He sent another girl flowers for Valentines...

My boyfriend of 8 1/2 years and I just broke up today. We are both 32 years old and have been through a lot together. Over the past year, our relationship had changed for the worse, and we both knew that it probably wasn't going to last forever. However, we still held on to a small hope that maybe, just maybe, it would get better and return to the days when we were truly in love. Even though it went on without an intimate relationship for awhile, we were still exclusive and spent all of our time together & with each other's families often. However, on Valentines day yesterday, I discovered that he sent flowers to another girl in a different state (that he used to live in & plans to move back to), while he did absolutely nothing for me. Turns out, he had also sent her a Christmas gift 2 months ago. Further, she has absolutely no idea I even existed in his life. I also had absolutely no idea any of this was going on until now. He truly feels he did absolutely nothing wrong since we were mentally & emotionally done for awhile now (despite spending all our time together). He thinks it was none of my business, but we obviously still cared for each other & never officially broke up until now. We ended things civilly, cried to each other, etc. But I know this is the end of us, as a reconciliation is not possible.

My question is...should I tell this girl about how he has deceived both of us in this situation? I wouldn't get too involved or emotional...just a quick, short message. I would want to know if I was her, but I'm not sure if I should or not. Part of me worries my ex will hate me for it or spin me off to be just a crazy ex, but part of me also thinks I owe him nothing after all this & he deserves it. What do you think? Thanks.

Further, she has absolutely no idea I even existed in his life.

^

Did he tell you this?

Yes, I found out about the Valentines flowers, which he tried to conceal from me. Then he told me the rest after questioning. He stated I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is, and states there isn't anything going on with them other than him showing interest. But I think anyone in their right mind knows that to not be true.

No, just let it go. She may not believe you anyway.

So sorry you are going through this. Your best chance at healing is to go No Contact, focus on you, spend time for yourself, move forward in life.

Focus on the fact that you are lucky to be rid of a lying cheater. Whenever you start to miss him, just focus on how grateful you are that you found out who he really was.

You are going to get through this!

No, don't tell her. That is looking bckwards. invest all of your energy on forwards.

"I dated [ex] for 8.5 years until yesterday when I found out about you. Thought you should know too."

I would send that, but that's just the person I am. Others may have better insight.

"I dated [ex] for 8.5 years until yesterday when I found out about you. Thought you should know too."

 

I would send that, but that's just the person I am. Others may have better insight.

I would let her know too, with the message above. She may not believe you, but I feel it would be fair to inform her.

They say your male enemies will ruin your career but your women enemies will ruin your life, and I think this is an example here. Even though you've basically broken up with your ex, you want to try to ruin his potential relationship with this girl he's been texting out of revenge. Just let your guy go. Wish him well and tell him you hope he finds happiness. You don't need to attempt to destroy his life.

If I was the girl, I would want to know and be warned. If he could do that to you, what's going to stop him doing it to another female?

It's not about 'ruining his life', it's about the sisterhood.

Send the message as suggested above. If she doesn't believe you that's her issue...a leopard never changes it's spots. She'll find out soon enough who the lier is.

Good luck. You deserve better.

wow... what a dilemma. i would want to tell her but i probably would not. i just would not want the drama of his reaction. i get what people mean about the girl wanting to know. i would probably want to know but human nature tells me, she won't care. you'll be the bitter ex. he'll spin it and she'll take his side. it will be the bond they share....

when they go low, we go high!

He sent her gifts and there is nothing going on between them? If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

Personally, if I were the other girl, I would want to know that the man I'm getting involved with is a cheater and a liar. It doesn't matter if your relationship was dying - he wasn't free to pursue someone else until he has actually broken up.

Whether she believes you or not, is not your problem. If you stay classy and not attack her or get pulled into any kind of an argument with her, you won't come across as a crazy psycho ex either. If she is a decent person, she'll appreciate the info. If she isn't, oh well. Either way, both of them are out of your life.

Sorry this happened. What do you mean "officially broke up"? It seems you two broke up a while back when the intimacy/relationship ended even though you still hung out as friends. When did he tell you he is moving back home to his state?

it went on without an intimate relationship for awhile. plans to move back to. He truly feels he did absolutely nothing wrong since we were mentally & emotionally done for awhile now

Women gotta stick together! If it were me, I would want to know my guy is a scoundrel. Would save me a world of hurt later on when he does it again.

Sociopaths are the worst!

Sorry this happened. What do you mean "officially broke up"? It seems you two broke up a while back when the intimacy/relationship ended even though you still hung out as friends. When did he tell you he is moving back home to his state?

If this is a case, then you absolutely should not tell her. If you were broken up but still seeing eachother here and there, he was free to show interest in anyone he chose even if its a little tacky.

If this is a case, then you absolutely should not tell her. If you were broken up but still seeing eachother here and there, he was free to show interest in anyone he chose even if its a little tacky.

No this was not the case. We had had a few discussions about our concerns with the relationship and how it started to lack the passion & intimacy that we once had. He had also mentioned how sometimes we just act like we are best friends rather than a couple. However, we never actually broke it off, and continued on as a true couple. When I say we did everything together, I meant it. It wasn’t an occasional seeing each other here and there. We did things with each other’s families, he stayed over at my place consistently, we cooked together, went out to dinner and movies together, literally everything. We were definitely together, just slowly realizing that it probably wouldn’t be forever given the lack of intimacy, etc. I hope that helps explain our situation a little better.

It seems he saw this as friendship and was looking for a romantic relationship that could go somewhere. In that case you both were free to date other people but remained friends who hung out a lot

We were definitely together, just slowly realizing that it probably wouldn’t be forever given the lack of intimacy, etc.

No this was not the case. We had had a few discussions about our concerns with the relationship and how it started to lack the passion & intimacy that we once had. He had also mentioned how sometimes we just act like we are best friends rather than a couple. However, we never actually broke it off, and continued on as a true couple. When I say we did everything together, I meant it. It wasn’t an occasional seeing each other here and there. We did things with each other’s families, he stayed over at my place consistently, we cooked together, went out to dinner and movies together, literally everything. We were definitely together, just slowly realizing that it probably wouldn’t be forever given the lack of intimacy, etc. I hope that helps explain our situation a little better.

Or perhaps the lack of intimacy was happening because he was busy being intimate with someone else..... Sorry, but I would tell her. She needs to know and if she chooses to carry on, at least she is doing it with her eyes open. I would just be very careful that you don't get yourself pulled into any cat fight with her. Take the high ground and stick strictly to "thought you should know and him and I are now actually done."