How do you get over someone that wasn't real?

Hello everyone,

I'm struggling with the end of my last "relationship". I'm using quotes, because I'm beginning to understand that 99% of what I thought it and he was wasn't real (I wrote about it more here ). It was short but very intense (1.5 months) to the point we thought we had both found "the one" (I'm still struggling with if he too believed that at the time, or he was just trying to fool me. My gut says he former, because he was so intense with me from the beginning until right before the end). We talked at length about our future together, how we would find a way for us to come together (he lives 3 hours away) and build a future together. We talked about marriage and babies quite a bit

The ending of this relationship made no sense to me. A day after I last saw him, he was distant and seemingly not as warm, and before I knew it, he told me he wanted to date other people to have fun and he wasn't ready to be with me so seriously. I offered to take things slower, but it was clear he was interested and that he likely had already replaced me with someone in his city.

My question is, how do I go about getting over someone that wasn't real? The person I thought he was was someone I could trust, that was always there for me, that I really thought I would have a future with. Now I am grieving not only this pretend person, but also this wonderful future I thought we were going to have. In past relationships, I had more negatives to focus on (traits I didn't like about the person, compatibility issues, things they had done to hurt me), but this past relationship ended so suddenly, without an explanation in how he and his feelings could change so drastically, that I'm left feeling like I don't know how to move on.

I'm sorry to hear u r hurting. What whirlwind.

It seems to me u rushed into things. A month is a short time to invest a future and trust in someone. Moving this quickly rarely works out for anyone. U can't trust someone u don't know. In a month you can't possibly know someone for all their flaws and negatives and positives and all that makes them who they are.

I would suggest this experience be one u learn from. Don't give away your heart and your promises so quickly ...they are precious gifts. Handle them with care.

As for getting over him, that will take time. I hope u are able to let him go quickly because he's not worth ur time. He probably was telling the truth about what he wanted but he couldn't possibly know for sure he wanted those things with u in one month. No one could. Not really.....

Once reality set in and he realized what he was promising, he pulled away.

Take ur time. U can let this person go.

Sending u love and light.

It never had a chance. If you are taking about marriage and babies, a few weeks in, something is off. This is not normal, and should have been exhibited as a HUGE red flag. People do not usually talk about these things, until after a year, when you have had a chance to get to know one another.

Don't be so eager in your next relationship, where you fail to notice that something is really off. This man was a stranger to you!

I'm curious, how many times did you meet?

Sometimes, we get caught up in what this person shows us in the early days. U r lucky in the sense that u weren't with him very long at all so it won't take you much time to forget him.

Just tell yourself he was fake and keep repeating that to yourself, along with the fact that he was too much too soon. Could you have been a rebound?

Just count yourself lucky that u saw his character before u got any deeper.

It sounds like he's into sex and partying. Maybe a little date rape here and there. Procuring drugs in your presence was your cue to run like hell.

Block and delete this loser forever.

he suggested we go and get some drugs, "to have a good time". I thought we had agreed to go for dinner, but he had planned on getting the drugs first. I am drunk. he introduced me to his friend/dealer

It sounds like he's into sex and partying. Maybe a little date rape here and there. Procuring drugs in your presence was your cue to run like hell.

 

Block and delete this loser forever.

Agreed. Block him. Be glad it didn't go further. He's not a good guy for u to be with.

Thanks everyone so much for the responses. The last couple of days have been tough on me, mostly because I cannot believe I allowed myself to get so emotionally invested in someone so soon, and that I really believe everything he was telling me. My gut was telling me something wasn't right, so I voiced my concerns many times, but he always reassures me that he meant everything he said, that he knew he wanted to be with me. On our little monthiversary celebration, he said "here's to many, many more". I'm still struggling understanding that this is the same person that now is Snapchatting other women, liking their photos on Instagram, and yet hasn't said a peep to me for almost a week after over a month of constant contact. It really stings that he has all but forgotten about me, that he clearly doesn't even miss me, while I am really suffering.

I know this is about him, and not me, but I can't help but feel hurt that he wasn't willing to invest in me. I'm successful, very educated, come from a good family, have lots of friends, an attractive, etc. He is very good looking, but other than that, he doesn't have as much going for him. I was so willing to grow with him though, help him build confidence in himself to pursue his business and make amends with his family. He seemed like he wanted those things at the time... I'm still trying to understand if he simply changed his mind about everything and me, or he was playing me from then beginning.

Hollyg, we spent 3 weekends together over the span of a month. He was supposed to come back and see me the weekend of 21st, and that's when he was seemingly backing out of that that I knew something was off. He sort of brushed it off, but I kept pushing, and that's when he told me he reinstalled tinder. Part of me wonders to this day what would've happened if I hadn't been so pushy, but I don't know that it would have mattered. I think the person he portrayed to me all this time as someone he would like to be, but not who he really is. He made me so many promises, so much reassurance, that he would never pull this, the fact that he is capable of it means we never, ever will be able to recover.

Heart of gold, to be honest, I think we were both rebounding. The difference between us being that I still wanted to make things work when he clearly had a change of heart. My poor self esteem is kicking into high gear now, and when I compare myself to some of the women he's now showering with attention on social media, I feel like I "wasn't good enough" to keep his attention and admiration. I truly think it's not about me, and more about him, but this is someone that's telling me one minute to go off the birth control pill, and the other that he is totally over me. I mean, what if I had gotten pregnant? It's really just so crazy making to me.

Sigh, I'm so frustrated with myself over all of this. I can't seem to use my own judgement clearly and realize that he simply wasn't the guy for me, but instead keep reminiscing on all the good times we had and how safe he always made me feel by always keeping in touch. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me and rather than living day dreamingly in puppy love bliss, I feel like I'm in some sort of nightmare and can't wake up. I know I should unfollow/block him on social media, but I don't want him to know how deeply he's affected me. The last words we exchanged were about how we could be friends. I know I played an equal part in this mess and should have never have gotten carried away, but at the same time he made it his mission to get me there, and once he truly "got" me, he bailed. He never even actually broke up with me, he basically made me do it and didn't even say we wouldn't see each other anymore, just that he also wanted to date other people. After a month of convincing me he never would do that to me... I just don't get it!

Keep telling yourself what u said above about all ur own qualities and how apart from looks, he had nothing! According to my family and friends, my ex didn't even have the looks lol they kept saying what do You see in him and I kept saying his heart but even that wasn't true in the end! You're too good for him and he doesn't deserve u..please believe me when I say u r so so lucky u found out what he is like now rather than later. Because u would have lost so much more time and your life on a loser.

Look ahead and know that there is better to come and we are all here to help you til u get there.

Keep telling yourself what u said above about all ur own qualities and how apart from looks, he had nothing! According to my family and friends, my ex didn't even have the looks lol they kept saying what do You see in him and I kept saying his heart but even that wasn't true in the end! You're too good for him and he doesn't deserve u..please believe me when I say u r so so lucky u found out what he is like now rather than later. Because u would have lost so much more time and your life on a loser.

Look ahead and know that there is better to come and we are all here to help you til u get there.

I kept focusing on his potential... he earned a lot of money (although didn't seem to save very much), seemed so loving and caring to me until he changed (although he seemed much better at that in text vs on the phone or in person), and I really thought he was trustworthy. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

I kept focusing on his potential... he earned a lot of money (although didn't seem to save very much), seemed so loving and caring to me until he changed (although he seemed much better at that in text vs on the phone or in person), and I really thought he was trustworthy. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

I think the issue is that you made broad assumptions about his character and who he is based on only 1.5 months of knowing him. Anyone can act in a loving and caring way short term. I'm not saying to be cynical but rather to be realistic.

I kept focusing on his potential... he earned a lot of money (although didn't seem to save very much), seemed so loving and caring to me until he changed (although he seemed much better at that in text vs on the phone or in person), and I really thought he was trustworthy. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

I was exactly the same, though not so soon. But we got close quick and I always saw what he COULD be and I tried to support him to get him there..but truth is we can't change anyone unless they want to change. I think the fault lies with him and not you. My ex was lovely in person but always losing his phone and disappearing. My gut knew something wasn't right but I always saw the best in him and took his word over everyone else's. Our only mistake it being too trusting and loving. Now I think I will never do anything for anyone apart from my immediate family.

Don't blame yourself. Ever.

And it takes two people to plan a future and dream about what's to come. So it wasn't just you, he played a part in your dreams.

I think the issue is that you made broad assumptions about his character and who he is based on only 1.5 months of knowing him. Anyone can act in a loving and caring way short term. I'm not saying to be cynical but rather to be realistic.

Ah, I think you are right. Even now, I keep thinking that one day he'll "snap out of it" and the "real" him that I thought I knew will come back begging for forgiveness and explaining everything. But it doesn't look at all like that is going to happen, and in fact the "real" him I thought I knew was actually completely fictitious. Since we have "broken up", he has begun a parade of liking a bunch of girls pictures on instagram (those that he assured me before he didn't find attractive and would never consider dating), updated his status on facebook to "single", and posted a selfie (which he never has done before), I'm assuming to garner attention from women.

I'm still in shock that this is the same person that only a week and a bit ago was promising me that he would find a way for us to be together "forever". I'm angry with myself too for believing such nonsense, but it almost feels like some sort of Stockholm syndrome, where someone tells you something enough you begin to believe it. I just don't understand why he had to play all these games with me. If he wanted a casual relationship, he could have just asked. It seems particularly cruel to tell someone what they want to hear, just so you can get what you want and bail.

I was exactly the same, though not so soon. But we got close quick and I always saw what he COULD be and I tried to support him to get him there..but truth is we can't change anyone unless they want to change. I think the fault lies with him and not you. My ex was lovely in person but always losing his phone and disappearing. My gut knew something wasn't right but I always saw the best in him and took his word over everyone else's. Our only mistake it being too trusting and loving. Now I think I will never do anything for anyone apart from my immediate family.

Don't blame yourself. Ever.

And it takes two people to plan a future and dream about what's to come. So it wasn't just you, he played a part in your dreams.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so difficult not to go down the self blaming trap! I keep thinking that somehow if I think it through enough, if I "figure out" what happened and how I was somehow to blame, I can fix it and everything can go back to how it was. I know logically that this is impossible, but my poor confused brain still tries. How are you doing now with your recovery?

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so difficult not to go down the self blaming trap! I keep thinking that somehow if I think it through enough, if I "figure out" what happened and how I was somehow to blame, I can fix it and everything can go back to how it was. I know logically that this is impossible, but my poor confused brain still tries. How are you doing now with your recovery?

I don't know if I'm recovering...but haven't been in touch with him.. I was tempted last night to phone him and tell him how he ruined my life, my chance to find or meet someone genuine all because he was a selfish pig but I thought no! He will lie and then my weeks of NC will go down the toilet. He doesn't deserve to hear my voice again.

I feel like I never want to be with someone again emotionally. Bt from a practical point of view, I want to settle down ASAP. I just don't know anymore.

And it takes two people to plan a future and dream about what's to come. So it wasn't just you, he played a part in your dreams.

I agree. U didn't get here by yourself. Don't take all the blame.

That's what players do. It's a seduction game.

If he wanted a casual relationship, he could have just asked. It seems particularly cruel to tell someone what they want to hear, just so you can get what you want and bail.

It sounds like he's into sex and partying. Maybe a little date rape here and there. Procuring drugs in your presence was your cue to run like hell.

 

Block and delete this loser forever.

See? You have plenty of negatives to focus when it comes to this guy.

I don't know if it helps, but it'd probably be good some therapy or simply trying to figure out why did you get so attached to him so soon and overlooked such big redflags like too much too soon (marriage and babies in the first month of knowing/dating someone is very off... ) and drugs. What was it that you felt like you were lacking in your life or you were trying to compensate in order to fall so hard for this loser. I feel that when you dig deep you'll understand it better and will move on faster and your life will improve a lot. Hold on, I know it hurts but you'll be strong enough to overcome this.

I kept focusing on his potential... he earned a lot of money (although didn't seem to save very much), seemed so loving and caring to me until he changed (although he seemed much better at that in text vs on the phone or in person), and I really thought he was trustworthy. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

No... he is who he is and the problems would probably arrise later. You can't change people, they have to change by their own will and pace. The potencial you saw in him can either be true or not, but it's probably just a fantasy from the expectations you created and fantasies you made out of the short time you were with him. When we don't know someone well we tend to fill in the blanks with our wishes and fantasies. It seems to me that it was what it happened here. Take him off his pedestal and see him for what he really is and not for what you thought he was or wished him to be.

If there is nothing more to him than looks and charm, don't you think you should address your choices??? Why aren't you aiming higher? You should be attracted to values and common goals, not appearance (shallow).

This isn't only about him. You did not listen to your inner voice, and were willing to accept a man that is not on your level. Don't allow loneliness or low self esteem to direct you to this type of man.

Lastly, do not look for projects, as it is co dependent.

I kept focusing on his potential... he earned a lot of money (although didn't seem to save very much), seemed so loving and caring to me until he changed (although he seemed much better at that in text vs on the phone or in person), and I really thought he was trustworthy. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

He charmed you to bring you in, what you see now, is who he is.

he sounds like he has a lot of issues. What attracted you to any of this instability? Never bet on potential. That os NOT healthy!!!!

Address your own issues. I would also suggest baggagereclaim.com

If there is nothing more to him than looks and charm, don't you think you should address your choices??? Why aren't you aiming higher? You should be attracted to values and common goals, not appearance (shallow).

 

This isn't only about him. You did not listen to your inner voice, and were willing to accept a man that is not on your level. Don't allow loneliness or low self esteem to direct you to this type of man.

 

Lastly, do not look for projects, as it is co dependent.

He charmed you to bring you in, what you see now, is who he is.

 

he sounds like he has a lot of issues. What attracted you to any of this instability? Never bet on potential. That os NOT healthy!!!!

 

Address your own issues. I would also suggest baggagereclaim.com

I'm embarrassed to say I'm already familiar with baggagereclaim.com, I have one of her books, and I just ordered another. I am definitely what she described as "The Dreamer". I'm not grounded in reality/the present when I date men like these, I'm up in the clouds dreaming about a future we could have, how they can swoop in and save me from my stressors, while I'll do the same for them. It's very codependent, and something I definitely intend to address. I've decided to take a hiatus from dating to really take a hard look into my choices and how I became to have such low standards for the men that I date. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually ATTRACTED to losers. This is not good! I'm hoping with some time, as well as focusing on improving my life and accomplishing some of my long term professional and personal goals, I will be able to aim higher.

I guess another issue I'm worried about is that as I get older, the quality of the single men will get lower. I'm hoping this isn't the case, but I seem to see a lot of single losers like the guy I dated out there...

I'm 53, and still have hope. I think that your concern of lack of good supply, is also affecting your choices. Hell, I would rather be alone that have to raise, support or deal with an unworthy and unreliable partner.

Once, you understand your self worth, you will do better. Get you head out of the clouds, and stop pursuing these damn projects. Have you gone on reliable dating sites. You didn't find this creep on Tinder. Did you? If so, DO NOT USE THIS AS A DATING TOOL.

Please seek some counseling for your co dependent ways. Remember, healthy attracts healthy!

I'm 53, and still have hope. I think that your concern of lack of good supply, is also affecting your choices. Hell, I would rather be alone that have to raise, support or deal with an unworthy and unreliable partner.

 

Once, you understand your self worth, you will do better. Get you head out of the clouds, and stop pursuing these damn projects. Have you gone on reliable dating sites. You didn't find this creep on Tinder. Did you? If so, DO NOT USE THIS AS A DATING TOOL.

 

Please seek some counseling for your co dependent ways. Remember, healthy attracts healthy!

I have gone on eharmony and match (I found it to be just like tinder!) but I don't think I was in the right headspace for those at the time. I did find this guy on tinder! My sister and my friend are both engaged to guys they met on tinder, so I thought maybe it could work for me too. I was wrong!

I have been seeing a counsellor, but I'm not sure it's been that helpful. Mostly she reflects back what I say. I'm actually trying someone new today, hopefully that works out!

Good that you're finding a new counselor.