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Thread: Having Expectations and Dissapointment

  1. #21
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by journeynow
    Is it a specific person? My mother-in-law, who I love dearly, would buy me things in a color I do not like and look awful in, but is her favorite color. Or styles that did not flatter me. My father did this also. The first few times I felt a bit disappointed that they didn't remember my preferred colors or notice my style, but after a couple times I just shrugged it off, and felt the intent behind the gift was one of generosity and care. My options were to either keep and wear, return, or pass the new item on to someone else by donating to my favorite charity shop. It was a win-win if they enjoyed the gift-giving (I think they did) and someone else enjoyed the item, and I was a conduit connecting them. It's not like my happiness rested on them "getting me" just right with the perfect gift.
    The tone of gratitude is lovely!

    Gift giving is a skill that some of us perform better than others.

  2. #22
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    I think itís a control thing. For what itís worth, I can be prone to this myself. You are probably a bit of a perfectionist and like things the way you like them.

    Life - and other people - are little more than organized chaos. Lol! You canít control them. They are going to go rogue and do what they do.

    As others have said - if you want a blue dress, go buy yourself a blue dress. If you want vanilla ice cream - go buy yourself some. This is where the expectations thing comes in. You canít expect others to do things as you would do. Itís chaos. Expect it. Embrace it. Appreciate it.

    Once you accept that - unless you do something yourself, itís probably going to be completely different than you thought - you actually live a happier life. At that point, itís much easier to go with the flow and appreciate whatever someone does for you.

    Iím pretty sure itís a control thing.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Whenever someone does something nice for me, I recognize that there are plenty of people who have nobody who ever thinks of them at all. My gratitude for any gesture of care in my direction helps me to fully appreciate how lucky I am.

    It's never about the what, it's about the who.

    Whether someone got a better deal on what they've given to me, or whether they know that I usually fly right, so they're turning me on to trying left--whatever the deal is, I'm touched by the thoughtfulness and effort that went into giving me anything at all.

    This means that I am never disappointed, and I'm blessed to be able to say that.

    Gratitude is a gift we give to our Selves.

  4. #24
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    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    Just to clarify when someone just buys me or does something for me or suggests we do something I am appreciative and flexible.

    What I meant was when I am specific about what I want and they do the opposite. I still appreciate it but am disappointed. RedDress...maybe it's a control thing.

    I don't know if anyone has read the Five love languages...I think it's similar to that... a person can think they are showing you love (in the way they know) but if that's not your love language you are never going to feel loved.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Di_ya2009
    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    Just to clarify when someone just buys me or does something for me or suggests we do something I am appreciative and flexible. Yes

    What I meant was when I am specific about what I want and they do the opposite. I still appreciate it but am disappointed. RedDress...maybe it's a control thing.

    I don't know if anyone has read the Five love languages...I think it's similar to that... a person can think they are showing you love (in the way they know) but if that's not your love language you are never going to feel loved.
    Itís not a love language issue at all because loving is giving. So if you expect someone else to get you the specific gift you want or you will be disappointed and choose to react to it (rather than self talk and work on your issue of how you expect the person to get you the precise gift you aksss for) then that is just an issue you have in your ability to have what I would personally consider appropriate adult expectations. Now if the person did this intentionally to hurt you thatís another matter but if they were well meaning and messed up then your reaction is not a caring reaction. I reacted to my then boyfriendís Valentineís Day gift like that and I shouldnít have. I took it personally that he thought I would want what he selected. It was wrong on my part. I was in my 20s at the time and was upset that he thought. Iwoidk lork a huge box of chocolates and polyester lingerie.
    Please donít try to label immature behavior with fancy trendy ďlove languagesĒ.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Di_ya2009
    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    Just to clarify when someone just buys me or does something for me or suggests we do something I am appreciative and flexible.

    What I meant was when I am specific about what I want and they do the opposite. I still appreciate it but am disappointed. RedDress...maybe it's a control thing.

    I don't know if anyone has read the Five love languages...I think it's similar to that... a person can think they are showing you love (in the way they know) but if that's not your love language you are never going to feel loved.
    Love languages are about the give and take aspects of exchanging/showing love.

    You bringing them into this makes me think this is mostly a control issue for you.

    It sounds like you want to have complete control over how a person shows you their love. It comes off in a way that if the individual doesn't deliver love the exact way you want you think it doesn't count.

    You are entitled to desire what ever kind of relationship you would like, however imbalanced it might be.

    But if no one is buying what you are selling then you are SOL.

    Love language is not about dictating how someone shows you love. It is about understanding the dynamic exchange of love in a relationship, the back and forth.

    It seems like you want to hijack the concept as a form of control over how someone shows you love. A big part of LLs is that you only have control over yourself and how you give love, and you need to find someone who reciprocates love in a way you appreciate.

    But I would imagine if you wanted better advice you would give something other than the most ambiguous of examples.

    To me, this does seem all about you wanting control. You even are trying to control this board by limiting relevant information to essentially nothing, in an attempt to have us tell you want you want to hear. (seemingly)

    Rarely are we asked advice with no information pertinent to the subject.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thealchemist
    Love language is not about dictating how someone shows you love. It is about understanding the dynamic exchange of love in a relationship, the back and forth.

    It seems like you want to hijack the concept as a form of control over how someone shows you love. A big part of LLs is that you only have control over yourself and how you give love, and you need to find someone who reciprocates love in a way you appreciate.
    Thank you.

    This is one of my biggest pet peeves when people extrapolate the concept into some responsibility of their partner to then learn to speak their "love language." While I'm not a fan of any of those relatively hard-defined concepts, any utility I've come to understand from the concept of LLs is being able to understand and subsequently appreciate whatever "language" your partner uses. And, if you can't, or if you can understand it but still can't appreciate it, you should leave to find someone who's more compatible in that regard.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Di_ya2009
    People always say donít have expectations and I donít know if I agree with that statement.
    If you tell someone you like the colour blue on a dress and they go out and get a pink dressÖhow do you expect that person to not be disappointed?
    I know people might say:
    Just be happy they got you a dress, why be so ungrateful. But you specifically said you like the blue dress. But I just donít get itÖ

    I would personally go out of my way to find a blue dress.

    I guess my questions is how do you be grateful in that circumstance?
    I think being grateful like being positive or negative comes with practice, it starts with acceptance and then realizing that you are blessed that you received love from some body.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Di_ya2009
    What I meant was when I am specific about what I want and they do the opposite. I still appreciate it but am disappointed. ...maybe it's a control thing.
    Yes, it's a control thing, and one you are gnawing like a bone. THAT is why you are disappointed.

    You keep rephrasing the same thing as though we don't understand the question. We get it. We can also see that it's your choice to make yourself disappointed.

  11. #30
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    Yes it's like love languages. If your love language is touch, and you go up and give someone a big bear hug, and they give you a mild squeeze back, you are going to be disappointed because you didn't realize beforehand that you might not share the same language. If you continue to try and give them bear hugs and only get light squeezes in return, you are going to keep being disappointed until you realize that they show their love in other ways. You decide to either appreciate the way that they can show it, or decide that your languages are too incompatible and you need someone who can return the bear hug with the same amount of enthusiasm.

    These people don't care as much about dress color as you do. Unless you are directly sending them on a mission that day to get you a specific kind of dress, and make that clear, you are going to get what you get - the dress they thought you would look good in.

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