Is it okay to want to go work somewhere else (at least for a while)?

Hi... haven't written in a really long while. Hope you all are well! Our family is percolating along but I have an item I've been pondering. Background:

25 years together, our work and home lives have shifted multiple times. I traveled for work and took care of the home, he ran a local business. He traveled for work, I ran a business and took care of the home. Most recently, he quit his job so I shuttered my consultancy and went back on the road for work (and health insurance), but now that we're in our 50s I don't have the energy I did in my 30s so I expect more support in a relationship (is that wrong)?

When I am in the home office I have meetings - usually conference calls, remote work, and things that require silence for concentration (my job involves lots of maths) or good meeting participation. I have repeatedly requested the office for myself, I warn him when I have a heavy meeting schedule, even to the point where I ask him in the evenings what his plan is for the next day and let him know I shouldn't be disturbed in the office. He comes in constantly. When he begins to watch sports videos or have phone conversations at his desk on the opposite side of the room, I ask him to please honey put the headphones on or take the phone call outside. > Last week I was having a VERY sensitive conversation with my boss and needed concentration and he came in through closed door to ask me for some car keys (despite my outward-lifted palm signaling DND). Mid-phrase, I had to ignore him and clamp onto my headset. I could feel his anger while he exited but he must have remembered we had extra keys for all vehicles because I didn't hear anything more.

What I am trying to convey here is not one trivial event but a repeated disregard for my need for quiet and privacy when I'm working. I open the office door when I'm not on calls, and communicate available/unavailable. I even let him know my schedule in advance. When I want to interrupt him, I flag/wave or ask permission, are you busy, etc.

That day last week, I was so stressed from a lot of the day's and previous week's events I went and grabbed a duffel and put some exercise clothes and pajamas in it along with my laptop. I booked a 2 hour spa massage and a nearby hotel to get some quiet rest (I first left hubby a voice mail where I was and what I was up to and told him I would be home after exercise in the a.m.) I'm not ready to talk to him about this yet because I need to process, I love him and want to approach this in a kind and sensitive way.

In the past I have suggested converting our guest room into a second office and "splitting up our desks," but he is using the guest room as a storage facility and doesn't want to give it up. (It's also why we can't get anyone to come in to clean, haha). I have floated the idea of moving one desk to the dining room or living room, and enclosing the living room. He didn't like that idea either.

I started researching rentals this week and man they are expensive. We have two other properties but they aren't in the same city and while I don't want to leave my husband I swear if I don't get some relief I'm going to spend all my "home office" time in a hotel until I can figure this out.

Please eNotAlone peeps, what say ye?

I got really tired of working at home -- so I do an office share situation -- have you looked into those? In mine we share a room and kitchenette and some lounge areas, but there are others that would work better for you with offices with doors, etc.

Why dont you lock the office door when you are in the room and dont want to be disturbed? Make sure he's got his car keys and any other essential he may want/need first. As for the spare room how about you clean it up and use it? Too much stuff? Move it to one side of that room to create some space for your desk.

Or find one of those sharing offices where you rent the space for an hour or so at a time?

My husband and I share our home office without problems. If one is on the phone the other is quiet or leaves the room.

The two of you need to sit down and find a solution to the problem.

First, define the problem: your work is ramping up, and requires you to have a place where you can conduct conferences/conference calls uninterrupted, and a place where you can dedicate a deep focus to the task at hand .

Sharing office space is not working. Your work needs are conflicting with his needs.

Possible solutions:

1. Move his desk into the spare room, and dedicate that as an office for him.

2. Move your desk into the spare room and dedicate that as an office for you.

3. Rent an office for you.

4. I like the idea of an office share. I have seen arrangements where a group of professionals share rent for offices. For example, counselors who may not have a full time practice may choose to office share (one gets it on Mondays, another on Tuesdays, etc.). Or a situation more like arjumand described.

Sit down with your husband and find the best solution together. No finger pointing, just finding a workable solution for the problem at hand.

This technique he's using is called undermining. It's a form of power and control. So is refusing to compromise or cooperate. So is monopolizing all the space in the house. Stop all the discussions, he's doing this on purpose...and you know that. You need to circumvent the passive-aggressive behavior and do whatever you need to do. If that means clearing out a room for yourself, installing a lock, staying in one of your other properties or going to the local library and reserving a quiet room. He will not cooperate with anything....because he doesn't want to. He wants you to be frustrated, flustered, annoyed and upset because it makes him feel in control of things. All this only represents the tip of the iceberg, as you know. There are several books on mental abuse and subtly controlling people you should start reading. It will put into focus what's really going on here.

Hang a sign on the door and lock it.

he is using the guest room as a storage facility and doesn't want to give it up. (It's also why we can't get anyone to come in to clean, haha).

You can get cleaning help for the rest of the home. Just inform them that one room is off limits, close that door and leave a note on it. However, maybe instead of incurring the expense of outside office space you could rent some outside storage space instead?

I'd negotiate with husband to find out what it would take for me to bribe him into letting me take the 'storage' room as my office and guest room. I'd research storage options for other parts of the home and for a small storage unit, and I'd offer to pay for this storage in addition to giving him something else of value to him.

If he won't cooperate, I'd look into other outside means to an office. There's nothing 'wrong' with that, although I wouldn't let go of ways to sweeten the deal for husband's cooperation. I'd try to learn whether the core issue isn't about space but rather him 'acting out' to distract you because he resents something about your attention to your work. Maybe there's a way of sweetening an address of that.

I can relate to an extent. I also need quiet/concentration for my work but not as much as you do. I've been mostly teleworking for almost 2 years but when my husband and I were dating we also worked from home at each other's places. I find him supportive and at the same time we both mess up at times and chat/talk to each other not realizing the other one is intensely focused (because our computers are always at our desks. I also can relate because he uses quite a bit of our small space as "storage" to put it um politely. It's frustrating. But yes we do have a cleaning service twice a month. He puts a sign on the area of our bedroom that cannot be disturbed and puts his other crap I mean things in a closet so that the cleaners can vacuum there. It works pretty well.

I also get the whole comforts of home thing.

Here is what I would do as I don't think communication is going to be that effective to reach a good long term compromise.

Can you go to a coffee shop for part of this? Or I would do the share space at an office -we seem to have a lot of that springing up in our city.

Or can you work with noise cancelling headphones on?

The main point of my post is empathy. I get it. And i think others have given you good solutionss.

Why do you need to sit home when there are sooo many cheap office solutions out there? Executive suites, office sharing spaces, work spaces, office rooms for rent as needed, local libraries have quiet rooms you can reserve for free even, etc, etc, etc. There is literally no need for you to be dealing with this stress at home and all the interruptions.

I also agree with Wiseman that your husband is acting out in a passive aggressive manner and pushing your buttons intentionally to assert control and to frustrate you. He is not open to compromise and refuses to accommodate your very reasonable requests and communication about needing space and privacy because he doesn't want to for whatever reason. You have deeper issues than just needing privacy and quiet for work. Still, removing yourself from the house and finding a good working space will go a long way toward alleviating at least that part of the problem immediately. Still.....you need to deal with your husband's passive aggressive issues because he'll just find other ways to undermine you and frustrate you once you are home. Maybe time to grab the bull by the horns and confront him straight up about what his problem is.

Thank you all so much! I am out on the road now but will be sitting down with the husband shortly to explorer options. Before I do so, however, I will research the local shared office options. Happy weekend!