. It was not once, it was over a year.

 

You are seeing her for who she is. it is your choice to act on it.

Both of your replies are good points. Should I bring my concerns up to her again? If so, how should I do it?

Both of your replies are good points. Should I bring my concerns up to her again? If so, how should I do it?

No. It doesn't change that she has feelings for this jerk, and that she slept with this guy for over a year.

You have to make that decision. The writing is on the wall. If you're cool with cheating, then go for it. If you are also good with a girl who still loves her ex, then go for it.

It's only been 3 mos, so it's in it's infancy. At this point you don't know if she will go back and forth between you and this guy or you and some other guy. That could be where the uneasiness stems from.

she dumped him, she stopped seeing him, she chose me. She can dump my ass and go back to him whenever she wants to be honest. And she knows he'll take her back, But she hasnt and I dont think she will. So why am I feeling like this?

This was bad form the get go. Sleeping with a guy with a gf, and you dating her when you know she loves this guy.

You are really setting yourself up for failure. Why not find a girl without so much drama.

This was bad form the get go. Sleeping with a guy with a gf, and you dating her when you know she loves this guy.

 

You are really setting yourself up for failure. Why not find a girl without so much drama.

I guess that just boils down to the fact that I dont have the confidence that I can. As much as I hate to admit it.

I guess that just boils down to the fact that I dont have the confidence that I can. As much as I hate to admit it.

I think it has nothing to do with confidence. I think that if you had self esteem issues you would continue to date this girl. She is not a good prospect, and it is good that you are seeing this, now. Honestly, this should have been an issue for you earlier. She still loves this guy and is a cheater. You need to be more selective.

You know, a big problem here is that she's a rebound for you. You admit that you keep on bringing up her past "boyfriend," and this affair she had really bothers you. Plus you say you have really deep, mature conversations with her. Why? You've only been dating her for 3 months. You should be having fun and going out and doing things and maybe making love. But I think it's you who keep probing her for more information about this affair she had, and you're dealing with passive-aggressive jealousy. When I was dating, I never asked about a girl's backgrounds or former love affairs. Any deep conversations were about life, or philosophy, or personal beliefs, etc. It's not about dragging details out of them about their old boyfriends. Because she's a rebound for you, you seem to be looking for cracks in her armor, flaws in her that will give you a reason to break up with her as a way to get back at your ex who broke up with you.

Listen, this girl was being used by a guy. Yes, her brain should have warned her away from an already taken guy, but her emotions probably got the better of her. If you can't put it in the past, then you should end it with her. But how about giving both you and her a chance. No more relationship conversations making her cry. No more asking about her former boyfriend. Go forward, not back, or don't go anywhere at all.

Oh yes Danzee, poor poor woman without any brains, will, or power of choice, utterly controlled like a mindless puppet by this guy who is a cheater. Poor poor little victim.

How about let's not bs and face fact. She has no values or morals to speak of. She knowingly got involved with a taken man and helped him cheat because she wanted to. She thought she could get him in the end. In her mind it was a competition between her and his "evil" gf. It took her a year to figure out that she isn't going to win this game and yet, she still harbors hope for that loser.

OP, yes, you are a rebound and who are you kidding here? This chic isn't relationship material and you know it. Don't lie to yourself about lacking confidence. If you are rebounding yourself, then hey, you are both using each other. My guess is that you are here because you are healing and this set up is no longer looking good for you. So, the decision is simple - dump this loser chic and go find a decent woman to date. You know.....one who is not a cheating wh...

Dan Zee,

She is in love with the guy! Plus, she did not give a crap about the cheating. It demonstrates she has no values or character! The OP should want better for himself.

I find this whole scenario frustrating to read, tbh.

First, the fact that your gf was involved casually with a man who was in a relationship and who got upset when she found out he was with women other than her, would be enough for me to not get involved with someone like this in the first place. She got involved with a committed guy and then gets upset when she finds out he's also cheating with other women? Not only are her morals out of whack but her reaction to him being with other women is hypocritical.

Second, I could never be involved in a relationship with someone who told me they still had feelings for someone else.

Next!

 

Personally, I could not date/respect someone that knowingly slept with someone who had a partner - worse that it was for a long period.

 

This^ and I could not date someone who still had feelings for an ex!

DEALBREAKER.

OP, please set higher standards for yourself, you deserve it and will be much happier and better off in the long run.

I appreciate all these responses. I cant thank you guys enough. I just cant help but think that since she acknowledged how badly she ed up and how stupid she was and that she's remorseful (which is why she stopped it with him, she realized how dumb this whole thing with that boy was, although I know it took her a frickin year to do it) that maybe she'll be better, but that also just sounds unreasonable. UGH. its so hard to think rationally when you have emotions involved.

 

It's just really hard to make a decision when you have emotions involved. .

To the contrary, I think when you (or anyone) knows they deserve better than someone who is harboring feelings for someone else (be it an ex or anyone), the decision can be quite easy.

It's moving on emotionally after that that's the hard part.

But in time, you do and you find someone more deserving of you and what you have to offer.

Self-esteem and all that.

I appreciate all these responses. I cant thank you guys enough. I just cant help but think that since she acknowledged how badly she ed up and how stupid she was and that she's remorseful (which is why she stopped it with him, she realized how dumb this whole thing with that boy was, although I know it took her a frickin year to do it) that maybe she'll be better, but that also just sounds unreasonable. UGH. its so hard to think rationally when you have emotions involved.

The problem with her "honesty" is that it's a devious kind of honesty. She told you what a low life she is, so if you stick around and accept it, she doesn't have to feel guilty about how she treats you and what she does to you later on. How nice for her, how utterly bad for you. If she was genuinely sorry like she claims, she wouldn't be dating at all. She'd be in counseling and working hard on herself and getting her head screwed on straight and her values and morals fixed. She isn't doing that - she is vomiting her "honesty" to you and you are lapping up the poison. In a way, you are her enabler - do evil despicable things and still have some guy date her. Yup, OP, I guarantee you she doesn't have much respect for you at all. Why would she if you are willing to stoop so low. In her mind, you don't have a moral compass either or you are simply a fool she can use and manipulate. Either way, this has disaster written all over. Crocodile tears.....

You're not overthinking anything, OP. This has disaster written all over it.

I don't buy she broke it off with him because she suddenly realized that what she was doing was wrong. I believe she broke it off because it was obvious he was not going to leave his girlfriend for her. I'm not sure how she thinks he led her on when he had another girlfriend the entire time, which she knew about. And she still likes this guy.

Look, she is nowhere near mature enough for a serious relationship. Her behaviour with this other guy was the epitome of selfishness, a trait that is not conducive to a successful relationship. Sure, she might come to really learn from it, but she has a lot of growing up to do before then. Now is not the right time for her to try to settle into a commitment when she's got so much inner development to accomplish first, and so many feelings to work through regarding this clown.

You are very likely to get hurt here, OP. Don't buy into the fear you can't do better. I promise you can do better than a girl who was the knowing and voluntary side-piece of a guy she is still into.

The only reason she stopped, was because he was sleeping with a harem of women. She would have continued if she thought it was her and the gf- as she had for over a year. What a sleaze. You need to wake up!

Bottom line: she is a cheat and is in love with this guy! Where is your self respect!