Am I overthinking with amazing new partner....?

I met a great guy.

He's respectful, shows me off, surprises me with random dates. He incorporates me into his life, his family, his hobbies. He makes it known we are together publicly in front of anyone, by grabbing me and stuff. He listens to me.

We have been dating exclusively for 2 months. Talking 3.

He tells me all the time he feels extremely lucky to have me. He's also very smart.

I feel like things are going great right now...

And then my self-sabotaging nature pops up.

Everything he does + says, adds up. He is consistent.

Yet I find myself looking for reasons not to trust him. I always feel like... it's going to end anyway. Whats the point.

I find myself building this wall... He's so nice to me. Always surprising me with amazing dates and making plans for us.

And I appreciate it, so much. But somehow, this thought pops in my head "what if he's doing it because he feels guilty?" of what, Idk.

He's been single for over a year. Him and the ex ended horribly, she used him. They don't speak anymore. He went through a bit of an fboy phase until he found me. I keep a lot of my stuff at his house. He buys things for the house for me because he knows I like them. But its been 2 months. He already said he loves me. I have NOT said it back and wont until I feel its true. I feel like... like maybe we are rushing things? We havent had sex, because I am a virgin. Sometimes I find myself thinking, what if that's all he wants? What if this is all some sort of challenge for him?

I was with my ex for one year and we ended horribly as well, 5 months ago. My ex and I don't speak anymore and I wanna keep things that way. It was a traumatic break up on both ends. IDK if this is a reason...

I don't want to lose this great guy... I like him more and more each day. How do I prevent this wall from forming? He's 28 and I'm 24.

2 months is way too fast for him to buy things for the house he knows you like (aside from if he is cooking for you and knows you like a certain topping on your food or certain drink - that's okay). You have only been dating eight weeks.

I do not think you are self sabotaging completely here. I would listen to myself and if you think things are moving too quickly, sllooow down.

He makes it known we are together publicly in front of anyone, by grabbing me and stuff.

what does this mean? Does he hang on you? Does he grab your rear end? If he is holding your hand, that's one thing, but if 8 weeks he keeps hanging on you and grabbing you - its almost like he is making sure other guys know he has "ownership" unless i am misiterpreting tings?

I am not sure whether you are building a wall or something inside you is just wanting you to listen and slow down a bit. I think that is what your conscience is telling you and you should listen to it. Just go slower and make sure you are also seeing your friends. 8 weeks is really fast for a guy to say I love you unless let's say you were friends for years first.

2 months is way too fast for him to buy things for the house he knows you like (aside from if he is cooking for you and knows you like a certain topping on your food or certain drink - that's okay). You have only been dating eight weeks.

 

I do not think you are self sabotaging completely here. I would listen to myself and if you think things are moving too quickly, sllooow down.

 

He makes it known we are together publicly in front of anyone, by grabbing me and stuff.

 

what does this mean? Does he hang on you? Does he grab your rear end? If he is holding your hand, that's one thing, but if 8 weeks he keeps hanging on you and grabbing you - its almost like he is making sure other guys know he has "ownership" unless i am misiterpreting tings?

 

I am not sure whether you are building a wall or something inside you is just wanting you to listen and slow down a bit. I think that is what your conscience is telling you and you should listen to it. Just go slower and make sure you are also seeing your friends. 8 weeks is really fast for a guy to say I love you unless let's say you were friends for years first.

Sorry I didnt specify but yes, he buys the food I like and alcohol I like and just keeps it around for when I come over. His mom does the same. His sister too. They give me cute small presents all the time.

He grabs my hand and hugs me and is basically just very boyfriend-like in front of literally everyone. Coworkers, family members, friends, etc... I'm shy so I usually back down from PDA. He actually doesnt grab my butt and stuff in public. But wont shut up about it in private.

I am taking it slow. I mention it even drop hints I dont wanna rush anything. But he playfully mentions that I am stuck with him, and that he will never let me go. That I keep him grounded and bring his drifting mind back to earth.

We've only known each other since the beginning of November last year so 3 moths about to be 4 moths in roughly a week. I am also not as physically into him as he is into me. The only problem I have with how he looks is his some of his teeth need fixing up. The rest I am into. The teeth are important to me tho...

This is moving too fast and you're gut is trying to tell you that.

He's moving at a pace that is uncomfortable for you. Also, him grabbing at you in public when he knows you're not big on PDA (I am assuming you've told him this, yes?) is invasive. To me, he sounds very insecure and worried that you will up and leave so he's doing what he can to "seal the deal", so to speak. The way he's going about it would irritate me to no end.

I don't mean that he's a bad guy or not into you, but I think you need to find your voice here and explain to him that you need to slow things down. He needs to knock it off with the "you are stuck with me!" jokes. Be serious and direct. Those jokes are masking his fears. To me, you're not self-sabotaging as much as trying to listen to your rational side and move at a more measured pace.

You've said all the nice things he does for you and how into you he is - but how do you truly feel about him? Independently of how he treats you, do you find yourself naturally interested in being with him?

I do think you are overthinking this and this is the part that is self-sabotaging. However, I do NOT think you are over feeling it. And both of these are connected.

Things are going too fast and that is what your gut is telling you. Your head is taking that and running all crazy with it. Why am I feeling this? Should this be happening? Is he just...? Does he want...? Am I too...? And all the myriad of questions that are going through your mind.

For him, he has fallen in love with this pretty young girl and is he just on cloud nine. He is in a very happy place and wants to spend time with you, do stuff for you, tell and show the world about you. And yes, people CAN fall in love after two months or even one month, just because you haven't yet doesn't mean you wont or that he is wrong to feel that way.

But it is going too fast, and you need to make it slow down. To do this, you need to talk to him. Note that I did not say drop him random hints in hope he gets you. Talk to him, with proper thought out words. And you need to be careful of the sentiment, or you may bring him crashing down.

But first, you must decide if this is what you want. This has the potential to be long term and could lead to marriage, kids, and all that horrible stuff most people think is the only way to succeed in life. If that is what you want, then you need to say the right thing.

'I'm really am liking where this is going and I am interested, but I feel like it is going a little too fast. Can we slow it down just a little, so I can catch up?'

The danger here is that he might feel like he is doing the wrong thing by feeling this way, or that you are not interested.

I’m more the type that wants to get married eventually but in no rush and travel the world with my babe not have children.

Has anyone ever like..: just gotten used to it? I don’t want him to think what he’s doing is wrong. He treats me so well

I’m more the type that wants to get married eventually but in no rush and travel the world with my babe not have children.

 

 

Has anyone ever like..: just gotten used to it? I don’t want him to think what he’s doing is wrong. He treats me so well

You tell him in such a way that this is more about you and you needing to honor your pace. If he takes that personally then he isn't very secure with himself.

Tell him that you appreciate everything about him and you are just as excited to see where this goes, but you move at a different pace and need things to slow down just a little bit so you can maintain your balance. Tell him you are feeling overwhelmed.

travel the world with my babe not have children.

This is moving too fast and you're gut is trying to tell you that.

I agree. Too much too soon.

I had a similar experience some years ago. I met a guy online. We really hit it off on the phone--talked for hours, for weeks. When we met, the plan was to grab coffee. But we ended up getting lunch and dinner, too. He took down his dating profile shortly thereafter, and I followed suit. He was extremely eager to introduce me to his friends and his parents--literally dropping in on them with no warning to me! I did have some misgivings, but things were going so well that they were easy to ignore. So, I ignored them.

Right around the two month mark, he started to unravel. He didn't become a lunatic or anything. He just started to become withdrawn. I couldn't get a straight answer from him about what was going on. But I eventually learned that he started to have all of this anger about his ex girlfriend, who had cheated on him and broken up with him 9 months before. It was a five-year relationship, and even though time had passed since they broke up, he was still not over the betrayal. It was crazy, because just a couple days before, we were laughing hysterically in his truck. Then it was an ice storm. Our relationship ended almost as suddenly as it began.

That was the first time something like that happened to me. But now I know that it's quite common. My advice to you is to listen to your gut. But I know how hard that is. I was past the point of no return myself, so the fall was pretty hard. But I made it through, and everything worked out.

I can relate, Jibaltra.

My ex was intense in the same way in the first few months. And then he settled into his true colours and they were quite different. OP, just be aware that people who come on strong rarely remain that way. That doesn't mean he's going to pull a 180 on you and disappear or go off the deep end, but what you're seeing now likely will recede in time.

Let's say he eases off and stops fawning all over you all the time. Will you still be as interested? I ask because I get the sense that you doubt your own interest in attraction to him, and are questioning whether it's him you like or the attention and validation he provides. I don't mean that as a shot at you either, to be clear. But sometimes we get caught up in the love-bombing more than anything else. Just something to think about.

Ok take your time and slow way down. At 2 mos in this is going way too fast. You should not have stuff in his house. Why is your stuff there? Go out on planned dates, not "random" dates or dates at his place. There are quite a few red flags besides too much too soon. He's on the rebound, he talks trash about and blames his ex. He tells (more correctly - warns)you he's a player. He's saying ILY but barely knows you. You are on the rebound and moving way to fast. Just slow down and you won't be "putting up walls" in order to put the brakes on this whirlwind.

We have been dating exclusively for 2 months. Him and the ex ended horribly, she used him. He already said he loves me.We havent had sex, because I am a virgin.

How do I bring it up? I honestly don’t know how to... like how do I start that conversation? He had been flirting with me since October and had actually asked me to be his girlfriend before and I said no because I needed time from my recent break up and I didn’t wanna rush into a relationship so soon. We agreed to take it slow but somewhere down that road the attraction was too much and we ended up basically getting together unofficially but exclusively

You see I have actually wandered so myself if he’s on the rebound but it sounds unlikely. He doesn’t talk about his ex often, he actually doesn’t talk trash about her at all. He says he doesn’t regret it because she taught him what to look out for. He has talked about how she hurt him but never called her names or anything. She cheated on him with another guy and also used him as a rebound from her ex. They only dated 3 months, and it was over a year ago.

I stay over on weekends at his place which is why I have my stuff there. We just play video games and watch movies and cook and cuddle honestly. We haven’t had sex btw. I’m a virgin and he said he’s willing to wait. Idk. Part of me wants to write it off as him being 28 and feeling like he has to settle but I also have to watch out for myself. We talked about both of us not wanting children until maybe our 40s-50s.

He said it’s extremely difficult to find someone like me, and he isn’t planning on letting me go. I’m wondering if this is just infatuation. Or just make-believe so he gets to hit it first. He also calls me pretty every chance he gets. I do like the attention, of course, who wouldn’t? It’s just a bit over bearing at times and I want him to tone it down.

This is because you are a warm body fill-in for his ex and a continuum of company/sex. Stop keeping your stuff there. Why is he never invited to your place? Why aren't you going on dates? Why just fill in where things left off with his ex?

He has talked about how she hurt him

I stay over on weekends at his place which is why I have my stuff there.

You see I have actually wandered so myself if he’s on the rebound but it sounds unlikely. He doesn’t talk about his ex often, he actually doesn’t talk trash about her at all. He says he doesn’t regret it because she taught him what to look out for. He has talked about how she hurt him but never called her names or anything. She cheated on him with another guy and also used him as a rebound from her ex. They only dated 3 months, and it was over a year ago.

He may not talk about his ex often, but he talks about her enough that you know their whole backstory and his feelings about it. Just be aware of that.

Sorry if it was misconstrued but he does take me on random dates. He also gets me a lot of random gifts. They range from cheap to pricey and they’re random on no special occasions.

I asked about the ex. I wanted us to have the exes talk and see how things ended for both our previous relationships. I ask and he answers.

Idk I’m just not getting rebound vibes from him at all and I’m usually good at telling. My gut is just a little hesitant to settle rn, but I trust him. He makes me happy though, super happy. Now I just need him to tone it down. He compliments me way too much and I never thought I’d be saying that. Too many compliments, too much fawning over me, and that’s what makes me feel like ... “ dude”.

Thank you everyone for the response

Maybe you are the one who is rebounding.

Random gifts/dates is not very meaningful. It just is what new dating is about. Also the fawning is infatuation that keeps both of you distracted from your previous breakups. Why are you camped out at his place every weekend and keeping stuff there?

He makes me happy though, super happy. Too many compliments, too much fawning over me, and that’s what makes me feel like

Random gifts/dates is not very meaningful. It just is what new dating is about. Also the fawning is infatuation that keeps both of you distracted from your previous breakups. Why are you camped out at his place every weekend and keeping stuff there?

So you’re saying there’s no way he can be serious about me? Because I honestly don’t get those vibes from him. He’s been consistent since day 1, and has helped me through some hardships. Also, when I first rejected him, he didn’t walk away. He still pursued, and just toned it down.

I’m the one that asked about the ex and the reason I know their story. They lasted 3 months and it’s been well over a year since they ended. He dated other women after her but not seriously.

He is super supportive of me and my goals and he helps me keep motivated to accomplish them. I seriously don’t believe he’s rebounding and I have no idea why you think he is, when he only mentioned the ex when I asked him about her.

Me on the other hand.... idk if this is a rebound for me anymore or not.

We talked about both of us not wanting children until maybe our 40s-50s.

Honey, as a woman in her 40s who would do anything to have a child - you will probably NOT have kids if you wait until then. If he tells you he wants to wait for kids until his 40s-50s -- he has no idea how things work unless he is going to go look for a woman in her 30s at that point. If you want to keep your virginity, stop with these "cuddle all night/spend the night" dates because something will happen.

Also, you have only been dating 2 months and you are already over there every weekend and his family is buying you gifts, too. You shouldn't even really know the family at this point. You are moving waaaaayy too fast. So fast that by the time you decide he is not for you, you will have trouble ending it because you are so involved.

So stop flopping at his house and go on real dates. THey don't have to be expensive. it could be free day at the museum, ice cream at the park -- you are acting like you have dated for a long time.

So you’re saying there’s no way he can be serious about me? Because I honestly don’t get those vibes from him. He’s been consistent since day 1, and has helped me through some hardships. Also, when I first rejected him, he didn’t walk away. He still pursued, and just toned it down.

 

I’m the one that asked about the ex and the reason I know their story. They lasted 3 months and it’s been well over a year since they ended. He dated other women after her but not seriously.

 

He is super supportive of me and my goals and he helps me keep motivated to accomplish them. I seriously don’t believe he’s rebounding and I have no idea why you think he is, when he only mentioned the ex when I asked him about her.

 

Me on the other hand.... idk if this is a rebound for me anymore or not.

So he had a "bad breakup" with a woman that he only dated for three months/12 weeks??? To me that's 'hey, we are not a match" not a 'serious breakup that wrecks someone"

He is inapprorpriately interested in you. He is too invested too soon -- that is a loud red flag -- lots of abusive men do that -- showering you with gifts, saying all the right things so early on and sucking you in. I am not saying that he necessarily is - but he has VERY poor boundaries. He is playing nice to get you in the sack. He doesn't 'seem like he is" but there is a difference in a man who appreciates chastity and wants marriage and babies and is willing to wait for that with a particular woman vs a man who doesn't want babies til his 50s and is dating someone who is a virgin. he has moved way too fast and so have you.

We talked about both of us not wanting children until maybe our 40s-50s.

 

Honey, as a woman in her 40s who would do anything to have a child - you will probably NOT have kids if you wait until then. If he tells you he wants to wait for kids until his 40s-50s -- he has no idea how things work unless he is going to go look for a woman in her 30s at that point. If you want to keep your virginity, stop with these "cuddle all night/spend the night" dates because something will happen.

 

Also, you have only been dating 2 months and you are already over there every weekend and his family is buying you gifts, too. You shouldn't even really know the family at this point. You are moving waaaaayy too fast. So fast that by the time you decide he is not for you, you will have trouble ending it because you are so involved.

 

So stop flopping at his house and go on real dates. THey don't have to be expensive. it could be free day at the museum, ice cream at the park -- you are acting like you have dated for a long time.

I was about to comment on the same point.

It would be great if Mother Nature kept our prime fertility window open that long, but OP, please do inform yourself on this. Your ability to conceive on your own will naturally be tapering off by the stage of your life. I am all for women and men waiting until they feel ready to start a family, but it's not as though you can just decide to have a baby in your 40s and 50s and expect Mother Nature to fully cooperate with your wishes. Something to think about.

My ex was like that. A few of them. Then they back off and something turns either too controlling or they become narcissistic and that was just a love bombing phase. Slow it down and if he gets angry from your desire to slow things, he is not the guy for u. If hes really a great guy he will respect your need to go slow and nothing will change. But if he throws a tantrum or gets controlling, then u know this was all a show.....

Thank you all so much for your answers. It’s really bringing things into perspective.

Thankfully, he isn’t controlling at all.

Early on I expressed my desire to slow things down. He said he understood and did slow down for a bit.

Then I let my boundaries slip and we kissed one point and it went from there.

Don’t get me wrong we do sexual stuff but I will not be having sex anytime soon until I am ready. He said he is willing to wait even if it takes us til marriage.

I do agree he seems to move fast and get invested quick. I on the other hand don’t even get crushes unless I know the person.

It caught my eye that he’s genuinely such a nice person. Like once I caught him giving a homeless person $20 bucks when I wasn’t around. He is spontaneous which I really like, he will randomly tell me to get ready and be comfortable because he’s taking me somewhere and then doesn’t tell me where and surprises me.

I’m about to go on holiday for a week so I’m staying over at his house today with him and hanging out with him and his mom.

Idk if this matters but he’s a poet and writes often. I caught a glance at his notes once and he has a folder on his phone with poems dedicated to me.

Slowing down is something I wanna do but idk how to start up the conversation.

Before you start the conversation, think about what exactly you mean by "slow down". Get specific:

What exactly would you like to see him change about his behavior?

Less grabby in public? Less time together? Tone down the gushing? Less pressure to plan for the future or attend family functions?

Thank you all so much for your answers. It’s really bringing things into perspective.

 

Thankfully, he isn’t controlling at all.

Early on I expressed my desire to slow things down. He said he understood and did slow down for a bit.

 

Then I let my boundaries slip and we kissed one point and it went from there.

 

Don’t get me wrong we do sexual stuff but I will not be having sex anytime soon until I am ready. He said he is willing to wait even if it takes us til marriage.

 

I do agree he seems to move fast and get invested quick. I on the other hand don’t even get crushes unless I know the person.

 

It caught my eye that he’s genuinely such a nice person. Like once I caught him giving a homeless person $20 bucks when I wasn’t around. He is spontaneous which I really like, he will randomly tell me to get ready and be comfortable because he’s taking me somewhere and then doesn’t tell me where and surprises me.

 

I’m about to go on holiday for a week so I’m staying over at his house today with him and hanging out with him and his mom.

 

Idk if this matters but he’s a poet and writes often. I caught a glance at his notes once and he has a folder on his phone with poems dedicated to me.

 

Slowing down is something I wanna do but idk how to start up the conversation.

If you do not want sex, then do not spend the night (unless let's say the weather takes a turn for the worse and you sleep in the guest room). Believe me -- all the hot and heavy will have one things leading to another when you get caught up in the moment. You need to have a clear boundary with him. I think that spending all that time with his mom, etc, after only 8 weeks is Too fast.

How do you slow down?

You don't spend the weekend with him. You go on dates - meeting for lunch, going to a movie, etc, but you also have other plans like running an errand for one of your parents who is sick, catching up with a girlfriend over coffee, etc, church if you are a person of faith or the neighborhood watch meeting or whatever you are involved with. YOU slow down. HE will not slow down. He "slowed down" and then he sped up again.

You don't spend the night with him. If you are waiting for sex -- go home to your place by yourself. All of this cuddling makes the bonding hormones kick in.

It is hard to say if he REALLY IS okay with waiting and not just saying what you want to hear.

My ex would give money to homeless people - but the trouble is - he didn't have enough to take care of his bills. it was all for show. My guy doesn't give money to homeless people -- he gives to groups that provide them appropriate help such as the soup kitchen, a group in the neighborhood where he works that gives haircuts/helps with job skills, etc, or works with identifying disabled vets or people with mental illness and finding them the right help. In otherwords, in ways that he is not announcing his generosity or creating a show for people. Only he knows what he does (and sometimes i do but he doesn't do it to impress)

I honestly think its over the top for him to have a folder on his phone with poems dedicated to you after only 8 weeks of dating. he might be doing a number on you. sllooooow dooown

Agree with abitbroken. Great tips on how to 'slow it down' and scale back from insta-relationship to dating. Also that folder was probably on his phone before you and meant for the last one or next one or whoever takes the bait.

I think that spending all that time with his mom, etc, after only 8 weeks is Too fast.

You don't spend the night with him. If you are waiting for sex -- go home to your place by yourself. All of this cuddling makes the bonding hormones kick in.

It is hard to say if he REALLY IS okay with waiting and not just saying what you want to hear.

I honestly think its over the top for him to have a folder on his phone with poems dedicated to you after only 8 weeks of dating.