Hiding behind honesty?

Don’t know if I put this in the right section, but here goes.

What do you think of people who say things like “You’ve gained weight”, “You need to dress better”, “You need to start using makeup”, “If she’s wearing a short skirt she wants attention so she should not complain when she gets it(catcalling)” etc, Even if you don’t know them that well?

I’ve been having body issues my whole life and just now started to work on them. So I have had a couple of people in my life recently who just plain stated “You’ve gained weight” (funny enough, I’ve lost weight, but not the point). I don’t understand why they do this, even if it was to say that I’ve lost weight. What do they get out of it?

So I was talking to a very close person of mine and he actually agreed on the “honesty” of such statements. “Well if they’re true, then it’s your problem you get all emotional about it”.

I know it’s mostly my problem to deal with and one can not know what kind of issues another has, just to be clear. Yet, I find that people who make such pointless statements are part of the problem. He said that they are not and it’s completely fine to make statements like that even if you know that it might affect someone in a negative way, it’s not their problem it’s the receiver’s problem.

So what do you think, are people like that part of the problem?

Unfortunately, this person is not your friend. Confiding in someone who enjoys adding insult to injury is evidence of that.

I was talking to a very close person of mine and he actually agreed on the “honesty” of such statements. “Well if they’re true, then it’s your problem you get all emotional about it”.

I disagree with your friend.

In my opinion, you're a massive jerk if you don't think you need to take any consideration to how the receiver will take to your comments. I could never imagine saying to someone that they've gained weight or that they need start using make up. Seems rude to me.

Too many people hide behind "telling it like it is", when they are actually just horrible people.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/very-honest-woman-actually-just-horrible-20160223106500

Unfortunately, this person is not your friend. Confiding in someone who enjoys adding insult to injury is evidence of that.

Thank you! You are completely right. I wanted to add to my initial post but deleted it, that I want to stop talking to him as we always get into these kind of fights. Our values in life are completely opposite, I don’t know how this happened as the person I’m referring to is my brother. It’s so hard. I know I can’t change his mind, but we used to be so close. I love him dearly, but he has become toxic to me. At least this explains some of my issues, but still I’d prefer a loving brother. I’ve tried to keep communication to the minimum, but I keep relapsing in hope he’ll change? This time i was sure he’d agree with me (he can’t be that mean?!) but he is that mean. I’m even thinking of telling him that his attitude will push people away as you understand, this isn’t the first time he’s expressed his views.

Now I’m thinking I should’ve put this in the family section, but I would still like to see other people’s opinions about the general question, are they part of the problem?

I disagree with your friend.

 

In my opinion, you're a massive jerk if you don't think you need to take any consideration to how the receiver will take to your comments. I could never imagine saying to someone that they've gained weight or that they need start using make up. Seems rude to me.

 

Too many people hide behind "telling it like it is", when they are actually just horrible people.

 

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/very-honest-woman-actually-just-horrible-20160223106500

Yes! Just like the article!

Like, ok, if I ask for your opinion and you tell it like it is, I’d probably appreciate it, but who the H gives you the liberty to go around bashing people about whatever? What the H makes you the perfect person? Some of those types take it further and claim that because they are not perfect, that makes them even more righteous. AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

I agree with everyone. It's rude and a jerk thing to do.

A good chunk of my extended family is like that. They even do it to children. I have clear memories of some them making jerk comments when I was young, ( they still do it now but I minimize contact) and when I protested, they'd tell me to stop being such a suck. Some of them cross the line to abusive sorts. Luckily my parents and sibling were not like that. My parents nets were considerate kind people who didn't put up with that kind of thing.

"just being honest" is not a free pass... people who say it - be even MORE honest and say "just being lazy"

ALWAYS ask yourself "is this constructive?" If it isn't, stuff it and listen. !

I agree with everyone. It's rude and a jerk thing to do.

 

A good chunk of my extended family is like that. They even do it to children. I have clear memories of some them making jerk comments when I was young, ( they still do it now but I minimize contact) and when I protested, they'd tell me to stop being such a suck. Some of them cross the line to abusive sorts. Luckily my parents and sibling were not like that. My parents nets were considerate kind people who didn't put up with that kind of thing.

That's exactly my childhood, you're lucky your parents and siblings weren't like that. I understand that that is where my insecureness comes from and it's devastating that even with a diagnosed disorder my brother won't understand his damaging thought process and actions.

"just being honest" is not a free pass... people who say it - be even MORE honest and say "just being lazy"

 

ALWAYS ask yourself "is this constructive?" If it isn't, stuff it and listen. !

Amen to that ! Every time I hear "I'm just being honest" or "I'm looking out for you/Doing this for your own good" I get frustrated with their hypocrisy, yet I never reply the way they deserved to be shut down. I always think of perfect responses after I basically validate their statement by agreeing or disagreeing with their pointless observation. I hate it. I'm building myself up to replying like " I would rather not talk about that, let's talk about this or something".

A funny response would be, "unless you're offering a free liposuction,I don't find meaning in your remark". Or did you weigh everyone in this room? Were they ok or do they need to lose/gain weight?"

Frustrating!

There are two kinds of feedback: negative and positive. The kind you received was negative and not constructive. Sure be honest, but don't be a douche about it.

I have a couple senarios that compare to your situation. One involves my father, which I will reference as a negative comment. He said I had too much extra weight and didn't look toned. He persistantly told me I needed to work out and would use shaming words. To give some background at the time, I was at a healthy low weight for my height and considered attractive by other people, just not very toned. I was active on and off (sports, clubs, sometimes independent workouts).

The other situation involves my brother. He never said anything about my weight or how my body looked, but asked me to come workout with him; that it would be fun. I did find it more fun this way, rather than feel I was not looking good enough and under pressure. After that I got into a couple of relationships, which boosted my confidence with their positive feedback about my looks. My current bf's active lifestyle has also served as a role model for me to maintain a regular workout routine and I've been consistent for years now. These all served as positive feedback for me. My father then told me I look fit and lost weight, when in fact I increased weight due to muscle gain.

The lesson I learned was it's all about your approach in giving any feedback to someone, if you are going to try to positively influence someone. Positive compliments, constructive feedback (not negative), inviting situations, and leading by example towards a positive change in a person's life can be great influences. Forcing or shaming someone serves no purpose and does more damage than good.

In the end, these people are doing damage with their negative comments and have no place talking that way to you. This type of stuff is all about the approach and they are doing it all wrong. I would stop listening and shut down the conversation with a firm tone, possibly leaving if it doesn't stop. Some say making a suggestion to a person is bad, although not all of them are, only if they have a negative approach. They can serve as a good influence when you do it in a positive way, which I am all for as long as the person is receptive to it!

When telling someone something, there are 3 things to ask yourself: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If it's not all 3, then the rule is, just don't.

This person is hiding behind the "but it's honest" b.s. I broke up with someone once who did this. Every time he'd walk into my house, he'd find something wrong. But it's the truth! I was like, yeah, and the truth is, I want you out of my life.

For me, I approach it from a couple angles. As a general life rule: don't be an ***hole. That's pretty core in my code of conduct, particularly when it comes to uninvited and unnecessary input. Unless you're posing a physical risk to yourself or someone else, I'm pretty damn big on letting people do their own thing without subjecting them to my take on it if I haven't been asked.

But if someone is crassly slinging "truth" for the sake of it, it's good to strive to harden your skin and to either accept whatever it is they're chiming in about where there'd be no cause for offense, or actively work to change and take pride in your progress if the source of the offense is shame or regret over what they've brought up. Again, that's not to say there shouldn't be an onus on people to be respectful and to reconsider unsolicited and, ultimately, inconsequential criticisms, but those people will always exist.

A lot of cultures and families also very heavily compartmentalize someone as a person apart from their clothing, body fat, etc., and it's sort of a double-edged sword where, as odd as it may sound, I actually consider it kinda positive (though, again, not to the extent I'd consider it a best social practice) as it's more likely that these types don't associate my identity as j.man with having gained a few extra pounds, and that being their reason to not inherently understand why I'd take it personally. Meanwhile, someone who would consciously tiptoe around it likely enough would. I do often think that a stigma silently floating about can inspire offense just as much as direct commentary.

That's not so much an excuse of the behavior you're describing, but a slightly more optimistic and less personal take on why some may be more... forthcoming. May help or may not.

What do you think of people who say things like “You’ve gained weight”, “You need to dress better”, “You need to start using makeup”, “If she’s wearing a short skirt she wants attention so she should not complain when she gets it(catcalling)” etc, Even if you don’t know them that well?

"You've gained weight" could be factually honest, but it's pointless. What does he want, a prize for being perceptive? The other statements are not honest at all; they're simply personal judgments. Honest versions of those would be like "I think you should dress better" or "I think you should use makeup". The person who only says "You need to ..." is not an honest person. He's a jerk and moreover a coward for not taking responsibility for his own personal opinions. If he values honesty he must hate himself.

Yes it's the people in your life that are part of the problem. They are critical, judgemental jerks! Unless you specifically asked them for their opinions, they shouldn't be giving them and making you feel bad...what kind of friends are those??

Before you diagnose yourself as depressed or low self esteem, make sure in fact that you're not surrounded by a-holes.

When telling someone something, there are 3 things to ask yourself: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? .

That's a good guideline to follow. Personally, I omit the third one (unless the time is not appropriate). My comments are almost always true and kind, more like compliments. I hate negative comments. We all have close people who always have something negative to say. I stay away from these people as much as I can.

Thank you for all the responses and tips! It's good to know that you too find that behavior pointless and rude to say the least!

@yatsue Your examples are spot on!

@LHgirl Indeed great guideline and good riddance to that ex!

@j.man I have an eating disorder because I grew up in a family that always made those sorts of comments and paid way too much attention on the weight of a person. It's kinda like who came first, the egg or the chicken thing, so this is why I'm talking about this in the first place. Sure I need to "harden" my skin, but I would also love to start educating people to stop making unnecessary comments like that. The idea behind your concept about taking pride in progress etc, is noble and seems reasonable, but I'm not the type of person who would start losing weight just because someone commented negatively about it. I don't think there are many people who would. I'm sure that people who've struggled with their weight for years know the feeling. If I was always skinny and just gained a couple of pounds, sure maybe it would work, but I don't think it works for people like me. My problem is obviously deeper as, I'm assuming, most people with years of weight problems are. No one comment can motivate you that much, that's why I find these pointless.

Just to note, I'm not obese, I'm just talking about 15-20 extra pounds.

@mfan Spot on! I actually had another comment on my weight after this post (hadn't seen him in months)and asked him "what did you gain by this comment? Is it helping me? what's the point?" I had 2 other people back me up on that and I proceeded to explain that it's useless. Sure, he's a friend of mine and he really didn't mean to be rude or anything, it's just something they do in the country I live in and it has to stop.

@SherrySher I agree. Fortunately, my close friends have never commented on my weight. The person I was referring too who agreed that the practice of commenting on people's weight as an honest fact is my brother. Now that's a problem. I honestly don't want to talk to him anymore about anything, maybe just the basic how are you n stuff. I can't communicate with him anymore, but as I said, that's a different subject, it just triggered my whole post.

@dias That's nice to hear! Just be careful of commenting on a person who has also lost weight. It's again, pointless. My rule is to only comment on someone's weight if they ask my opinion. Same day I received a comment on my gain, the same guy that made it commented on the weight loss of a mutual friend. It's the same thing, pointless. It was also rude and negative because he said that she lost too much weight (!?). Like wth man?Are you the weight judge of everyone? Did you weigh the rest of the people and they passed?

I decided to either reply as I described above, or just not reply at all to comments like these, looking deep into their eyes with a blank face lol! I'm just glad you guys agree!

Thanks again! Means a lot!