GF says that she still has feelings for "ex" and it bothers me a lot

[ThatwasThen]

I could say that I still have feelings for that ex, there are things that remind me of her a lot and i sometimes think about how things could've gone differently if never hit the fan in that relationship. But I know that isn't the right way to think about it and I know I will never, ever go back to her.

You're both rebounding.

 

You're not going to leave her even if we told you that you should, right? Just enjoy what you have with her while it lasts. You're well aware of her past. Is she aware of yours? Did you tell her that you still have some feelings for your ex? Neither one of you took the time to process your break ups and she defo didn't take enough time to figure out why she allows so little for herself by hooking up with a chronic cheater.

[Honeycomb8]

She's trashy and you're confused. Take it for what it is. It's not gonna be a good honest relationship because of who she is and who you are. End it or at least be realistic about what this is.

She doesn't respect you. I mean hell, you don't even respect yourself lol.

 

3 months is pretty much only the beginning, the smart and mature thing to do is run.

[Jibralta]

Now one of these conversations that has come up a few times is about her most recent "ex" and I put quotations around ex because they never really dated. He was cheating on his girlfriend of 9 years with her for a year and a half and led her on while she was in love with him (he was seeing other girls while my gf and him were hooking up, she just had no idea). He told her to not fall in love with her. But then when she started to talk to me as friends, he got super jealous and controlling, demanded that she stopped talking to me, told her to take me off Instagram and snapchat, ect (I'm not the only person he told her to do this to btw, it was like any guy that she enjoyed hanging out with in a platonic way). So eventually, she told him that she wanted to stop hooking up and seeing each other, she stopped talking to him completely, he's reached out to her multiple times, and she just ignores it. Hes tried friend requesting her back on snapchat, and she declined it and eventually blocked him. But the thing is that she says that this was the first person she ever had a "thing" with and fell in love (which blows my mind by the way) and she hates herself that she fell in love with him because she knows how bad of a human being he his and she finds it hard to understand why she loved him in the first place and also why she still has some feelings for him now... I wasnt really sure what to tell her after she said that.

 

Both of you have some issues with boundaries. It's ok for her to sleep with another woman's man and get bossed around by him in matters that are none of his business. It's ok for you to stay with a girl who has feelings for another guy.

 

It's a bit of a mess.

 

There's a difference between a relationship and a person. A person is a person. A relationship is a partnership. This girl may be an interesting person with a lot of good qualities, but she doesn't seem like a good partner.

 

Do you want a person or a relationship?

[nutbrownhare]

If she still has feelings for someone else, she is not fully available to you. If you still have feelings for someone else, you are not available to her. This kind of relationship can roll along quite happily - until one or other of you wants something that the other person just hasn't got to give. Then the heartache really kicks in.

 

My advice to you is to tell her you're catching feelings for her, but this isn't going to work given your current circumstances, and that you need more time to heal. Then go and do just that. Honestly, you're setting yourself up for a whole pile of grieving and messiness otherwise.

[bluecastle]

OP, I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. But, real talk? You got into something that had disaster written all over it. I'd take a minute, or a few minutes, to process that for a bit. And I'd do it on your own, after cutting this thing off.

 

I think your heartbreak from 10 months ago is still very much in your bones. When that's the case, we often make some dubious romantic choices. We gravitate toward the messy when our hearts are still a little messy. We're kind of using messy as a cleansing agent, but that doesn't work. Rub dirt on dirt, and what do you get? More mess.

 

In other words, the very stuff that was initially "fun" about this—being able to talk about all this messy stuff, being able to listen to her mess, being able to feel that you were each the other's agent for freshness—is now not so fun. Because it didn't magically get cleaned up. It got messier.

 

Take nutborwnhare's advice. It's spot on.