Too soon to date?

Following my break up 5 weeks ago I’ve had an offer of a date. I know I am not over my ex and it will take a long time to get over him.

Is it too soon to accept a date? Is it a good thing to do to help the healing process? I don’t want to lead anyone on but also don’t want to pass up an opportunity...

It you know you are not over your ex then yes it is a bad idea both for yourself and your date.

Assuming your date wants an actual “date” and not a booty call then it would be totally unfair to use them to heal.

If your date is looking for casual fun and you are open to that to get your ex out of your system so to speak then go for it.

In my case after a 20+ year marriage and probably not being 100% over her, dating again was the best tool to heal. I got back on the horse 4 months after breaking up and the first kiss with someone new was amazing.....Instantly all the pain and feelings from my marriage seemed a distant memory.

I would recommend dating again, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If after a few dates it feels too soon, then take more time.

That was my thinking Matt0050 but I am only 5 weeks post break up not 4 months.

Thornz - it’s difficult to know whether he is seeing it as casual, we’re just getting to know each other really so I guess you could say it’s not “serious” dating

Perhaps I’m not in the right frame of mind yet, just thinking it may help me get to a better place and boost my self esteem maybe

Yeah, if you just want to casually date, go out and have fun. Just let your date know that you just got over a relationship and you're not looking for anything heavy. You're just looking for a friend. And see how it goes. If it gets too heavy, then be honest and tell the guy.

EDIT: I just read your response and I take back most of it. But you might want to go out on one date with the guy just to get out and boost your ego.

That was my thinking Matt0050 but I am only 5 weeks post break up not 4 months.

 

Thornz - it’s difficult to know whether he is seeing it as casual, we’re just getting to know each other really so I guess you could say it’s not “serious” dating

 

Perhaps I’m not in the right frame of mind yet, just thinking it may help me get to a better place and boost my self esteem maybe

The beauty of self esteem is it comes from yourself. An ego boost from a date could all too easily be wiped out by a rejection, particularly if you are feeling vulnerable after your breakup. Invest time and energy in yourself to bolster your self esteem. Do things you love, spend time with your favourite people, focus on your health and quality food.

If you’re just looking for a good old flirt then you don’t even need to date for that, you can flirt at the checkout or wherever takes your fancy for a mood boost!

I think people will tell you their intentions whether they intend to or not, if you’re not so good at picking up on those tells you could always ask indirectly what they are looking for? Please don’t make the mistake of going for a fling for a short term boost if you’re not good with that kind of “relationship” as it will do more harm than good in the long term.

I think if you’re used to having company it’s lonely when a relationship ends. It’s ok to feel that and it’s ok to want to do something about it. If you’re not sure you’re ready then take a relaxed approach and have fun 😉

The beauty of self esteem is it comes from yourself. An ego boost from a date could all too easily be wiped out by a rejection, particularly if you are feeling vulnerable after your breakup. Invest time and energy in yourself to bolster your self esteem. Do things you love, spend time with your favourite people, focus on your health and quality food.

 

If you’re just looking for a good old flirt then you don’t even need to date for that, you can flirt at the checkout or wherever takes your fancy for a mood boost!

 

I think people will tell you their intentions whether they intend to or not, if you’re not so good at picking up on those tells you could always ask indirectly what they are looking for? Please don’t make the mistake of going for a fling for a short term boost if you’re not good with that kind of “relationship” as it will do more harm than good in the long term.

 

I think if you’re used to having company it’s lonely when a relationship ends. It’s ok to feel that and it’s ok to want to do something about it. If you’re not sure you’re ready then take a relaxed approach and have fun 😉

This has post has good merit also.... In the 4 months I lost 40kg, made new friends, lost some bad habits, took up some old passions eg... Horse riding, changed my mindset from having a victim mentality and started enjoying life as a single person. I decided to be the best man I could for the woman I would eventually spend the rest of my life with.

Me personally if you still like someone else I’d give yourself more time to resolve those feelings because if you end up liking this new person he’s going to end up being a rebound

I think you should go out with existing friends.

I think its not right to lead someone on.

Please wait a little while.

If you're healing, you shouldn't be dating. As others have noted, rejection has the potential to set you back, but it is also equally complicated if you end up liking your date! Don't get caught in an ambiguous situation to distract yourself from the pain. You will likely be good to get back on the saddle in a few months time.

Did you end up meeting up with your ex?

Thanks for all the advice. I’ve taken it on board and I thinking about it, it’s probably not wise to go on a date just yet. If I end up being rejected I will feel awful and if I have to reject him I will feel equally as awful! I’m not very good at casual. Probably safer to concentrate on my career and start back at the gym!

Yes I did meet up with him, almost two weeks ago now. I didn’t get any answers but he didn’t know himself. I feel fine about meeting him but I’m still on a bit of a rollercoaster with my emotions. It’s crazy!! One day I’m perfectly fine, then I could be angry and then sad.

As long as you are sincere and mention you are not looking for anything serious (but do not talk about your ex/relationships) it's fine to start getting out there.

Why have you fixed this in stone? How do you know?:

it will take a long time to get over him.

This won't be a popular opinion. Worked for me though, all my life. 'Best way to get over one man is get under another'. Not literally of course. What's the harm in going on a date? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Sometimes a decent human and intimate connection's worth 100 expensive therapy sessions.

Wiseman - I guess I just think it will take me a long time because I haven’t been as deeply in love with anyone for a long time, if ever.

Metaltwin - that’s why I’m toying with the idea! Can you ever really get over someone if you lock yourself away. BUT I am very aware of the short amount of time since the break up!

Go and have fun. The self imposed prison will last as long as you want it to. Only you, not your ex, a new date, etc can free you from it.

I guess I just think it will take me a long time because I haven’t been as deeply in love with anyone for a long time, if ever.

Can you ever really get over someone if you lock yourself away.

I think dating is fine just be very clear up front about your expectations. It definitely helped me knowing I had other people attracted to me.

Regardless of where we are in life—5 weeks out, 5 years out—dating is a total crapshoot. All this talk about waiting until we're ready, being clear up front with expectations/intentions—good stuff to be aware of, sure, but you also kind of have to just go out there and see what happens. Sometimes you don't know what you want or what you're ready for until you meet a person.

I went on a date 2 weeks after my last relationship ended. I more or less knew I wasn't "ready" but it was nice to talk to someone new, remember that connection is possible. I ended up letting her know after that I wasn't ready—because the date really confirmed that itch. No hard feelings—the stakes aren't really high for one date—and we stayed friendly.

I guess my point is: there's no harm in going on a date.

'I guess my point is: there's no harm in going on a date'

Completely agree.