Wife is not letting my parents have a relationship with our son

A lot of back story so bare with me.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have a son who is about 2 and a half. Since the birth of our son our relationship has changed in some very unexpected ways. I will be the first to admit at first I was not the best father/husband. For probably the first year or so of my sons life I was finding myself unable to connect with him, just finding the whole thing to be a burden that has stripped away so many things about my previous life that I loved. I would often find projects around the house to do or random tasks to do so I could avoid things. It understandably caused a huge strain on my wife, and caused her to lose trust in me to be able to take care of my son and to step up and be a father. I am glad to say as he got older things began to improve. As he started to become more engaging I found it more rewarding to be around him and be the dad he needed. The relationship between my wife and I has also improved but it has been a slow process regaining what we once had. We still have a long way to go.

I gave you that back story of our relationship to get to what has been an equally frustrating change in my life. One that I have no idea how to improve, and seem to make much worse when I try. That is the relationship between my wife and my mother. Prior to our son being born they had a great relationship. My mom adored her. They got along great. To put it in perspective my mother gave my wife a necklace that belonged to her mom after she passed away. Once our son was born it all went down hill. Just days after giving birth my wife had some heart problems that were severe enough for a 10 day hospital stay. I stayed at my parents house (they live like 8 miles away from us) so they could help me with a baby that was just a few days old. Well my mom would text and send my wife pictures of baby (I should not have been so stupid to over look how dumb this was) It was weeks later she told me being in the hospital unable to see her son (Dr. recommended we not take him up) and that my mother was sending her pictures of his first bath, bottle, etc. She felt was very disrespectful, I understood it, and was very sorry I did not think of that. Fast forward over the next few months. Things were going ok (other than the struggles discussed above) one evening we left our son at my parents to go to dinner. He was probably 4-5 months old and had never really been away from mom too much. He cried and screamed from the time we got out of the driveway to the time we got back. My wife got upset that they did not call us to come back that they would let him cry for hours. She did not say that to them only to me when we got home. In my mind they wanted to let us have some time alone. Not a big deal to me, it was to her and he has not stayed with my parents since. They will tell us they will watch him anytime we want to go out. Over the next few months we would see my parents once or twice a month. (Remember they live only a few miles away). I even discussed with my wife how I was surprised how little they called to come over. They have a grandchild that lives 500 miles away they have seen twice since the last time they have seen our son was one conversation. But the other side of the coin was my wife not allowing them to babysit.

The straw that broke the camels back was a text my mom sent to her. It was a long text saying how she felt like she was taking a back seat and wanted to see our son more, and that we take him over to my wife's parents but not to her house. My wife took this as she is trying to be told what to do with her son. My mother said she just wanted to let us know she wanted to be more in his life. My interpretation of it was somewhere in the middle I guess. Well it completely destroyed their relationship. My wife hates going over to their house and refuses to let my mom babysit. It has caused several fights between us. I am more of a "let it go" type of person and she is the opposite. She says I refuse to defend her and see everything my mother does with rose colored glasses on. I do not disagree entirely but also feel we need to just move past things. They have talked about it and it seemed like it went well (no yelling) but nothing changed. On the rare occasions we do go over their its super awkward and I feel like my wife just takes our son and goes to the backyard or a diff part of the house. It makes holidays awful. I had a cousin who we see only a few times a year notice the tension and the awkwardness and ask me about it, saying, "its pretty obvious she does not want to be here." I have tried to ask her if I could just take him and she refuses. Saying things like I do not trust your mom and I know you will just let her do whatever she wants. I thought maybe time would heal things but it has not. He is approaching three has not stayed with them in over two years. Another aspect of frustration is that these are the only grandparents he has near us. My wife's parents live in a different country. My parents are not bad people. Not abusive I try to explain that the person being hurt by this the most is our son. When we talk about the subject it usually ends up in a fight. While I understand my wife's points and frustrations I do not think anything has been done to warrant not letting my parents see their grandchild very often. But she will just say that is me sticking up for my mother.

I have no idea how to fix this. I will never force them to have the relationship they once did but refusing to let them have a real relationship with our son hurts me. Its not like they never see him. That is her argument, we will go over maybe once every other month or so for Sunday lunch. But as stated earlier its awkward and I feel like she sort of guards him. Hovering over him most of the time. I realize my family made mistakes but wish we could just move past this.

Thanks is advance for any help/advice

That sounds like quit an emotional knot. Would your wife be open to couples counseling? It sounds like you two could use a moderator. There are heavy complicated feelings on both sides and having someone with an outside perspective might really help you understand each other. To me it sounds like your wife is being punishing towards you and your mother by keeping your son away. But I'm only hearing your side. From what you have written it sounds like birth and the first year of your sons life she was sick, hurt and unsupported by you. That's a rough road. She might be still processing through that pain.

How is your relationship otherwise? How often does she get time without the kid? How often are you the primary care giver?

It sounds like your wife feels very alone. You admit that you were basically not there for her when your son was very young, and now you are more or less taking your mother's side against your wife. Barring anything extreme a husband and wife should be loyal to each other against all others. Your wife is saying "I don't feel comfortable having these people watch our son." and you are dismissing her without really listing to what she is saying. Add to that, she missed many of the "firsts" with her baby, for a mom that is a huge blow and while I think she is over-reacting to how your mom handled that, it seems no one has ever acknowledge her feels about that.

You need to be there for her, no try to force her to do something she is clearly no comfortable with. Sit down with her and say that you love her and your son and tat you want to be on the same page parenting wise with her. That your goal is for you son to grow up, happy, healthy, and with a relationship with extended family. Ask her what her goals are for parenting and then discuss how you can achive those goals together. If you feel it would be productive tell her that you want to understand her perspective on your mother not watching your son. Then LISTEN very carefully as she talks. Do not interupte her, just listen and when she finished say "Ok, so what I'm hearing is X, Y, and Z. Is that right?" If it's not keep talking until you totally understand her position. Your goal is NOT to change her mind but to understand why she feels the way she feels.

I will be the first to admit I was not ready for the sacrifice having a child brought into my life, and refused to accept it at first. Our relationship has its ups and downs. We never get time alone anymore which I think would greatly help. My wife is only away from our son while at work. With her parents living abroad and mine not being allowed to babysit we have not had alone time or a date night really since he was born. As far as me being alone with our son it is typically only for a short amount of time. Appointments, run to the store type of stuff. I have never had him all day one on one. I think this stems from the mistakes I made for the first year or so.

I don't see the connection between letting grandparents spend time with the baby and being allowed to babysit. If she's not comfortable leaving your son with them that's fine. They can spend time with him when you or your wife are around. He is 2.5 and it was kind of recent that you weren't there for her at the really tough time when he was a baby. And after she had her hospital stay. That can be really hard to get over, from her perspective.

I don't care if it's the grandparents -if she doesn't trust them to be alone with her son I would respect that. I agree that letting him cry when he was 4 months old doesn't mean they should never be allowed to babysit and that's a bit over the top on her part but if she's only against the babysitting let that be as long as she encourages your child to see his grandparents with one of you present.

When my son was a baby the grandparents could not babysit but my husband wanted his mother to be able to drive my son places. I did not consider her to be a safe driver (and my husband had commented on her driving on many occasions, and she was elderly) so I said no. I also said no to his father taking my son for a walk along city streets in the stroller without me there because he was basically blind. Is it comfortable to say no to grandparents because of safety concerns? Not at all. But my baby's safety was my first priority, not accommodating my inlaws' wishes.

It's sad for a kid to grow up unconnected to grandparents who are right there. She will regret that. Kids don't stay toddlers or infants forever. One day they grow up to talk and think and have a mind of their own.

I am no fan of my husband's parents by any means but I have always let them see their grandson. There have been times I have been angry and uneasy about this but then they could see him when I was there or my husband was there. I never even denied my son the chance to know my father who is an abusive pyscho. Mind you he only ever saw my dad with me present and only for short periods.

I grew up without grandparents because they lived super far away and then they were dead. I really missed that connection with the older generation .

At the same time I can understand your wife's point of view. My husband was not ready to be a father when he became one and did everything he could to avoid his son, he was about four years old . But if she's going to hold the stuff over yours and your family's head for the rest of the time I really don't see the point in being together .

However for you I would just take your son and go over to your parent's house and spend the day. That is permissible you are the father she's not the only parent .

And as Batya said, kids cry. My mom has 13 grandkids about to have a great grandchild and had 75 foster kids. I work in Daycare , kids cry.

Some have suggested that my son and I spend time with my family without my wife. I have suggested that multiple times and am always shot down. I would be on board with that compromise. Her mentality at times seems to be that since she has done most of the work raising him she has the say in where he goes and what he does.

Some have suggested that my son and I spend time with my family without my wife. I have suggested that multiple times and am always shot down. I would be on board with that compromise. Her mentality at times seems to be that since she has done most of the work raising him she has the say in where he goes and what he does.

She is not the only voice. It was not a miracle conception take your son and go to your parent's house . You have rights as a parent too.

Have you asked her what would make her feel comfortable with you taking him over to your parents house? I think you getting to bog down in "My wife won't let my son see my parents" instead you should be asking "Why does she feel this way? What can I do to make this situation better?" You need to focus on the underlying issue not the outward expression of it.

I'm not a parent but I consider your wife's reaction to the crying situation to be quite extreme. I know some very protective parents though, so it's not necessarily unusual. I'm not clear on whether they left him alone to cry, or whether they were actively trying to comfort him and he simply remained unsettled. If they had left him in a dark room trying to get him to self-soothe, it might be a bit unfortunate, but it's certainly not going to cause the kid lasting damage. One thing to keep in mind is it takes a community to raise a child - and children benefit more from having more people around them than they do from just having one involved parent. I'm not sure if you can help your wife to see this, but it is in your child's best interest to be involved with 'safe' adults as often as possible. And they are safe by the sounds of it. They made a judgement call with regards to his crying one night, but they successfully raised you (and any siblings you may have) so they're not inexperienced or negligent, and they clearly love him. I think you're going to have to drive that home with your wife, even if it leads to her being annoyed and angry with you, because the love that your family has for your child matters much more than her opinion on the crying incident.

Also what did your wife expect them to do with your son while she was in hospital? NOT save photographs of his important first milestones? I tend to think she would have been equally upset either way - this is probably more of an issue of her resenting the fact that she couldn't be there and jealous that they were, and she's projecting those feelings onto your mother unfairly. Would she rather have known they got those moments but didn't share them? How were they to know?

It might take a little pushing to help her put some of these things in perspective. In particular, whether she thinks that her emotional reactions reflect any reality surrounding your son's wellbeing, or whether she might simply be confusing her parenting instincts with other emotions such as fear and jealousy that are entirely to do with her and not with your son's development. That's certainly what appears to be happening. If you can help her to see that your son's development isn't jeopardised by these incidents, you might be able to lay the foundation for making an agreement with regards to your rights as a parent and the involvement of grandparents.

"I know some very protective parents though, so it's not necessarily unusual. I'm not clear on whether they left him alone to cry, or whether they were actively trying to comfort him and he simply remained unsettled. If they had left him in a dark room trying to get him to self-soothe, it might be a bit unfortunate, but it's certainly not going to cause the kid lasting damage. One thing to keep in mind is it takes a community to raise a child - and children benefit more from having more people around them than they do from just having one involved parent."

I don't think it makes a parent "protective" to want things done a certain way when the child is in distress -just makes the person a "parent". Having said that I think your wife simply needs to communicate -with you and with the inlaws - what her desires are as far as how her child is treated/what he is fed, etc and those desires should be honored. She has no obligation to let anyone babysit (as opposed to visiting with the grandparents -the child should get to know his grandparents if at all possible!!) but if what is done/not done is within the realm of reasonableness and she just prefers a different way, communication is key. In the example given, a 4-5 month old is still too young to really master self-soothing especially in a strange house without his parent there. So letting him cry probably wasn't the best way to go but it depends if she communicated beforehand what to do if he cried.

Your wife can't stop you from going to your parents with your 2.5 years old. My daughter is 2.5 years old and I take her everywhere. My wife doesn't determine what I can do or not do with my child.

She sounds like she has become so overly sensitive to this that she blows up at anything related to it. It sounds also like she seems totally isolated.

Her reactions are over the top and she has no right to not let you take your child to your parents.

Trying to read between the lines here... But it does sound like you keep taking your parents side against her or try to mediate between your mother and wife. I don't know the whole story but you don't sound like you stand up for your wife at all. Being the mediator between your wife and mother isn't your job. You also seem to do a terrible job at it.

You need to put your wife and child first. Forget about your parents now. If you wife doesn't let you take you child to your parents she doesn't trust YOU. That is a big problem. You keep worrying about your wife and mothers relationship. Worry about your wife and your relationship.

You need to totally assert yourself as the father. In ways that will make your wife more and less happy. She can't take complete control of rearing your child unless you let her. If that is happening it is because you are lazy.

Did you ever tell your wife how sorry you were that you weren't the best dad the first year? Did you tell her how much it means to you that she took care of everything? Did you tell her that now you have your crap together and that you want to be a full on dad?

She probably lost so much trust in you when she had to rely on herself. You need to rebuild that.

Everytime you defend you mom or tell her she is being ridiculous(and she is a lot by the sound of it) she just gets reminded about all she had to do. This conflict between them very well might just be and extension of you and your wife's issues.

Drop trying to work out the relationship between your wife and mom and start working on yours and your wife's.

As an outsider, it sounds like a big chain reaction in your little family since your wife had to stay in the hospital after the birth of your child. Did she ever talk to somebody about that experience? I can only imagine how scary that must have been for her as a new mom. She may have worried about losing her life, or being so sick for the future that she wouldn't be able to be as hands on in the care for her child. And she didn't get to have the baby there with her, which must have been heartbreaking for her.

Then she began to pull away. And during that time, you began to disconnect. So difficult. Probably intensified her fears and panic.

So now she's attempting to gain control by controlling the baby. I personally don't think that's healthy, not for her or you nor the child. She's trying to wrap him in a protective bubble.

I agree with not focusing on your mom right now, but trying to get you and your wife back on track. How is your involvement with the little one and your wife now? And do you and your wife ever spend time as a couple where it's not all about her focused on the child?

The straw that broke the camels back was a text my mom sent to her. It was a long text saying how she felt like she was taking a back seat and wanted to see our son more, and that we take him over to my wife's parents but not to her house.

Your Mom is taking the wrong approach, and maybe you can help her to shift to a better one.

Instead of building a better relationship with your wife, your Mom goes straight for a tug of war over your baby. That's a no-win, game over. Treating wife as nothing more than a conduit to baby will continue to fail. Treating wife as important and loved and valued is the only way to fix this.

You already recognize Mom's mistake in provoking jealousy while wife couldn't be with baby. That's the core problem in their relationship, and Mom just makes it worse by admonishing wife about withholding exposure to the baby. I'd skip that, and recognize that Mom's only pathway to the baby is through rebuilding her relationship with wife. Period.

So Mom's focus needs to be on wife without discussing the baby--at all. I'd start with an invitation to lunch or brunch--just wife--maybe adding the incentive of treating her to a pedicure or a massage or something else wife would enjoy. If wife won't accept, then I'd start with a phone call, instead, and I'd make the whole point of discussion an acknowledgment that I've been neglectful of wife's feelings these last few months, and that I'm sincerely sorry and willing to devote the rest of our future as family making that up to her. And I'd like for wife to consider how, and to let me know.

Then I'd listen, and I wouldn't argue with a single point wife makes no matter how unfair or unjustifiable. I'd just listen. I'd allow wife to vent her feelings until she is empty, and then I'd thank her for letting me know how she feels--without a single 'but...'.

I'd rinse, repeat as necessary, pulling off any queen-for-a-day treatment wife will allow, and I'd build THAT relationship back up again.

Treating wife as nothing more than a conduit to baby will continue to fail. Every dismissal of wife's feelings from ANY of your family or yourself will just dig a deeper hole to climb out of. I'd quit that and start treating wife as the valued and loved woman she is while accepting that the behavior that comes out sideways since her birth trauma is her way of exerting power in the only way she knows how. If you remove the challenges to her power, she won't feel a need to be so defensive, and over time she'll learn how to trust again--IF you and Mom continue to EARN that trust.

Head high.