I need advice

Hello,

About two months ago, my 24 year old stepson relocated from Ohio to live with us (my husband, our two daughters and me). We have a two bedroom home and our girls share a bedroom so my stepson basically sleeps on our living room couch. The stipulation to him staying with us was that he had to get a job and until he did, he needed to do his share of chores (basically, keep the living room clean, wash any dishes he messes up, etc). In the two months that he's been us, he hasn't done any of that. In fact, he really doesn't do much of anything. He sleeps all day and doesn't even get up until late afternoon. Once he's up, he's on the computer playing games. He does interact very well with my youngest daughters and they adore him. Beyond that, he really has no friends. He doesn't go out...at all. What has really come to concern me is that I think he has suffering from some form of depression. I have come in some days and just found him sitting in a corner in our living room crying. I asked my husband about this and he told me that my stepson years ago was sexually abused by a friend of his mother. My husband said once he found out, he threatened the guy and the guy left. My husband then says, "He should be over that by now" as it happened when my stepson was about 13. I'm not sure he is over it. Then there's the reason he moved here. He had a very bad falling out with his mother. From there, he moved out of her place to live with some friends of his in OH. When he stayed with the roommates, he left there as well due to some of the same problems I'm having with him here: not cleaning up behind himself, not being able to keep a job, etc. I don't want to see him be put out because honestly, I don't think he can handle any more adversity. At the same time, I feel like he needs to get some type of help. I've talked with my husband but he merely shrugs his shoulders and says that I need to stop feeling sorry for my stepson. I even spoke with his mother who basically said the same thing: My stepson is too sensitive and needs to grow up. I don't know what to do. It's hard to stay out of it when he's here and I see all of this. What, if anything, can be done?

This sounds like a friend I have. I would keep encouraging therapy. Sounds like he really needs it. Try to by loving but firm. You don't "should by over that by now" with sexual abuse. I can't imagine what your husband is thinking on that one.

I'm not sure he is over it.

Are you a troll? How do you expect anybody to get over being sexually abused. If this is a real post. He needs help and love from his family.

Um, you don't " get over" being sexually abused. That's the most singularly uncompassionate thing a parent could ever say . Wow. That is disturbing . Your stepson needs some counselling to be able to function in life better . As a person who was sexually abused at 13 as well I'm actually astounded that a parent would say that .

I'm not sure he is over it.

 

Are you a troll? How do you expect anybody to get over being sexually abused. If this is a real post. He needs help and love from his family.

This is a real post and I am not a troll. I am a concerned stepmother. My husband (his father) is the one who said he should be over it by now. And yes, I know that's not something you just "get over". I feel bad for him and I want him to get help. My frustration comes in because his parents don't seem to share my concern. I don't want to see him just thrown out on the street. I honestly don't think he can handle that or much else bad at this point. My husband is very tough love kind of guy and I dunno, maybe in his own strange way, he feels he's giving him that. I'm not sure but again, I am not a troll. I care for my stepson very much and I do want to help him. Otherwise, I wouldn't have posted.

I had 5 years of therapy in my life. Many therapies to help me struggle with severe PTSD , depression , suicidal tendencies drug and alcohol dependency all from being sexually abuse . That's what being sexually abused does to people . And you need help to get out of that . Your stepson needs a very competent counsellor . And his father should meet with his counsellor as well and stop the you should be over this by now crap . Because that's unbelievably insulting . And of no help whatsoever . All that does is take a survivor's voice away and invalidates them. And that in turn creates more depression and more issues .

And your stepson may need treatment at different points in his life throughout his life . That was recommended for me as a child . And it was absolutely true because I had a complete nervous breakdown in my 40s that required two years of intensive therapy .

Do you have a relationship with him from prior to him moving in?

I don't have a lot of advice . I have a feeling though that you could be a bright light and safe compassionate person to turn to , something it sounds like he hasn't had a lot of in his life.

You can't fix all his problems but you can be there for him. Be supportive. Give him a chance to build himself up and to feel cared about in a non judgemental way.

It sounds like he could use someone who will listen to him. Someone to gently guide him on a positive direction.

Do you have a relationship with him from prior to him moving in?

 

I don't have a lot of advice . I have a feeling though that you could be a bright light and safe compassionate person to turn to , something it sounds like he hasn't had a lot of in his life.

 

You can't fix all his problems but you can be there for him. Be supportive. Give him a chance to build himself up and to feel cared about in a non judgemental way.

 

It sounds like he could use someone who will listen to him. Someone to gently guide him on a positive direction.

My stepson and I got along pretty well before he moved in but I never really got to talk with him one on one. He's a really kind and respectful young man but he never really talked much before when he would visit. His parents said that he's always been pretty shy. Since he's moved in, I have gotten to know him a little better because the times we have talked, he has opened up to me a little. He's still pretty closed off though. I want to help him get to a better place emotionally because he's been through so much. At times, it's kinda hard because he doesn't really open up and he has so much he's dealing with. This is why I'm frustrated with his parents. I do feel sorry for him because I know he needs help and no one will really help him to get it. I will definitely talk with him about seeing a counselor. I'll even pay for it. I just don't want his parents to think I'm overstepping.

Now that he is an adult he can see a counsellor without his parent's permission . So really you are making a deal with him as an adult . I would approach it from that aspect . It is great that you have a lot of concern for him .

I'm not sure he is over it.

 

Are you a troll? How do you expect anybody to get over being sexually abused. If this is a real post. He needs help and love from his family.

The parents said it, not her.

He's lucky to have you.

I'm sorry, but I think that your husband is very insensitive a bit of a clod! The stepson needs the support of both of you, regarding therapy. You need to discuss this with your husband and knock some sense into him. I hope that he is not this way with your daughters???

You are actually tolerating a lot here. He sleeps all day, doesn't do chores, and games when he is awake. This would be a disruption to any normal household. How long can he sleep on the couch before it drives everyone batty? That said, he clearly has issues that need to be addressed so he can learn to function and live on his own. It's a shame his parents don't seem to get that. If I found my kid crying in the corner more than once, I would be deeply worried and concerned about suicide. Your husband should be helping his son, but at the moment he seems to be ignoring the elephant in the room. Giving him a place to crash that disrupts normalcy isn't the answer. Stepping over a sleeping body out there laying in your living room will grow old. Before that happens, and Dad tosses him out like Mom did, try to get him the help he needs. I don't know if there are therapists that specialize in sex abuse. If there are such therapists, insist that he go. He can't just do nothing indefinitely. Maybe because he is under 26 he can go on a family health plan (if you live in the US). Thanks for looking after his welfare, as no one else appears to be doing so.

Absolutely there are counsellors that specialize in child sexual abuse. You however can't make an adult go if they don't want to. You can suggest but not make someone go.

In addition to offering to pay for counseling, I'd visit your local college and vocational/Technical schools to pick up a catalog for Fall. I'd ask him to look through it, along with any other schools on the Internet to see if anything interests him. I'd let him know that I'll do my best to help him get into any of the programs if he wishes.

I'd also ask him to use the Internet to shop around locally for any events, hobby groups, support groups, clubs or enrichment programs that may interest him. I'd let him know that if he finds anything he's curious about, I'd be willing to either bring him there or attend with him if he'd like.

I think you're smart to recognize that you're dealing with an adult, and the role of a step parent is to be a good host and a good friend rather than a disciplinarian. I'd speak with husband about the possibility of expanding the household to provide an additional bedroom. I'd consider that if stepson's stay is considered temporary, one of the girls can use the extra bedroom. Meanwhile, some of the stress on stepson and the whole family may be alleviated without stepson's need to camp in the living room.

Thanks so much for all the advice and suggestions. I spoke with his mother this morning because last night, I got nowhere with my husband. My husband did give my stepson a deadline so to speak: 30 days to get a job or he's out. What I would to do in that time is get him in therapy in that time frame. But when I spoke to his mother, I suggested therapy to her. She said that he has been in therapy but he never sticks with it. I think the lack of support from his parents could be a reason for that. I don't know but I will make the suggestion to my stepson. I'd like to go too just for support if his parents don't. Here again, I don't want to overstep. The mom also told me that I needed to mind my own business and that I'm too invested in her son's life. He's here in my home and I can't help but be invested because I see it all here. The last thing I want to do is create more problems for stepson especially when it comes to his parents.

He is lucky to have you because in all honesty his parents sound like they don't give a rat's bum about the situation. I would deal with him and leave them out of it. He is an adult.