My girlfriend had sex while we were broken up and lied to me about it, what should I do?

When I met my GF she was a virgin while I was having ONS all the time. I loved her at first sight and decided to wait for her to be ready, which took months and months. After 4 years we broke up, big clash, resentment on both sides and we cut all communication.

I thought that’s what she wanted, now she is living her life, she and I are done. 3 months later she sent me an email full of reproches, this email upset me even more as I was taking her for responsible of our break up, hence I didn’t answer. 3 months later I was told by a common friend that she was still waiting for me, could not forget me, and had not had any sexual relationship over the last 6 months. Thing is she always said it’s impossible for me to have sex without feelings, what you used to do is disgusting, the gir.s you did it have no morale etc.

After having waited for her for so long to have sex, to respect her values, I thought that this was great that I would be her only man, kind of a fairy tale, although I had never been interested in having a virgin at first. So I had told her many times that I would never be able to get back with her if one day we were broken up and she would have had sex with someone else. I wanted to keep this magic which I had never been looking for.

So getting back to our 6-momth break up, when I heard she had not done anything, I couldn’t believe it because we were over and had not had any communication, so why on earth would she not do anything. I then felt guilty, and decided to forgive her for our break up. I started talking to her and one the first thing she to.d me was I didn’t do anything sexual, because I am not a girl that open my legs like this, whereas you during our break up had sex friends, ONS, etc. I never denied it and was open to tell her everything, it she said she didn’t want to. I asked her them if she had had sex with anyone, and she told me yes I had a sex friend. I couldn’t believe it, and said in that case I am not going back with you because a/ I was willing to forgive you for this 6 month break up because it showed you did not try to find better, just we’re too proud to admit mistakes and try to get me back and b/ because I could not believe she would have had sex with a guy on the first night, and then continued seeing him just for sex while she was always saying never on earth she would such a thing, only s do it and c/I find this unfair that I respected her va.ues and waited for her while I had never been doing this with other girls, and another guy would get it just like that.

When she saw I would not come back she said she was lying just to see my reaction and of course she had not done anything. Since then we have been together for 18 months, that means now 6 years of relationship. And everything was perfect. But I had asked her a lot of times if she had really not done anything with anyone. And she always swore yes, and when I asked why she said because she knew if she had done this she would never be able to get me back. I felt really guilty for having been to other girls while she was such an angel. One month ago, after me asking again, she finally told me the truth, that she had effectively had a sex friend. She said she decided to have sex with this guy after `I didn’t answer her email and she called the guy went to his and had sex, said only had 3 sexual intercourse with him over 2 months. I could not believe it, I trusted her so much I could never have thought she would lie to me. And that she would do this without feelings, on the first night while she was always claiming never on earth she could do it.

I was about to propose to her, to that I like marriage, but this was very important for her and I after all thought that she deserved it, and she having done nothing in the hope of getting ,e back during 6 months while having noth9ng to expect was a sign that yes this girl will never give up on me and that yes I could believe her when she said we would never divorce. My proposal is now cancelled, and I don’t know what to do. Everything was so perfect between us, but also because I thought she was above all the other girls, so truthful and with values that I was feeling bad not having had. Part of me also hate her. She lied to me for 18 months, took advantage of it to depict herself as a Saint, that it was because she was waiting for me. She kept him on Facebook as well when she had told me she had removed all the guys she would have kissed or flirted with during these 6 months, all but him. She had talked to this guy about me, just after we went back together she put a picture of she and I back together in happiness and the guy liked the picture, 1 month after having had sex for the last time with her. But she still didn’t feel she should remove it. And I only saw that now. Whereas I had always been beaten up by her for having girls like my picture, such that I am no longer using Facebook to avoid her getting mad.

How could I forgive her and shall I? My problem here is that she is the one that always kept repeating I can’t have sex without feelings, girls that do that are disgusting. And she kept repeating that even after she had done it. I am upset then that she can do what she says is for s only, and even after doing it keep saying it and don’t think this applies to her.

We were broken up and she had all the rights to do whatever she wanted, it I would not have gone back to her if I had known the truth. She would have made her choices, freely and I have nothing to say. But if she wanted to come back with me, she should not have done it and instead try to get me back.

She created her virginal pedestal, not me, I am therefore hurt that this was only a lie. She loves me more than everything, and I don’t want to forget about us just for some sexual intercourse. But this is my vision of her that is broken now. A vision that she created again, I never forced her to put hersel on this pedestal. During 6 years she kept blaming me for being able to have sex with girls like this, and saying that the girls I was doing it had no self respect. So what to say about you doing the same?

Wait, you had sex with others while you were broken up and that was OK, but it's not OK if she did? She was supposed to stay celibate forever or something if you two never got back together?

I don't understand this weird double standard.

I agree this would be unfair. My problem is that she always despised girls having sex just for sex, saying they don’t respect themselves, and she still says it. But she did it. How can you do something that you despise and then keep sayimg you are not that kind of girl.

She had all the rights to do what she wanted, I just won’t have forgiven her for our break-up and would not have gone back to her. But she lied and claimed that she had decided to not do anything even if there was no hope of getting back with me. This for me was a non-sense as she had all the rights and reasons to do whatever she wanted, hence she saying she still decided to wait in the hypothetical hope that one day we would get back together made me feel really guilty and consider her as an angel.

The fact that she created herself her pedestal when this was a lie now makes it very difficult to realise she is just a human being like everyone else, myself included.

Unfortunately you are so hung up on this that you don't love her, you love the conquest of deflowering a virgin. This is quite immature and a double standard. Later in life you will have to accept that people may have been married or had kids before and have loved and been in relationships. Is your obsession with this cultural?

She created her virginal pedestal, not me,

I have never ever cared about virginity and never wanted to deflower a virgin. When we started seeing each other I was having as much sex as I could and would not see a girl a second time if she would not have sex straightaway. But when I met her, I respected her values, she is Muslim, not I. I waited for months and months which I had never done before because I loved her and thought it was worth waiting for her.

I have never ever cared about virginity and never wanted to deflower a virgin. When we started seeing each other I was having as much sex as I could and would not see a girl a second time if she would not have sex straightaway. But when I met her, I respected her values, she is Muslim, not I. I waited for months and months which I had never done before because I loved her and thought it was worth waiting for her.

On the one hand you say that you don't care about virginity. On the other hand, you waited months and months because she was a virgin when in the past you just moved on to the next girl. And you wouldn't accept her back had you known she had sex with someone else. Your actions and words don't match and reek of double standards. Had you really loved her you wouldn't be basing things on blind preconceptions. It's you who put her on the virginity pedestal because it was in YOUR mind.

Her words and actions don't match either. Judging girls who have sex outside marriage is indeed hypocritical on her part. However, her cultural/religious upbringing appears to have been so strict about this matter that what she is preaching is what she has been told to believe all her life NOT necessarily what she really wants or she would have acted accordingly. Either way, you can't really make a judgment regarding her true values on having sex as her religion/cultural teachings seem to get in the way. Plus, it may be that she doesn't have the experience required to be able to really make up her mind yet.

Many people set out with these high moral stances and then life happens and we all get knocked down a few pegs. It sounds like she was raised with black and white thinking on this subject all her life and now she has trouble letting it go. Hopefully, she will realise in time that having premarital sex doesn't make one immoral but it sounds like her cultural background is working against her regarding this realisation. And you have your own prejudices to reexamine. Attaching more value to her sex status than to her overall character is immature and hypocritical. What really matters is whether she is a good person and you like her, and whether she treats you well.

I agree this would be unfair. My problem is that she always despised girls having sex just for sex, saying they don’t respect themselves, and she still says it. But she did it. How can you do something that you despise and then keep sayimg you are not that kind of girl.

 

She had all the rights to do what she wanted, I just won’t have forgiven her for our break-up and would not have gone back to her. But she lied and claimed that she had decided to not do anything even if there was no hope of getting back with me. This for me was a non-sense as she had all the rights and reasons to do whatever she wanted, hence she saying she still decided to wait in the hypothetical hope that one day we would get back together made me feel really guilty and consider her as an angel.

 

The fact that she created herself her pedestal when this was a lie now makes it very difficult to realise she is just a human being like everyone else, myself included.

Leave her alone and let her live her life then.

You are being highly hypocritical, because for the two she had sex with(you being one of them),

how many did you have sex with? I'm certain those one night stands have added up.

You are most likely in the double digits, and she can still count on one hand her number of partners.

You will never be able to see value in her again, based upon what youve written here. So move on.

From the way you describe your feelings I see no way you can be with her. I can understand how you feel with respect to her lying to you.

I wouldn't be able to deal with a lie like that either. I doubt I would have ever asked the question in the first place though. MAYBE if I had also remained sexually inactive.

I will say though that you are entitiled to want what you want but you are taking a pretty immature and hypocritical stance.

But honestly the lying about it is the only thing that would matter to me. Which would justify me ending it in my mind.

I had not remained sexually inactive and was upfront about it, if we were to go back together this had to be on fresh foundations, with no resentment about the past for the both of us. Hence we had to be clean to each other so that we both could take our decision. She lied to me and this is very hard as I never thought this girl could ever lie to me. On the other hand I do understand why she lied, she didn’t want me not to come back with her, and I respect her for finally saying it to me while she knew that this might not go well and could have kept the truth for her forever.

My trust is broken indeed, but she has been so perfect to me over all these years, I want to forgive her.

I don’t want to dis,it’s all her qualities for some meaningless sex that she did without cheating on me. I don’t want to, ut I am trying really really hard to find a way to cope with this, but the way I see her has changed now. She giving herself to someone like this without feelings just for sex is against everything she has ever claimed she was. But this is a mistake from her, and I can get over the act. I just don’t know how to still see her as the person she pretended to be. I want to, but don’t know how...

She lied about it because you're being unreasonable about all of this. The fact that you wouldn't have gone back to her knowing she had slept with someone else - you're the one she wanted, she emailed you, you ignored it, she did have feelings when she slept with this guy. But those feelings were for you, not for him. And you weren't there. So yeah. She slept with someone else. Big deal. If the only reason you wanted to be with her is because she wasn't opening her legs for another man, you guys shouldn't be together anyway.

Your relationship is meant to be founded on mutual trust and respect. Obviously she's broken the trust, but you've broken the respect. I assume she was an adult over the age of consent at the time. Therefore, her body - her choice. You honestly had no right to know what she was up to while you were broken up, and using that as a condition for the relationship's continuation is ridiculous. Either she admits she had sex, and the guy she loves (you) shames her for it and walks away. Or she lies, and you both get to be together happily. I can 100% see her motivation for lying.

While you're well within your rights to get indignant and walk away at this point, I don't think you can place the blame squarely on her for this lie. People lie to protect themselves. If you weren't the kind of person to judge and degrade her for casual sex, then she would have had no reason to lie. So in the very least, if you decide to end your relationship over this, take responsibility for the fact that you're not being fair either - you're not giving her the respect she deserves as an independent, autonomous adult.

Also, people change over time and with life experiences. Expecting her to maintain the same values all throughout life is ridiculous. All you can ask is that she remain faithful to you while you're together and truthful with you. Personally, I'd forgive this lie and ask her if there's anything else you need to know - if there's other secrets, maybe I'd reconsider the relationship. 6 years together shows a lot of compatibility, and it would be silly to break up simply because she lied to protect herself because she loved and wanted you...

I just don’t know how to still see her as the person she pretended to be. I want to, but don’t know how...

Ask yourself why the casual sex thing is so important to you?

She is still the same person. She is free to do what she wants when you're not together - it doesn't change how she views your relationship.

Of course she is free to do what she wants. It when we started talking again, the first thing she said was I didn’t do anything unlike you who had ONS, without me even asking at first. When I then asked, she said that she was not that kind of girl that would have casual sex, that she was not opening her legs like this. And she kept saying this since we are back together, and even today, she still says she’s isn’t that kind of girl, even though she has done exactly this. That’s her judgment on sex that makes it so hard to accept. If this is thing something so shameful for you, how on earth could you do it? And how can you still think the same thing even after having done it?

She says she did it to forget about me. But why on earth would you not try anything to get back with the man you love, sending a text, anything, not an email full of resent,ent months and months after having not said or showed any interest to come back with me. And the only thing to fix this was to go and have casual sex with a stranger, which is supposed be impossible for her, instead of trying everything else to get me back before. If she didn’t want to be with me anymore then this is fine, she was free to go into a new relationship. But if she was so into me and so sad as she says, why did she prefer to go and have sex with someone she doesn’t like instead of asking me back? She told me she had kissed that guy once, and then called him one day went to his and had sex with him and left. And did the same a few times more. If she had done it with feelings with someone she likes, it would at least show consistency in her values (which are not mines).

I have never ever cared about virginity and never wanted to deflower a virgin. When we started seeing each other I was having as much sex as I could and would not see a girl a second time if she would not have sex straightaway. But when I met her, I respected her values, she is Muslim, not I. I waited for months and months which I had never done before because I loved her and thought it was worth waiting for her.

Then why not marry her?

You sound like a little kid that got mad about someone else playing with your toy after you threw it away.

I had not remained sexually inactive and was upfront about it, if we were to go back together this had to be on fresh foundations, with no resentment about the past for the both of us. Hence we had to be clean to each other so that we both could take our decision. She lied to me and this is very hard as I never thought this girl could ever lie to me. On the other hand I do understand why she lied, she didn’t want me not to come back with her, and I respect her for finally saying it to me while she knew that this might not go well and could have kept the truth for her forever.

 

My trust is broken indeed, but she has been so perfect to me over all these years, I want to forgive her.

 

I don’t want to dis,it’s all her qualities for some meaningless sex that she did without cheating on me. I don’t want to, ut I am trying really really hard to find a way to cope with this, but the way I see her has changed now. She giving herself to someone like this without feelings just for sex is against everything she has ever claimed she was. But this is a mistake from her, and I can get over the act. I just don’t know how to still see her as the person she pretended to be. I want to, but don’t know how...

Yep and you told her you loved her, where did that get her.....

Instead of working the problems in life out you broke up with her and started have sex with whom ever you could. That doesn’t sound like someone in love or heart broken.

I think she would be better off with out you.

Of course she is free to do what she wants. It when we started talking again, the first thing she said was I didn’t do anything unlike you who had ONS, without me even asking at first. When I then asked, she said that she was not that kind of girl that would have casual sex, that she was not opening her legs like this. And she kept saying this since we are back together, and even today, she still says she’s isn’t that kind of girl, even though she has done exactly this. That’s her judgment on sex that makes it so hard to accept. If this is thing something so shameful for you, how on earth could you do it? And how can you still think the same thing even after having done it?

 

She says she did it to forget about me. But why on earth would you not try anything to get back with the man you love, sending a text, anything, not an email full of resent,ent months and months after having not said or showed any interest to come back with me. And the only thing to fix this was to go and have casual sex with a stranger, which is supposed be impossible for her, instead of trying everything else to get me back before. If she didn’t want to be with me anymore then this is fine, she was free to go into a new relationship. But if she was so into me and so sad as she says, why did she prefer to go and have sex with someone she doesn’t like instead of asking me back? She told me she had kissed that guy once, and then called him one day went to his and had sex with him and left. And did the same a few times more. If she had done it with feelings with someone she likes, it would at least show consistency in her values (which are not mines).

You cannot be pointing fingers at her when your behavior is worse.

You either forgive or you don't, end of story.

And she doesn't even need to ask for your forgiveness.

If I were her, I'd leave you in my past and find a guy that doesn't chastise my behavior .

It's not like she cheated. And for her to keep going back, she did have emotional involvement with him.

Stop judging her. She didn't need to tell you at all.

By the way you have explained it, she didn’t do a ONS. She tried to get back with you and when you didn’t respond she started seeing someone else.

I can see how you are peeved she judged you harshly for having ONS and put herself on a pedistal. I would be mad too if someone judged me for my past like that, and then they didn't even hold up to their own standards as well while still judging me.

However, you should never hold someone's past over them. You cannot change it. I would try to have a talk to her about this, because she still believes in this "casual sex is a sin" ideology and it seems to be what you really have issue with now, instead of the whole virgin concept.

I understand you don't want her to judge you for your ONS, but you also should not judge her for her casual encounters either. No one likes a hypocrite. You two need to both accept casual encounters are ok and you have both participated in them while not together.

Of course she is free to do what she wants. It when we started talking again, the first thing she said was I didn’t do anything unlike you who had ONS, without me even asking at first. When I then asked, she said that she was not that kind of girl that would have casual sex, that she was not opening her legs like this. And she kept saying this since we are back together, and even today, she still says she’s isn’t that kind of girl, even though she has done exactly this. That’s her judgment on sex that makes it so hard to accept. If this is thing something so shameful for you, how on earth could you do it? And how can you still think the same thing even after having done it?

 

She says she did it to forget about me. But why on earth would you not try anything to get back with the man you love, sending a text, anything, not an email full of resent,ent months and months after having not said or showed any interest to come back with me. And the only thing to fix this was to go and have casual sex with a stranger, which is supposed be impossible for her, instead of trying everything else to get me back before. If she didn’t want to be with me anymore then this is fine, she was free to go into a new relationship. But if she was so into me and so sad as she says, why did she prefer to go and have sex with someone she doesn’t like instead of asking me back? She told me she had kissed that guy once, and then called him one day went to his and had sex with him and left. And did the same a few times more. If she had done it with feelings with someone she likes, it would at least show consistency in her values (which are not mines).

If you can't get over it, and I doubt you are capable, then you have no choice but to end it.

Her lying to you about this is no different in my mind than a woman asking a guy if he watches porn right after she said it was a deal breaker for her and the guy says "no" because he was backed into a corner.

It sounds like you demand a SO with a much higher set of standards than you. Do you not see why everyone thinks that is very immature and selfish?

If her actions have "broken" how you think of her then end it. Easy as that.

But the concept of her falling off the pedestal you have put her on is ridiculous. She is a human being. We make mistakes. All of us. Even if she did an act, that doesn't define her. She is the exact same person she was, and judging her so harshly for doing something when she was so hurt and not in a proper mindset is ludicrous.

The only thing she did that was wrong is lie. She lied because you put her on the spot by asking questions that were honesty not yours to ask. She even tried to be honest at first, but when you told her what her honesty would mean she lied and told you she was just lying to make you feel bad. She didn't lie at first, she only did after your initial response.

The "her" that this act was supposedly "impossible" for her to do was the one in a relationship with you. After you two broke up that "her" was lost for awhile because I am sure she was probably pretty emotional distraught.

Once again, by all means end it. But if you think she is the cause of this relationship being over you are deluding yourself.

Even from your subjective viewpoint I have to side with her.

So I had told her many times that I would never be able to get back with her if one day we were broken up and she would have had sex with someone else.

If virginity didn't mean much to you, why did you feel the need to reiterate this point so many times? In what circumstances was this even coming into the conversation? It seems very odd that you told her this repeatedly if your relationship was perfect. Something was obviously not jiving if you were compelled to emphasize this.

Yes, she is a hypocrite for shaming other women (and you) and then turning around and doing the same thing herself. She has no leg to stand on anymore. I do understand where you're coming from on that point. But as for the lying? Well, she knew you would lose the plot if she was honest. I don't see malicious intent but rather a misguided attempt to avoid another break-up - but here you are anyway.

No, she is not who you thought she was. But she sure tried to maintain the image of you wanted her to be. Her hypocrisy is not on you, but you might want to think hard about why she felt the need to keep up this lie for so long.

Dude I can't even read your entire post because I'm so disgusted with how you can just sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want, yet you are shunning her because she says she gave up her virginity. You're being a complete jerk. You're also blaming her for your breakup, as if you did nothing to contribute to it. BS. Based on your attitude here, you were at LEAST 50% of the problem. Guys like you are the reason women have to be so careful with who we date.

ETA: what she did while you were broken up is none of your business. Period.

It seems to me that it is not really about the virginity that is a dealbreaker here (which I don't feel any issues with) but more the broken trust based on a lie. How I understood is, the OP has issue with the incongruency with the girls behaviour in contrary to her beliefs or values she portrayed(from his pov a lie and kinda hypocritical) . It might be that the OP could've been more accepting of the girl if she, lets say for example, told him from their initial meeting, she doesn't see problem in casual sex and it's just a way of exploring ones needs and improving bicycle skills, and also communicates of having done these thing before or during the break-up. Then the OP might've been more accepting of her with more respect(depends on the person) and trust because of the congruency/honesty. Now, I can understand why this girl did not tell him the truth and it exposes her against the values she has portrayed and there might be more factors playing a role here, where she for example, might feel pressured from her culture or protective of her reputation.

But for me, it does feel manipulative if in this case, the reason why she was holding the truth from the OP was, so he would be more accepting of her. If, from a moral standpoint, the OP having (had) lots of casual sex (just like the girls yes/no virginity) being healthy or good or not is a different matter, but atleast he could speak honestly about it. If the OP had told the girl that he also was a virgin and is against sex before marriage, just for her to have him accepted while having had tons of casual sex would also have been wrong and manipulative. Now that would be a double standard.

But OP I believe it is best for both of you to go seperate paths(how difficult it may be) as this will spare both of you a lot of misery and mutual resentment. I don't think it's worth it. To me, it looks like the resentment will follow for a long time.

You do understand where these comments are coming from right? You are waving the flag of "trust" and how after all this time she broke your trust but that's not the whole story. You are mad and I see why you are mad. You dated 4 years, broke up, she had sex, you got back together, you pestered her, you used her virginity as a weapon against her, for the last 18 months she still hasn't had sex with you and then you found out she has. I would be mad not at the lying, but at why haven't we had sex in the last 18 months? Now you say you cant forgive her.

Please, since when did you become the moral police? I'm assuming you told her you had a few sex partners while you were broken up? Then as Canuck pointed out, you said many times if she had sex with anyone you would never forgive her, then you punish her by saying "proposal cancelled". Get off of your high horse for a min.

I know you are mad, you are mad that you spent years working on your GF, being nice, understanding, faking the respect for her values, being there for her, then Bam! another guy swoops in who did nothing for her and had sex with her. Then she goes back to being her. I would be mad too. But you were not perfect either my friend. You were no angel. You threatened her, guilted her, and now you are punishing her over your anger.

Three options. 1. couples counseling. Get all that mis trust and sex issues out in the open and you two can really get things done and clear the air. 2. You let her go and let her find someone else while you go out and find someone else. 3. Realize she is the same person today as she was yesterday, you forgive her 100% and you start over. There is no "working on trust" or she has to "earn your trust" if she has to do that or you put those into your demands, then let her go because you will suspect everything she does and none of you will be happy. If you forgive her, that means you cant hold her sex with another person against her, you cant use it as a bargaining chip, you cant guilt her on it, you don't use it in a fight to hurt her, that means its a part of life, it happened when you were not with her, and you let it go. But I'm suspecting you cant do that, so why don't you just let her go. Let go of your anger and find someone else.