I had a panic attack, can't see anything good out of this

I had my first panic attack this morning. It was the worst feeling in this world. I felt like I had no control over myself and that I going to die anytime. I have had depression when I was a teen and I have really bad anxiety, which consumes me almost everyday.

I hate admitting this, but I have to consider myself a drug user. I party almost every weekend and take a lot of drugs. And honestly, that was my escape for a long time. When I was there dancing I thought about nothing and felt happy after. But for the past few months my anxiety took over and I started feeling anxious ate these parties and it hasn't stopped every since. My mind is always at full speed no matter what time of the day and I can't take it anymore, these endless thoughts, thinking over and over and over again about the same damn thing.

I have been single for 2 years, and then I met a guy who was amazing. He was just, perfect, in his own imperfections. We hit off and he was (and is) the most special guy I've in my life BY FAR. So last weekend we were sleeping and he woke up and started freaking out saying someone told him that I was actually in love with another guy but just waiting for this guy to come after him so I could ditch him. I started confronting him about this and I showed him my phone and he typed the guys' name (let's call him J) and found messages that talked about him. These messages however, were talking about J in a negative way, never had I said that I wanted him, I tried to explain to him but he wouldn't listen and left saying it was over. The next day he went on a business trip, I waited 5 days and I contacted him again (I was missing him so much that it physically hurt). I was hoping he would say he had changed his mind or that he missed me, but instead he said he felt sorry this happened between us, that he was putting a lot of effort (he really was and so was I) but I was still "confused" about him and J. I cried, I tried to explain, but it was done. Our perfect relationship was destroyed.

I did tell him that I was in love for this guy for a long time, but the moment I met my now ex boyfriend it was like for the first time this guy didn't make a difference. I was so happy and in love. After 2 years being single after an emotional abusive relationship, I was ready. Completely ready to have this guy for the rest of my life. I have suffered so much because every single person I loved has left me, it was never the other way around.

And now, he left me too, saying there is no going back, that he's hurt and that he doesn't love me anymore. It hurt like hell asking him if he loves me and he said no. I seriously do not get how such love can end from one day to another. Even his mom kept texting me, asking if we got back, telling me to come to her house and talk to him, my friends and his friend were cheering for us and nothing changed his mind.

My life has lost its color, my soul hurts, I have never experienced such pain. I can't help but think this amazing guy will never be with me again and I just lost someone. All of this combined to the fact that I have never had a person in my life who has stayed, combined to my anxieties, my lack of perspective for the future (

I have been self medicating, taking sleeping pills, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've lost 6 pounds only this week, I am letting go of myself and I honestly have no courage anymore to get up and move on once again. I can't seem to find a meaning in this, and I just don't have the urge to live anymore. How many times will I get my heart broken until I meet "the one", I must say this was the most painful break up in my life. I'm completely lost and don't really care about myself anymore, I just exist

In this thread he doesn't sound so "perfect":

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547997

In fact, quite the opposite.

You are feeling lonely which is understandable, but this relationship is not the perfect one you are now saying it was. This guy was a major contributor to your anxiety, not the solution for it.

The one thing a lot of people don't know is, both drugs and alcohol can have a rebound affect and cause anxiety and anxiety disorders. You can google it if you want more information. Self medicating for this reason alone is why it's not good.

If you are suffering from anxiety, you need the proper kind of help and that is, counselling and prescription medication. Trust me, nothing else will work.

It also sounds as though you need an antidepressant. They can help lift this black cloud you are dealing with and as well, lessen the anxiety.

Please consider getting the proper kind of help with these two conditions, it doesn't need to be this difficult.

Your relationship was very unhealthy.

Seek treatment for your addictions. Drug abuse can also lead to mental illness. Deal with your issues.

Alcohol doesn’t help. I’m not to bad with my breakup after being together for 24 years but as soon as I drink alcohol I get very depressed and the depression lasts about 2 days when all I think about is him. I also ring him and text him when drunk, not good.

...Are you aware that drugs actually cause the anxiety and the constant running thoughts in your head and with chronic or long term use, the effect will continue eve when you are not high? Actually doesn't have to be chronic or long term, different people can be more quickly affected and more susceptible to the issues than others. You aren't self medicating, you are actually causing the problem. Please please seek medical help before you totally self destruct.

Some one wrote to me once, If it's love, it feels like love. It feels nurturing, safe and solid. It doesn't feel uncertain or unsafe or as though it's a competition. When I wrote that sentence I wrote at the end of it, "he doesn't love you". I realized I was writing that particular statement to myself - it felt good to realize that, when you get to that point you will feel good too. It is going to hurt because it sounds as if you feel like you tried really hard to change past behaviors in this relationship to make it work. I feel exactly the same over this heartbreak i am going through. I wasted time giving the best of me to someone that didn't deserve a second look from me relationship wise. However, I am beginning to realize that other people have to be healthy too and my guy may have been a bit of a narcissist. Keep your new found relationship skills and try try again! And work on your selection skills... Select the most emotionally healthy and available people there are!

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I certainly feel better this week and I want to stay away from drugs and alcohol and want to take care of myself only. Having a panic attack was so traumatizing I don't ever want to go through it again.

Also, I feel a lot better towards this break up. Yeah sometimes thinking about it hurts, but it hurts like a distant thing that happened a long time ago. After going through some bad relationships and thinking he was the one I have finally learned that if it hurts, it's not love. For some reason I just feel so happy that he's gone. Not because I didn't like him, but because on the moment I needed him the most, he turned his back on me.

I am usually a happy and cheery person I don't want to lose this over drugs and heartbreak. I will seek help because I don't want to feel anxious anymore, I just want peace of mind.